


You Just Have to Wake Me Up

by songsforfelurian



Series: More Than Friends [2]
Category: Original Work, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gay Sex, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Original Character(s), Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 06:15:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 125,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15455139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songsforfelurian/pseuds/songsforfelurian
Summary: This is a spin-off of the Septiplier fanfiction More Than Friends! You can find that story here:https://archiveofourown.org/works/7731664/chapters/17623114While this is intended to be read as a spin-off, the two main characters are original! So if you have no interest in reading the first story and can deal with some lacking context at the beginning, please give it a try!The first chapter coincides with Chapter 67 of More Than Friends, so you may want to consider skimming it to refresh your memory, but you can get the gist without doing so.This story details the relationship between original characters Justin Edwards and Rafael Silva, told from Justin's point of view. The characters of Mark Fischbach and Sean McLoughlin appear in this story, though they are not prominently featured, so if you're looking for Septiplier content, start with More Than Friends!If you've read and enjoyed More Than Friends, there's a good chance you'll enjoy this as well, so please take a moment to give it a try and let me know what you think. I've spent dozens of hours working on this because of how much I fell in love with these original characters, and your feedback would mean the world to me!





	1. Chapter 1

 

“Hey… Raf?”

Justin was standing in Mark and Jack’s driveway with his keys in hand, and Raf was parked behind him. It had been a long afternoon of filming and brainstorming for Mark and Jack’s upcoming livestream, and Justin had planned to head home to take a shower and change before picking Raf up for the movies, but something was stopping him.

“Yeah?” Raf flashed him a wide smile, lingering with his hand on his driver’s side door handle. “What’s up?”

“Uh. I was thinking… I’m starving.”

Raf blinked at him, then nodded slowly. “Hunger. An unfortunate aspect of the human condition.”

“Huh?” Justin was confused for a second, until he realized he hadn’t actually asked the question he wanted to ask. “Oh, no, sorry – I meant… do you want to go grab something to eat? Before the movie?”

Raf smiled broadly again. “Sure.”

“Have you been to The Wallace? By the museum?”

“Yeah,” Raf said. “Just once, I think. I remember it was really good.”

“Yeah, it is.” Justin hesitated, then said, “Want to ditch your car at your place? I can drive us over there.”

Raf nodded. “Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Anxiety hit Justin like a wall as soon as he was alone in his car. _What am I doing?_ He always found situations like this painfully awkward; making new friends as an adult was a challenge he rarely undertook, and he only had a few existing friends as it was – a handful of guys from high school and college he kept in touch with, and a few casual friends from the soccer league he played in. He hadn’t made a conscious decision to spend time with Raf outside of their work environment, but they’d been having such a good time all day, he found he hadn’t been ready to say goodbye.

_The Wallace, though? Really? What was I thinking?_

The Wallace wasn’t a bar or a pub. It wasn’t the kind of place you stopped into with your friends for a drink. It was a _restaurant._ With _menus._ It was the kind of place you would go to for a business meeting, or with your parents. The kind of place you would bring someone on a date.

_Oh, God. Oh, no. He doesn’t think this is a date, does he?_

Justin knew Raf was gay – they had a handful of acquaintances in common, and had even met once before, at a party – but he hadn’t given Raf’s sexual orientation much thought. Well, okay, initially, maybe he had. He almost always felt an embarrassing kind of curiosity whenever he met someone who lived what he thought of as an “alternative lifestyle.” He even met the guy Raf used to date, at that same party, though they’d called it quits long before then. He’d heard that it was mutual, something about Raf still being halfway in the closet. The notion had bothered him, then. Why were people always pretending to be something they weren’t?

He had tried not to let his discomfort color his impression too much, though. Raf had been incredibly friendly, and everyone Justin knew told him he was one of the nicest guys around. And now that Justin had spent some time with Mark and Jack, his general attitudes were starting to shift. He had witnessed the bond between them, and seen how intensely personal it was, and he found that he was starting to understand why they had decided to keep it a secret. Jack had eventually pointed out to him that everyone was entitled to some level of privacy about their personal lives, and the thought had made him cringe with shame. He wasn’t exactly an open book, and he knew it. And his personal life certainly wasn’t anything to write home about. It had been months since his last breakup, and he’d never experienced anything close to the relationship Mark and Jack had. He was in no position to judge.

So he had vowed not to judge Raf, leading up to today, and they’d gotten along so well, he’d completely forgotten that Raf wasn’t straight. The thought just hadn’t crossed his mind.

Until now.

_I can still call it off. Tell him I’m sick, or something._

He shook his head. It was no use. He hated lying about as much as he hated being lied _to._ And Raf had been nothing but professional. And friendly. And hilarious. And sweet.

_Sweet?_

The word was still plaguing his mind like an uninvited guest when he pulled up to Raf’s building. He was scrambling for something to say when Raf slid into the passenger seat.

“Hey! Thanks for the ride. God, I’m starving. But, hey, you know that last round of footage we shot? I was thinking we should…”

Justin gaped while Raf chattered away. There was no awkward silence to fill – Raf had barely paused to take a breath – and Justin stared back at him while all of his excuses slipped away.

“…was going to do a draft in the morning, if you want to check it out before I sent it to Jack. What do you think?”

Justin felt himself smile. “I think it sounds like a great idea.”

“Really? Cool.” Raf nodded to himself. “Uh. You can just take a left there, at the end of the street.”

“Huh? Oh. Right.” Justin had been sitting still with his hand on the gearshift. He put the car in drive, and pulled out onto the street.

“So, I can just share the file with you, or I could drop it off at your place! You’re over at Waterstone, right? I think that’s only about ten minutes from here…”

Raf was chattering again. He was good at that. Justin was reminded of one of his childhood friends – Andy – who had a similar communication style. He’d found Andy’s incessant, cheerful chatter annoying when they were kids, but later on, when things had gotten rough for him in middle school, Andy had been the friend he’d sought out most often, second only to his sister Allison. Not that Justin had ever shared anything particularly personal about himself with Andy, but he was prone to anxiousness when he was alone with too much silence, and Andy had known how to make that silence go away. Raf was like that, too. It was comforting. It was nice. _Raf_ was nice.

So why had Justin been looking for excuses to ditch him?

“…turn up there, see?” Raf pointed to the left, and his arm brushed against Justin’s, just for a moment.

Justin’s instinct was to pull away, but there was nowhere to pull away _to_. He was trapped in the car. He was trapped in the car with _Raf._

 _He’s gay. Oh, God, he’s gay, and we’re going to dinner._ The thoughts came unbidden, like a flood, and they drowned out whatever Raf said next, and as soon as he’d managed to park the car, Justin jumped out of it, desperate to put some space between them, and to get control over his thoughts.

He moved around the back of the car to the sidewalk, tugging at his shirt, resisting the urge to bolt for the nearest bathroom to make sure that it was straight. He obsessed over his clothes when he was anxious – wrinkles and stains made him want to flee from all human contact – and he settled for smoothing at his short, blonde hair while Raf looked him over with his eyebrows drawn together.

“Hey… are you okay? You look…” He didn’t finish the thought. He gestured toward the restaurant. “C’mon. My treat. You’ll feel better after you eat. No sharing apps, though. I’m starving. I’ll just end up eating everything.”

He was doing it again, being so Goddamn _friendly_ , while Justin’s mind was on fire, looking for a way out.

“…before, they had this pasta thing I couldn’t even pronounce… I might just get two of those,” Raf was saying.

“Tagliatelle,” Justin heard himself say.

“Yes! That! God, so good…”

Raf was walking toward the restaurant, and Justin was following, and then they were sitting down across from each other, and Justin was downing a glass of water and thinking _Oh, God, how did I end up here?_

“…think you’re going to get a drink?” Raf was asking. “I forgot they had so many choices. Looks like they have a bunch of beer on tap.”

“I don’t drink,” Justin said, a little more firmly than he’d intended.

“Oh! Really? I didn’t know that. Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed…” Raf looked embarrassed.

_Why does he have to be so nice about everything?_

“No, it’s fine. I mean, I have, before. I just prefer not to.”

Raf raised his eyebrows. “Can I ask why?”

Justin blinked, searching for one of his go-to excuses. _It makes me sick. My family is really conservative. It’s not worth the money._

“I don’t like being… compromised.” He was shocked to hear himself say it. It was uncomfortably close to the truth.

Raf nodded. “I get that. I think that’s really cool. I’m a one-drink kind of guy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Well, unless I’m with people I really trust.”

Justin allowed himself to look at Raf. To _really_ look at him. He had thought that there was something peculiar about his eyes, and now he could see what it was: his irises were large, almost unusually so – dark brown with the tiniest ring of gold around the center. He was wearing a tentative smile. And then he was blushing, and clearing his throat, and brushing his hair back from his forehead.

_Oh, no-_

Justin blinked. He’d been staring.

“Uhm. You can get one, if you want to,” he said.

“Huh?”

“A drink, I mean. Don’t let me stop you.”

Raf gave him a scrutinizing look. “How much would you judge me if I got something sweet instead?”

“I won’t judge you,” Justin told him. _I won’t. I promise._

They ordered drinks and a round of small plates, and the conversation shifted to their work experiences. Raf had been editing full-time for an indie web-series, but the position had shifted to part-time a couple weeks prior. He still wasn’t allowed to say much about the project, since it hadn’t aired yet, but he had plenty to say about his schedule and his colleagues.

Justin let him speak at length, taking the opportunity to look at Raf more closely without being quite so obvious about it. His hair was so _shiny_. Justin couldn’t get over it. Did he put something in, or was it just _like_ that? And his shirt was so _bright_ – some shade of blue Justin didn’t have a name for – and it looked almost electric next to Raf’s dark skin.

“…what about you?” Raf was asking.

“Huh?”

“I mean, what were you doing before you started editing for Mark?”

“Oh. Right. Well, I did some work for Team Edge for a while, and a couple other smaller YouTubers. And I have this part-time gig with a local news channel.”

“Really? How’d you get into that?”

“Uh… this girl I used to see – Erin – she started there before I did… but that was last year. She works somewhere else, now.”

“’Used to see’?”

“Yeah. We broke up.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

Justin shook his head. “No, it’s fine. We were always better off as friends.”

“Yeah. I know what that’s like.” Raf traced the rim of his glass with his index finger. “So… have you dated anyone since then?”

“No. Not really.”

Raf hesitated. “Can I ask why not?”

Justin shifted in his seat. He smoothed at the hem of his shirt, under the table.

“I’ve never really met anyone that I… had strong feelings for.” It was only a part of the truth, but still much more than he was used to sharing with anyone, especially a relative stranger. He was uncomfortable, but he wasn’t annoyed with Raf for asking. Raf was direct in a way that made it easy to answer. He wanted Raf to keep asking questions, because it felt good to talk. To _really_ talk.

“’Strong feelings’?”

There it was. Raf had opened the door, and Justin ached to walk through it, but he didn’t know how.

“Like, when you want to… I mean, when you feel…” He made a fist under the table, squeezing his fingertips against his palm. “I’ve never… been with anyone. I mean, I’ve never…”

Raf raised his eyebrows. _“Had sex?”_ He mouthed the words, his voice barely audible.

“Yeah. That.”

He nodded. “I’ve only done it once.”

“Really?”

Raf smiled, just a little bit. “Is that surprising?”

“Yeah. It is. You’re so…” _‘So’ what?_ Justin thought.

“’So’ what?” Raf asked.

“…Great,” Justin said, without thinking. He looked away from Raf’s eyes, felt his face growing hot, knew the blush in his cheeks would be obvious against his pale skin. _Why did I say that?_

Raf didn’t answer right away. He took a sip of his drink, and then said, “I think you’re pretty great, too.”

Justin risked a glance at Raf’s face, but he was looking down at his drink, stirring it with his straw, and he felt something prickly in his midsection. Annoyance? Raf looked like he was done speaking, and Justin didn’t want that. Raf usually chattered with ease. Why had he chosen this moment to keep his thoughts to himself?

“You do?” Justin prompted, fighting off the urge to cringe. He was fishing, and he knew it. He never did this. He never went chasing after other people’s private thoughts. And he never looked for reasons to share his own.

Raf met his eye. “Yeah. I do. I had a lot of fun today. I was really nervous about it, actually.”

“Why?”

“I wasn’t sure you would want to be friends with me.”

Justin frowned. “Why not?”

“Uhm. I wasn’t going to say anything… you’ve been so nice, but… well, you have a bit of a reputation. I mean, you know I’m gay, right?”

Justin felt like he’d been slapped. The idea that he might have made Raf nervous, or afraid… it was awful. He couldn’t stand it.

“I know,” he said quickly. “I don’t care about that.”

“Well… I do,” Raf said. “It’s a pretty important part of who I am.”

Justin shook his head. “No, I know… that’s not what I meant. I meant… it doesn’t bother me. I’m… I’m trying not to be that person, anymore.”

Raf smiled. “You’re doing a really good job.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I almost thought…” Raf didn’t finish; he shrugged and went back to stirring his drink.

“What?”

“Nothing. Forget it.” He ran one hand through the longest section of his dark hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. You’ve been awesome. I feel like a jerk.”

“You’re not,” Justin said. “You’re not even kind of a jerk.”

They looked at each other, and then looked away. Luckily, their waiter showed up with another round of food, rescuing them from the awkward silence that had settled between them. They both started eating, and Justin was grateful for the opportunity to reflect on the last few minutes of the conversation.

He wasn’t surprised to learn that he had a reputation. He knew that there were plenty of gay people in his field, and that he had made comments in the past that might have been interpreted as judgmental. Or hostile. Or downright bigoted. But he’d never felt truly ashamed of himself until now. He imagined Raf listening in on some of the things he’d said in the past, and an uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.

He swallowed the bite of food he’d been chewing, and put his fork down. Raf was so _nice._ The idea that he might know about some of the things Justin had said… the idea that he might have felt like those comments were directed at him… it hurt Justin, just thinking about it. Raf deserved better than that.

“Hey… Raf?”

Raf chewed, swallowed, and smiled. “Yeah?”

“Have you played Thumper yet?”

“On VR? No. It’s not out yet, is it?”

“I’m not sure. I got a preview, though. It’s really good.”

“Lucky duck!”

Justin laughed, and Raf made a face.

“Sorry. I don’t know what comes out of my mouth half the time.”

“No, it’s… it’s fine. Really. So… want to try it out?”

Raf put his fork down. “At your place?”

“Yeah.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Honestly… I’d love to. I kind of wanted to shower and change before the movie tonight, though.”

Justin checked the time on his phone. “Plenty of time before midnight. I can drive you home before then. No pressure, though.”

Raf stared at him, and the moment stretched long enough that Justin felt the back of his neck growing hot.

“Sure,” Raf finally said. “Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Shit! _Shit!_ Shitshitshitshit!”

“Hang on hang on hang on… nonono… YES! Nice save!”

Raf was wearing Justin’s VR headset and trying to navigate the second level of Thumper, which was proving to be quite a challenge, and Justin was cheering him on. They were sitting side-by-side on Justin’s couch, though Raf had left about a foot of space between them when he’d sat down.

“God _damn,_ this game is hard,” Raf said, involuntarily swerving left with his whole body as his character moved along the virtual, rollercoaster-like track.

“You’re doing really well, though,” Justin told him, and he meant it. “I’m impressed. I did way worse my first time.”

“Oh man, I would’ve – FUCK – I would’ve paid money to see that.”

Raf’s character took a hard corner to the right, and he leaned to the right along with it – colliding accidentally with Justin’s shoulder.

“Gah! Sorry!” He straightened up, fumbling the controls. “Mario Kart ruined me for life.”

“It’s fine! Don’t stop! You almost made it!”

“WHAT IS THAT THING?” Raf was yelling, now.

“There’s a boss fight at the end.”

“A _WHAT?_ ”

Justin laughed, and God, it felt good to laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so much in one day.

Raf managed to survive through the end of the level, and as soon as it was over, he tossed his controller onto the couch.

“Wow. My _hands_ hurt. That was awesome!”

He turned toward Justin with one hand in the air, and Justin laughed and high-fived him.

“You look so goofy with that headset on.”

Raf grinned. “More so than usual?”

“Definitely.”

“Here… help me get it off…”

They stood up from the couch, and Justin carefully pulled the goggles off of Raf’s head. Raf smiled at him, but it was short-lived; his face fell, and then he swayed a little. “ _Oh-_ ”

Justin put an arm around his waist to steady him, and helped him sit back down.

“Shit. Dizzy, right? I should’ve warned you.”

Raf closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Justin swallowed. His arm was pinned between Raf and the couch, and their knees were pressed together. He hadn’t meant to get so close.

_You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine._

“Um… maybe you should have some water?”

“Mm. Yeah. Maybe.”

Justin took a measured breath. Everything was fine. He had permission to pull away without offending Raf. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

So why wasn’t he pulling away?

Raf was breathing slowly; Justin could feel his ribs moving against his arm. And he was so _warm._ Justin usually kept the air conditioning running in his apartment – he preferred the clean, cool feeling to the hazy heat of the city outside – but the warmth against his arm was so pleasant, he found himself wishing it would spread.

“I’m sorry,” Raf said, his eyes still closed. “You must think I’m such a baby.”

“No. I don’t.”

Raf opened his eyes, and Justin knew he was supposed to be standing up from the couch, but he was staring instead. And when he finally pulled his arm away, he did it carefully, because he knew Raf might be offended if he flinched or jerked away, and he didn’t want Raf to be hurt because of him.

He filled a glass with water and ice from the fridge, and it felt cold against the palm of his hand. He brought it back to Raf and sat down next to him, and Raf took a sip, and then put the glass down on the coffee table, and said, “Thank you.”

“No problem. Do you need anything ese?”

Raf didn’t answer him. He stared, and then said, “You’re actually a really good person, aren’t you?” And then he leaned forward, and put his arms around Justin’s shoulders, and hugged him.

Justin’s hands balled into fists – he didn’t usually like being touched without warning – except that Raf’s body was so warm, and his breathing was so even, and Justin wanted him to feel better. So he relaxed his hands, and put his arms around Raf, and hugged him back. And it was such a relief to give in – to feel close to someone, even for a moment – that the voice in his head telling him to escape got quiet, and far away, and then disappeared altogether.

“Is this okay?” Raf asked, his chin resting on Justin’s shoulder. His voice was soft.

“Yeah.”

“I feel better.”

“Okay. Good.”

Raf let him go. He stretched his neck from side to side, and took another sip of water.

“Uhm,” Justin said. His mind felt hazy. “Have you ever played Shovel Knight?”

“No. I watched the Game Grumps play, a little bit.”

Justin nodded. “Want to give it a try? There’s co-op, and I don’t think it’ll make you sick.”

Raf smiled. “Co-op sounds great.”

 

* * *

 

“NOOO! I’M DEAD!”

“WHAT?? WHY ARE YOU DEAD???”

“I GOT HIT AGAIN – RAF, NO, RETREAT, DUDE! RETREAT!”

“NO FUCKING WAY, I GOT THIS-”

“CAREFUL! GO GO GO-”

“GET WRECKED, MOTHERFUCKER-”

“OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT!”

Raf threw his arms in the air, and Justin dissolved into laughter.

“Ahha… ha… seriously?” he managed, between gasping breaths. “’Get wrecked, motherfucker’?”

Raf clamped one hand over his mouth, looking scandalized.

“ _Justin Edwards._ Such language.”

Justin jabbed at him with an elbow. “What? I can be profane when the situation calls for it.”

Raf giggled. “I have no doubt about that.”

Justin knew Raf was teasing him, but he didn’t get the joke. He cleared his throat.

“Uhm. Good game, man. That was a pretty epic save, at the end. You’re really good.”

“Thanks! That was a lot of fun. Man, I’m starving, though. Want to order a pizza or something?”

“I’m not sure if we have time. I was just going to get a snack at the theater.”

Raf blinked at him. “The theater?”

“Uh… yeah. The movies? Did you still want to go?”

Raf’s eyes went wide. “Wow. I forgot all about it.” He checked the time on his phone. “How did it get so late? Ugh, I’ve been wearing this shirt for so many hours…”

“Oh no, I forgot, too… I was supposed to drive you home…”

Raf smiled. “I guess we both lost track of time.”

“Yeah. Hey… can you stand up for a second?”

They stood up together, and Justin looked Raf up and down.

“I think we’re probably about the same size,” he said. “Do you want to shower here and borrow a shirt?”

Raf tilted his head to one side. “Really?”

“Sure.”

“Okay… I’ll have to inspect your closet first, though.”

Justin blinked. He hadn’t thought this through. His closet was in his room. And his room wasn’t a space he usually invited people into.

“What?” Raf said, picking up on his expression. “You got actual skeletons in there, or something?”

Justin shook his head. “Not exactly.”

He led Raf to his bedroom door – he kept it closed, even when no one else was in the apartment – and let him step into the room. His left hand was balled into a fist, and he held his arm close to his side, hoping Raf wouldn’t see.

“Oh… wow…” Raf took a couple steps inside, looking around. “It’s so… neat. And… empty. How long have you lived here?”

Justin shrugged, his fist still held tight by his side. “A couple of years.”

He watched as Raf’s eyes traveled over the sparse, modern furniture – a queen-sized bed on a basic frame, two cube-shaped end-tables, a small table-lamp. Raf took another step and touched his fingertips to the navy blue bedspread – carefully, so he wouldn’t disturb the perfectly-made bed. There was a desk against the far wall with two large monitors and a mouse and keyboard, and nothing else. All of Justin’s equipment looked brand new, like it had never been used.

“The closet’s here,” Justin said. He opened the door near the foot of his bed, and Raf peeked inside. It was big enough to stand in, and the shelving and drawers were custom-designed. Justin’s shirts were organized by color and arranged perfectly on hangers – even his plain, white undershirts. Several pairs of jeans, pants, and shorts were folded on shelves underneath. There was a tall, narrow shelf in one corner with the tiniest hint of disarray – Justin had arranged some personal items there, including some gaming memorabilia, a handful of novels, some technical manuals, and a framed photograph of Justin smiling next to a girl with long, blonde hair.

“My sister,” he said, following Raf’s gaze.

Raf turned to face him, wearing a serious expression.

“Justin… do you have actual OCD, or just the kind people joke about?”

Justin’s mouth fell open. “Uhm.” He flexed and unflexed his fingers. “I like things to be… organized.”

Raf nodded. “Obviously. You didn’t answer my question, though.” His voice was soft, but firm.

Justin responded without thinking, like he’d done so many times over the course of the day. He opened the top drawer closest to his right hand, pulled out a prescription bottle, and handed it to Raf.

“I take them every day. Just a low dose. But… yeah.” He watched while Raf inspected the label. “I do have OCD.”

“I never would have known, if you hadn’t let me in here. You’re handling it really well.”

Justin raised his eyebrows. “Do you know someone else who has it?”

“Yeah. One of my roommates from college.” Raf made a face. “I should have asked you for permission before I hugged you. I’m sorry about that.”

Justin felt a fluttering sensation in his midsection, different from the generalized anxiety he normally dealt with. It was true – before he had gotten a handle on his medication, he’d hated being touched by most people – and the fact that Raf knew this, or could anticipate it… it meant something to Justin that he couldn’t decipher just then.

“It’s okay. I didn’t mind.”

“I’m glad you showed me this.” Raf handed the bottle back to him, and he stashed it in the drawer again. “But you knew I was just teasing about your closet. Why did you let me in here?”

“I… I don’t know,” he said, honestly.

Raf nodded, then looked around the small space again. “You really don’t have to let me borrow something. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t,” Justin said, without thinking. “Uhm. Here. I think this might work.” He pulled a t-shirt off of the rack. It was a light, turquoise blue, similar to the one Raf was already wearing. “I never wear this one, anyway.”

Raf took it and held it up. “You should,” he said, not looking at Justin’s face. “It would look nice with your eyes.”

Justin felt his cheeks grow hot. He had no idea how to respond to that. “Uh… so, there are clean towels in the bathroom closet. I’ll show you.”

 

* * *

 

Justin left Raf alone in the bathroom and headed back to the couch. He didn’t pick up his phone, or turn on the TV, or reach for his game controller. Instead, he closed his eyes, rested his head against the couch cushions, and tried to figure out what was happening to him.

He’d let Raf into his _bedroom_. Into his _closet._ Raf officially knew more about him than any of his other friends in LA. Why? Why had Justin told him two of his most private secrets?

 _Because he asked_ , Justin thought. _Because he cared enough to ask._

He pressed the side of his face against the cushion, sitting where Raf had been sitting a few minutes before. He thought about Raf’s arms around his shoulders, and the fluttering sensation returned. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He wondered whether his t-shirt would fit Raf. It would probably be a little big, but passable. He thought about Raf, naked from the waist up, pulling the t-shirt over his head-

_Oh. Oh, no._

He opened his eyes. He stood up from the couch. He went to the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water, and drank it in one gulp. He checked the medication tracker in his phone – he knew he’d taken his pill on schedule in the morning, but it eased his mind to make sure – and then he poured himself another glass of water and drank that, too. Dry mouth was one of the most bothersome side effects of his medication, but he welcomed it, in comparison to the much more severe side effects he’d dealt with over the years, on higher doses of different drugs.

He was on his third glass of water when he heard the water turn off in the bathroom, and a minute later, Raf was standing in front of him, rubbing a towel over his wet hair.

“Hey!” He gestured to his torso. “It fits! Looks pretty good, huh?”

“Uhm… yeah,” Justin blurted.

“How are we doing on time?” Raf pulled the towel down from his head and started to fold it.

“We should get going pretty soon.”

“Okay.” Raf smoothed his still-damp hair back from his face with one hand. “I’m ready when you are.”

 

* * *

 

“Have you met the Game Grumps before?” Raf asked as Justin navigated them through the city streets.

“Yeah, I met Arin and Danny, once,” Justin said. “When I was still working with Team Edge.”

“Oh, right. That makes sense. I always thought Danny must be so nice.”

“He is. They both are.”

Raf nodded. “Okay. Good.”

Justin stole a glance at him. Raf sounded nervous, which was hard to believe. He had seemed so confident, so self-possessed all day.

“You have nothing to worry about,” Justin told him. “They’re totally normal. And Mark and Jack will be there, too.”

“I know. I can’t help it, though. I was a wreck when I found out I was going to meet Jack for the first time. And then Mark was just _there_ , at the house, the first time I went over there… I thought I was going to pass out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve been watching Mark’s channel for years. It’s one of the reasons I got into video production in the first place. Mark and Jack… they both mean a lot to me.”

Justin was quiet for a moment.

“Were you surprised that they were… you know… together?”

“Once the shock wore off… not really, honestly. I thought it was pretty obvious how they felt about each other in all that footage from when they first met. And then everyone started making such a big deal out of it, and I got the sense that they really just wanted their privacy. I know I would’ve. Imagine coming to terms with something like that with the whole world watching. I don’t even have the guts to tell my parents about myself... I can’t even imagine what they’ve gone through, worrying about millions of people finding out about all their secrets. Feeling forced to come out because people are obsessed with every last detail of their lives. I feel so badly for them, sometimes.”

Justin took this in, feeling a fresh wave of shame as he remembered the way he’d first spoken to Mark after he’d found out about his relationship with Jack. He never wanted to put someone in that position again. He promised himself that he’d never treat Raf that way.

“Why do you think you haven’t told your parents, yet?” he asked.

“They’re not going to take it well. I already know that. They’re about as Catholic as you can get. And very, very Mexican.”

“Really? My parents are, too.”

“Mexican?” Raf teased.

Justin laughed.

“Catholic. _Very._ ”

“Huh. Yeah. I’m not surprised.”

“Why’s that?”

Raf shrugged.

“Just a vibe, I guess. I mean, I’m not surprised there are more things we have in common.”

Justin thought about this. Before today, he would have placed Raf and himself firmly on opposite sides of a Venn diagram. But Raf was right; they had much more in common than he’d thought.

He pulled into the movie theater plaza and parked in the near-empty lot. They walked to the entrance together and found Danny, Arin, and Suzy waiting for them. Justin introduced them to Raf, and was impressed that he managed to play it cool, slipping easily into a conversation about the movie they were about to see. Mark and Jack showed up a couple minutes later, and they all headed inside together.

They bought tickets and snacks and then filed into the almost-empty theater. Justin had offered to share popcorn with Raf – Raf had paid for dinner earlier, and he was looking for a way to make it up to him – but Raf had turned him down.

“I’ll just end up eating the whole thing,” Raf had told him.

“Not into sharing?”

“Not as of late. And especially not popcorn.”

Justin was still trying to guess at Raf’s meaning when he took his seat in the darkened theater. Raf was on his left, and he was sitting at the end of a row, which suited him just fine. He got anxious in theaters once in a while – something about the bright lights, and the loud noises, and the height of the seats – and he was always grateful for an easy escape route, just in case.

He wasn’t feeling anxious now, but he was feeling _something_. It was light, and fluttery, and distracting. He found himself smiling more than once, thinking back on playing video games with Raf, and he kept thinking of things he wanted to tell him, but he couldn’t, because the coming attractions had already started playing. At one point he heard poorly contained laughter somewhere down the row, and he and Raf leaned forward to see Arin and Danny shushing each other, and Suzy covering her face in embarrassment. He also noticed that Jack’s hand was in Mark’s lap, and that their fingers were intertwined. He felt a pang of emotion, somewhere in the realm of envy. He thought it must feel nice, to have someone’s hand to hold.

The movie started playing, and he started working his way through his bag of popcorn – he’d opted for a small, while Raf had chosen a large – and he glanced over at Raf, and stifled a giggle. He’d barely made it halfway through his small bag, but Raf was nearly at the bottom of his large one, and still chewing. Raf caught him smirking and he leaned toward him – their shoulders pressed together –  and said, _“Don’t you dare judge me, Edwards.”_

Justin laughed silently. _“Wouldn’t dream of it, Silva.”_

He’d never spoken Raf’s last name out loud before. _Rafael Silva._ It was a nice-sounding name. Raf held his gaze for a moment, smiling a small smile, and then he straightened up and looked back at the screen.

Justin abandoned his popcorn before he reached the bottom, right around the same time that Raf finished his own, and Justin nudged at his arm and leaned over to whisper to him.

_“You can have the rest of my popcorn if you promise not to throw up all over me.”_

Raf giggled and leaned closer to him, so that their arms were pressed together on top of the armrest between their seats. _“I don’t make promises I can’t keep. I’ll trade you for it, though.”_

_“Oh yeah? What do I get?”_

Raf looked thoughtful.

_“I’ll give you a three-second head start at Mario Kart tomorrow, if you come over to my place.”_

Justin didn’t need time to consider the offer. He handed over the bag, and Raf took it with his left hand. He kept his right arm where it was: pressed against Justin’s.

Justin turned his head toward the screen again, but his gaze kept drifting in Raf’s direction. They were both wearing t-shirts, which meant he could feel the warmth of Raf’s skin against his arm from his elbow to his wrist. He kept waiting for Raf to pull his arm away, but he didn’t.

_He just needed extra space. These seats are small. I should just move, so he can stretch out._

But he didn’t move. He sat as still as he possibly could.

_What if he’s doing it on purpose?_

He closed his eyes. He felt cold, everywhere but the places Raf was pressed against him.

_What if he really-?_

Raf shifted in his seat, and leaned more heavily against him. And Justin knew it was intentional, and he kept his eyes closed, and he thought, _It’s almost like holding hands._ And Raf’s hand was _right there_ \- right next to his, on the armrest – and Justin took a breath, and then turned his hand, just a tiny bit, and rested the back of it against Raf’s.

And then Raf did the same.

And Justin squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter, because he liked how he felt – he liked how Raf was making him feel – and all he wanted was to let it happen, to let it be okay, to feel something _good_.

And when he opened his eyes and looked at Raf – he was so close, only two inches away – Raf looked back at him, and smiled, and whispered,

_“Hey. You okay?”_

And Justin nodded, and swallowed, and wondered if he’d ever seen someone smile at him like that before. As if the smile was a gift. As if Raf was giving it to him, and only him.

And when they eventually walked out of the theater, Justin’s arm ached from his shoulder to his fingertips, because he’d held it still against Raf’s for the rest of the movie.


	2. Chapter 2

Justin and Raf said goodbye to Mark at the theater entrance – he was hanging back, since Jack had forgotten his hat – and then parted ways with Arin, Suzy and Danny once they were outside the building. And then they walked to the car in silence and got inside, and Justin’s keys were in his pocket, but he didn’t take them out, because something was happening inside him, and he wasn’t ready to drive, or go home, or leave this day behind him.

“I think the movie was okay,” he said, and his voice sounded strange, and he was exaggerating, because he’d barely paid attention to it. He was looking straight ahead – not at Raf – and he couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands, so he rested them at the bottom of the steering wheel.

“Justin-”

“I mean, as far as sequels go. I guess I should probably watch the first one again-”

_“Justin.”_

“Huh?”

He looked at Raf, and Raf was looking back at him, and he tilted his head to the side, like he’d done so many times that day, like Justin was a puzzle he was trying to solve. And then he reached over the center console, and pulled Justin’s hand off of the steering wheel, and held it.

And Justin’s heart rate started to climb, and he felt like his stomach had turned itself inside out, and Raf was squeezing his fingers, and he was squeezing back-

“I- I know you probably need to get home,” he blurted. “I know it’s late-”

“Justin!”

“What?”

“Shut up!”

“What-?”

And then Raf leaned over, and put his fingertips on Justin’s cheek, and kissed him.

It was light, and quick – Justin didn’t even have time to close his eyes – and then Raf sat back and made a face.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked. Um- can I kiss you?”

Justin’s mouth was hanging open. He knew Raf was talking, but he might as well have been speaking Ancient Greek.

“Hu- huh?”

“Can I kiss you? Please?” he asked again, his eyes almost black in the dim light.

Justin thought he was supposed to say no, but he couldn’t remember why, and he’d forgotten how to speak, so he nodded instead.

And Raf grinned, and leaned toward him, and kissed him. And his mouth was warm – Raf was pressing his body closer – and Justin tasted salt, because he was kissing Raf, too, his mouth opening as they moved together, and his hand was in Raf’s hair, and it was so soft, just like he thought it would be-

“Hey-” Raf pulled away from him, looking startled. “Did you hear that?”

Justin just stared at him, dazed. But then he heard it, too: someone was yelling, somewhere in the parking lot. He and Raf scrambled out of the car and looked toward the sound. There were only a handful of cars left in the lot, but it was dark, and they could just barely make out a group of shadows a couple rows over. They saw movement, and then another voice cut through the night, loud and angry, and Justin looked at Raf.

“That sounded like-”

“-Jack.”

They broke into a run.

A few second later, they were right on top of Jack and Mark, who were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, looking ready for a fight.

“Holy  _shit_ ,” Justin observed, as he and Raf skidded to a stop. “What the  _fuck_?” He was looking toward the three men who were standing in a huddle several feet away, looking ragged and beaten.

“What  _happened_?” Raf demanded. He’d already pulled his phone out of his pocket and started recording, making sure to capture the three men on video before pointing it at Jack, who had blood pouring down his face.

“These assholes jumped us,” Mark managed, his voice low and weak.

Jack snorted, then coughed. “They  _tried_.” He spat the words at the three men, then spat actual blood onto the pavement in their direction.

“Shit, you  _freaks_ , do you know who these guys are?” Justin called to the men. “They’re _famous_ , dickbags. You are so _fucked._ ”

The three men looked at each other, clearly deeply disturbed by the fact that they’d been handily beaten by two queer men – two potentially  _famous_ queer men - and were now outnumbered. Justin thanked the universe that he and Raf had lingered in the parking lot, trying not to think about what could have happened to Mark and Jack if their assailants had managed to regroup. But thankfully, they were already sprinting away across the pavement and into the darkness. Mark turned to Jack, put his fingers under his chin, and inspected his face.

The amount of blood was alarming, and Jack’s nose was already starting to swell. Justin thought it was probably broken.

“Oh,  _fuck-_ ” Mark winced.

“Mark, yer hand-”

“Sean- your  _face-_ ”

“Both of you,” Raf cut in. “Hospital. Now. I’ll drive.”

Jack shook his head, then swayed on the spot. Mark put one arm around his shoulders and one hand on his hip, and held him up.

“Sean. Come on. We have to.”

“No… Mark… I just want to go home… I don’t want to go back there…”

All the fight had gone out of him. He was pleading now, and it was painful to watch. Justin felt like he was intruding on something incredibly private.

“We’ll go home  _right after,”_ _Mark was saying._ “I  _swear_. But it’s not safe yet. I need you to be safe. Okay? Please?”

Jack’s lower lip started to shake. He sagged in Mark’s arms.

 _“Can yeh call Jessie?”_  he asked.

 _“I will,”_ Mark promised.  _“As soon as we get in the car.”_

“Where are your keys?” Raf asked him.

“Uhm… I had them in my hand…”

Justin and Raf searched the pavement nearby and found Mark’s keys in a discarded pile. Raf got into the driver’s seat and set his GPS for the nearest emergency room, while Justin opened the backseat door and helped Mark and Jack inside. Then Justin climbed into the front next to Raf, and they started toward the hospital.

The ride passed in a blur. Justin’s mind was reeling after everything that had just happened, and he couldn’t stop himself from glancing at Jack in the backseat, even though the steady stream of blood flowing from his nose made him nauseous to look at.

But it wasn’t just the blood. It was the notion of what had happened. Jack had been _beaten_. In the middle of a parking lot. Why? He couldn’t believe that Mark or Jack had provoked those guys in any way.

He tried to think back to movie theater. Had the three guys been sitting all the way in the back? Had they seen Mark and Jack holding hands? Had they really broken Jack’s nose just because he had a boyfriend? It had nothing to do with them, it was none of their business…

_“Mark,”_ _Jack was saying, so quietly that Justin could barely hear him._

_“Yeah, babe.”_

_“I don’t want to sleep there.”_

_“I know. I’ll be there the whole time. We’re fine. We’re safe.”_  

 _You are,_ Justin thought, swallowing against the lump in his throat. _You’re safe. I’ll help keep you safe._

They arrived at the emergency room within ten minutes, and Justin and Mark helped Jack out of the backseat. They each kept one arm around his back, supporting most of his weight as they made their way into the reception area, and then Justin and Raf helped Jack into a chair while Mark went up to the desk. Raf kept his arm around Jack’s shoulders, and Jack leaned against him a bit, his eyes closed, his face pale against the blood that was staining his skin and the shirt he still held to his nose.

 _Mark’s shirt._ He’d taken it off and held it against Jack’s nose to try and stop the bleeding.

“It’s going to be alright, Jack,” Raf said. “I’ll stay here as long as you want, okay?”

“Me too,” Justin said, but he wasn’t looking at Jack’s face, because he could feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes.

“I’m really glad you guys are here,” Jack said, sounding weak, and exhausted, and sad, and Justin was relieved when Mark finally sat down on Jack’s other side, because Jack needed comfort, and Justin was drowning in the helplessness he felt, and he turned his face away and wiped at his cheek with the back of his hand.

“Here, Sean- put your head back-”

“Mark, no, yer hand-”

“Fuck my hand,” Mark said.

“Maybe later.”

Raf and Mark laughed at the joke, and Justin looked at Raf, who was smiling and holding onto Jack’s shoulder, and the momentary lightness was enough to help him get his emotions under control.

Someone else walked through the emergency room entrance just then – a slim, freckled girl wearing Mario pajama bottoms – and she made a beeline for Jack and started inspecting his face. Justin watched her, intrigued; he remembered Mark calling someone while they were in the car, but Justin didn’t know who she was, or how they knew her. Her expression was serious and steady, although she sniffed, once, when Jack took the t-shirt away from his nose, and she kissed the top of his head when she was done looking him over.

“Other injuries?” she asked Mark.

“I… uh… my hand might be hurt.”

“He’s downplaying it,” Jack murmured. “It’s probably broken.”

“Yours might be, too,”

“Any other blows to the body?” she prompted. Mark didn’t answer her right away, so she said, “I mean, did they…” She cleared her throat, sounding distressed for the first time. “Did they hit you anywhere else?”

“Oh. No. Wait. Sean? Did they?”

Jack started to shake his head, then winced, then groaned.

“No. Just my face.”

The girl nodded. “Right. Enough talking for now. I’ll come in with you. You can explain everything to the doctor, and… I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

“Thanks, Jessie,” Mark said. “Uh, sorry, guys – this is our friend Jessie. She’s a nurse, she took care of me in the hospital after my surgery.”

Raf and Justin introduced themselves, and Jessie shook their hands before sitting down on Mark’s opposite side.

“Jack, is there anyone else you want me to call?” Raf said quietly.

“No. Everyone I want to see is here. Thanks, though.” Jack’s eyes were closed, his head tilted back against Mark’s hand.

A minute later, a nurse came through a set of double doors, holding a laptop.

“Sean McLoughlin?”

Mark and Jessie stood up, and helped Jack to his feet.

“We’ll be here,” Raf assured them. “Just text if you need anything.”

He and Justin watched as the three of them followed a nurse through the double doors, and as soon as they were out of sight, Raf stood up from his seat.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, and his voice sounded muffled, and Justin stood up to look at him, but he was already walking toward the sign at the far end of the room.

“Raf- wait-” Justin was right behind him, but Raf didn’t stop. He walked into the bathroom and all the way to the far wall, and then he leaned against it, and put his face in his hands, and started to cry. He was silent, at first, his body turned away from Justin, his face hidden, but then he let out a sob that shook him from his shoulders to his toes.

Justin had been staring, frozen in place, but Raf’s sobbing hit him like a punch, and he scrambled to Raf’s side, and pulled him away from the wall, and hugged him. And Raf went on sobbing, his hands still over his face, and Justin heard himself saying _Please don’t cry, please don’t cry, please don’t cry,_ until his own cheeks were wet, and Raf finally looked at him – his face crumpled and red – and put his arms around his shoulders, and hugged him back.

“Th-they broke h-his nose,” Raf choked between sobs, and Justin held him tighter.

“I know,” he said. “But he’s okay. He’ll be fine.”

“No, h-he won’t.” Raf was shaking his head, his hair brushing against Justin’s cheek.

“Of course he will. He’ll be all healed up before you know it.”

Raf pulled away from him, still crying quietly. He pulled a handful of paper towels out of a nearby dispenser and handed a few to Justin.

“His _nose_ will h-heal,” he said, wiping at his face. “What about the rest of h-him?”

Justin was still crying, too, for more reasons than he could readily quantify, but first and foremost because it was completely unbearable to watch Raf in this much distress.

“What do you mean?” He tried to make his voice sound soothing, but he wasn’t sure he hit the mark.

“Justin…” Raf was starting to calm down now, but his voice was hard. Almost _angry._ He leaned against the row of sinks and ran a hand through his hair. “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like, to feel like anyone you meet might just hate you by default. Like your life could be in danger at any time, if the strangers around you knew who you really were. It’s… it’s _terrifying_. You think those guys would care if Jack was lying dead in that parking lot? That might have been their _goal_.”

Justin felt like he’d been slapped. The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. He was flooded with guilt, imagining Jack lying on the pavement – and then it wasn’t Jack he was picturing, but Raf, and he felt nausea threatening to overtake him again, and he leaned against the counter, too, searching for something to say.

“You’re right.” His mouth was so dry, it was hard to talk. “I didn’t understand. I’m sorry.”

Raf stared at him for a moment, then shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Please. I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

“Yeah, you should’ve. I’m listening.”

Raf took a step closer to him.

“It’s just… when I saw Jack like that… I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared before.”

Something squeezed inside Justin’s chest. He realized it, now: this was Raf’s worst nightmare, and here he was, right in the middle of it, completely helpless.

“I wish I could fix it,” he heard himself saying. “I don’t want that. I don’t want you to have to be scared.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. Then he moved close to Justin, and slid his arms around his waist, and hugged him. And Justin hugged him back, and the relief was incredible, because he knew Raf would be safe, as long as they were together.

“Justin?” Raf’s chin was resting on his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t know you were like this.”

Raf’s hair smelled like his shampoo.

“Like what?”

“…Sweet. I didn’t know you were sweet.”

Justin swallowed. “Neither did I.”

Raf’s lips pressed against his cheek.

_“But you are.”_

Justin let his eyes fall shut.

_“I want to be.”_

_“You are.”_

And then Raf kissed his lips, just once, and when Justin opened his eyes, Raf was right there – waiting, barely breathing – and he knew whatever happened next would be up to him. And he thought about Raf laughing in his living room… and holding his prescription bottle, and comforting Jack in the waiting room… and he held his breath, and kissed him. And Raf’s body was pressing against him – Raf was warm and solid in his arms – and Justin’s body was responding, his face hot and flushed, his arms tight around Raf’s waist, his abdomen aching with-

_Oh-_

He stopped, and let go of Raf, and took a step back, and Raf looked at him, concern in his expression.

“Justin? Are you okay?”

He was avoiding Raf’s eye. He nodded.

Raf was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “I know this is a lot. I know you probably need some time. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Justin nodded again. “Thank you.”

Raf rubbed at his eyes. “I was thinking of trying to find some coffee. Do you want anything?”

“Water.”

“Sure. I’ll meet you out there, whenever you’re ready.”

He rested his fingertips on Justin’s arm as he passed, and then he was gone.

Justin walked into a stall and locked himself in, and then leaned against one of the walls. His whole body felt like it was on fire, and the ache below his belly was almost unbearable. He unzipped his shorts and pulled his boxers down around his hips, and found that he was painfully erect, his cock throbbing intensely just from the fabric sliding over it. He stared at the precum that was still leaking from the tip, and then rested his face against the wall, and started to cry.

He cried because of what had happened to Jack.

He cried because of the way Raf had hidden his face while he sobbed.

And he cried because he was twenty-five years old, and this was the first time he’d ever gotten hard from holding someone in his arms.

He kept his hands balled into fists until the aching started to subside, and then he zipped up his shorts, and adjusted his shirt, and washed his face in one of the sinks.

He found Raf sitting near the end of a row of chairs when he finally went back to the waiting room. There was an end-table there, with a styrofoam cup and several bottled drinks – water, Gatorade, apple juice, and orange juice. There were snacks, too – two granola bars and two bags of Chex Mix.

“I… I know you said water,” Raf said, looking downright weary. It was almost 4 AM. “I guess I went a little overboard. The coffee is pretty awful, but…” He shook his head, like he knew he was rambling.

“Thanks.” Justin sat down next to him. “I usually try to avoid caffeine, but… thanks.” He picked up the bottle of apple juice instead.

“Oh, shit, right. That makes sense.” Raf rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Um. Mark texted me a couple minutes ago. The police are on their way.”

“Why-? Oh. Right. God, they’re going to want to talk to us, right?”

Raf nodded, his expression apologetic. “Probably separately, too. They’ll just take statements. But I think I recorded most of what we saw. Hopefully the video will be good enough.”

“I bet there were security cameras outside the theater, too,” Justin said. “Hopefully they can find those guys.”

They sipped their drinks in silence for a few minutes, and then divvied up the snacks. Justin was finishing off a bag of Chex Mix when two police officers walked inside from the parking lot and introduced themselves. They were a mismatched pair: Officer Cruz was a short, stocky woman with long, dark hair pulled back in a severe ponytail, and Officer Greene was a tall, bulky black man with his hair buzzed down to the scalp. They were both friendly, and apologetic about the circumstances. Officer Greene asked Raf to join him on the opposite side of the room, and Officer Cruz pulled one of the chairs away from the row and sat down in front of Justin.

“So, Justin, I’m going to try to keep this brief. I’m sure you’re anxious to get home and get some sleep.”

He nodded, and Officer Cruz smiled at him, more warmly than he’d expected.

“Can you tell me everything you remember about tonight?”

“Yeah. So, we were at the movies with some friends. We got there around 11:45 and bought snacks and everything. I remember seeing those guys in the lobby before we went into the theater. There weren’t a lot of other people there.”

“’Those guys’?” She asked him.

“Yeah – sorry – the guys who attacked Jack and Mark.”

He described them as best he could, and told her that Mark and Jack had been holding hands in the theater, and that the three men could have seen it.

“Did you see the men when you were leaving?”

He thought about it for a moment. “No… we left before them. But then Jack forgot his hat, and he went back to get it, and Mark waited for him while the rest of us went out to the parking lot.”

She scribbled some notes down onto a notepad.

“Okay. What happened next?”

“Raf and I went back to my car, and we stayed there for a while-” Justin stopped abruptly, as the second half of that sentence rose to the surface of his mind. Obviously, some part of him knew that something was happening between him and Raf, but thus far he’d avoided disintegrating into a hysterical mess by refusing to name it, even to himself. He felt his hands start to shake, and he squeezed them into fists.

Officer Cruz eyed him, her expression unreadable. “What time was that?”

“Uhm. A little before three? I’m not sure.”

“And why did you stay, instead of going straight home?”

“We were talking, and then-” Justin swallowed. There was no escaping from it. He hated lying – he wasn’t even sure if he was capable of it, in a situation like this – and Raf would be answering these same questions, and Justin knew that Raf would tell the truth. “And then we… we were… kissing.”

Her expression remained unchanged. “You and…” She glanced down at her notepad. “…Rafael?”

Justin nodded.

“What’s the nature of your relationship?”

“We… we’re friends,” he said, and it sounded false, but it was too big of a question, and he didn’t know the answer.

She made another note.

“Okay. What happened next?”

The rest came more easily. Justin described what they’d heard and seen, and Officer Cruz made some more notes, and then asked him to write down his full name and contact information on a clean sheet of paper. Officer Greene escorted Raf out to the parking lot so he could copy the cell phone video onto the cruiser’s laptop, and then the two officers spoke to the receptionist and disappeared through the double doors, presumably to interview Mark and Jack.

Justin and Raf sat together in silence for a while, and then Justin opened the bottle of orange juice, and took a sip, and then offered it to Raf, who accepted it gratefully. They passed it back and forth until it was empty, and then Raf looked down at his hands.

“I told them the truth about-”

“I know. I did too.”

Raf shivered a little. They were both well past the point of exhaustion, and Justin was feeling it, too – that cold, jittery sensation that came after a stressful, sleepless night. He was no stranger to the feeling, and he was too tired to think carefully about much of anything, so he looped his right arm under Raf’s left, and leaned against him, and rested his head on Raf’s shoulder.

And he thought he felt something warm pressing against his forehead as he drifted off, but he might have been already dreaming.

 

* * *

 

_“Justin.”_

He heard his name through the haze, and he lifted his head, and Raf was there, so close, and Justin smiled, because he was still half asleep, and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

 _“Hey,”_ Raf murmured, smiling back at him.

_“Hey.”_

_“They’re back, and they’re okay. We can go home, now.”_

Justin followed his gaze and saw Mark and Jack talking with Jessie several feet away. He straightened up – a little too fast, his head spun a bit – and he pulled his arm away from Raf, and he tried not to panic. Mark and Jack must have seen him, sleeping on Raf’s shoulder. What would they think? What did _Raf_ think?

_What am I doing?_

He kept his thoughts to himself while Jessie drove him and Raf back to the theater, and they said their goodbyes, and climbed into Justin’s car, and stayed silent for several long, heavy minutes while Justin drove toward Raf’s apartment.

“Can I tell you something?” Raf eventually asked, his voice small and scratchy.

“Yeah.”

“I had a really good day, yesterday, before… before all the bad things happened. And I was really glad you were there during the bad stuff, too.”

Justin didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how he felt, and some of his thoughts were ugly, and he imagined that he was made of stone, or steel, so that he could hold them all inside himself. So that Raf wouldn’t have to hear them.

“And I just want you to know,” Raf continued, “that I don’t need anything from you. Except… I’m really hoping you still want to be friends. Because I do.”

Justin didn’t trust himself to speak, so he wore his silence like armor, and nodded, his eyes on the road ahead. Neither of them spoke again until Justin pulled up to the curb in front of Raf’s building.

Raf put his hand on the door handle, and then looked at Justin.

“Could we talk later? After we get some sleep?”

Justin managed to look back at him, and Raf looked so tired and sad, and Justin’s heart ached, because he wanted so many things he wasn’t supposed to want, and he was hurting someone who didn’t deserve to be hurt, and he was powerless, and scared, and alone.

“Maybe,” he said, and he hated himself for it, and Raf looked away from him, and got out of the car.

 

 

* * *

 

Justin woke up in his bed several hours later, his face on fire against his pillow. He usually slept on his stomach – he was laying like that, now – but he was uncomfortable, and hot, and he didn’t know why, because the air conditioning was on full blast. He rolled onto his back – _ah_ – and slid his hand under his shirt, and his stomach was so hot against his fingertips, and he was aching, and _wet_ …

He moved his hand further down, his eyes still closed, and ran his fingers over the damp spot in his boxers. And then he slipped his hand inside, and found his cock swollen and aching and slick with precum, and he knew that he’d been dreaming, or remembering. And in his mind he was back in the hospital bathroom, and Raf was kissing him, again and again and again, and Raf’s body was pressed against him-

 _“Ah-_ ”

He stroked at himself, and his whole body shuddered, and Raf’s hands were hot against his back-

 _“Ah- hah-_ ”

…and he bucked against his hand, and Raf’s tongue was in his mouth-

 _“Mh-_ ”

 _…_ and he squeezed and stroked _faster faster faster-_

 _“F-fuck-_ ”

…and he came inside his boxers, his eyes still shut tight.

And then he curled onto his side, and bent his knees toward his chest, and drifted off to sleep again, pretending that he wasn’t alone.

 

* * *

 

He woke again after another hour of dreamless sleep, and he was stiff and sticky and uncomfortable. He groped for his phone and checked the time – it was almost 1 PM – and then tapped into his medication tracker. He felt momentary relief; evidently he’d had the presence of mind to swallow his pill with a protein shake before falling into bed.

He tapped into the single notification that was waiting for him – a series of text messages from his sister, Allison – and read them.

 

Ally: How was the movie?

Ally: Helllooo little brother!

Ally: [megaphone emoji] YOUR SISTER REQUIRES REASSURANCE

Ally: Seriously, text me back when you get this

He was pleased to note that more than an hour had passed between the first and second message. Allison tended to fuss over him, though there hadn’t been much reason for her to do so for several years, and it was reasonable for her to be concerned about not hearing back.

 

Justin: Sorry, I had a long night. I just woke up. I’ll tell you about it later.

Ally: You just woke up? I’m not going to ask the question I want to ask, but this is your reminder, in case you forgot

Justin: I took my pill on time.

Ally: Do I get credit for implying instead of asking?

Justin: Half credit.

Ally: Is everything else okay?

 

Justin stared at the screen, thinking, _Literally nothing is okay_. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he wasn’t ready to tell her what was going on.

 

Justin: I’m exhausted. Maybe I can fill you in some other time?

Ally: You know you can call me anytime. Maybe I can come down and see you next week.

Justin: Sounds great. Thanks.

 

He rolled out of bed and went straight to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth while he let the shower heat up, stashed his t-shirt and his stained boxers in a hamper, and then stepped into the small glass enclosure. He closed his eyes and let the water run over his hair, and then he groped for his shampoo bottle, and found that it wasn’t there. He looked around and found it on the wrong shelf.

_Why-? Oh…_

Raf must have moved it by mistake. Raf had been right here, yesterday, washing his hair… wiping water from his eyes… letting soap run down his body-

_Oh, God-_

It was happening again. Justin’s stomach swooped, and he was so _hot_ , and he was tense and aching. He was desperate to see Raf again, but he couldn’t even _think_ about him without getting hard, and he had to get it out of his system, so he pressed his forehead against the tile, and let the warm water run down his back. And he thought about Raf’s lean, naked body occupying this space, and _Oh, God,_ he was halfway gone before he’d started to touch himself, and he pressed his lips against his own arm as he came all over the wall, and imagined that it was Raf’s mouth on him, instead.

 

* * *

 

 

He dressed in boxers and a plain white t-shirt and made himself a sandwich before he checked his phone again. He was trying to figure out what to do next, and it was becoming increasingly clear that he needed to see Raf. Emotionally, he felt marginally more in control, but he was hopelessly distracted. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d jacked off twice in one morning, and he’d _never_ jacked off while thinking about someone he knew in real life. He was no longer plagued by incessant arousal, but how long would it be before it happened again?

He briefly considered telling Raf that they needed to stay away from each other. But as soon as he imagined that scenario playing out, he knew it was impossible. They had to maintain a decent working relationship, if he wanted to continue working for Mark. And he was sure Raf would be crushed if Justin tried to shut him out. He felt viscerally protective of Raf’s feelings, though he didn’t understand why.

Most importantly, though, he didn’t _want_ to stay away from Raf. He couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled so easily, or laughed so much, in a single day. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a friend that mattered to him like Raf was starting to. Maybe he never had.

And Raf _liked_ him. And it felt _good_ to be liked. And Raf was smart, and funny, and honest, and forgiving. And _warm._ The first time Raf had hugged him, it was like an invisible barrier between them had come crashing down, and for the first time in Justin’s life, he had granted someone access to his body without fear or hesitation or obsessive analysis. He didn’t _care_ what any of it meant. He just wanted to feel it again.

So when he finally went back to his bedroom to check his phone, and found a text message from Raf, he felt light, and excited, and _happy._

 

Raf: How are you feeling today?

Justin: There aren’t enough adjectives in the English language.

Raf: I could teach you Spanish. Maybe that would help.

 

Justin smiled. He flopped down onto his bed.

 

Justin: How long do you think that would take?

Raf: At least the rest of this afternoon.

 

Justin _giggled_ , alone in his bedroom.

 

Justin: I guess we should get started, then.

Raf: Seriously?

Justin: Yeah. Spanish lessons and Mario Kart. I’m ready when you are.

Raf: You want to come over?

Justin: Yes. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about everything yet.

Raf: I meant what I said last night. I like being around you. It can be that simple right now.

Justin: Text me a food order. I’ll pick up anything you want.

 

* * *

 

 

Justin was standing inside Raf’s apartment within the hour, holding two pizza boxes and taking in the main living space. He thought it matched Raf perfectly. It was clean and organized – Justin found the tidiness immensely comforting – but it had character, too. There was a variety of posters and artwork hanging on the walls – mostly graphic prints from films and video games that Justin recognized – and there were floating shelves on the walls displaying collectibles, books, and comics. Justin noticed that Marvel Comics merchandise was featured heavily – Raf obviously liked superheroes – and he handed Raf the pizza boxes, walked over to one of the shelves, and inspected the Deadpool figurine he found there.

“I loved this movie,” he told Raf. “I saw it in the theater when it came out.”

Raf put the boxes down on the coffee table and went to stand next to him.

“Me too. I really like the comics, too.”

“I’ve never read any about Deadpool.”

“They’re great. You can borrow some, if you want.”

“Sure.”

They looked at each other, and Justin found that the urge to hug Raf was almost overwhelming. Raf was smiling, and his hand was right there, so close, so Justin touched it lightly with his fingertips, and Raf’s smile became a wide grin, and he put his arms around Justin’s waist, and they hugged each other close.

“Thanks for bringing food,” Raf said. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

And then Raf let him go, a little more quickly than Justin wanted him to, and he retrieved two plates from the kitchen, and they sat down on the couch and started eating.

“I wasn’t sure if you ate pizza,” Raf said, watching Justin with interest as he picked up a second slice.

“Really? Why not?”

“Uhm. You’re in really good shape.”

“Oh.” Justin felt himself starting to blush. “Thanks. Uh… so are you.”

Raf laughed. “Not like you. You play soccer, right?”

“Yeah. And I go to Orange Theory. I like the structure.”

“Wow. Intense.”

“Not your thing?”

“No. I run, though. Sometimes on a treadmill – there’s a fitness center downstairs – but I would rather go outside if I can.”

Justin nodded. “That doesn’t surprise me.”

“What? That I like to go outside?” Raf grinned, teasing, and Justin laughed.

“No. That you run. You… look like you do.” He almost said _feel_ instead of _look_.

“We could go together sometime, if you want,” Raf said. “Sometimes I just do a loop around here, but sometimes I drive over to Veterans Park.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

They each picked up another slice of pizza, and Justin’s gaze traveled down the length of Raf’s torso, and he wondered what he would look like in motion, sprinting in shorts and sneakers and nothing else…

“Oh,” Raf said, when he’d finished his slice. “I washed your shirt. Remind me to give it to you, before you go.”

Justin shook his head. “Keep it, if you like it. It looks way better on you.”

“That can’t possibly be true,” Raf said.

Justin shrugged. “My sister picked it out. I don’t usually wear bright colors.”

Raf nodded. “You try to blend in.”

“Uh. I guess.”

“You don’t, though. You stand out.”

Justin stared at him, trying to figure out what to say, and then Raf kissed him, lightly, just for a moment.

“Done with your plate?” he asked, before Justin had recovered.

“Huh?”

“I can clean up real quick, and then maybe we can check out the footage from yesterday? And play some games after?”

“Uhm. Yeah. Yes. Here, let me help.”

 

* * *

 

 

“JUSTIN I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU GET ONE MORE RED FUCKING SHELL-”

“C’MON C’MON C’MON-”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“NOOOO NO NO NO-”

“BYE!”

“Stupid fucking shell I can’t even FUCKING believe that-”

“What’s that, Silva? I can’t hear you all the way from first place-”

“Oh, keep fucking talking Edwards, we still have half a lap left-”

“Think you can catch me?”

“I will DESTROY you-”

“Come and get me, then-”

“Working on it-”

Justin jabbed an elbow in Raf’s direction, jostling his arm, and Raf laughed, and swore, and kicked at his ankle, and he was gaining on Justin - he had a boost he hadn’t used yet - but Justin saw it, and knew it would be a photo finish, and they both whizzed across the finish line, and Justin put his hand over Raf’s eyes, so he couldn’t see who won-

“HEY!”

…and Raf tried to wrestle Justin’s arm away, but Justin pushed him back against the couch and blocked the TV with his body, and they struggled, and laughed, and Justin had Raf’s arms pinned with his hands, and Raf’s smile lit up his whole face – and the room, and the world – and then Justin was kissing him, and he put one hand in his hair, and the other on his neck, and Raf’s mouth was opening, and he made a small sound-

 _“Mh-_ ”

…and then Justin heard his own voice-

 _“Ah-_ ”

…and then Raf was pressing gently on his chest, and they broke apart and looked at each other, breathing hard.

“Justin…”

He was looking at Raf’s mouth; it was incredibly distracting.

“Huh?”

“I think we should go slow, okay?”

 _Slow?_ Justin thought that sounded like a terrible idea. He tried to catch his breath, but he couldn’t, because of all the pressure below his stomach-

_Oh-_

He sat back, pulling his hands away from Raf’s face and shifting uncomfortably, because he was halfway hard, and was praying that Raf wouldn’t see, because _Oh, God,_ he wasn’t ready for that.

“Here… can I show you?” Raf asked, and then he picked up one of Justin’s hands, and rested his fingertips lightly on Justin’s cheek, and kissed him. It was so sweet and slow that Justin felt dizzy, and when Raf pulled away from him, he leaned against the couch and sighed.

“Did that feel okay?” Raf asked.

Justin nodded.

“Good. Uh. Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

“Deadpool?”

Justin smiled. “Absolutely.”

“Okay. I was thinking I might change. Do you want to borrow some gym shorts?”

They were both wearing jeans, and Justin’s were feeling particularly uncomfortable at the moment.

“Actually… yeah. Thank you.”

“Cool. Hang on.”

Justin stood up from the couch as soon as Raf was out of sight, and adjusted his jeans as best he could, feeling like he was one erection away from total insanity. Seriously, how many did the average person get in a single day? He had no idea. He had never talked to anyone about anything like that. His soccer buddies joked about sex sometimes, or talked about their girlfriends, but Justin could never relate. He had always felt like he was barred from some shared experience that was essential to everyone around him, and it was incredibly isolating. He had tried to force it – he’d dated his last girlfriend for almost five months – but he hadn’t felt any of the things people told him he was supposed to feel. All he felt was guilt for wasting her time, and keeping her from finding someone who could give her what she needed.

But this thing with Raf couldn’t be more different. There was nothing forced about it. If anything, he was on autopilot when they were together, and he knew that that might eventually catch up with him, but for now, he wouldn’t trade what he was feeling for anything in the world.

Raf came back wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a gray t-shirt – _God, he looks good in everything_ – and he handed Justin a pair of long, black gym shorts.

“Want some nachos?” Raf asked. It was after 8 PM – it had been hours since they’d finished the pizza – and Justin hadn’t realized it until that moment, but he was hungry.

“Yeah, sure, if you don’t mind.”

“I really don’t. Hey, um… not to pry, but… are you a strategic eater?”

Justin had never heard it put that way before, but he knew what Raf meant: he tended to sort his food into colors, or categories, or perfectly sized bites, and it bothered him when the process was interrupted, though he never mentioned it to anyone.

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“Cool. I’ll make you your own plate.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that-”

“Hey.” Raf reached for his hand, and squeezed it. “It’s no problem. Go change.”

Raf went into the kitchen, and Justin stood still for a moment, trying to name what he was feeling, and the only label that seemed to fit was _relief._

He changed in the bathroom – Raf’s shorts were snug, but not tight – and he folded his jeans and went back to the living room. Raf had left a glass of ice water for him on the coffee table, and he took a sip, and then headed into the kitchen area to help Raf finish up. There wasn’t much to be done, but he liked to feel useful, so he washed a few stray dishes while Raf ran the two plates of nachos through the microwave, and then they went back to the living room together. Raf started the movie, and they ate their snacks and laughed at the familiar jokes.

When they were finished eating, Justin insisted on cleaning up, so he finished the dishes, wiped down the countertops and cleaned the microwave for good measure, and then went back to find Raf under a blanket on the couch, looking sleepy.

Raf lifted the edge of the blanket and tilted his head, and Justin sat down next to him. And then Raf’s arm was around his shoulders, and he was resting his head against Raf’s chest – and Raf was so warm, his breathing slow and even – and Raf’s hand was in his hair, and for a second, Justin thought he might cry, because he had been waiting his whole life for a moment like this.

And he slid his arm around Raf’s waist, and closed his eyes. And he felt Raf’s lips on his forehead, and he fell asleep holding tight to the fabric of Raf’s shirt.

 

* * *

 

 

Justin woke up hours later with his head still on Raf’s chest, and he straightened up slowly and found Raf sound asleep, his head resting against the couch, his lips slightly parted. The room was dark except for the screen saver on the TV, which must have kicked on when the movie had ended. The clock on the console read 2:56 AM.

Justin deliberated. He didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t think he could fall asleep in that position again. He didn’t want to have to decide what to do; he wanted Raf to wake up, and make everything easy, like he always did.

He examined Raf’s sleeping face, and he loved the look of absolute relaxation he found there, but he missed seeing Raf’s eyes. He pressed his lips to Raf’s cheek, and Raf opened his eyes, and they smiled at each other, and kissed each other, and hugged each other close.

 _“I’m sorry I woke you up,”_ Justin whispered. _“I wasn’t sure what to do. And… I missed you.”_

_“Mm. You can wake me up like that whenever you want.”_

_“Do you think I should go home?”_

_“Absolutely not. Stay with me.”_

Justin breathed a sigh of relief.

_“We might just need to find a new position.”_

_“Right. Well, there’s plenty of space in my bed.”_

Justin felt himself go stiff, and Raf felt it, too, and looked in his eyes, and said, _“I’m sorry. Too soon. We can stay right here.”_

Justin relaxed immediately. _“You sure?”_

_“So sure.”_

Raf moved a throw pillow to the end of the couch, and then he stretched out on his side, with his back pressed against the cushions, and he gestured to the empty space in front of him. And then Justin positioned himself so they were face-to-face, even though he knew the position made no sense for sleeping, and Raf put his arm around his waist, and kissed him. And it was slow and sweet again, and Raf’s hand was moving in circles over his back, and then it was moving toward his hip-

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can I touch you under your shirt?”_

_“Yes.”_

…and Raf’s hand was hot against his skin, moving slowly up his side and around to his back, alternating between gentle fingertips and firm, insistent pressure, while they watched each other’s eyes-

_“Justin.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Turn over.”_

Justin did as he was told. He pressed his back against Raf’s chest and stomach, and Raf slid his arm around him and pulled him even closer. Then he rested his hand on Justin’s belly, and put his lips on Justin’s neck, and Justin closed his eyes while Raf’s mouth traveled from the base of his skull to the front of his throat-

 _“Mh-_ ”

Raf paused.

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Think you can sleep?”_

_“I’m not sure. I don’t care.”_

_“Want me to keep going?”_

_“Yes.”_

And then Raf’s lips were on him again – along his neck, in his hair – and Raf’s hand was resting on the center of his chest, and Justin was sighing with his eyes closed. And he was awake for a long time, and Raf kept kissing him, and kissing him, and kissing him.


	3. Chapter 3

It was light when Justin opened his eyes again, and Raf’s arm was curled around his chest, and he was holding Raf’s hand. His neck and his legs were stiff from sleeping in an awkward position, but he didn’t try to get up. He moved his thumb lightly over Raf’s knuckles, and Raf shifted a bit, and pressed against him-

_Oh-_

Raf was still sleeping, his breath slow and even against the back of Justin’s neck, but he was hard – Justin could feel it pressing against his tailbone, where their bodies were curved together – and he was fascinated, and terrified, and aroused at the thought of it. It was a wholly new experience; Justin rarely wondered what went on underneath other people’s clothes, and even though he had pictured Raf naked in his shower, the details had been hazy and abstract. But this was concrete – Raf had anatomy like his own, got aroused just like he did. Maybe Raf touched himself in the shower, too. Maybe Raf made himself come, thinking about-

_“Justin…”_

Raf stirred, and pressed against him, and Justin panicked, and tried to move, but there was nowhere to go, and he fell off of the couch and onto one knee.

Raf sat up, wide awake now. He stared, then smiled.

“Hey. That stance looks good on you.”

“I… what?” Justin blurted, and Raf giggled.

“Nothing. Are you okay? I didn’t push you off, did I?

“No. I mean, yes. I mean… shit. _Yes,_ I’m okay. _No,_ you didn’t push me off, I… fell.”

Raf nodded.

“I’m not surprised. I can’t believe we slept like that.”

He stood up from the couch – his t-shirt in disarray, his sweatpants low on his hips – and he extended his hand, and pulled Justin up from the floor.

“Hey,” he said, smiling, and Justin smiled back.

“Hey.”

“So… I was thinking of making breakfast…”

Justin’s phone started beeping, startling them both.

“Shit.” He picked it up from the coffee table and silenced the alarm. “I have to get home.”

Raf’s face fell. “Oh… okay.”

“No, it’s just… I usually eat breakfast at home, I have to take my pill...”

“Oh!” Raf put a hand on his forehead. “Right! I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking…”

“It’s fine, I just didn’t want you to think… I mean, I’m not, like, running out on you, or anything…”

Raf held onto his right forearm with his left hand, folding in on himself a little bit.

“Justin… um… I’m trying really hard not to put any pressure on you…”

He nodded. “I know.”

“…and I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but… well, a couple of my friends told me to stay away from you, a while back. I heard that you said it was wrong to be gay. Unnatural. Sick. Is that true?”

Justin looked away from him, awash in shame. “Yeah. It’s true.”

“Do you still think that?”

He met Raf’s eye again. “No. I don’t.”

Raf nodded. “I just… I need to know that you respect who I am. You act like you do, but… sometimes people say one thing, but they really believe something else. Some guys hook up with people like me, and then go meet their buddies at the bar and talk about how much they hate fags. I’m not into that. Whatever else is going on here… I need to know that you actually like me.”

“I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like you,” Justin said, without thinking, because it was true. “I would never disrespect you like that. And I would never use that word. I would never say anything like that.”

“And you’re not, like… hating yourself? When we’re together?”

“I don’t hate anything, when we’re together.”

Raf’s eyes went wide, his expression still serious, and he nodded, and said, “I believe you.”

“So… we’re okay?” Justin held his breath. He _needed_ them to be okay.

Raf smiled. “Can I make you dinner later? I have some work to catch up on, but I can be free tonight.”

“Yes.” Justin felt himself smiling. “Tonight.”

“Do you mind coming back here? I already know what I want to make, and I might get a head start this afternoon, if I have time.”

“I don’t mind. I like it here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin drove home with a smile on his face, thinking about the way Raf had kissed him goodbye. He ate a basic breakfast and took his medication, and exchanged some texts with Mark and Jack, confirming that they were both doing okay, and that they were still planning to head to Cincinnati on Friday. He had work to do for Mark and for his other job, so he settled in at his desk in his room. He didn’t shower, because he was planning to go to the gym as soon as he’d made some progress, and he didn’t change his clothes, either, because they smelled like Raf.

He opened up his easy-fix folder – files he could edit without much thought or effort – and started working his way through some small tasks. He recorded his progress in a spreadsheet he kept for himself – he was on-schedule, but not _ahead_ , like he usually was – and he enjoyed the familiar satisfaction of productivity.

After about two hours of work, his phone buzzed on his desk, and he picked it up and found a text message from Raf.

 

Raf: I’m really glad you stayed last night

Justin: Me too

Raf: How’s your work going?

Justin: Good so far. You?

Raf: Not so great, I’m pretty distracted

 

Justin felt himself starting to blush. He wasn’t completely oblivious – he knew Raf was trying to flirt with him – but he wasn’t sure what to do next. He knew he could afford to take a break, though, so he went to his bed and sat on top of the neatly arranged comforter.

He had tried texting like this in the past, with girls he had dated before, and it had never worked out well. He always found himself bored, or embarrassed, or disgusted with himself, after forcing himself to say something that he didn’t really think or feel.

But everything was different, now, and all he felt was an intense desire to know what Raf would say next.

 

Justin: What’s so distracting?

Raf: You are

 

Justin’s stomach swooped.

 

Justin: Should I apologize?

Raf: Absolutely not

Justin: How can I help?

Raf: Where are you right now?

Justin: Sitting on my bed. Where are you?

Raf: I’m under the covers. You should be, too.

 

Justin swallowed, his heartbeat hammering away in his chest. He pulled the comforter and sheet down and slid underneath them, and then pulled them back up by his shoulders, arranging them in a bubble around himself so he could still hold his phone by his chest.

 

Justin: Okay, I’m under the covers now

Raf: I like thinking about that. What are you wearing?

Justin: I didn’t change yet

Raf: You still have my shorts on?

Justin: Yes

Raf: You look good in my clothes, but you might be a little overdressed for bed

 

Justin’s hips tensed involuntarily, pressing down against the cool sheet underneath him, and he felt himself _throb_ \- and they were just flirting, he knew that, but the idea that Raf was there, on the other side of the screen, thinking about him, was intensely erotic.

 

Justin: Why, what are you wearing?

Raf: I just took a shower, so… nothing

Raf: I wouldn’t complain if you wanted to get more comfortable

 

Justin chewed on his lower lip. Then he set his phone aside, took a deep breath, and pulled off his shirt and Raf’s shorts.

 

Justin: I took two things off

Raf: I’m guessing your boxers are still on

Raf: And I’m guessing they’re white and semi-fitted

Justin: How did you know?

Raf: It’s a skill

Raf: Just kidding, I checked you out last night when we were on the couch

Justin: You did?

Raf: Of course I did

Raf: If you need to forget I said this later, because it’s too weird, or whatever, that’s fine, but you are so fucking sexy

 

Justin’s breath caught. No one had ever said that to him before. He changed the setting on his phone’s keyboard so he could swipe-type with one hand, and then he slid his right hand under the blankets and moved it over the front of his boxers, feeling his cock throbbing underneath.

 

Justin: I think you are too

Raf: Really?

Justin: Yes

Justin: I thought about you yesterday, in the shower

Raf: I’m guessing you weren’t wearing boxers, then

Justin: No, I wasn’t

Raf: God, that’s so hot

Raf: I thought about you in the shower, too

Raf: But I wanted to talk to you before I did anything about it

 

Justin thought about Raf, naked in the shower, aching to touch himself, just like he’d been yesterday… He squeezed his cock through the fabric of his boxers and rolled his hips, and his palm was damp from the precum leaking through-

 

Justin: I’m going to take my boxers off

Raf: Can I picture you doing that?

Justin: Yes

 

_God, yes._

Justin took a handful of fabric and pulled, and he kicked his boxers off and put his hand on his cock, and he smoothed the slick of precum all around the head…

 

Raf: Are you touching yourself?

Justin: Yes

Raf: Can I?

Justin: Yes

 

Justin started stroking himself, staring at the screen, imagining that Raf was doing the same-

 

Raf: Do you get wet?

Justin: I soaked through my boxers

Raf: Fuck

Raf: That’s so hot

Raf: My hand is soaked, too

 

Justin arched against his hand-

 

Justin: Fast or slow?

Raf: Usually slow, but I don’t think I can wait

 

He moved up and down the shaft in several long strokes, and then gripped the base and pumped-

 

Raf: You?

Justin: Faster

Raf: Fuck

Raf: Yes

 

He felt white-hot pressure growing in his belly, and his cock was slick and aching from the tip to the base, and he wanted to throw his head back and moan, but he was staring at the screen-

 

Justin: Close

Raf: So fucking close feels so fucking good

Justin: Oh

Justin: Fuck

Raf: Fuck fuck fuck

 

…and he bucked his hips and fucked into his hand – “ _Ah hah AH” –_ and he kept his eyes locked on Raf’s last message while he came all over his sheets, his hips jerking, his hand clasped tight around his shaft as he shot again and again. And then he flattened himself against the mattress, and breathed deeply, and waited for his vision to settle so he could type back to Raf.

 

Justin: Holy shit

Raf: Finished?

Justin: Yes

Raf: Me too

Raf: Good?

Justin: So fucking good

Raf: Soooo fucking good

Raf: Thank you, I was getting nothing done over here

Justin: That’s how I felt yesterday

Raf: Yeah? What did you do?

Justin: This, except by myself

Raf: You touched yourself, thinking about me?

Justin: Yes

 

Justin held his breath. A few seconds ticked by before Raf responded.

 

 

Raf: Just so you know, I don’t do this with random people

Raf: I like you, so much

 

Justin turned onto his side and held the phone closer to his face. The question had crossed his mind, and he was relieved by Raf’s answer, and by the fact that he hadn’t had to ask.

 

Justin: I like you so much, too

Justin: And I’ve never done this with anyone

Raf: Never?

Justin: I’ve talked, but never actually touched at the same time

Raf: Wow

Raf: I’m really honored

 

Justin glanced at the time, and realized he would have to skip the gym if he wanted to get to Raf’s for dinner on time. He didn’t mind; he didn’t feel like he needed it, now.

 

Justin: You still want me to come, later?

Raf: Of course!

Justin: Ok

Justin: I need to get some more work done first

Raf: Me too

Raf: I can’t wait to see you, though

 

Justin stared at the message. _I can’t wait to see you._ He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had said those words to him.

 

Justin: I’m really glad you asked me to come

Raf: Side note… I need to wash my sheets

 

Justin laughed.

 

Justin: Me too

Raf: See you later :)

 

Justin laid there for another minute before he got up, enjoying the lazy, tingling feeling in his limbs, and the occasional hints of orgasm aftershock in his groin and his spine. It felt incredible – that was the best orgasm he’d ever had, by far – and Raf hadn’t even actually _been_ there. What would sex feel like, if a solo handjob could feel like _that?_

Some part of his mind knew that he was getting ahead of himself – he’d never even been fully naked with someone in a sexual context, had never orgasmed with or in front of another person – but he couldn’t find the will to care. He stripped his bed happily, threw his sheets in the washing machine, replaced them with a clean set, and got back to work, counting down the minutes until he could get in his car and drive in Raf’s direction.

 

* * *

 

 

He knocked on Raf’s door at exactly 6 PM, wearing a backpack and holding a drink tray. Raf opened the door right away, and his smile took up most of his face, and he took the drink tray from Justin and let him inside.

“Café Vida?!”

Justin nodded. “You know it?”

“I love that place!”

“I remember you said you like sweet drinks. I just got the sweetest thing on the menu.”

Raf looked like he might cry with happiness. He took a sip of his drink, made a blissful expression, and then put the drink tray down on the coffee table, and pulled Justin into a hug.

“Thank you.”

“It was the least I could do. I’ll still have to owe you one, for dinner.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Raf kissed his cheek, then started back toward the kitchen. “Get comfortable. I just have to watch a couple things on the stove.”

Justin set his backpack down next to the couch and brought the drink tray into the kitchen. He took a sip of his own drink – it was much greener than Raf’s – and then tried to observe what Raf was doing without crowding him.

“Can I help?”

“Absolutely not.” Raf was stirring some kind of red sauce in a large pan on the stove.

“That smells _so good,_ ” Justin told him. “And kind of familiar. What is it?”

“Enchilada sauce. The real kind.”

“Oh my God. I _love_ enchiladas.”

“Really? Have you ever had homemade sauce before?”

“No, I haven’t.”

Raf pulled a spoon out of a nearby drawer, dipped it in the sauce, and handed it to Justin. He watched expectantly while Justin put the spoon in his mouth.

“Holy _shit_.” Justin licked the rest of the sauce off the spoon. “Wow. I’m impressed. How did you learn to do this?”

“My mom. She used to make me help her. I didn’t really appreciate it until I moved out.”

Justin nodded. “Tell her I said thanks.”

Raf’s smile faded, and Justin put a hand on his arm.

“Sorry… did I say something wrong?”

“Oh- no- not at all. It’s just… I don’t talk to her that much. I wish I did, but… well, I told you before. My parents don’t know I’m gay. I don’t want to keep it from them, but they’re not going to take it well.”

Justin was familiar with the look of sad resignation on Raf’s face. His own parents weren’t overly familiar with the concept of tolerance, either.

“Maybe they’ll surprise you.”

“Maybe.” Raf gave his head a small shake, and his smile was there again, like it had never left. “This should be ready soon, if you want to sit.

“I’d rather do the dishes,” Justin said sincerely.

“If you must,” Raf teased, before turning back to the stove.

They ate together at the small kitchen table, which was an entirely new experience for Justin. On the rare occasion that he shared a meal with a friend or a group, they ate at a restaurant, or on someone’s couch, or outside on a patio. This felt strangely formal, and a little intimate, and Justin loved it. It matched well with the rest of the new feelings and experiences he’d accumulated over the last couple of days.

Raf chattered about the recipe, and the time he and his brother had set the stove on fire at his brother’s first apartment, and the food his great-grandmother would make when he used to visit her in Mexico. And Justin tried to reconcile this version of Raf – so kind, and sweet, and humble – with the person who had texted him sexually-charged profanity earlier in the day.

He hadn’t been concerned about being in Raf’s presence again. He knew Raf was every bit as sweet and genuine as he seemed to be, and he trusted him not to push. Actually, he found himself wishing Raf would push a little more, though he wasn’t sure how much, and he knew that was a problem. Sexting had been a safe way for both of them to push some boundaries, and if he and Raf had been apart, he would have been dying to try it again.

But they weren’t. They were together. And they hadn’t specified the rules of engagement.

So when all the food was gone, and all the dishes were clean, and Raf was sitting next to him on the couch, suggesting video games they could play, Justin took the controller out of his hands, and kissed him.

And Raf responded right away – he put one hand on Justin’s chest, and one hand on his waist – and they kissed each other slowly, and Justin felt a flutter in his chest at every movement of Raf’s mouth. And then suddenly it wasn’t enough, anymore, and Justin tightened his arms around Raf’s back, and felt Raf’s tongue in his mouth, and he found Raf’s hips and _squeezed-_

And then Raf was in his lap, straddling him - kissing him - and his face was on fire, and his stomach was a hard knot, and he had his hands under Raf’s shirt, and _Oh, God,_ he felt so good-

And then Raf’s mouth was on his neck, and he heard his own voice make a sound he’d never made before, and he was aching and pulsing and throbbing, and Raf was rolling his hips against him-

_Oh, no-_

He was dizzy, and tense, and out of control, and-

_No no no no-_

_“Stop- Raf- Stop-_ ”

_“What? What happened?”_

_“I have to get up-_ ”

 _“What-?_ ”

 _“I have to get up, I have to get up-_ ”

Raf scrambled off of him, and Justin bolted for the bathroom, and locked himself in. He unzipped his jeans and tried to kick them off, but it was no use – the cum had already seeped through his boxers – and he leaned against the sink, and hung his head, and started to cry.

_…can’t even control yourself… like he’d want you anyway… have to get out of here… never want to see you again… won’t want someone like you… never be normal… he knows, it’s over, get out get out get out…_

_“Justin?”_

Raf was knocking, and Justin was wiping at his face.

“I need a minute.” He barely recognized his own voice.

_“Please let me in.”_

Justin swallowed a sob.

“I can’t.”

Silence. Tears falling.

_“I’m going to bring you some clean clothes, okay?”_

More silence. More shame.

A quiet knock.

_“…Justin? Unlock the door? I won’t come in, I promise.”_

Justin straightened up. He found some tissues and tried to clean up his face. He unlocked the door.

It opened slowly, just a couple of inches, and Raf passed a small stack of clothes through the gap. Justin took them, and then shut the door again.

_“Justin… everything’s fine. It really is. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”_

Justin heard the words, but they felt far away. He looked at the clothes Raf had passed to him – clean, black boxers and gray gym shorts – and he cleaned himself up as best he could, and put them on. He folded his own clothes into a tidy pile, trying his best to hide the stains, and then he stared at himself in the mirror, and swallowed, and went back to the living room.

Raf was sitting on the couch with a glass of water – there was an extra one on the coffee table – but Justin found that he couldn’t look at him. He walked past him, and knelt down on the floor, and stuffed his clothes into his backpack.

“I need to get home,” he said, and he hated himself for it, because it wasn’t the truth.

“No, you don’t,” Raf said.

“I do. I need to go.”

“No. You need to stay, and go for a run with me. I’ll drive us to the park.”

Justin looked up, and found Raf staring back at him, his expression serious.

“I’m not fucking around, Justin. You are _not_ walking out on me, right now. You don’t have to talk to me. You just have to stay. Do you have sneakers in your car?”

Justin nodded.

“Give me your keys. I’ll go get them while you drink some water.”

He didn’t think. He just did as he was told. He fished his keys out of his backpack and handed them to Raf, and then he sat on the couch and sipped his water until Raf came back.

Raf put Justin’s gym bag down next to his backpack, took out his sneakers, and put them next to his feet.

“I have socks you can borrow. I just need to go change. Stay there.” He was keeping his distance, looking at Justin with concern, and Justin managed to look back at him. He still didn’t say anything, though, because his mind was full of ugly things, and he wanted to keep them away from Raf. He still thought it would be best to get in his car and put some distance between them, but if he could just keep his mouth shut, and hold it all in, maybe they would both be okay.

He finished his glass of water while Raf went to his room, and he wanted to follow him, but he didn’t.

And then Raf was back and dressed in white – his shirt hugging so close to his body – and Justin thought, _He’s beautiful_ , and it was the first kind thought he’d had since Raf had been in his lap, and it made him want to cry again, but he held himself still, like a stone.

“Put your shoes on, okay?”

He did.

 

* * *

 

 

They were both silent while Raf drove them to the park. It was after 8 PM, and Justin watched the city lights pass by and grow more sparse, and there was only one other car on the block where they parked.

“Is it safe for you to run here by yourself?” Justin asked, surprised to hear his own voice.

Raf turned off the engine. “I don’t usually come here at night.” He was looking straight ahead. “I’ll be safe if you stay with me.”

He unhooked his car key from his keyring, hooked it onto the laces of his right shoe, and got out of the car, and Justin followed him onto the sidewalk.

“I don’t run for speed,” Raf said. “I average about eight minutes a mile when I’m by myself. I know a loop that’s about two miles. You can decide when we stop.”

Justin nodded, and Raf led him onto the path, and they started to run.

Justin hadn’t run outside at night since college. Back then, he would run loops around the campus in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep, and it had been a decent coping mechanism, but he’d left the habit behind when he moved to LA and forced himself into a more consistent routine. He knew it was healthier – he took his medication at the same time every day, and he usually slept through the night – but he missed the jittery freedom of late nights and the world asleep around him.

He felt a glimmer of that freedom, now, as his feet pounded against the pavement, the air cool against his face, and he heard nothing but his footfalls, and Raf’s, and his breathing, and Raf’s breathing. And slowly, his thoughts shifted from _What’s wrong with me?_ to _He’s right there, he’s right there, he’s right there._

He repeated the phrase to himself again and again, and when the ache in his heart was almost gone, he stole a glance at Raf – his body long and straight and quick and strong – and Raf looked at him and smiled. And when they finished their first loop, Justin picked up the pace, and Raf matched him, and they flew through the night together. And when they rounded a corner toward the end of their second loop, Justin looked at Raf, and grinned, and sprinted ahead. And Raf’s laugh echoed through the trees, while they chased each other, zigzagging on the path, trading places, lungs on fire, and Justin tagged the fence at the end of the loop, and walked onto the grass.

And then he fell to his knees, and flopped onto his back, and Raf followed him, and laid down next to him – close, but not too close – and they stared up at the sky together, and Justin couldn’t tell the difference between Raf’s breathing and his own. And they couldn’t see the stars, because the city lights were too bright, but Justin knew they weren’t gone. Just hidden.

“Better?” Raf asked, once they were both quiet and still, and they looked at each other, and Justin said,

“Better.”

 

* * *

 

 

They didn’t talk again until they were back in Raf’s apartment. Raf brought Justin a glass of water from the kitchen, and waited for him to take a sip, and then said,

“I want you to stay here tonight.”

And Justin handed the glass back to him, and went to his backpack, and unzipped the front pocket, and pulled out his prescription bottle, and held it up for Raf to see.

“You were planning on staying?”

Justin took a breath. “I was hoping you’d want me to.”

Raf nodded. “I do.”

“Okay. Um… do you think I could take a shower?”

“Yeah. Come see my room first. You can pick out some clothes.”

Justin followed him down the hall and into his bedroom, and looked around. Raf’s bedspread was an explosion of color – the bed was made, but just barely – and the room was tidy, with minimal clutter. There were a couple pairs of headphones on top of his dresser, along with a digital camera, a small stack of graphic novels, and a teddy bear dressed like Captain America. There was a bookshelf full of books and comics, too, stored at random. The disorganization tugged gently at the corners of Justin’s mind, but he didn’t feel the urge to change it. This room belonged to Raf. It was perfect the way it was.

“Check the first couple drawers,” Raf said. “I know I have clean t-shirts… I think I have one more pair of shorts.”

Justin went to the dresser and opened the top drawer. Raf’s t-shirts weren’t organized, but they were neatly folded. Justin found the range of colors overwhelming.

“Pick one for me?” he asked, and Raf stood next to him and scanned through the drawer.

“You look really good in navy blue.” He handed Justin the shirt, then located a pair of shorts, and handed those over, too. “The clean towels are in the hall closet… um… there’s new soap under the sink… you can use my shampoo, and everything. Do you need anything else?”

“Uh… I don’t think so.”

“Okay. I’ll hang in the living room, just in case.”

 

* * *

 

Justin locked himself in Raf’s bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror for the second time that night. He was still flushed from running, his hair still damp with sweat, and he saw the conflict he was feeling written all over his face, and experienced a fresh wave of self-loathing, because that meant Raf had probably seen it, too. He knew he could be sullen and stubborn and withdrawn, and he was punishing Raf for something that had nothing to do with him, and he wanted to stop, but he didn’t know how.

He turned on the shower and got under the water – it was cool, and that suited him fine – and he thought about what had happened earlier in the night. He had never been kissed the way Raf kissed him. It was hard and sweet and frenzied, all at once, and Justin could tell that Raf wanted more from him, and he had wanted more, too. And having Raf in his lap, kissing him over and over… he thought it had probably been the single most exciting moment of his life.

And he had ruined it. Of course, he had. They hadn’t even taken their clothes off, and he had come all over himself like some freak – some loser – like the aberration he had always known himself to be. His face felt hot, despite the cool water, and he scrubbed Raf’s shampoo into his hair too hard, his fingernails scraping.

He tried to force his breathing into a more stable pattern. The shampoo smelled good, like fruit still attached to a vine. It smelled like Raf. And Justin cried a bit more, because he never wanted Raf to touch him again, except that yes, he did – it was all he wanted in the world – and he couldn’t figure out how both of those things could be true at the same time.

He stayed in the shower until he was calm, and then he towel-dried his hair, and put on Raf’s clothes, and went back to the living room. Raf had been sitting cross-legged on the couch, but he stood up as Justin approached him.

“You look good in my clothes.”

Justin looked down at his chest, pinching at the fabric of the shirt.

“Really? It seems a little small.

Raf nodded, his gaze traveling.

“Yeah. It is. It’s… good.” He looked back at Justin’s face, and handed him a hardcover book: an anthology of Deadpool comics.

“I’ll be quick in the shower. You can wait for me here, or in the bedroom.”

He walked away without waiting for Justin to respond, which was a relief, because it wasn’t an easy choice, and Justin agonized over it for a full two minutes before he walked down the hall to Raf’s room. He spent a minute looking more closely at the books on Raf’s shelf, and then sat down cross-legged on his bed, and flipped through the volume Raf had chosen. But he wasn’t really paying attention. He was listening for Raf’s footfalls.

And a few minutes later, Raf was there, wearing nothing but bright red, close-fitting boxers. Justin stared – he couldn’t stop himself, didn’t want to – his eyes traveling down the long lines of Raf’s torso, stopping where his waist disappeared into the red fabric-

“Hey,” Raf said, scrubbing a towel through his hair. He pulled a white t-shirt out of his drawer and put it on, and then he hung the towel on a hook on the back of his door. He approached the bed, and sat down cross-legged across from Justin.

“Hey,” Justin said, trying his best to look less distraught than his reflection had a few minutes ago.

“So… I’m not going to try to make you talk,” Raf said. “But I was hoping you might listen to me for a minute.”

Justin nodded. “Okay.”

Raf smiled.

“Good. Because… Justin, I’m getting the feeling that you might not know this… but what happened to you earlier is _completely_ normal. It’s happened to pretty much every guy I know, at some point. It’s happened to me, more than once.”

“When you were twelve, I bet,” Justin said, hating his sullen tone.

“No. When I was in college, when I first realized I was gay… and a lot more recently than that, too.”

Justin frowned, confused. “You… that happened to you? As an adult?”

“Yeah. And it could very well happen to me again, if we keep… seeing each other. It might’ve tonight, if we’d kept going. I was right there with you.”

Justin’s expression remained skeptical, and Raf said, “I’m not lying. I wouldn’t lie just to make you feel better. I’m trying to make you feel better because there’s _nothing_ to be worried about. I… I liked it. It was hot. I was _trying_ to turn you on. That’s, like, the entire point of all this, for me. Making you feel good.”

Justin took this in.

“I did. I did feel good.”

“Okay. That’s good. I wasn’t sure… I mean, I know, sometimes, with antidepressants…”

“Oh.” Justin nodded. He knew what Raf was talking about. Even though his OCD symptoms were relatively mild, it had taken years to find an ideal prescription and dosage, and he suspected that a couple of the medications he’d taken as a teenager had affected his sex drive, since he’d never developed much of an interest in masturbation. He’d had his first orgasm as a senior in high school, after years of counseling and a low dosage of a more suitable medication, though even then, he had experienced arousal as a random physiological occurrence rather than a response to people he knew, or characters in books or movies or TV shows. He had always attributed this to his conservative upbringing, though now he knew it was more complicated than that.

“When I was younger,” he said, “I tried a bunch of different meds, and… yeah. There were a lot of side effects. I was doing a lot better by my senior year of high school, but this is the first time… I mean, I’ve never felt like this.”

“Like… attracted? Aroused?”

“Yes. And… yes.”

“Wow.” Raf ran a hand through his hair. “But it feels okay? Between us?”

“Yes.”

Raf nodded. “Listen… I get that you felt embarrassed. Getting physical can be messy. But you didn’t even give me a chance to react. Just… don’t assume that you know how I’ll feel about something, okay? Let me tell you myself.”

Justin swallowed. “Okay. Tell me.”

Raf smiled, and it was so warm and kind, and he said, “You’re incredible, and I like you so much, and if you’d given me the chance I would’ve licked you clean and gone straight for round two.” He made a face. “Okay… that was more graphic than I meant to be. I was trying to be sweet.”

“You are,” Justin said, his heart in his throat. “You’re the sweetest person I know.”

Raf looked away, blushing, still smiling, and then he held out his hand, and Justin took it.

“So… can we get back to the good stuff?” Raf asked. “Will you sleep here with me tonight? Just kissing and sleeping, I promise.”

“Yeah.”

Justin wanted to tell him what it all meant to him – to be liked, and accepted, and cared for in a moment of such weakness – but he didn’t know how, so he leaned forward and kissed Raf’s lips, and it felt like coming home. And Raf kissed him back, and pressed him backward onto a pillow, and then covered them both with the blankets. And then they kissed each other some more, their fingers intertwined at first, and then their arms around each other, and Justin was hard again, but he knew it would be all right, because Raf was still here – Raf still wanted him – and he fell asleep a long while later holding Raf tight against his chest, like he was the most precious thing he’d ever touched.


	4. Chapter 4

Justin woke up with Raf’s head under his chin – Raf’s back against his chest – and he breathed in and out, and kissed the back of his head. Raf had kept his promise – they were both still fully clothed – and even though Justin was relieved that the remainder of the night had gone blissfully well, he couldn’t help feeling disappointed that things hadn’t progressed further, and guilty that it was his fault. But having Raf’s body pressed against him like this was a welcome compromise, and he moved his hand from Raf’s chest to his hip, and Raf stirred, and reached back to hold onto Justin’s upper thigh. And then Raf _pressed_ backward against him, and they each made a small noise, and then Raf did it again, and _again_ -

And then he rolled over, and kissed Justin’s forehead.

_“I’m sorry. I got carried away.”_

And Justin was aching for him, but he was in control, and he kissed Raf’s lips, and hugged him.

_“Don’t be sorry. You feel so good.”_

_“I’m so glad you stayed.”_

_“Me, too.”_

They kissed each other slowly, and Justin didn’t care that his hair was a mess, or that they both had morning breath. He never wanted this moment to end, because he had never spent the night in someone else’s bed before, and he was starting to believe – to hope – that it was because he had been waiting for Raf.

“Justin…”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry, this is amazing, but… I’m trying really hard to go slow.”

Justin had been kissing his neck, and holding his hand against Raf’s ribcage, under his shirt. He pulled his hand away, and Raf took it, and held it, close to his face.

“I know I said… I mean, I know I talked about… doing things with you, last night,” Raf continued. “And I really want to do those things, and a bunch of other stuff, but not unless… I mean, not until you figure out how you really feel. About everything. I think I would be really sad if we crossed that line, and it turned out to be the wrong choice for you. I just needed to tell you that.”

Justin nodded, swallowing against a lump in his throat at the thought of wounding Raf like that. He wouldn’t, he _couldn’t_ … could he? Suddenly, the thoughts and questions and admissions he’d been avoiding moved a little closer to the surface of his mind, and he knew why Raf was concerned, and he knew that it was justified, and he had no idea how to explain any of it, so he said, “I understand.”

“So… I thought we should just stick with kissing and sleeping, for now. And breakfast. What do you think?”

And Justin was devastated, and happier than he’d ever been, and he said, “I think I want to make you breakfast, if you’ll let me,”

And Raf said, “I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Did you know there were peanut butter cups up here?”

Justin had been digging around in the cabinet above Raf’s fridge, looking for a serving dish, and the orange bag of candy had almost fallen on his face.

Raf clamped his hand over Justin’s mouth and shook his head. _“Shh. Secret peanut butter cups.”_

Justin giggled, and then Raf giggled, too, and let him go.

“Secret from who?”

“Secret from me! I hide them from myself so I don’t eat them all.” Raf was already unwrapping a peanut butter cup and popping it into his mouth. Justin was laughing.

“How’s that working out for you?”

“It was working just fine until you showed up! I’m not used to people poking around in my kitchen.”

“No? Guys aren’t falling all over themselves to make you breakfast?”

Justin had been joking, but Raf’s expression grew serious.

“There are no ‘guys.’ And no one’s made me breakfast since I moved out of my parents’ house.”

Justin stared back at him, and then nodded, and said, “Sit. It’s ready.”

He was proud of the breakfast stir fry he managed to put together with the ingredients he found in Raf’s kitchen, and even prouder when Raf rolled his eyes with pleasure after taking a bite. Justin could handle himself in the kitchen – staying in shape and eating well helped him keep his mood stable – but he’d still been nervous to cook for Raf.

“Raf?”

“Huh?”

Raf was still shoveling food into his mouth, but Justin was just stabbing at his plate with his fork.

“I’ve never made breakfast for anyone, before.”

Raf swallowed, and smiled. “It’s a ‘first’ for both of us, then. I get the sense that we’ve been crossing a few of those off your list.”

Justin nodded.

“How do you feel about that?”

Justin looked down at his plate. He was getting used to the fact that Raf was very direct, but thus far Raf hadn’t actually questioned him about what was happening between the two of them. Justin wanted to be honest, but his feelings were so complicated, he couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Not ready to talk about it?” Raf prompted, bailing him out.

“It’s… complicated.”

“I know. I remember.” Raf chewed and swallowed another bite. “Do you have anyone else you can talk to? You know I’m here for you, but I think I’m probably a little too… close… to everything.”

“I’ve talked to Jack about some things,” Justin said. “But I think he has a lot on his plate right now.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you texted him, or something.”

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.” Raf finished his plate, and then checked the time on his phone. “Shit. I need to start getting dressed.”

Justin looked confused.

 _“Shit_ , I forgot to tell you, with everything else going on- I have to work today and tomorrow. Like, I have to go meet with my team from the web series.”

“Oh. Okay. No problem.” Justin felt disappointment like a weight in his chest.

“We might run late tonight, I’m not sure. But… can I see you after, anyway?”

Justin nodded, feeling a little bit lighter. “Yeah. Anytime. I don’t care how late.”

“And if I get enough done tomorrow, I can be yours for the rest of the weekend.”

The weight disappeared. _Mine._

“Have you ever been surfing?” Justin asked.

“Oh God, once, I was a disaster,” Raf laughed.

“I’m terrible, too. We should go. Saturday?”

Raf grinned. “It’s a date. Or… it’s a… thing.”

Justin smiled. “It’s a date.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Justin looked down at his hands. “Hey… thanks for last night, by the way.”

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

Raf stood up, and leaned over him, and kissed his forehead.

“Can I text you later?”

Justin rested his head against Raf’s stomach.

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin’s apartment felt strangely empty when he stepped inside it. He walked to the kitchen to get a protein shake, his footsteps echoing weirdly off of the bare white walls. He’d never noticed that, before. He tapped into his phone and set some white noise to play through the speakers in the living room and the bedroom, and the background noise made him feel a little more at ease.

He emptied his backpack and put his stained clothes from the night before in the wash. Just looking at them made him cringe – not because of the way his body had betrayed him, but because of the way he’d reacted. He’d made a monumental fool of himself over something that Raf said wasn’t even a big deal. And even if Raf was exaggerating just to be supportive, what did it matter? Justin didn’t care about what the world at large thought, right now. He cared about what _Raf_ thought. And Raf had said that it was normal, sexy even. And on top of that, Raf had dealt beautifully with his major meltdown. Justin wasn’t used to that. He was used to holding people at arm’s length, or pushing them away, and learning to be fine when they _stayed_ away. He had tried to push Raf away, last night, and Raf hadn’t let him. Justin had never had anyone in his life who cared enough to push back.

He went to his room, stashed his medication back in his drawer, and then sat at his desk and checked his phone.

 

Gabe: Hey man, where you been? You still coming to practice tonight?

 

 _Shit._ It was Thursday. Justin had soccer practice at 5:00, and he had completely forgotten. He had ignored some messages from a couple of teammates over the last few days, partly because he’d been so distracted, and partly because he had no idea how to explain what had been going on in his personal life.

 

Justin: Sorry man, I had a lot going on this week. I’ll be there.

Gabe: Can we count you in for dinner after?

Justin: Yeah, I can do that.

 

He wished he could say no, but he had no good excuse, since Raf was busy anyway. He liked Gabe well enough, along with a couple of the other guys he played with, but some of his teammates made him uncomfortable, and they all had a tendency to hang out in a horde, rather than splitting off into smaller groups. Justin knew he was part of the problem, though, since he never found the confidence to ask the guys he actually liked to do something separate from the group.

 

Gabe: I think we’ll probably win tomorrow night, I heard the team we’re playing got crushed last Friday

 

 _Right. Tomorrow._ It was their last game of the season. Justin wished fleetingly that the season was already over – he would much rather be spending time with Raf – but he knew he couldn’t bail on his teammates, now.

He tapped on another text notification, and found a message from Raf.

 

Raf: I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you I was working. I hope you know I wouldn’t blow you off. You’re just very, very distracting.

Justin: Don’t apologize. You’ve been distracting for me, too. I forgot I have practice tonight, and a game tomorrow night.

Raf: Really? What time is the game?

Justin: 6:30

Raf: Ok. Maybe I can still see you after?

Justin: Or you could come, if you want

 

Justin typed it without thinking. Obviously, he wanted Raf to come see him play.

 

Raf: Really? That wouldn’t be too weird for you? What would you tell people if they asked?

 

He thought about it. He wanted Raf to be in his life; that was a certainty. Some part of him knew that it would be more complicated than simply introducing him to his other friends, but he wasn’t ready to think it through, yet.

 

Justin: I would tell them we’re friends

Raf: Ok. True enough. Would it be ok if I brought someone? It might be less weird for me that way

Justin: Who would you bring?

Raf: I could ask Melissa, you know her right?

Justin: Oh yeah, she’s cool

Justin: What would you tell her?

Raf: I’d tell her we’re friends

 

Justin frowned. The response bothered him, coming from Raf. Except that he had just said it himself, a minute ago.

 

Raf: That’s what we are, right?

Justin: Right

 

Raf didn’t respond right away, and Justin grew increasingly more unsettled. He knew something was wrong with this conversation, and he guessed that Raf did, too, but he couldn’t think of anything to say that would make it better.

 

Raf: I’m sorry, I have to get back

Raf: See you tonight?

Justin: Definitely

 

Justin stared at the screen, hoping Raf would follow up with something more friendly or flirtatious, but he didn’t. And the longer he stared, the more unsettled he became. He scrolled back through the brief exchange and tried to figure out what he could have done differently.

They _were_ friends. Justin knew they were. So why did it sound like a lie?

He knew he could be a good friend to Raf. He had proven that to himself on Monday night, at the hospital. He knew he could listen if Raf needed to talk. He knew he could hold Raf if he needed to cry. He could learn Raf’s favorite foods and drinks, and bring them to him. They could play video games together, and watch movies together. Those were all things friends did. It had been a long time since Justin had tried to be a real friend to someone, but he knew he could do it, for Raf.

And that would have to be enough. Because what could he possibly offer Raf, beyond friendship? He thought about it, taking inventory of everything he knew so far. He knew Raf liked it when they kissed each other, and when Justin touched him under his shirt. He knew that Raf had gotten hard when they had been pressed together on the couch, and he guessed that it had happened again, last night, in bed. But what was supposed to come next?

_…if you’d given me the chance I would’ve licked you clean._

Justin knew what that meant. He’d been listening to other guys talk about blow jobs for half of his life. And when Raf had said it, he’d been fascinated and aroused at the thought. And it hadn’t really surprised him, because he knew Raf had at least a little bit more experience with intimacy than he did. But how could he let Raf do something like that for him? Raf wanted to do that because he was gay, but Justin could never return the favor, Justin wasn’t-

_Fuck._

He’d been sitting at his desk, but he was standing up, now, his hands balled into fists. He didn’t want to think about this. He didn’t want to hear these words in his head.

Images scrolled across his mind, unbidden: Raf’s mouth - hot and wet - on his neck, except it wasn’t his neck anymore, it was his chest, and then his stomach, and then his cock-

_I’m not-_

…Raf wearing nothing but boxers, his hair wet from the shower-

_I can’t be-_

…Raf’s cock in his mouth-

_I can’t be gay- I can’t be gay-_

…Raf in his arms, moaning his name-

_I can’t be. I’m nothing. I’m nothing._

He walked over to his bed, slid underneath the comforter, and laid down, face down. He grabbed a pillow and held it with both hands against the back of his head, pressing his face down against the mattress, fighting panic with pressure, his heartbeat pounding and pounding until he heard his own voice drowning it out, because he was sobbing. And the pain poured out of him, and honest words burned inside of him, and he groped for his phone, and typed out a message-

 

Justin: We’re more than just friends

Justin: I’m sorry

Justin: I’ll miss you all day

 

And he waited, and waited, and waited, and his cheeks were still wet when the screen lit up again-

 

Raf: I missed you as soon as you left, this morning

 

And he let himself breathe, and he let himself hope, and he closed his eyes, and let himself sleep.

 

* * *

 

He felt marginally better when he woke up an hour later. He hadn’t lost Raf yet, and he was seeing him tonight. There was still a chance that things could work out, somehow. Maybe they could just keep kissing and sleeping for a while. Maybe that would give Justin enough time to figure out what he was doing.

He managed to get a decent amount of work done before it was time to leave for soccer practice, but when it came time to change, he found himself stalling. He stared at himself in the mirror that hung on the outside of his closet door, looking at the navy-blue shirt that Raf had picked out for him, not wanting to take it off. It fit more snugly than he usually wore his shirts, and it was the wrong material for exercise, but the shorts fit him perfectly, and were similar to the ones he usually wore.

 

Justin: Is it ok if I wear your shorts to practice?

Raf: Out of clean laundry?

Justin: No, I just don’t want to take them off

Raf: I’d like it if you kept them on

Raf: And I liked watching you run last night

Raf: I wish I could watch you practice

Justin: Maybe next season

 

He typed it without thinking, and then tensed. That was months from now. It would be cruel to say something like that to Raf, if he didn’t mean it.

But he did.

 

Raf: When is that?

Justin: April

Raf: Should I put it in my calendar?

Justin: Yes

 

A few seconds later, Justin received an e-mail notification. He tapped on it, and found a calendar invitation for April 6, 2017, for an event titled ‘JE Soccer Practice.’” It was from Raf. He hit ‘accept.’

 

Raf: Six months from now, huh?

Justin: Yup, see you then

Raf: Have fun at practice

Raf: Run fast, kick balls, etc

 

Justin sat down on his bed, smiling. He left five minutes later than he’d intended to.

He drove across town to the athletic fields where his team usually met, hoping that no one would make a fuss that he was running late, but he was disappointed on that front. Doug, one of the captains and Justin’s least favorite teammate, was typically belligerent as Justin jogged up to the group, who were already scrimmaging against each other.

“What the fuck, Edwards? I messaged everyone about this practice days ago.”

Gabe jogged up to Justin and clapped him on the back in greeting.

“Doug, you’ve been five minutes late on three separate occasions this season,” he pointed out. He was the other captain, and Justin’s favorite teammate by far. “Justin’s _never_ been late. Give it a fucking rest.”

“It’s the last practice of the season. It’s important,” Doug shot back, making a grab for the last word, as usual, but Gabe just rolled his eyes. He was about Justin’s height - a couple inches taller than Doug - and he was one of the few people on the team who didn’t seem intimidated by Doug’s overstated arrogance.

“Forget it, man, no one gives a shit,” he said to Justin, more quietly, and Justin was both grateful and embarrassed. Gabe usually came to his defense if Doug decided to give him a hard time, and he appreciated it, but he didn’t like feeling like someone who needed to be defended. He always thought of the perfect, scathing response minutes or hours after the fact, but in the moment, Doug’s confidence intimidated him, and he usually let the comments slide.

Also, it was typical that the more Gabe called him out, the more belligerent Doug became, and the more everyone else suffered for it. Tonight was no exception. Doug channeled his resentment into the scrimmage they were running, playing much more roughly than was necessary, and Justin thought he saw him make a grab for Gabe’s arm at one point. Doug and Gabe were playing offense against each other – Justin usually played defense – and though it took a few tries, Doug eventually broke through the front lines of Justin’s team and ran full force in his direction. This had happened before – Doug had a habit of asserting his dominance by challenging individual players instead of heading straight for the goal – and Justin was ready. He sprinted toward Doug, relying on his superior agility, looking for an opening to kick the ball away… and Doug deliberately barreled right into him, knocking him down. Justin fell hard on one side, scraping his forearm and his thigh. He rolled into a sitting position and surveyed the damage, relieved to find that it seemed superficial, but annoyed to find that his shorts – _Raf’s_ shorts – were stained from his collision with the ground.

Doug stood over him, smirking, and extended his hand. Justin didn’t take it.

“If you play like that tomorrow, we’ll get disqualified,” he said bitingly, and Doug laughed.

“Relax. It was an accident.”

Gabe was there, offering his hand to Justin, and Justin took it.

“One more ‘accident’ like that, and you’re out,” Gabe said, and the other guys in the immediate vicinity nodded their agreement, except for one.

“Gabe,” Patrick said. “Take it easy.” Patrick tolerated Doug best out of everyone on the team – they were friends outside of the league – and he knew what everyone else knew: Doug was their highest scoring player, and they’d probably lose their final game without him. Gabe ignored him, though.

“I mean it, Doug,” he said. “I don’t think you’d like the outcome if I took a vote. Take it down a notch.”

Doug scowled and opened his mouth to respond, but Gabe talked over him, addressing the team at large this time.

“Let’s do some drills. Pick a net and line up.”

Doug deflated a bit as his audience dispersed. He followed Patrick to the opposite end of the field, and Gabe took the opportunity to examine the scrapes on Justin’s arm and thigh. The practice fields weren’t in the greatest shape, and Justin had gone down hard on a patch of rough soil and sparse grass.

“Want to go clean those out?”

“Nah. I’m good. It can wait.”

“God, that guy is the worst,” Gabe said. “I was thinking of asking a few of the other guys to sign up together next season, so we don’t get matched with him again. You in?”

“Absolutely,” Justin said, relieved. Doug could be arrogant and nasty, but he could be charming and entertaining, too – at least, some of Justin’s teammates seemed to think so, which often left Justin feeling confused and unsettled. He was happy that he wasn’t the only one who wanted to leave Doug behind once the season was over.

The rest of the practice passed without incident, though Justin had a feeling Doug would be looking for more opportunities to harass him, and he was trying to prepare himself, so Gabe wouldn’t have to come to his defense again. They all decided to walk to a nearby pub for dinner so the people who had driven there could leave their cars at the field, and Justin hung toward the back of the group with Gabe, Christopher, and Antonio, the three people he liked best on the team.

“I actually bought a ring, this week,” Gabe was saying. “I’m going to ask her when we go see her family for Thanksgiving.” He was talking about his girlfriend Sophia, who was evidently about to become his fiancée.

“Seriously?” Antonio asked. “How long have you been dating?”

“Coming up on nine months,” Gabe said.

“You don’t think that’s a little fast?” Antonio said.

“Nope, she’s the _one_ ,” Gabe said, a goofy smile on his face.

“How do you know?” Justin asked, and all three of his friends stared at him, and he felt himself start to blush a bit. He was usually more of an observer than a participant when it came to socializing, even with people he liked.

Gabe recovered quickly, and said, “We started planning this trip overseas for December, and we were talking about it a lot, and there was a point where I realized I was making all these plans for the future, and all of them were with her… I just can’t ever picture being without her. I think I was really complacent, before I met her, and… I don’t know. She brings out the best in me, I guess.”

Justin wondered whether this was true – whether Gabe had undergone a noticeable change, because of Sophia – but he had no way of knowing, since he had only known Gabe since August.

“She is really cool,” Christopher said. “I wish I had a girlfriend who liked motorcycles.”

“I wish I had a girlfriend, _period_ ,” Antonio said, and Christopher nodded.

“Same.”

They looked at Justin again, waiting for him to add on to the conversation.

“I…I think it’s really cool, that you found someone you love,” he said to Gabe, and Gabe beamed at him.

“Thanks, man.”

They arrived at the pub and crowded around a row of high-top tables. Gabe went up to the bar to order a round of appetizers and a couple pitchers of beer for the group, and Justin grabbed a stool between Christopher and Antonio, and listened to them talk about Antonio’s most recent adventure with online dating.

“I’m supposed to go out with Amelia again on Sunday,” he was saying.

“Sunday?” Christopher said. “Not Saturday night?”

“…No. Why?”

Christopher made a face. “Saturday night is when you hook up. Sunday is when you get lunch with your friends and tell them about it.”

“But… this is our third date,” Antonio said.

“Sorry, dude, but… ‘date’ might be a bit of an overstatement.”

Antonio groaned and put his face in his hands. Justin had learned a lot from watching him fail spectacularly at online dating over the course of the season. He guessed that Antonio’s height had something to do with it – he was shorter than average, about 5’5” – and Justin felt badly for him. He thought Antonio was a really nice guy.

“Don’t give up,” he told him. “Wait until she tells you how she feels. Some people like to move slow.”

“Oh yeah?” Antonio said, perking up. “Who are these ‘people’ you’re describing? Anyone we should know about?”

They had periodically interrogated Justin about his dating life, and it had been much easier to deflect their questions when there hadn’t been anything to tell. Now that there was, Justin found himself scrambling for something to say.

“I… uhm…” He felt himself go red in the face, while Christopher and Antonio started to smirk.

“What are we talking about?” Gabe asked, rejoining the group with a pitcher of beer and some glasses.

“Justin’s got a girlfriend,” Antonio said.

“No shit! That’s great!” Gabe said, flashing Justin a smile.

“No… I don’t,” Justin clarified. “Really, I don’t. It’s just…” He looked at them. They were nice guys, and they were his friends, and they genuinely wanted to know. “Have you ever met someone, or dated someone, and thought that your family or your friends wouldn’t approve?”

Christopher nodded immediately. “Yeah. Carly.”

Gabe and Antonio groaned and rolled their eyes.

“What?! He asked!” Christopher pointed out.

“What did I miss?” Justin asked.

“We had to hear about Carly for three solid months, last season,” Gabe explained.

“Ex-girlfriend?” Justin asked Christopher.

“Yeah. I still miss her. She was perfect.”

Justin was intrigued. “What happened?”

“So… I met her at Comic-Con last summer,” he explained. “We had some mutual friends. And she was _so cool_. She’s the funniest girl I’ve ever met. And she loves video games, we used to play Halo together and everything. But… she wasn’t, like, tiny and skinny and blonde, or whatever. My friends gave me so much shit for it, but I didn’t care.”

“Then why did you break up?”

Christopher shrugged. “She thought my friends were assholes. She was right, too. I don’t really hang around with those guys anymore.”

“I still say you should just call her again, man,” Antonio said. “Plenty of time has gone by.”

“Yeah, and she’s with someone else, now,” Christopher said, looking miserable. “I can’t mess with that. Maybe if they break up, but… who knows if they ever will.”

“Did you tell her how you really felt?” Justin asked. “Before she broke up with you, I mean?”

“I probably could have done a better job of that,” Christopher admitted.

“Why are you so curious, all of a sudden?” Antonio asked Justin. “Are you worried your friends won’t like your… girl-person?”

“Uh… something like that,” Justin said.

“Dude, if you met someone who makes you happy, you shouldn’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks,” Christopher said. “Believe me.”

Justin nodded, wondering if Christopher would really feel that way if he showed up in this pub holding hands with Raf.

Their appetizers finally arrived. Christopher told Justin a little more about Carly (Gabe and Antonio tried their best to be patient), and then Antonio went over his first two dates with Amelia in painstaking detail. Justin continued to offer words of encouragement, but he was just as skeptical as Christopher; it sounded like Amelia just wanted to be friends, and was trying to figure out how to let him down easy.

“Finally getting some ass, Toneroni?” Doug had appeared and slung his arm around Antonio’s shoulders. He was the king of obnoxious nicknames, among other obnoxious things, and a couple guys at the next table snickered. “Did you borrow your mom’s high heels?”

“I stole some from your closet, actually,” Antonio said, shrugging Doug’s arm away from his shoulders. Doug laughed and clapped him on the back.

“That’s my guy. So what’s her deal? You got pictures?”

“Nah, man.”

“Why not? You still jacking off to magazines or what?” Doug didn’t wait for a response; he pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped at the screen. “Seriously, check out the tits on this girl I banged last night.” He held the phone in front of Antonio’s face, and Antonio grimaced.

“Jesus, dude, does she know you took that picture?”

Doug shrugged. “She came home with me. She knew what she was getting into. Smoking hot, though, right?”

“Whatever,” Antonio mumbled.

Doug scowled at him, and leaned on Justin’s shoulder instead. Justin’s right hand made a tight fist under the table.

“C’mon Edwards. When’s the last time you saw an actual naked female?” He shoved the phone in Justin’s face, and Justin caught a glimpse of the photo before he averted his gaze. The girl was sleeping, or unconscious, her arms splayed at an awkward angle across cream-colored sheets.

“God, put that away, dude,” Justin said, disgusted.

“Surprise, surprise, Justin’s got an issue with naked women,” Doug said with a smug smile. “I don’t think anyone here would be surprised if you were a legitimate faggot, Edwards.”

“I’d rather be gay than be an actual sexual predator, man,” Justin said, shocked at how confident he sounded. “Do you think you’ve fucked every girl in LA yet, or are you still trying to track them all down? You might need to move to a new city soon, and trust me, no one here would miss you.”

“Holy shit! He speaks!” Doug pronounced, and the guys from the next table turned around to see what the fuss was about. “And he doesn’t even deny it! Raise your hand if you already knew Edwards was a flaming fag!”

“Seriously, Doug, fuck off,” Gabe said, standing up from his seat. “No one cares.”

“No one cares if Edwards sucks cock for fun? Seriously, bro, how much do you pay them to drop their pants for you?”

Justin stood up, too, his vision going cloudy. He and Doug were practically chest-to-chest.

“Probably less than you pay your dates not to call the cops in the morning,” he said, and everyone in the immediate vicinity laughed, including Patrick. Doug’s smug expression finally faltered, and he started to raise his right hand, but then Gabe was there, his arm rigid across Doug’s chest.

“You are _begging_ for a fist in the face, you filthy queer,” Doug spat. “Don’t think I won’t fuck you up just because you work for some nerd YouTuber-”

“Hey! Asshole! You’re outnumbered,” Gabe yelled. “Time to call it a night.”

Doug looked around and seemed to notice for the first time that no one was backing him up. He shook off Gabe’s arm, shoved past him, and walked out of the pub.

Justin took a steadying breath. He was ready to run out of there, too. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. His cheeks were burning.

And then someone’s face was in his field of vision, and he was blinking, trying to process what was being said to him.

“Dude, can I buy you a drink? I’ve been waiting all season for someone to stick it to that douchebag.”

It was Trevor, one of the guys from the next table over that Justin didn’t know very well. Some of the others were nodding their agreement, too, and a couple of the guys nudged him encouragingly in the shoulder. And then he was sitting down again, and Gabe was handing him a glass of water, and examining his face.

“You alright, man?”

Justin nodded, sipping from the glass. The water tasted metallic, but he didn’t care.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Nice going, dude,” Christopher said, eyeing Justin like he was seeing him for the first time. “I didn’t know you had that in you. I can’t stand that guy.”

“That was _awesome_ ,” Antonio said. “I wish I had thought of all that stuff. I can never think of anything to say when he gets like that.”

Justin’s mind was reeling. Why were they all congratulating him? Hadn’t they heard what Doug had said? Doug knew his secret, he _knew_ Justin was-

“Hey.” Gabe’s face was in his field of vision again. “I was going to step outside for a minute. Want to come?”

Justin nodded, his brain on autopilot, now, and he followed Gabe out onto the street.

“You really doing okay?” Gabe asked, leaning against the outside of the building, his dark hair and dark eyes even darker outside in the poorly-lit street. “No one would fault you if you wanted to take off. Doug is garbage. Everyone knows it.”

“Uhm. Yeah.” Justin checked his phone and saw that it was after 8:30. He didn’t have any messages, yet. He hoped Raf would be free, soon. “I might take off in a bit.”

“So…” Gabe gestured vaguely with his hands. “Look, I’m sorry if this is way off base, but it seemed like some of that stuff might’ve hit a little close to home, for you.”

Justin looked away from him and ran a hand through his hair. He was silent for the span of several breaths, and then he said, “Do you think everyone else…?” He didn’t finish. He had no idea what to say.

“I don’t think anyone gives a shit what Doug has to say. Except maybe Patrick, and seriously, fuck Patrick. And, regardless… I’m pretty sure more than half the team would beat Doug into the ground if he went after you for real. You have nothing to worry about.”

Justin nodded, hoping the blush in his cheeks wouldn’t show in the dim light.

“Thanks, man.”

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he pulled it out.

 

Raf: Done for the night, can I swing by your place?

 

“Uh… hey… I need to get going,” Justin told Gabe. “I have to… meet someone.”

Gabe smiled.

“’Someone’?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s awesome, man. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks. Uhm. Can I give you cash for the bill?”

“No way. We’ll cover you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Doug’s face…” Gabe looked downright wistful.

“Thanks. I’ll owe you one. You’ll say bye for me?”

“Sure thing.”

Gabe extended his hand, and Justin shook it, and then watched him walk back inside. He typed a quick response to Raf-

 

Justin: Yes, I can be there in a half hour

 

…and then walked into the darkness, toward his car.

 

* * *

 

Raf was waiting for him outside his apartment door when he stepped out of the elevator. He looked exhausted, but he smiled, and Justin found that he didn’t care that they were in a well-it, well-traveled hallway; he walked straight for Raf and pulled him into a hug, dropping his soccer bag on the floor.

 _“Hey… Justin? You okay?”_ Raf’s arms were tight around him, his chest warm and solid.

 _“I missed you,”_ Justin managed, his face buried in Raf’s hair.

Raf took a step back from him, looking concerned, and he slid his hands down Justin’s arms, and Justin winced as his fingers made contact with the scrape on his forearm.

“What-?” Raf’s eyes widened. “Oh- God- Justin, what happened?!”

“Oh- shit- it’s just a scrape. Really. I fell during practice.”

Raf looked rattled. “Can we go inside?”

“Yeah. Hang on…” Justin pulled his keys out of his pocket and opened the door. Raf picked up the bag and followed him inside, and then set it down by the wall so he could examine Justin more closely.

“Oh… your leg, too?”

He kneeled down on the ground, put his hands on either side of Justin’s thigh, and carefully pushed his shorts up, revealing the length of the scrape underneath.

“Oh, Justin… you’re hurt…”

“I… I’m sorry about your shorts. Someone knocked me down…”

Raf looked up at him, looking like he might cry, and Justin was holding his breath, because Raf’s hands were on him, so incredibly gentle, and he put his hand in Raf’s hair, and then held it against Raf’s cheek.

And then Raf pressed a kiss against his skin, just above his knee, and the strain of the night vanished, and Justin pulled Raf to his feet, and held his face in his hands, and kissed him. And Raf leaned into him, and Justin lost track of time, feeling nothing but Raf’s mouth moving against his own.

And then Raf stepped away from him, and failed to stifle a yawn, and rubbed at his eyes.

“Hey… you should get in bed,” Justin told him. “I’ll bring you some water.”

“Oh… um…” Raf looked sad again, his eyes half-lidded with exhaustion. “Listen… I was planning on sleeping at home tonight. Like… by myself.”

Justin’s stomach lurched, like he’d fallen.

“Why?”

Raf swallowed, looking away from him. “I have to be up really early…” He shook his head. “No. That’s not why. It’s because… I’m starting to get worried that you’re going to break my heart.”

Justin stared, holding himself still, his thoughts deafening, and he didn’t say anything, because he and Raf were worried about the same thing.

Raf must have seen the look on his face, because his expression softened, and he said, “I’m sorry, I’m doing a shitty job of explaining myself. I’m not upset with you, or anything. You haven’t done anything wrong. And I don’t want to stop seeing you. I just… I need to protect myself, a little bit.”

Justin wished he could argue the point, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew Raf was right. And he wanted to protect Raf, too.

“Okay. I’ll do whatever you want. But I don’t think you should drive home right now. Take my room. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Raf looked like he was close to tears, again.

“Why did you have to be so perfect?”

Justin held out his hand. “Come on. Get in bed.”

Raf took it, but he shook his head.

“I’ll take the couch. I’m dead on my feet. I could probably sleep on the kitchen floor at this point.”

Justin nodded, and led him over to the couch.

“I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.”

“Thanks.”

He went to the closet in his room and grabbed his spare blanket. He didn’t have any pillows besides the four that were on his bed, so he took one of those, and went back out to the living room.

Raf had been wearing close-fitting khakis and a purple button-up shirt, but he’d undressed down to his undershirt and boxers, and was sitting cross-legged on the couch, looking like he might fall over at any moment. Justin arranged the pillow at the far end of the couch, and then draped the blanket around his shoulders. Raf smiled and laid down on the pillow, and Justin kneeled down next to him.

 _“Thank you,”_ Raf breathed, pulling the blanket around himself.

_“Get some sleep. Come get me if you need anything.”_

_“Justin.”_ Raf’s eyes were already closed.

_“Yeah?”_

_“I missed you all day.”_

Justin kissed his forehead, then stood up and turned off the lights in the room. He went to the bathroom and took a quick shower, and then he pulled his first aid kit out from under the sink and cleaned his scrapes with alcohol. He wrapped his lower half in a towel and went back to the living room, and saw that Raf was sleeping soundly.

He stood still, aching to tell Raf what had happened to him that night, wishing he could wrap Raf’s sweetness around himself like a blanket. He was desperate to tell Raf that he was the only person in the world he wanted to see, and to hold Raf while he slept.

But he didn’t. He left Raf alone on the couch and shut his bedroom door behind him, because that was what Raf needed.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep right away, so he pulled on some clean clothes, hung up his towel, and pulled a pair of headphones out of his night stand drawer. He plugged them into his phone and scrolled for something to listen to, settling on something calming and instrumental, and he laid there, counting his breaths, wishing for things he couldn’t have.

And he was still awake at 2 AM when his bedroom door opened and closed, and Raf slid into the bed next to him. And he blinked in the dark, holding himself still until Raf said his name-

_“Justin.”_

And then he turned over, and Raf was there, half asleep, hair a mess, and so, so beautiful.

_“I thought I could make it ‘til morning.”_

_“I’m glad you didn’t.”_

_“I dreamed about you-”_

_“I couldn’t sleep-_ ”

They kissed each other, and Raf’s lips felt soft and sweet, and his body felt strong and warm. And then Raf sat up and pulled his shirt off, and then he pulled Justin’s shirt off, too. And then he turned over, and pressed his back against Justin’s chest, and it was like nothing Justin had ever felt before. He moved his mouth along Raf’s neck, and his back, and his ribs, and Raf sighed, and reached back, and pressed their bodies together. And Justin wished that the rest of their clothes would disappear, because he wanted to do what people did when they were in love – he was in love, he knew he was…

But it was impossible. He couldn’t be what Raf needed. So he squeezed his eyes shut, and he kissed Raf’s skin, and he thought, _This is enough. This has to be enough._


	5. Chapter 5

Raf’s alarm went off early, and Justin felt cold as soon as Raf rolled away from him to turn it off. But then Raf was back, forearms pressed against his chest, and Justin smiled, and smoothed at his hair.

_“Can I make you breakfast?”_

Raf shook his head.

_“I wish. I have to go soon. Can I take a shower?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Pick out some clothes for me?”_

_“Sure.”_

Raf kissed him, and it was over too fast, and then he was gone.

Justin rolled out of bed and checked the time, and saw that it was just after 5:30 AM. He knew that was early for Raf. There must be something big going on at work, but they hadn’t had time to talk about it.

He went into his closet and took a mental inventory of his clothes. He wore his pants a little looser than Raf did, though they could fit into the same size, so he pulled out two options: a pair of khakis similar to the ones Raf had worn the day before, and a pair of jeans that he thought were a little small for him, but he’d never returned. He laid them out on his bed, then grabbed a white button-up shirt and a pair of white boxers. He thought Raf looked good in everything he wore, but especially in white.

Raf was already back by the time he was laying the shirt out on the bed. He was holding a towel around his waist, and Justin tried not to stare, and failed. Raf walked up to him and pressed a slow, soft kiss against his cheek, and God, he smelled so good, Justin just barely resisted the urge to put his hands all over his body.

“Uhm. See if these fit.”

He started for the door, but Raf said, “Hey. Stay. Just… turn around for a sec.”

He did as he was told. He faced the opposite wall, and kept his eyes closed, because it was safer.

“Okay. All set.”

He turned around, and Raf was there, wearing his boxers and nothing else.

“Listen… I’m so sorry I have to run. They decided to do all these re-shoots for the first season last-minute… I’m editing in real time… it’s a mess. I wish I could stay.”

Justin shook his head. “I’m just glad you came.”

Raf was pulling on his jeans, then checking the fit in the mirror.

“Huh. These are really nice.”

“Yeah.” Justin was blushing; he could feel it in his cheeks. “They look good. You can keep them, I think they’re a little small on me. Or you can keep them here, for when…” He hesitated. “For mornings like this, I mean.”

Raf had just pulled Justin’s shirt on and started to button it, but he stopped and looked up.

“Are you suggesting that I keep some clothes at your apartment?”

“Well… yeah,” Justin said, raising a hand to the back of his neck, realizing right then that he was still naked from the waist up, himself.

Raf blinked at him, then smiled. “You are just full of surprises, huh?”

“Apparently.”

“Shit… I think I fucked this up…”

Raf was staring down at the buttons, trying to figure out where he’d made a mistake. Justin walked to him without thinking, found the spot where he had missed a buttonhole, and undid the top three buttons.

“Okay, that’s-”

He didn’t finish, because Raf was kissing him, and it was so sweet and soft that his heart ached, and he put his fingertips under Raf’s chin, and then rested them over his collarbone, pushing the white fabric to the side…

 _“Justin.”_ Raf pressed their foreheads together. Their eyes were closed. _“I thought I could stay away. But I don’t think I can.”_

Justin’s hands were on his waist, under his shirt.

_“I don’t want to hurt you.”_

Raf nodded, and they opened their eyes, and Raf kissed his cheek.

_“I know. But that doesn’t mean you won’t.”_

Justin winced, and pulled him closer.

_“I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”_

Raf shook his head.

_“Just… tell me what you want. Please.”_

Justin looked at him, and he tried to think of things that he knew were true, and then he said some of them out loud.

 _“I want you to come to my game. I want you to meet my friends. I want you to stay with me, tonight. I want to see you tomorrow, and the day after. And I know… I know it’s not enough-_ ”

 _“It is.”_ Raf was nodding, and smiling, and kissing his face. _“It’s enough for now.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

Raf kissed him, and his body felt so warm, and all Justin wanted to do was get back in bed and-

 _“Shit- I need to go- shit shit shit-_ ”

 _“I’m sorry-_ ”

 _“No, just- help me with these fucking buttons-_ ”

They laughed together as Justin fumbled with the buttons on Raf’s shirt – _his ­_ shirt – and then Raf was pulling him into the living room, grabbing his keys from the coffee table, leading him by the hand to the front door, balancing on one foot at a time to pull on his shoes-

“I’ll be at your game.” He leaned against the inside of Justin’s door, tying his shoelace. “I might be late, though. Text me the address, okay?”

Justin laughed as Raf teetered on one foot. “I’ll wash your clothes for you. And, uhm… I’ll put them in a drawer. If you want.”

Raf steadied himself on two feet, put his hands on Justin’s chest, pushed him against the wall next to the door, and kissed him, hard, for the span of a breath.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

He grinned at Justin’s stunned expression, then opened the door and left the apartment.

Justin didn’t move. He kept his back flat against the wall, and he closed his eyes, and replayed that kiss again and again. And he thought about Raf getting dressed for work in his bedroom like it was the most normal thing in the world, and he thought about the way Raf looked wearing his shirt, and his jeans, and almost nothing at all, and he tilted his head back, and pressed his palms against the wall, and laughed.

 

* * *

 

 

Justin parked at the athletic fields a little after six o’clock and walked to the sidelines with his bag. Gabe and Christopher were already there, tying on their cleats and adjusting their shin guards.

“Fearless defender!” Christopher said, spreading his arms wide. Justin sat down next to him on the bench.

“Huh?” Justin was aware of his position on the team, but Christopher made it sound like there was something else behind the title.

“You saved all of us from Doug, last night,” he explained. “We had a drink in your honor. Antonio had several. I think he was feeling a little down about that girl.”

“Amelia,” Gabe said.

“Right. Anyway,” Christopher went on, “I heard Doug was pretty pissed.”

“I heard that, too,” Gabe said. “He’s probably going to make a scene, as usual. Try not to let him get to you.”

“I actually hope he takes a swing at you,” Christopher said. “I’d love an excuse to knock that guy down.”

“Don’t,” Gabe said. “Don’t get into it with him. We’ll all get kicked out of the league.”

“Yeah, man,” Justin said. “It’s not worth it.” He felt like he’d seen enough broken noses for one week.

They jogged to their end of the field and started to warm up, speculating about Doug’s inevitable tantrum while the rest of the team started to arrive. Antonio eventually joined them, looking flushed, like he’d already been running. He wasn’t actually late, but he was usually one of the first people on the field, rather than one of the last to arrive.

“Sorry,” he said, though he was grinning. “I got held up.”

“Oh yeah?” Christopher said, picking up on his mood. “By who?”

“Amelia,” he blurted, with barely-contained excitement.

“No shit! I thought you weren’t supposed to see her until Sunday?”

“I wasn’t. But I called her and asked her about the whole ‘Sunday instead of Saturday’ thing, and she wanted to meet up to talk about it.”

“I’m guessing it was better news than you thought?” Justin said.

“Yeah. I mean, I think so. We had a good conversation, but I feel really bad for calling her out. She said she doesn’t make dates for Friday or Saturday night anymore, because some guy followed her home once, and she had to call the cops. She said anyone who wants to get to know her can do it in broad daylight in public places.”

“ _Shit,_ ” Christopher said. “Now I feel like an asshole.”

“Me, too,” Antonio said. “She’s okay, though. It doesn’t sound like the guy actually laid hands on her, or anything. Thank God.”

“And she’s giving you a shot,” Justin added. “That’s good news, right?”

“Edwards has good news?” Doug was there, smirking. He jostled Justin’s arm, making it look like a friendly nudge, but he aimed right for the scrape on his forearm. Then he put his hand to his mouth, feigning a surprised expression. “Did they approve your surgery? Are you finally going to be a _real girl?_ ”

He put his hands on Justin’s shoulders, leaned close to him, and lowered his voice so that only Justin could hear.

_“One more word out of you, like last night, and I’ll break your fucking teeth.”_

Justin swallowed – unwanted hands on his body were like nails on a chalkboard – and he looked Doug in the eye, and raised his voice loud enough for everyone around them to hear, and said, “I know you’re, like, obsessed with me, but I’m starting to feel like I need some _space._ ”

He practically spat the last word, and pushed Doug’s arms away from his shoulders. And then he turned to walk away, but Doug’s hand was wrapped around his upper arm, and Doug _pulled_ , and Justin’s shoulder screamed in its socket-

 _“Ah-_ ”

And then three sets of arms were pulling Doug away, and Christopher was yelling _Give me a fucking reason, man,_ and Antonio was yelling _What the actual fuck, douchebag?_

And Gabe was yelling, “THAT’S IT. YOU’RE OUT. GET THE FUCK OFF THE FIELD.”

Doug shook them off and rounded on Gabe, scowling.

“You can’t-”

“I can. Take it up with the league. We’re both captains. If I say you’re done, you’re fucking done.”

“Seriously? Because of this fairy?” Doug jabbed a thumb at Justin, and Justin smirked, rubbing at his shoulder. Doug was grasping, now. He hadn’t expected Gabe to take things this far.

 _“Justin_ can play offense today, if he wants to, since a spot just opened up,” Gabe said coolly. “Now get the fuck out of here.”

“You can’t be serious! You’ll fucking _lose-_ ”

“Do you _really_ want me to take a vote, asshole?” Gabe asked him, but it was clear that he didn’t have to. Most of the team was gathered around them, and they were all standing behind Gabe and Justin.

Doug looked like he wanted to take a swing at Gabe, but he flipped him off instead, and then stalked off the field, rolling his shoulders.

Gabe took a long breath, then yelled for everyone to gather around him.

“Doug is out. Questions or objections?”

“Yeah, what the-?”

“Not you, Patrick. Anyone else?”

“Justin? You alright, dude?” It was Ricky, one of the midfielders that Justin didn’t know very well.

“I’m good. Thanks.” His shoulder ached a bit, but he didn’t think any real damage had been done.

“Um… who’s subbing in for forward if we need it?” Trevor asked.

“Good question,” Gabe said. “Justin? Feel like giving it a try?”

Justin knew this made sense. They already had an extra player to sub for defense, and he had played forward a couple of times in the past.

“Sure. I mean… if no one else wants to.”

His teammates seemed to agree with the decision, so they all finished warming up, and then jogged to the sidelines to wait for the ref’s instructions. Justin scanned the two small sets of bleachers along the edge of the field, but he didn’t see Raf, yet. These matches didn’t draw large crowds – at most, there might be a handful of friends, family members, or players from other teams sitting in the bleachers – so it was impossible for Justin to miss Doug, sitting on the lowest bench, glaring in his direction.

He sighed.

“Looking for someone?” Christopher asked, noticing Justin staring down the sidelines toward the parking lot.

“Huh? Oh… uh, I might have people coming.”

“’People?’”

“Yeah. I’m not sure, though.”

A whistle sounded, and the starting lineup took their positions on the field. Justin and Christopher would both be playing defense, while Gabe and Trevor would be the starting forwards. Antonio stayed on the sidelines; he’d be waiting to sub in for midfield at halftime. Another whistle sounded, and the game began.

After the first five minutes, it was clear that the two teams were fairly evenly matched. The forwards and midfielders kept trading the ball back and forth, and no one had really come close to scoring yet, though Gabe and Trevor were giving it their best shot. Justin hadn’t had much to do so far – the midfielders were doing their job – and his mind was starting to wander.

Why was Doug lingering in the stands? Was he that interested in the outcome of the match? Was he hoping they would lose without him, and waiting for his opportunity to gloat? Or was he waiting for Justin and Gabe with something more sinister in mind? Justin just hoped that Raf and Melissa would sit as far away from him as possible, when they came.

 _If_ they came.

Another five minutes passed in a similar fashion, and then the opposing team swapped out one of their forwards, and the match got a little bit more interesting. New Guy was small and quick, and he had the run of the field before long. Justin and Christopher managed to block his first three attempts to make a break for their net, but he got past them on the fourth try, and scored the first goal of the game. Justin wasn’t surprised; the midfielders were getting tired. This guy was too quick, and it was likely that he’d break through their ranks again.

The midfielders must have come to the same conclusion, because Ricky jogged off to the sidelines and tagged Antonio into play. Antonio was small and quick, too. It was a smart move. Justin smiled in his direction, and then looked past the sidelines and into the bleachers… and Raf and Melissa were there, sitting on the highest bench. They both waved when they saw Justin looking in their direction, and he grinned, and nodded back at them.

Antonio proved to be a good match for the opposing team’s offense, and Gabe and Trevor were able to take possession more easily during the final minutes of the first half. Trevor went down at one point – sliding to capture the ball from New Guy – but he got up immediately afterward, and he’d given Gabe the opportunity to take the ball all the way to the net. Gabe scored with a minute left in the half, and the game was still tied when the whistle blew.

Gabe gave them a quick pep talk once they’d congregated on the sidelines, but Justin wasn’t really paying attention. He was looking past the small handful of spectators to where Raf and Melissa were sitting. Part of him wished that Raf would come down and say hello – it was so strange to see him from a distance, and Justin wished that he were closer – but he knew it wasn’t a good time. They’d be heading back onto the field any minute, and he still wasn’t sure how he would respond to the questions his friends might ask.

“I think I could use a break,” Trevor was saying. He was down on one knee, examining the fresh scrape he’d acquired from sliding for the ball. “What do you think, Justin? You up for it?”

He shifted his gaze back to Gabe and Trevor, and nodded. He wasn’t tired yet, so if they wanted him to take a turn as forward, now was the time. He grabbed a final sip of water as the whistle blew, and then jogged toward the center of the field with Gabe.

“No pressure, here, man,” Gabe told him. “If you totally choke, everyone will still be psyched that Doug’s out.”

Justin laughed. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, dude.”

“Anytime!”

Gabe clapped him on the shoulder, and the game resumed, and Justin _ran_. It felt so good to be moving, and to be useful, and to be stronger and faster and more agile than his opposition. He came on strong right away, blowing past two lines of defense, and he fought all the way to the net and then passed to Gabe, who scored a beautiful goal. And that assist felt so good, Justin ached to score a goal of his own, so when Gabe broke past the opposing midfielders, Justin sprinted ahead – and he was back in the park, flying through the trees with Raf by his side – and he was so fast, and the defenders were too far away. Gabe passed him the ball, and Justin kicked with everything he had, and the goalie dove, but it was no use – the ball sailed into the net. And Justin closed his eyes, and spread his arms, and smiled.

They worked hard to defend their lead after that, and they managed to pull it off; the opposing team only scored once more, and when the final whistle blew, everyone converged on Gabe and Justin. And there were hugs, and handshakes, and Justin’s whole body burned, and he was still on fire when he made it to the sidelines. Raf and Melissa were there waiting for him, and it took every ounce of strength he had left not to kiss Raf on the spot, and his heart thrummed when Raf hugged him instead. And he didn’t care that he was sweaty, or that his team was watching – he closed his eyes, and held on tight, and said, _“I’m so glad you’re here.”_

 _“You’re amazing.”_ Raf’s arms were strong around his back. _“That was amazing.”_

“…Christ, he’s so obvious, he brought a fucking _date_ …”

Justin let go of Raf, and Doug was there, a few feet away, looking him up and down, and Patrick was next to him, smirking.

And then Gabe was in the way, and he was yelling, “If you’re not off this field in ten seconds, I’ll have you banned right now. Get the fuck out of here.”

And then other people raised their voices, too:

“Fuck off, Doug-”

“It’s over- go home-”

And Doug gave Justin one final, scathing look, and he and Patrick walked off the field.

“Uh… what was that all about?” Raf asked, looking concerned and a little embarrassed. Justin opened his mouth to answer, but then Christopher and Antonio were there, flanking him.

“Seriously, fuck that guy,” Antonio said. “He can go choke.”

“I think he just choked pretty hard on the fact that Justin stole his position and won the game,” Christopher said. “Nice win, man! How’s it feel?”

“Feels pretty great, honestly,” Justin said. “Uhm. Raf… Melissa… these are my friends, Christopher and Antonio.”

They all shook hands.

“It’s so cool that you came to watch,” Christopher said. “We don’t get a lot of spectators.”

“You should,” Raf said. “You guys are great!”

“You really are,” Melissa said. “I haven’t been to a soccer game in forever. I used to play club in college.”

“Really?” Christopher said. “Hmm… let me guess…” He made a show of examining her. “Forward, sometimes midfield.”

She giggled and nodded, her black curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Yup!”

“And what do you do now, instead of club soccer?” he followed up, smiling widely.

“I’m a video editor. I just started working on my first studio film, actually.”

“Oh! Is that how you guys know each other?” Antonio asked.

“Yeah,” Justin confirmed. “Melissa was editing for Jacksepticeye for a while, and then Raf took over for her.”

“You edited for Jacksepticeye?” Christopher asked, his eyes wide. She nodded, smiling and blushing a little under her freckles.

“Anything I’d know?”

“Um… I did some of the Cluster Truck videos.”

“No way! Those are hilarious! I love that game!” Christopher was gushing openly, now.

“Me, too,” she said, clearly pleased.

“You _play_ , too?”

Melissa laughed at his incredulous expression.

“Yeah! When I have time, anyway.”

Christopher gaped at her for a few more seconds, and then seemed to realize that he’d been steering the direction of the conversation.

“And… uh… Raf? You’re editing for Jack now? Is he as cool as Justin says?”

“Probably cooler,” Raf said, nodding. “He’s a really good guy.”

“Do you know Markiplier, too?” Antonio asked.

“I do! He’s really nice, too.”

Gabe walked up to them then, rubbing a towel through his hair.

“Hey, Justin. Really great game, man.”

Justin thanked him, and introduced him to Raf and Melissa.

“Really nice to meet you,” Gabe said, shaking their hands. “Can I steal Justin for a second, though?”

They nodded.

“I have to grab my bag anyway,” Justin said. “Can I meet you guys back here in a couple minutes?”

Raf caught his eye and smiled. “We’ll be here.”

Justin followed Gabe away from the group.

“Thanks for stepping up, today,” Gabe said. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. About Doug. I hope I didn’t make things worse for you.”

“Nah. It was really cool of you to say something. A lot of guys wouldn’t.”

Gabe nodded toward Raf and Melissa. “So… he came.”

Justin met his eye, and his face was hot, and it had nothing to do with the exercise. Gabe was making it so easy. Justin didn’t even have to say anything, all he had to do was nod… so he did.

“That’s really great, man. I’m going to try to put together one more team dinner at some point. Friends and family welcome. Bring whoever you want, okay?”

Justin nodded again, because there was a lump in his throat. But Gabe was about to walk away, so he cleared his throat and said, “Uh, hey… maybe we could all practice over the winter. If you still want to play together next season, I mean.”

Gabe smiled. “Perfect. I’ll make a new group chat. Don’t be a stranger.”

He clapped Justin on the shoulder, and then he walked toward the bleachers, and held out his hand for a tall, red-haired girl who had a motorcycle helmet stashed under her arm. She took his hand, and kissed him with enthusiasm, and they walked away from the field together.

Justin found his bag and sat down on a nearby bench to swap his cleats for regular sneakers, and Christopher and Antonio met him there to do the same.

“Dude, I did _not_ mean to get in the middle of you and Melissa like that,” Christopher said, looking embarrassed. “I’m really sorry.”

Justin shook his head. “Don’t be. I actually think you guys would get along really well. She’s cool.”

“But… aren’t you two…?” Christopher gestured vaguely.

Justin stopped fussing with his shoelaces and looked at him.

“No. We’re not.”

“Oh! Good! I mean, no, not good, I just meant, _wow_ , she’s so cool, and _beautiful_ … hey, what are you guys doing now? Maybe we could all grab a drink, or something.”

“I’m not sure what she’s up to,” Justin said. “But… I have plans.” He swallowed, and looked down, and started tying his shoelace again. “With Raf.”

“Oh, but… _oh_.”

He could feel his friends’ eyes on him for a few seconds before Antonio spoke up.

“Raf seems really cool.”

Justin looked up, and they were both looking back at him like he was a book they were struggling to read.

“Yeah. He is. Uhm. Maybe we could all hang out some other time?”

“Yeah!” they both said, with a little too much enthusiasm.

Justin stood up, and they stood up, too.

“Good game, guys. See you soon?”

They agreed, and shook hands, and Justin walked back to Raf and Melissa, who were chatting by the bleachers.

“Hey, guys. Um. Melissa, I didn’t really get to say it- thanks for coming.”

“Sure! Long time no see!”

He nodded. “Yeah. Too long. Uh. Also. My friend Christopher…” he gestured back toward Christopher and Antonio, who were still packing up their bags. “He thinks you’re really cool. And I know it’s none of my business, and I normally wouldn’t say anything, but he’s a _really_ nice guy.”

She blushed a little, and said, “Yeah, he seems like it.”

“He asked if we could all go for a drink, but…” He looked at Raf. “We still have plans, right?”

Raf opened his mouth, looking a little surprised, and he glanced between Justin and Melissa, and then said, “Yeah, we do.”

“Okay. Good. Uh… so I told him some other time, but…”

“Hmm.” Melissa checked her phone. “I have plans, too, but… I might have time for a drink, first.”

Justin nodded. He knew Melissa would have no problem striking up a conversation with a guy she was interested in.

“He’d probably die of happiness if you went over and talked to him.”

“That would be a damn shame,” she said, smirking. “See you guys later?”

She waved at them and walked in Christopher’s direction, and then Justin and Raf were alone.

“Hey,” Raf said, looking a little off balance.

“Hey.”

“So… want to tell me what was up with that guy, earlier? I mean, I didn’t think you were going to tell anyone about-”

“No. I didn’t. It’s not like that.” Justin grimaced. “That guy Doug… he’s just been giving me a hard time. I think he can tell there’s something… different… about me. Anyway, he was giving me shit yesterday, and I said some things to him at the bar, and he was pissed…”

“What did you say?”

“Uh. He was getting a little loud about me being a- um- being gay, or whatever. He just says stuff like that to be a jerk. And so… I told him I’d rather be gay than be like him.”

Raf stared. “You did?”

“Yeah.”

“And you meant it?”

“Raf… I don’t know if you’ve noticed… but I’m a terrible liar.”

“Wow. Yeah. You really are. But… wait, what happened after that?”

“Uh… he left the bar, came to the game pissed, threatened to bash my face in… I let him know how I felt about that, he grabbed my arm… the other guys on the team had my back, and Gabe kicked him off the field.”

“That’s what they meant? He was supposed to play forward, and you took his spot?”

“Yeah. I don’t think he was too happy about that.” Justin grinned.

Raf was looking at him like he was seeing him for the first time.

“Justin… you were _incredible_.”

“I was thinking about the other night. In the park.”

“Oh.” Raf flexed his fingers, a red blush layered on top of his dark skin. “Can I hug you again?”

“Yeah.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“Raf…” Justin put his arms around him. “I wanted you to come here.”

“I know, I just… I didn’t think you would want anyone to see us like this.”

Justin held him for a moment before he answered.

“So… you know the whole, ‘I’m a terrible liar’ thing? I didn’t tell my friends anything, I wouldn’t do that without talking to you first… but I think they might be starting to figure it out anyway.”

Raf gave him a small squeeze.

“How do you feel about that?”

Justin closed his eyes.

“Can we go home?”

“My place or yours?”

“Yours.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin told himself he would wait until they were safely inside Raf’s apartment, but as soon as the elevator doors closed in front of them, he was kissing Raf’s mouth, and Raf was kissing him back. And then they were laughing, and racing each other down the hall to Raf’s door, and Raf was fumbling with his keys, and then pulling Justin inside, and pushing him down onto the couch, and climbing onto his lap-

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

Raf was straddling him. His hands were holding Justin’s face.

_“Can we try this again?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“You can’t run out on me this time.”_

_“I won’t. I swear.”_

And then Raf put his mouth on Justin’s neck, and Justin held Raf’s waist under his shirt, and closed his eyes, and let it happen.

He let Raf kiss him from his throat to the back of his neck.

_“Oh-”_

He let Raf pull his shirt to the side and suck on his shoulder.

_“Ah-”_

And he kissed Raf’s face, and his throat, and his mouth – he tasted mint on Raf’s tongue – and then he let Raf roll his hips against him-

_“Mh-”_

And he tightened his grip on Raf’s waist, and pulled his body down, and pressed himself up-

_“Justin-”_

_“Ah-”_

_“Again-”_

And they rocked against each other, and they kissed each other, and Justin was painfully hard, throbbing and arching every time Raf moved against him, and he put his mouth on Raf’s neck to stifle a moan-

_“Mh-”_

And then he buried his face against Raf’s shoulder-

_“Ahh-”_

And when he came, it ran through his body in a series of shudders, and he was holding Raf so tight, and Raf was shaking, too, and Justin’s eyes were squeezed shut, and he never wanted to open them again, because he never wanted this to end. Because he needed to remember how this felt. Because he needed to believe that this was safe and right and good.

And then Raf’s lips were soft on his neck and his face, and Raf was tilting his chin up, and kissing his lips. And Justin’s cheeks were wet, and Raf’s thumbs were wiping at the corners of his eyes.

_“Justin. Hey. Open your eyes.”_

He did, and Raf was there, so close, and Justin was laughing, or sobbing, or both, and Raf was smiling, and kissing his face.

_“You’re okay. You’re okay.”_

Justin nodded, and took a shaky breath.

“Did you-?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Raf kissed him one more time, and then said, “I’m going to get up now. I think you should go take a shower, and I’ll order pizza, and you can come meet me in my room when you’re ready. Sound okay?”

“Yeah. Sounds perfect.”

Raf slid off of his lap, and flashed him a grin, and then disappeared into the hall. Justin stood up slowly – he felt shaky from the waist down, from the exertion of the game and the intensity of what had just happened – and then he walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He was hot from his forehead to his toes, and it felt incredible to strip off his clothing and step under the cool water of the shower. He washed his hair – his shoulder ached a little from when Doug had grabbed him – and then he covered himself in suds, and rinsed himself clean. He used a towel to dry his hair, realized he didn’t have any clean clothes to change into, wrapped the towel around his waist, and headed down the hall to Raf’s bedroom.

Raf was stretched out on his bed with his laptop, but he shut it and set it aside when Justin came in.

“Hey! Wow… you look amazing.” Raf stared shamelessly, his eyes wide. “…And I forgot to bring you clothes. Shit. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Justin said, blushing happily, enjoying the attention.

Raf slid off of the bed and went through a couple of his drawers, pulling out a white t-shirt and navy-blue boxers.

“Do you want shorts, too?” Raf wasn’t wearing any; his boxers were plaid and loose-fitting.

“Uhm. No. These are fine.”

“Okay. Want me to throw your clothes in the wash while you get dressed?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

Raf disappeared into the hall, and Justin pulled on the clothes, and examined himself in the mirror that stood in the corner. He liked what he saw. There was something intimate and special about wearing Raf’s clothes, and seeing Raf wear _his_ clothes, too. He knew it wouldn’t have felt the same if he’d picked them out for himself, either. Raf wanted him to wear these, had chosen them just for him. Raf cared about how he looked. Raf _saw_ him.

A loud tone sounded in the living room. Raf’s doorbell. _Pizza._ Justin hadn’t been aware of how hungry he was until that moment. He sat down on Raf’s bed, and Raf came back a minute later holding a pizza box and two plates.

“So…” he said, handing them to Justin and climbing onto the bed next to him, “I’m going to guess that you don’t usually eat in bed at your place.”

Justin laughed. “Nope. Never.”

“Uh huh. I don’t usually, either, but I thought it might be fun to make an exception, if you’re up for it.”

“Absolutely.”

They attacked the pizza with enthusiasm, talking about the highlights of the soccer game, and Justin’s teammates, and everything that had happened with Doug over the course of the season and the last couple of days. Raf told Justin that he’d already received a text from Melissa, letting him know that she and Christopher had gotten along so well, she’d canceled the rest of her plans for the night and stayed with him at the bar.

And then the pizza was gone, and the plates were put away, and Raf and Justin were holding hands, facing each other on the bed.

“Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“It made me really happy that you introduced me to your friends. And that you didn’t lie to them about who I was. And that you hugged me at the field. Thank you, for all of those things.”

“I don’t think I could lie about you, even if I wanted to.”

“I know. It means a lot. And eventually I want to talk about what’s going on between us, for real. And about what happened on the couch. But I was wondering if it could wait a while. Because I want to talk to you about something else.”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “Anything.”

“So… the livestream on Sunday. Obviously it’s Mark and Jack’s thing, but it’s a pretty big deal for me, too. My parents will find out about it eventually… there’s no point in trying to hide it from them… and I don’t want to, anyway. But they’ll be appalled to find out I’m working for someone who’s queer. They’re going to have a big issue with it when Jack comes out. And forget finding out that I am, too. I was planning to finally tell them, if I can figure out how to be brave enough. And they’re probably going to lose their minds.”

Justin was sitting still, listening carefully, holding one of Raf’s hands with both of his.

“I didn’t expect any of this to happen, with you,” Raf went on. “I’ve been so happy around you, and so excited to see you, and it’s amazing… but underneath that, I’m really scared about what’s going to happen after the stream. And I know that’s not your problem. I know you’re not my… boyfriend… or anything…”

_I’m not?_

“…but I just wanted to tell you, anyway. I was hoping we could just try to have a really good weekend, before things get… difficult.”

Raf was looking down at their clasped hands, and Justin thought for a while before he said anything. He wanted to tell Raf that this had been the happiest week of his life, and that he felt like he’d been asleep until the first time they’d kissed. He wanted to say that what had happened between them on the couch had made him feel human, for the first time in as long as he could remember.

But he didn’t. He said, “I’ll do whatever you want. Whatever you need. I’ll be here, no matter what happens.”

Raf looked at him. “Can you promise me that?”

Justin leaned over, and slid his arms around Raf’s back, and rested his chin on Raf’s shoulder.

“I promise.”

Raf sighed and leaned into him.

“Justin? What if they hate me?”

Justin’s heart broke, a little. Raf didn’t deserve to have thoughts like that. He didn’t deserve to have a family that made him feel this way. No one did.

He sat up, and looked at Raf, and said, “I don’t understand how anyone could possibly hate you. It wouldn’t make any sense. You’re just so...”

Raf was looking back at him, his eyebrows raised, waiting.

“…You’re just… perfect,” Justin finished, because he couldn’t think of another way to say what he felt.

Raf swallowed, looking like he might be close to tears.

“You really think that?”

“I wouldn’t say it, if I didn’t.”

Raf nodded. “I believe you.” He leaned over and kissed Justin’s lips, and it was soft, and fleeting, like the very first time he’d done it, in the middle of the night in Justin’s car.

And then he stopped, and he waited, and Justin didn’t know what to do next, because Raf always took the lead, always made things feel so easy. But right now he was in pain, and maybe he didn’t know what they were supposed to do next, either.

Justin knew what it was like to be in pain, though, so he pulled Raf off of the bed, and turned off the light, and then he moved the blankets to the side so they could lay down together.

_“Here. Right here.”_

He pulled Raf close to him until Raf was laying on his chest. And then he put his hands around Raf’s head – one palm against his forehead – and he _pressed._ Raf sighed, and Justin rubbed his way across his eyebrows, and behind his ears, and down to the nape of his neck, until Raf was making sounds that made his heartbeat thrum in his chest.

_“Justin… you feel so good…”_

And he thought about what else he could do, to make Raf make those sounds. He tried to think about what could happen if the clothing between them disappeared, and he found that it was hard to picture it. He didn’t know where his hands should go, or how fast or how slow. He knew how he wanted to make Raf feel, but he didn’t know how to actually do it. He imagined putting his hands on the most sensitive parts of Raf’s body, and he was flooded with nervousness, just at the thought of it. What if he made a mistake? What if he hurt him? What if his insecurities and his inexperience turned out to be just too much? What if Raf took one look at him without his clothes on, and decided that this wasn’t what he wanted? Raf deserved better than that. He deserved to be with someone who could give him everything he wanted.

…Except that Raf’s arms were around him. Raf’s face was pressed against his chest. Raf was drifting off to sleep with Justin’s fingers in his hair.

_“Justin.”_

Raf was whispering his name.

_“Yeah?”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“For what?”_

Raf had fallen asleep, holding a handful of Justin’s shirt. Another day had passed, and Justin was still the person he wanted to fall asleep with.

There was still a chance. He still had time to figure out how to be someone Raf could love.


	6. Chapter 6

It was light in Raf’s room when Justin opened his eyes, despite the blinds on the windows. He was on his back with both arms up by his head, and he looked to his left, and saw Raf sleeping next to him, right on the mattress instead of a pillow, his face tucked close to Justin’s ribcage.

Justin smiled, but it faded quickly. He was uncomfortable, and he was trying to figure out why. He turned his head back toward the ceiling, and he felt the tag of his t-shirt brush against the back of his neck. That was wrong, he didn’t wear t-shirts with tags like this… _Oh._ This was Raf’s shirt. And it had a tag, and the material felt strange, and it was tight in the wrong places.

And Justin was _hot_. Raf’s blanket was stuck to him, and it rubbed uncomfortably against his legs, and the bottoms of his feet. And it was too light out-

_Shit- No- What time is it?_

Justin groped for his phone, but it wasn’t in the bed. He sat up and checked the night stand, but it wasn’t there, either.

“Justin?”

He jumped out of bed and scanned the floor, and the top of Raf’s dresser-

“Hey- Justin-”

“What time is it?” His voice was too loud, he knew it, but he couldn’t help it.

“Justin, what’s the matter-?”

He stopped, and glared at Raf, who was sitting up in bed, tousled and confused.

“WHAT TIME IS IT?” Justin was practically yelling, now – he winced as soon as he said it – but he had no control over the volume of his voice.

Raf stared, taken aback, and then groped for his own phone on his night stand.

“It’s 10:36… Why…? Oh- Oh, shit-”

Justin was already bolting for the door, and he heard his alarm sounding in the living room as soon as he was in the hallway. He ran toward it – _fuck fuck fuck fuck –_ and grabbed it from the coffee table, where it had been beeping and blinking at him accusingly. He jabbed at it to silence it, then dove for his soccer bag and riffled through it until his fingers made contact with something cylindrical. He sat back on his knees and opened his pill bottle, and swallowed a pill dry. He grabbed for his phone again, his hands shaking, and logged the medication in his app.

“Justin…” Raf was there, by the couch, looking down at him. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t know you left your phone out here…”

He stood up. He knew Raf was talking to him, but his mind was full of alarm bells, and the light from the windows was too bright, and the tag scratching against his neck was unbearable, so he pulled off the shirt and dropped it on the floor.

“Do you have any shirts without tags?” He knew he sounded insane. He knew there was nothing he could do about it.

“Uh… I think so.”

“Long sleeves?”

“I’ll check. I’ll be quick.”

Raf hurried back to his room, and Justin turned off the lights in the living room, and then went to the windows in the kitchen, and closed the blinds. Then he went back to the couch, and he thought about sitting down, but he couldn’t bear the thought of the fabric against his bare back, so he shut his eyes and squeezed his fingertips into his palms until he heard Raf’s footsteps close by. He opened his eyes.

“Here, this should be better.”

Raf handed him a black, long-sleeved Under Armour shirt. The material was smooth, and there were no tags on the inside, and it felt soothing against Justin’s skin as he pulled it on.

“Maybe you should sit down?” Raf said quietly.

Justin shook his head. His panic was about to spike, and he knew it, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. “There’s… there’s too much… _stuff_ in here. It’s…” He couldn’t find the word he wanted, so he said, “ _loud.”_

“Right. Okay.” Raf looked around. “Oh- the bathroom, maybe? There’s less stuff in there.”

Justin nodded, his heartbeat hammering painfully in his chest, and followed Raf to the bathroom. He stepped inside, and it was better, but it wasn’t perfect.

He turned around to look at Raf, who was holding onto the door frame, looking stricken, and he fought to modulate his voice, even though all he wanted to do was scream.

“Can you go? For a minute? And then come back?”

Raf nodded. “Whatever you need. I’ll get you some water. I’ll wait for you.”

He left, and Justin shut himself inside the bathroom, and looked around him. The shower was a problem. It was different than his own; he had purposely chosen an apartment with a modern, glass stall, because shower curtains were a nightmare. They creased unevenly, and the vinyl insert was always scratchy or slimy or too difficult to clean, and the hooks or rings were impossible to keep evenly spaced. He _hated_ shower curtains. Raf had a shower curtain.

Luckily, it was hanging from a suspension bar that came easily away from the wall, so he took the whole thing down, and folded it up as best he could, and then dropped it in a heap outside the bathroom door. Then he shut himself inside again and did another sweep of the room before rounding up everything that was resting on a flat surface – Raf’s shampoo bottle, soap, face wash, and body wash, his toothpaste and electronic toothbrush, his shaving cream and razor – and he stuffed it all into the cabinet under the sink. He knew the stuff was there, knew it would still nag at the corners of his mind, but at least he couldn’t see it. The only item he left exposed was a box of tissues, and he grabbed it before he finally sank down onto the floor. He knew he would need it eventually.

He pressed his back against the wall, and hugged his knees to his chest, and stared at the uniform lines of the cabinet in front of him, but the panic didn’t recede. The lights were too bright. His throat was too tight. It was getting hard to breathe.

He yelled Raf’s name.

And Raf was there in a moment, holding a glass of water, and Justin managed to get out one more sentence before he started to cry.

_“It’s too bright.”_

Tears spilled onto his cheeks while Raf put the water glass down on the floor and dropped to his knees. He rummaged in the cabinet for a moment before he pulled out something small and rectangular, and then he stood up, shoved it into the wall socket by the sink, and turn off the light switch. A soft glow replaced the harsh, fluorescent overhead light.

“Better?”

Justin nodded, crying silently, unable to speak.

“What can I do?”

He looked up at Raf, and let go of his knees, and crossed his arms over his chest instead.

“You want me to hug you?”

He nodded, and a small sob slipped past the tightness in his throat.

Raf got down on his knees again. He put one arm around Justin’s shoulder, and one arm around his head, and held him tight against his chest.

And Justin sobbed, and Raf held him tighter, and Justin closed his eyes, and let the air out of his lungs, and let the tension out of his body.

_“Can I say some things?”_

Raf’s voice was a barely-audible whisper. Justin nodded against his chest, his face wet, his shoulders shaking.

 _“You’re safe. Nothing bad is going to happen. I’m going to stay right here.”_ Raf kissed the top of his head. _“And you don’t have to feel sad, or embarrassed, because I’m so happy you’re here. This doesn’t change anything.”_ He hugged Justin even tighter. _“It doesn’t change how I feel.”_

Justin heard the words, and they sounded true. And Raf was holding him so tight that it hurt, and the pain was anchoring him, and he wasn’t crying anymore. He was breathing slow, and his lips were numb, and his hands ached from being squeezed into fists for too long. He let them relax, and he waited for the feeling to return to his fingertips, and then pressed his right hand against Raf’s stomach. And Raf’s arm was still there, holding his head in place, so he shifted, just the tiniest bit, and pressed his lips to the inside of his forearm.

 _“Hey.”_ Raf brushed his forehead with his lips. _“Feeling a little better?”_

Justin nodded.

Raf grabbed for a tissue from the box nearby, and dabbed gently at Justin’s face, and Justin closed his eyes and let him. And when he was finished, Justin straightened up, and put his arms around Raf’s shoulders, and hugged him properly, burying his face against Raf’s neck.

_“Justin… I’m so sorry this happened. What can I do?”_

_“You already…”_ Justin didn’t finish. There weren’t any words for what Raf had just done for him. He had brought something dark and scary into Raf’s private space, and Raf had been nothing but kind, and sweet. And all Justin wanted in the world was to see Raf smile again, so he pulled back, and looked in his eyes, and said, _“This is the best panic attack I’ve ever had.”_

And Raf laughed, and it was like music. _“Same time next week?”_

Justin managed a weak smile. _“God, I hope not.”_

_“Want to stand up?”_

_“Yeah.”_

They got to their feet, and Justin turned on the light, and surveyed the damage. He felt himself blushing hotly, but he swallowed the self-deprecating comments that kept rising to the surface of his mind. They would only make Raf feel worse, if he said them out loud.

“I’m sorry about all this,” he said. “I’ll put everything back.”

Raf put a hand on his arm. “Hey. I don’t care. Not even a little bit. We can reorganize together, if you want.” He smiled at Justin until he smiled back. “Can I ask you, though… did that happen because your medication wore off, or did you panic because you missed your pill?”

Justin sighed. “The second one. The meds don’t wear off that quickly. And I know that, but it’s been so long since I missed a dose… I’m not used to sleeping away from home… and last night was… it was so perfect. I wasn’t thinking, and then it hit me, and I just… panicked.”

Raf nodded. “It _was_ perfect. It still is.” He took his phone out of his pocket and tapped into the clock application. “You take your pill at 8:00, right?”

“Yeah.”

He set an alarm to repeat daily at 8:00 AM. “Okay. Now we have a backup.”

Justin’s heart squeezed at the way he said _we_.

“Thank you.”

“What do you do when you want to sleep in?”

“Uh… I still get up at 8:00, take the pill, drink a protein shake, and go back to sleep.”

Raf’s face fell. “Protein shake. You need to eat. Hang on, I think I have a couple in the fridge…”

He hurried out of the bathroom, and returned a few seconds later holding a cardboard carton. Justin finished it in two sips while Raf looked around the small space. He gestured to the uncharacteristically bare surface of the counter around the sink.

“It was the clutter, right? Does it bother you all the time?”

Justin thought about how to answer without offending him.

“It’s kind of like when you hear a song you hate on the radio, or one you’ve heard a million times. At first you want to turn it off, but after a while you just get used to it, or tune it out. That’s kind of what it feels like.”

“Have you been uncomfortable here before?”

“No. Never. I really like it here. I’m not-” He stopped. He’d almost said _I’m not crazy_ , and he didn’t think Raf would appreciate that particular choice of phrasing. “…Things don’t usually get to me, like this. It was just-”

“Hey.” Raf’s voice was soft. He put his hands on Justin’s waist. “I get it. It’s all right. Just tell me if I can help.”

“Are you kidding?” Justin ran a hand through his hair. “No one’s _ever_ been there for me, like this.” There were so many other things he wanted to say, but the adrenaline spike had long receded, and he felt weary to his bones. So he kissed Raf’s cheek, and then his lips, and then he tried and failed to stifle a yawn.

“Hey. Come with me.” Raf picked up his hand and led him down the hall to the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling Justin down with him. “Sleep for a while. I need to take a shower anyway. We can eat when you get up.”

Justin wanted to argue, but he found he didn’t have the energy. “I was supposed to take you to the beach,” he said sleepily.

“Plenty of hours left in the day. Come on. Lay down.”

Justin nodded. He pulled off the black shirt Raf had brought for him and then stretched out on his back, holding Raf’s hand.

“Stay for a minute?”

Raf nodded, and put his hand on Justin’s forehead and _pressed_ , like Justin had done for him the night before, and Justin closed his eyes.

“You know… I can’t even imagine how terrible that must have felt. But… it happened because you let your guard down. I think there’s something kind of beautiful about that.”

Justin nodded, his eyes still closed. _“The beautiful thing is you.”_ And he didn’t see the tear that fell onto Raf’s cheek, but he felt Raf’s lips on the center of his chest, and then at the bottom of his ribcage, and he thought, _Open your eyes, you’re missing it_ , but sleep was already stealing him away, and when Raf pressed his lips to his stomach, it was like being touched inside a dream.

 

* * *

 

 

“Justin? Are you coming?”

“Yeah. In a second.”

Raf was ankles-deep in the ocean, small waves crashing around his legs. He was wearing a black rash guard and cherry-red swim shorts, and he was holding a surfboard and shielding his eyes from the sun, and he was the most beautiful thing Justin had ever seen.

“Fuck! It’s cold! Come on, I need to dive in before I wimp out!”

Justin took a long breath, trying to figure out how he was going to keep his hands off of Raf for the rest of the afternoon, and then walked into the water to join him.

“Sorry. I was just… taking in the view.”

Raf laughed. “You were checking me out?”

“Pretty much.”

“I was thinking of doing the same thing, but I was going to wait until you’re all wet.”

“Oh, God,” Justin said, picturing Raf walking out of the water and onto the sand, dripping wet from head to toe.

“And maybe until you take that rash guard off-”

“Okay, okay, you need to stop, I won’t be able to concentrate-”

“Oh, come on, I need to heat you up somehow… the water’s freezing…”

“I’m hot enough, trust me.”

“Yeah. You really are.”

“Raf!”

“Sorry, not sorry.”

They were waist-deep in the water now. Raf flashed Justin a grin, then held his breath and dunked himself under the surface. He straightened up a moment later, pushing his dripping hair away from his face. Justin dunked himself, too, and they floated there for a while, getting used to the ebb and flow of the waves coming in, holding hands under the water. Raf had only managed to stand up on a surfboard twice in the past, and Justin didn’t have much more experience than that, so they rode their first few waves to shore on their bellies without attempting to stand.

Eventually, Justin thought he had a feel for the timing. He stood up in the shallows and wiped the water away from his eyes.

“Ready to try to stand?”

Raf looked hesitant.

“I’m not sure.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just… could I watch you, first?”

“Why? What’s up?”

Raf looked Justin up and down. “It’s just… what if I suck? You’re so strong. And at your soccer game you were just so… I don’t know… competitive? And I _loved_ watching you, but I don’t think I can compete with you, like that.”

Justin was shaking his head. “No, I promise, I don’t want that either. That’s not why I brought you here. I just want you to have a good time.”

“Really? You don’t care if I’m terrible?”

Justin laughed. “No! I’m not good at this either. Soccer is one thing, but… I can actually be pretty clumsy. You’ll see.”

“Okay. Show me, then.”

Raf’s commanding directness was back, and Justin ached to kiss him, right there on the crowded beach, and he wondered vaguely what was stopping him, since he wanted it so badly – he wanted to be able to kiss Raf no matter where they were, or who they were with, and he wanted Raf to want that, too – and he couldn’t get his feet to move, because most of his mind was trying to figure out how to tell Raf that he didn’t want to have to hold hands under the water.

“Justin? Come on. I’ll come rescue you if you wipe out.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He couldn’t say it, he didn’t know how, so he returned Raf’s smile, and then turned toward the horizon, and headed into the waves alone.

Raf was delighted that he wiped out several times in a row. He cheered with enthusiasm every time Justin recovered from a fall, laughed at the faces Justin made as he teetered on the board, and kept his hand on Justin’s shoulder as he coughed up a mouthful of water after a particularly dramatic tumble.

“You okay? You had it, that time!”

Justin nodded, clearing his throat. “I’m good.”

“Want to take a break? I think I want to give it a try.”

“Definitely. You’ll be great.”

And he was. Raf moved with a fluid grace that Justin knew he could never hope to imitate. He stood in the shallows, staring at the long lines of Raf’s body, and he was desperate to know what Raf looked like when he danced.

And then he thought about Raf sitting in his lap on the couch, and he remembered how it had felt to trace the lines of Raf’s legs with his hands, from his hips, to his knees, to his ankles. He had been wearing jeans, then, but in Justin’s mind, they were gone, and he was touching Raf’s skin, and their bodies were interlocking like they were made to, like they were _meant_ to…

_How do I tell him? What do I say?_

…And then Raf was up on his board, his feet planted, his shoulders set, and Justin threw his arms in the air. And Raf rode the wave to the shallows, and then hopped off the board, and pulled off his ankle strap, and ran in Justin’s direction, and threw his whole body at him. And they fell into the water together, laughing, their arms around each other.

“You saw??”

“I saw. You were perfect.”

Raf had his arms around Justin’s neck, and their noses were almost touching, but then Raf let go, glancing around them, and Justin wasn’t sure if Raf was embarrassed for himself, or worried that Justin would be. He wanted to say that he wasn’t. He wanted to be strong and confident, like Raf. But he felt small, surrounded by strangers, so he let go when Raf pulled away, but he smiled when he felt Raf’s hand on his waist, under the water.

“Justin… I’m having the best time.”

“Me, too.”

“You want to try to go together?”

“Yeah. In a minute.”

He put his hand on Raf’s lower back, and Raf smiled.

“Feels good.”

Raf looked around them again. There was no one else in the water close by, just a group of three guys on the sand a few yards away from them. He floated Justin’s board so it was between the two of them and the beach, and then lifted up on one side, resting it at an angle against his shoulder, like a shield.

“There,” he said. “Now it’s just you and me.”

Justin moved closer to him. He extended his arm over Raf’s shoulder to support some of the board’s weight, and he put his other hand around the back of Raf’s head, and kissed him. The board and the water made a small echo chamber around them, and their breathing was amplified, and Justin kissed Raf a little harder, and he was lost in the sounds he made. And Raf’s arm was tight around his waist, and his fingers were tight in Raf’s hair, and their bodies were pressed together, and the water was cold, but Raf was so, so warm.

Justin had only been drunk once in his life, and there were several reasons for that, which he preferred not to think about. But he did remember a dizzy sort of lightness, and kissing Raf was like that – except it wasn’t at all, it was infinitely better – and he did it over and over, until Raf made a sound that grounded him again. And he stopped, and the afternoon sun was blinding when he opened his eyes, and the space of a breath passed before Raf opened his, too.

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

Raf looked at him, his lips parted, his eyes reflecting gold in the sun, and Justin thought, _Please say it, whatever it is_ , but Raf flashed him a grin instead, and let go of the surfboard, and dunked Justin’s head under the water. Justin came up splashing, and blew a spray of water all over him-

“Ahh! Gross!”

-and then he tackled him into the surf, and they wrestled for a minute, laughing and spluttering. And somewhere in the back of his mind, Justin knew he had stumbled into something special and pure and perfect, and for a brief moment, he forgot what his life had been like before Raf had walked into it.

They spent another hour surfing together, and though Justin eventually found his stride, he knew he hadn’t come close to matching Raf’s graceful approach.

“I wish I could move like you do,” he said, after he’d spent several long minutes working up the courage. They were laying side-by-side on towels on the sand, their rash guards discarded, their eyes closed.

Raf rolled onto his stomach, his feet in the air, and looked at him.

“How do I move?”

Justin kept his eyes closed, because it felt safer.

“Like you’re dancing. Like you’re part of the water.”

Raf was quiet for a while, and then he said, “I wouldn’t want you to move like me. I want you to move like _you_.”

“How do I move?”

“Strong. Like you can force the water to do what you want it to.”

“I wish I could. I fell too much.”

“But… you’re not upset, right? That I was…”

“Better?” Justin asked, opening his eyes. “Of course not. Why? You really thought I’d be upset if you were better at surfing?”

“No. Yeah. Maybe.” Raf rested his chin on his arms, and Justin rolled onto his stomach and did the same.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s not you, it’s… it’s stupid. I used to date someone who was really competitive.”

Justin nodded. “Caleb.”

Raf raised his eyebrows, and Justin clarified.

“I met him at that same party we were all at.”

“Oh.”

“I know you weren’t together, then. I just heard that you used to be.”

“Yeah. Only for a few months, though. I mean, he’s a nice guy, and everything. But it wasn’t a good fit.”

“Because he tried to compete with you too much?”

Raf sighed. “That was part of it. He was really into working out, and how he looked, and everything. I like staying active, but… I never really had fun when we would do those things together. And it wasn’t just athletics. I know he always felt really superior that he was out to his family, and I wasn’t. He used to try to set ‘goals’ for me, to eventually tell my parents. And it just made me want to put it off even more. He didn’t understand what things were like with my family. He didn’t understand why I needed to… take things slow.”

Justin got the sense that he was talking about more than just coming out. He sat up on his elbows.

“He didn’t _force_ you, or anything… did he?”

“Oh, God, no. But… he did pressure me, though.”

Justin remembered Raf telling him he’d only had sex once. “Is he the person you…?”

“Yeah. Just that one time. We broke up the next day.”

“Why?”

Raf looked profoundly sad. “Because I didn’t love him, and I knew it, and I let him talk me into sleeping with him, anyway. I hated both of us for that, for a while.”

Justin’s heart ached. He was uncomfortably familiar with the concept of self-loathing, and he couldn’t stand the idea of Raf being in that kind of pain. He shifted a little closer to him, so that their elbows were touching.

“I’m sorry.”

Raf shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m not, anymore. I’ve updated my view on virginity since then. But it was hard, after how I grew up.” He paused, and then pressed his arm against Justin’s. “I’m sure it’s been really hard for you, too.”

Justin nodded.

“So… what’s your view on virginity, now?”

Raf thought for a while. “Well, I don’t really believe in it, anymore. Not in the biblical sense. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong or shameful about sex, or anything morally significant about doing it for the first time. But I think it can be an evil thing, if people do it for the wrong reasons, or use it to hurt each other, or themselves. I’m only sad about what happened with Caleb because… I wish it had happened with someone who really loved me.”

Justin swallowed against the lump in his throat. Part of him wanted to go find Caleb and take a swing at him, and part of him wanted to fold Raf into his arms. But he didn’t do either of those things.

“I think it’ll be worth the wait, when it finally happens again,” he said, and Raf smiled.

“For you, too.”

Justin considered telling him, then: what had happened to him in high school, in the boys’ locker room, and how he had let it distort his view of sex and homosexuality. How he still dreamed about rough hands on his neck and back, and the taste of metal. How he wasn’t sure if he could ever really get past it, enough to let someone touch him the way he wanted to be touched.

But he didn’t tell him. The words were bitter in his mouth, and Raf was sweet, and safe, and Justin wanted him to stay that way.

“So… do you still believe in anything else from the Bible?” he asked. “Or from church, or what your parents tried to teach you?”

Raf nodded. “I believe in good and evil. Maybe not the same way the Bible explains it, but… I think the people who wrote it were just doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. I believe that we’re responsible for each other’s well-being. And that we have the potential to be part of something much bigger and better than just ourselves.”

Justin smiled. The words felt comforting and familiar.

“What about you?” Raf asked him. “What do you believe?”

Justin’s heart started beating a little faster. He didn’t talk about his beliefs with _anyone_ , except for Allison, and it had been years since they’d broached the subject.

“You promise you won’t judge?”

Raf tilted his head to one side. “Justin. It’s me. You’re safe.”

He took a long breath.

“Okay. Well… I don’t really believe in most of it, anymore. But the idea of heaven has always stuck with me. I believe we have souls. I believe you’re still a person, even after your body dies. And I know I can’t prove it,” he said, already backpedaling. “Or maybe there’s evidence against it. But I just _feel_ like my mind is more than just my _brain_ , you know? And even if someone could show me exactly how it isn’t true, I’d probably still believe it. It’s like, if I really let all of it go – everything I thought I knew when I was younger – I feel like there would be nothing left of the person I used to be. Or the person my parents wanted me to be. And I don’t even want to _be_ that person anymore, but… I don’t know. I know it doesn’t make any sense.”

Raf put his fingers under Justin’s chin, just for a moment.

“It does. It makes perfect sense to me.”

“Really?”

“Really. And if it matters at all, I believe you have a soul, too.”

Justin held his gaze, and he forgot to care that they were in a public place, or that they’d only known each other for a few days, or that they hadn’t put a label on this beautiful thing that was happening between them. He leaned over and kissed Raf’s lips, and pressed their foreheads together.

_“It does. It matters.”_

Raf kissed his cheek.

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Let’s go home.”_


	7. Chapter 7

“Okay. I’m just getting worse at this point. Want to take over?”

“No way. I’m half asleep.” Raf rubbed at his eyes. “Do you think Jack will still let me edit for him when he finds out I suck at Overwatch?”

“You don’t. You’re just tired. It’s been a long day.”

“The _best_ day.”

Justin smiled.

“Yeah. The best.”

It was after 9 PM, and they were sitting together on Justin’s couch. They’d grabbed a quick dinner on their way back from the beach, realizing that they still needed to set up a second PC at Justin’s apartment in case Mark and Jack wanted them to join the stream for gaming the next day. They’d been testing out the setup – a spare monitor on the coffee table, and the mouse and keyboard on a lap tray – but their hearts weren’t in it.

“Hey, Raf?”

“Mm?” Raf had let his head fall onto Justin’s shoulder.

“So… we’ve played video games together a couple of times, and… I think I remember some trash talking, on both sides.”

Raf giggled. “God, I love Mario Kart. We should play tomorrow.”

“So that was okay? I mean, I heard what you said earlier, about competition. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t take things too far.”

Raf lifted his head and looked at him. “Huh. You’re right. We got a little… heated.” He smiled.

“It was fun, right?”

“Yeah. It was. I think video games are different than the physical stuff, for some reason. And I was having so much fun with you… I didn’t even notice.”

“Okay. I’ll follow your lead. Just tell me if I cross a line.”

“I know you won’t. I trust you.” Raf stood up from the couch and stretched, then looked around Justin’s living space. “Okay. Your turn. I’m sure you like things to be a certain way, here. What can I do to make sure you’re comfortable when I’m here?”

Justin set aside the lap tray and stood up, too.

“I am comfortable. You don’t have to-”

“Justin. You can tell me. Please. I want you to.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay… um… I hate the idea of stains on the coffee table. I always use a coaster.”

“Not a problem.”

“And I don’t like leaving dishes out overnight… and I don’t like running the dishwasher right before I go to bed, because I know the dishes will be clean in the middle of the night, just sitting in there… so if I don’t have time to run it before I go to sleep, I set the delay so it’ll finish right when I get up, and… wow, I sound like a complete crazy person. I’m sorry. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

Raf picked up both of Justin’s hands. “You’re doing great. What else?”

“Uh… if you need to use my toothpaste, or shaving cream, or any of that stuff, maybe just tell me first? I don’t mind if you do, I really don’t, but it… I don’t know. It just feels better if I know ahead of time.”

Raf smiled. “I will. I promise.” He let go of Justin’s hands, then picked up the two glasses they’d been drinking from, and brought them into the kitchen. Justin followed him.

“What time do you want to get up for the stream?” Raf asked. “Seven?”

“Yeah. That should work.”

Raf put the glasses in the dishwasher. “Show me how to set the timer?”

Justin did, blushing faintly, because comfort and gratitude had taken up residence inside of him where embarrassment usually lived. Because Raf was trying to fit himself into his home, into his life. Because Raf had been examining his flaws more closely than anyone else ever had, and yet here he was, yawning in his kitchen, wearing his clothes. Spending the night.

“Easy enough. Anything else?”

Justin shook his head. “Thank you. Everything’s good.”

“Bed?”

“Yeah.”

Raf picked up his hand and led the way to the bedroom, and Justin shut the door behind them. He took his phone out of his pocket and set an alarm, and then he plugged it in and put it on his night stand.

And then Raf was by his side – Raf’s arms were sliding around his waist – and they were kissing each other, and climbing into bed together. And Justin was on his back, and Raf was hovering over him – their hands were in each other’s hair – and Raf’s lips were so soft, and his hands were so gentle. This was nothing like the night before, on the couch. That had been a flash of fire, all heat and frenzy, and it had been perfect, but over so fast. This was a slow burn, deliberate and measured. They kissed each other with slow precision, and Justin thought he must be learning every corner of Raf’s mouth by heart, and he was dizzy, and he was sighing, and he was thinking, _It feels like you could love me._

And then Raf slid his knee over Justin’s hip, and Justin turned so they were chest to chest, and their legs were intertwined, and Justin could feel the heat from Raf’s body through his shirt and shorts-

Justin stopped, because Raf was hard, and he was, too, and their cocks were pressed together through their clothes.

_“Justin? Too much?”_

_“No. I just… I don’t know what to do.”_

_“Do you want to stop?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay. Promise you’ll tell me if you do?”_

_“Yeah. I promise.”_

_“Good.”_ Raf took Justin’s hand, which had been resting on his ribcage, and slid it down his side, and then around to his lower back. _“I think we should keep our shorts on. But you can touch me, if you want to.”_

Justin nodded, and swallowed, and held his breath, and slid his hand down to the curve of Raf’s ass. And as soon as he was touching Raf there, he knew he’d been dying to do it, and Raf was nodding, so he _squeezed_ , and Raf closed his eyes, and bit his lower lip, and rocked against him.

At first, Justin was too nervous to process what he felt, and he had a brief moment of panic, imagining where Raf’s hands might wander to- but they were safe around his neck, and Raf was so beautiful, looking back at him like that-

_“Justin. It’s okay. I want you to.”_

And he moved his hand in a slow circle – _“Yeah, like that…” –_ and then he slid his hand down to Raf’s inner thigh, and back up again, and Raf nodded, and rocked against him again, and Justin really felt it this time – felt Raf throbbing through his shorts, felt Raf’s fingers digging into the back of his neck – and Justin kissed his open mouth, and the slow burn between them started to smolder. Raf’s knee was still  resting on top of his hip, and Justin ran his hand down from Raf’s lower back, over his ass, and down the back of his thigh, and then he _pulled_ Raf’s body closer, and Raf whimpered a little, close to his ear.

And Justin thought that sound alone might be enough to push him over the edge, but then Raf’s mouth was on his neck, and he saw stars behind his closed eyelids, and he wondered vaguely how Raf knew exactly how he wanted to be touched, when he barely knew himself. And he felt Raf’s tongue moving where his neck met his shoulder, and he slid his hand back up to Raf’s ass and kneaded his palm against him, and he was grinding Raf’s body against himself again and again, and _Oh, God,_ he felt so good-

_“Mh-”_

Raf was making small noises, his mouth still pressed hard against Justin’s shoulder, and Justin heard his own voice, too-

_“Ah-”_

And then Raf’s body was changing in his arms – Justin felt it happening – and he went from soft and fluid to tense and sharp, his hand pressing painfully into Justin’s shoulder blade, his leg tight around Justin’s hip, his knee pressing hard into Justin’s side. And Justin felt that same tension in his belly, and there was just _barely_ enough friction, so he squeezed Raf even tighter, and pulled him even closer, and he felt it when it happened – he felt Raf’s cock twitch and pulse through too many layers of fabric – and Raf’s face was buried against his neck, and Justin held him while a shudder went through him from his neck to his knees, and his muffled voice was high and sweet and broken-

And Justin forced his eyes open, and Raf was on top of him in the dark, and he felt his limbs go rigid around Raf’s body, and there was a plateau of almost-bliss, the moment stretching as Raf’s hips jerked against him – twice, three times – and then Justin opened his mouth, and he pressed his cheek against Raf’s forehead, and he came while Raf was still shaking in his arms.

And then Raf was straddling him – moving slowly against him, kissing him so sweetly – and they rode the aftershocks together. And they were just kissing, fully clothed – Justin knew that – but this was the single most intimate thing that had ever happened to him, and it was still happening, and he was trying to kiss Raf’s lips, but his breath kept catching in his chest-

_“Justin?”_

And his cheeks were wet, and he couldn’t stop it, and Raf was sliding off of him, and pulling him upright-

_“Justin? What happened? What’s wrong?”_

Justin shook his head, but he couldn’t speak – he didn’t have any words for what he was feeling – so he leaned forward, and put his arms around Raf’s back, and rested his head on Raf’s chest. He wasn’t sobbing, but tears were still falling, and Raf was speaking quietly to him-

_“You’re okay, it’s okay-”_

And he squeezed his eyes shut, and held Raf tighter, and all he could manage to say was, _“I’m sorry. Please don’t go.”_

And Raf kissed the top of his head, and rubbed slow circles against his back, and said, _“I won’t. I’m here.”_

* * *

 

Justin woke up when his alarm went off at seven the next morning. He groped for it on his night stand, and silenced it, and rolled over.

Raf was there next to him, already awake. He was sitting cross-legged against the headboard with a book in his lap.

“Hey,” he said, his expression uncharacteristically neutral.

“Hey.” Justin sat up. “Did you sleep?”

“A little bit.” He held up Justin’s copy of _The Golden Compass._ “I raided your bookcase. I promise I’ll put it back right where it was.”

Justin shook his head. “I don’t mind. Really. You can borrow it, if you want.”

Raf ran his fingers over the worn pages and the creases in the spine. “I have a copy. It looks a lot like this.”

“You’ve read it?”

“Yeah. A bunch of times.”

“Allison gave it to me. My sister. She said she thought it would help me, once I started trying to get some distance from my parents and church and everything. It really did, too.”

“’The universe is full of intentions,’” Raf quoted. “’Everything happens for a purpose.’” He touched his fingertips to the corner of the page, where Justin had folded it down to mark it. “I never would’ve matched you with this book, before this week.”

Justin’s heart was thrumming, hearing Raf talk about his favorite book. But he was on his guard. There was something off about Raf’s tone.

“Hey… I’m really sorry about last night.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Raf said, without any particular inflection.

“I do, though. I was just… _overwhelmed._ And-”

“Justin.” Raf’s voice was almost pleading. “Don’t tell me right now, okay? I’m… I’m not having the easiest time.”

Justin could see that it was true. Raf’s eyes were shining, and his fingers were tense around the book he was still holding.

_He thinks I’m going to hurt him. He thinks I’m going to break his heart. And no wonder. I’m a fucking disaster._

“I’m here,” Justin said, because that was what Raf had said to him the night before. “I’ll do whatever you need.”

“I just need to make it through the stream.”

_Fuck. Right. The stream. His parents._

“You will,” he said, trying to sound reassuring. “It’ll be okay. Do you want some breakfast?”

Raf shook his head. “Maybe later.”

“Water?”

“Yeah.”

Justin slid out of bed and went to the kitchen, grateful for something to do. He filled a glass with ice – Raf liked his water really cold, just like he did – and he chewed on his lower lip while he filled it with water from the fridge.

He thought about trying to tell Raf how he felt. About last night, and the night before, and about everything that had been happening between them. But he didn’t trust himself. The words just wouldn’t come together in his mind, and his heart threatened to bang its way out of his chest every time he thought about saying any of it out loud.

And what could Raf possibly say right now, anyway? Justin would be opening the door to a long, emotionally-charged conversation that neither of them were prepared to have. He knew Raf had feelings for him – they had both said as much – but if Raf wanted things to become more serious between them, wouldn’t he have said so? Justin had been sure they were on the verge of something greater, the night before. It had been erotic and desperate, but also sweet, and passionate, and _loving_.

At least, Justin had thought so. He felt a wave of sadness, considering the possibility that last night hadn’t meant the same thing for Raf that it had for him. Or maybe it had, but it didn’t anymore, because of the way Justin had reacted afterward. Because he couldn’t behave like a normal human being - not even for one night, not even when it mattered the most.

Maybe it was already over. Maybe it was all his fault.

He stood up on his tiptoes and opened the cabinet above his fridge, and pulled out a bag of mini peanut butter cups. He poured a few into his hand, then replaced the bag, and went back to the bedroom, grabbing a coaster from the coffee table on his way.

Raf was just as he’d left him – reading, or staring at the book in his lap – and Justin put the coaster and the water on the night stand, and then sat down next to him. He held out his hand, and Raf stared at the foil-wrapped chocolates, and then at Justin.

“…I hid them,” Justin said, when Raf was still silent after an extended pause. “So you can’t eat the whole bag. But you can have a few now, if you want. And if you beat me at Mario Kart later, you can have a few more.”

Raf took the small handful of peanut butter cups. He looked at them for another moment, then put them on the night stand. And then he leaned forward, and slid his arms around Justin’s shoulders, and hugged him.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he said. “I don’t think I could do this by myself.”

“Good thing you don’t have to,” Justin said, leaning his head against Raf’s, breathing in the smell of him. He wanted to cover Raf’s neck and face in kisses. He wanted to pull him back under the covers and live last night over again. But he didn’t.

Eventually, Raf let him go. And then he picked up one of the peanut butter cups, unwrapped it carefully, and put it in his mouth. He chewed it slowly, smoothing the wrapper between his fingers until it was a perfect circle, and then he placed it carefully on the night stand.

“The bathroom’s all yours,” Justin told him. “I’m going to make some food, in case you’re hungry later. Oh-” he stood up, pulling gently on Raf’s arm, and Raf followed him into the closet. Justin opened one of his top drawers, where he’d carefully folded and stored the clothes that Raf had left at his apartment, and the ones he’d borrowed and taken home with him. “In case you want to wear your own clothes,” he said.

Raf was staring again, his eyes fixed on the clothes in the drawer, and Justin couldn’t decipher his expression.

“…You actually did it,” he eventually said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I thought you just said it without thinking,” Raf clarified, looking at Justin, now. “I didn’t think you were actually going to clean out a drawer for me.”

“I did say it without thinking. But I meant it.”

“Jesus, Justin,” Raf said, exasperated, now. “Of all the scary things that have been happening here… this doesn’t scare you?” He gestured to the drawer.

“No,” Justin said, shaking his head, wincing a little at the sharpness in Raf’s voice.

“Shit.” Raf reached for his hand, and Justin felt incredible relief as soon as their fingers were intertwined. “I think I might be losing my mind, a little bit. It’s not you. I’m sorry.” He leaned his head against Justin’s shoulder. “This is… a really big deal, for me.”

Justin closed his eyes and risked a small kiss on the top of his head.

“It is for me, too.”

“I know.”

Raf hugged him, briefly – Justin barely had time to get his arms around him – and then he pulled away, and the moment was over.

Raf asked to borrow Justin’s shaving cream, and Justin showed him where it was, and then retreated to the kitchen while Raf shut himself inside the bathroom. He didn’t want to leave Raf alone; he wanted to undress him slowly and step under the water together. He wanted to put his hands on Raf’s bare skin. He wanted to make everything better.

But right now, it seemed like the best way to do that was to stay away, and hope that Raf would come back to him.

He made enough food for the both of them, and he made himself busy when he heard Raf leave the bathroom and go back to the bedroom to get dressed. And then Raf was there in the kitchen, showered and shaved and dressed, but not in his own clothes. He was wearing one of Justin’s black t-shirts, and a pair of his gray sweatpants. Justin wasn’t sure what this meant, but he took it as a good sign.

They talked through their plan for the morning once more while they ate, and then Justin took a quick shower while Raf touched base with Jack and checked on their equipment. Raf was still testing the audio connection in Justin’s bedroom when he came in to get dressed, and Raf smiled at him, and let his eyes wander to the towel around his waist. Justin wondered if Raf might leave the room altogether, but he didn’t. He just spun the chair around and went back to what he was doing.

Justin went into his closet and pulled on a pair of boxers and the black shorts Raf had let him borrow; they were his favorite, now. They would only be on camera from the waist up, and Raf had decided to be comfortable, so he figured he’d do the same. He chose a plain white t-shirt – also Raf’s, and thankfully tag-less – and then he took his pill, and logged it into his phone. Then he brought an extra chair in from the kitchen, and placed it next to Raf, and sat down, because it was just after 8:00, and Mark and Jack could be calling them anytime.

“You can have your chair back,” Raf told him.

“I’m good here.”

“Okay.”

Raf was fidgeting with his hands, massaging one set of fingers with the other. “We should probably log in and watch.”

“Raf.”

Raf looked at him, and he looked _scared_ , and Justin didn’t know how to be the brave one, but was trying to learn, so he took both of Raf’s hands and held them.

“You’re going to do great. So many people are going to be looking up to you, and they should. You’re amazing. You can do this. And whatever happens after… we’ll figure it out. I know we will. Okay?”

Raf stared at him, and then kissed him. But it was too soft – too hesitant – and Justin knew Raf needed confidence, so he slid his arms around Raf’s waist, and slipped his hands under his shirt, and pulled him close. And he kissed Raf hard and deep, and Raf’s hands were in his hair, and Justin took his lower lip between his teeth and _pulled_ , and Raf made a lovely sound. And then he laughed, and they laughed together, and hugged each other.

“Thank you,” Raf said. “I think I really needed that.”

Justin sighed, his chin resting on Raf’s shoulder.

“Me, too.”

They held on for a while longer, and then logged onto the livestream to watch Mark and Jack in action. They were still introducing the stream and the charity, and Mark was in the middle of his spiel.

“…if you’re one of those people who just doesn’t get it… if you have a hard time accepting diversity in preference, orientation, and expression – for whatever reason – I hope you can take this opportunity to set that discomfort aside and join us on a human level today. Members of the LGBTQ+ community are vulnerable. They’re more likely to be victims of violence and harassment. They’re less likely to graduate from high school. Your opinion about their lifestyle really doesn’t matter… they still deserve your compassion and your respect…”

“God… look at Jack’s _face_ ,” Raf said, his fingertips brushing his own cheek involuntarily.

Justin had been trying not to. There was a collage of purple and yellow bruising around Jack’s nose and eyes that made him feel nauseous to look at.

“I know. But look how happy they are,” he said. And it was true. Jack and Mark were both beaming.

“Yeah. They do look happy. It’ll be such a relief, I bet. To have everything out in the open.”

“Yeah. It will.”

They watched as Mark and Jack introduced Bob and Wade and checked the donation page, and then Justin’s phone buzzed on the desk. It was a text from Mark, asking if they were ready to get on camera.

“Okay, it’s time,” Justin said. “Any last words?”

“Yeah,” Raf said. “Thanks for being here with me.”

Justin kissed his cheek, then typed back to Mark. He muted and minimized the stream feed, and answered the Skype call when it came through. A new window appeared, and Mark and Jack were there on the other side of the screen, grinning back at them. Jack waved happily, and they both waved back, caught up in his enthusiasm.

“…Many of you know that I’m a wreck when I don’t have an editor,” Mark was explaining, “and I never would have been able to get ready for this trip or this stream without Justin. He was also a huge help to me when I was still recovering from my surgery. If you’ve seen my videos lately, you know he’s an awesome editor, but he’s a great dude, too. Say hi, Justin.”

Justin raised a hand to the camera, feeling a wave of gratitude that his relationship with Mark had evolved to this place. “Thanks. I’m really happy to be working with Mark.”

“Fer those of you who are asking ‘Who’s the other guy?’…that’s Raf!” Jack explained. “He’s been editing fer me, and doing a pretty spectacular job of it, too. He’s ridiculously efficient, I never would’ve been able to take this trip without him. He’s a fantastic editor, and I’m happy to say he’s a great friend, too.”

Justin looked at Raf, who had both hands on his cheeks. He was shaking his head, looking both embarrassed and thrilled.

“Working with Jack is  _literally_ a dream come true, for me,” he said. “And… I just wanted to say…”

Justin, Jack, and Mark waited patiently, giving Raf a moment to collect his thoughts.

“…I just  _needed_ to say… this charity is really important. Thank you  _so_ much to those of you who have donated. It… it means a lot.”

“Thanks, Raf,” Mark said. “So…” He was addressing the audience at large, now. “I’m seeing your messages come through. We have time for a couple quick questions for these guys…” He chuckled. “Justin… they want to know if I’m still impossible to work with. It’s fine, you can tell the truth, I can’t hurt you from Cincinnati.”

 Justin cracked a faint smile. “I’d heard those rumors, too, before I signed on. I’m guessing Mark used to be a  _much_ bigger asshole. I’d love to give him a hard time, but honestly, he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.”

Mark sighed. “To be clear, I  _did_ used to be a much bigger asshole. I’m working on it.”

Jack smiled in Mark’s direction before addressing Raf. “’Kay, Raf. They want to know if yeh’re single.”

Raf stared back at him through the camera. “Seriously? That’s what they’re asking?”

“Among other things. So?”

Justin stole a glance at Raf, who was composed, but blushing.

“Uhm… I’m not sure if ‘single’ is the word I would choose to describe myself.”

Justin forced himself to look back at the camera. He could feel his cheeks growing hot, and he knew he was holding his breath, and Raf had struggled to answer the question, which meant-

“Excellent,” Jack said cheerily, snapping Justin back to reality.

“Speaking of excellent,” Mark cut in, “we just hit our first milestone. That has to be a record… $25,000 in… like… what… fifteen minutes?”

“Jesus… well done, all of yeh… that’s  _amazing…_ ” Jack said.

“…Alright, guys, we’ll let you go for now,” Mark told them. “And to everyone at home- if you’d like to see more of these fools, let us know. Maybe we can convince them to hop on Overwatch later on.”

Raf and Justin both nodded. “Good luck!” Raf said, giving them a thumbs-up before the call disconnected.

Justin shut the window and closed the application, just to be safe.

“See?” he said, his eyes still on the screen, his mind still reeling a bit. “You did great.”

“Justin…”

He looked at Raf.

“Yeah?”

“Um… I think Jack knows. I mean, I think he can tell.”

Justin nodded. “Yeah. It seems like it.”

“So… are you… okay?”

Justin made a face, puzzled. “Yeah, I’m… oh. You thought I wouldn’t want him to know?”

“Well… yeah.”

“No. I hope he does know. Why? Did you want to try to keep it from them?”

“God, no, I just thought… I mean, I would’ve. For you.”

Justin shook his head. “I’d never ask you to do that.”

Raf tilted his head to the side, like he was having trouble understanding what Justin was saying. Justin sighed.

“Raf… remember when you said, like, ‘Don’t assume you know how I feel, wait until I tell you myself,’ or something like that? So… same goes for me. Can you try not to assume I’m going to let you down? I’m trying really hard not to do that.”

Raf stood up from his chair, pulling Justin with him, and then hugged him close.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m so sorry, Justin. You’ve never let me down. Not once.”

Justin closed his eyes, feeling relief, loving the way Raf’s body was melting against him.

 _“So… expect me to do the right thing,”_ he said. _“Expect me to be good. Then maybe I will be.”_

 _“You are good.”_ Raf was kissing his hair, and his cheek _. “You are good.”_ And then they were kissing each other lightly, and they barely paused to make their way to the living room couch. Justin set the stream to play through his TV while Raf pressed soft kisses against the back of his neck, and then they sat down in a tangle of limbs, and they kissed each other so slowly, and so sweetly, for a long, long time. And when Raf finally put some space between them, his lips were pink, and his hair was tousled, and Justin brushed it back from his eyes. And then he put a throw pillow in Justin’s lap, and he laid down there, facing the TV.

And then Raf’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and they both heard it, and Raf took a long breath before he pulled it out and checked his messages. Justin did his best to look away from the screen, but he felt Raf starting to fold in on himself – he pulled his knees a little closer to his chest, and pulled his shoulders inward – and he was sniffling when he put the phone down on the coffee table, but Justin couldn’t see his face. And then Raf groped for one of Justin’s hands, and pulled it tight against his chest, and Justin held him, and stroked his hair, and told him, _“It’s going to be okay.”_

* * *

 

 

Justin must have nodded off at some point, because Raf was saying his name and squeezing his hand.

_“Hey. Justin. It’s time.”_

He lifted his head, and found that Raf hadn’t moved. His head was still in his lap. Justin’s hand was still in his hair.

_“Huh?”_

_“They just met their milestone.”_

“Really?” Justin was wide awake now, staring at Mark and Jack on the screen.

 _Sean._ Mark had called Jack by his real name. Justin knew that it was something special between the two of them. He’d heard Mark use it a handful of times, and noticed the way Jack’s whole face came to life when he heard it. He looked that way, now, though he looked sad, too, as he started to tell the story of what had happened in the parking lot.

And Raf was squeezing Justin’s hand so tight, and he was crying quietly, his shoulders shaking in Justin’s lap. And Mark and Jack were kissing each other in front of millions of people, and Justin was pulling Raf against his chest, and they were crying together, alone in Justin’s apartment.

Justin cried because Mark and Jack were beautiful, and strong. And because Jack winced in pain as Mark kissed him. And because he could feel Raf’s pain inside himself, like it was his own. And because his old life had ended in that parking lot, and he was afraid, because he knew he could never go back. And because he didn’t want to. Because he was in love.

He held Raf for a while, until they couldn’t ignore their buzzing phones anymore, and then Raf sat up, and wiped the tears from his face, and from Justin’s.

“They’re going to want us to hop on for Overwatch,” he said, his voice muffled, his thumb still on Justin’s cheek. “God, I wish we could skip it.”

Justin shook his head. “We can do it for them. It’s the least we can do.”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“I’ll tell Mark no face cams. Audio only. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Justin typed the message. Then they took turns in the bathroom cleaning up, and Justin went to the bedroom to join the game, while Raf stayed in the living room with the extra PC. Justin didn’t want to leave him, but he knew it would be good for Raf to keep his mind occupied for a while, and he had a feeling that Mark and Jack’s positive energy would probably work wonders.

And it did. None of them were particularly fantastic at the game, but Raf and Justin were especially bad, and there was plenty of light-hearted trash talking to go around, along with a never-ending sequence of spectacular fumbles, deaths and defeats. Justin found himself having fun, and he could tell that Raf was, too. And when they finally logged off, Justin found Raf in the living room looking calm and settled.

He made them sandwiches in the kitchen, and they ate together while they watched the rest of the stream. And when it was finally over, Raf said, “Let’s go for a run.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin was laying on his back in the grass at the park, enjoying the familiar feeling of his heart rate returning to normal after a challenging bout of exercise. He had run at least a mile more than he usually did, keeping pace with Raf the whole time, and he had finally called it quits, while Raf had opted to do more one loop alone. He was vaguely concerned, but he hadn’t tried to talk Raf out of it. He had to trust Raf to know his own limits, and to know when it was necessary to push past them. He guessed that this was one of those times. He knew Raf had been receiving messages throughout the day that were profoundly upsetting, and he guessed that Raf would probably keep running until he was ready to talk.

He stretched his legs until he heard pounding footfalls approaching, and then he propped himself up on his elbows to watch Raf round the bend, enjoying the sight of Raf’s long, lean body running in his direction.

Raf pulled up short about a foot away from him and bent double with his hands on his thighs, breathing hard.

“I need to… fall down… now,” he said. Justin laughed, and Raf flopped down onto the grass next to him. “Uhhhh. I already regret that.”

“Where’s it hurt?”

“Eeeeverywhere.”

Justin moved his arm closer to him and nudged Raf’s hand with his knuckles, and Raf threaded their fingers together.

“Oh. Better already.”

They laid there in silence, looking upward, until Raf’s breathing had returned to normal. Then he squeezed Justin’s hand, and said, “It’s Francisco. Frankie. My brother.”

Justin’s mind hung onto the way Raf said _Francisco_. His accent had been completely different when he’d said the name. It occurred to him that he’d never actually heard Raf speaking Spanish, and that felt wrong somehow. He had started to feel like he knew Raf so well. But there was a lot he didn’t know.

“What is he saying?”

Raf sighed. “Word got around. I posted the links to the stream and the charity on my Facebook page. A couple of my cousins caught some of the stream. My parents already know about Jack and Mark. They’re waiting for me to call them.”

“I’m guessing they didn’t react well?”

“No. And my cousins are already spamming me. At best I’m encouraging sinful behavior. At worst I’m protecting pedophiles and rapists. It’s…” He swallowed, still staring up at the sky. “I’m going to have to clean up my Facebook page. I just hope Jack doesn’t see it.”

Justin squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”

Raf shrugged. “I knew it was coming. I can handle the Facebook stuff. I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk to my parents, yet. I think I want to sleep on it.”

Justin rolled up onto his elbow and looked down at Raf’s face.

“Stay with me tonight.” He didn’t bother trying to make it sound like a question.

Raf nodded.

“I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

They picked up dinner on their way back to Justin’s apartment and ate at his kitchen table, and then Justin took some time to respond to the messages he’d been ignoring all day while Raf took a shower. Justin hadn’t advertised the stream on social media – he’d barely contributed any content to his own Facebook page – but Christopher and Antonio had followed Mark’s channel even before Justin had started editing for him, and Gabe was, now, too. They had all texted him, expressing varying degrees of surprise about Mark and Jack’s relationship, and letting him know that they had donated to the charity. He sat on his bed with his phone and typed back to thank them all, ignoring their less-than-subtle probing about how his weekend was going. He knew they’d seen him and Raf together on camera, and he knew they were starting to put the pieces together. He wasn’t exactly trying to hide what was happening… but what _was_ happening? He still didn’t know, and he didn’t feel comfortable sharing more information until he’d talked to Raf about it.

He tapped into the messages he’d received from Allison throughout the day.

 

Ally: Look at you, supporting an LGBT charity! Proud of you! Donating now!

 

Justin wasn’t surprised by this reaction. Allison’s best friend, Christine, was a lesbian, and had been out to pretty much everyone since she and Allison were in high school together. Justin had been young, then, and fully indoctrinated by his parents’ belief system. They hadn’t approved of Christine, and had tried to keep Allison from spending time with her, and Justin had sided with his parents, back then. But then Allison had stuck by him through his own tenure at Catholic high school – the most difficult years of his life – and he had vowed to stop holding Christine’s orientation against her, for Allison’s sake. He cringed, thinking back on the arguments he and Ally had had about it over the years. He owed them both a serious apology.

 

Ally: Your friend Raf is super cute.

Ally: Oh, he’s not single, huh? No surprise there

Ally: And oh, poor Jack! What happened? Or are you not allowed to say?

Ally: I know you don’t care but wow, Mark is cute, too. Is he single?

Ally: They’re so funny together! This is hilarious

Ally: STOP IT. THEY’RE GAY?? TOGETHER?? STOP IT!

Ally: I’m crying, are you crying?

Ally: Please don’t judge me when you read this later

Ally: Wow you guys are kind of terrible at this game

Ally: I’m crying again, this is the best thing ever, Christine is going to die

Ally: Wait… Jack said they got jumped late at night, in a parking lot

Ally: After the movie??? Were you there??? Justin, call me when you can, please

 

 _Shit._ It hadn’t occurred to him that Allison might put those pieces together. He knew she would make herself sick worrying about him, so he tapped on her name and called her.

 

“Justin?? Are you okay??”

“Hey, Ally, I’m _fine_. I’m sorry, I just had a lot going on today.”

“I know. The stream was amazing. You did a really great job. And, wow… crazy about Mark and Jack, huh? Or… did you already know?”

“Uhm. Yeah. I’ve known for a while.”

“That makes sense. That’s really cool, Justin. But… you weren’t in that parking lot, were you? Are you hurt?”

“No. I mean, yeah, I was there, just in time to watch those guys run off. I’m fine, I just… I don’t know. It was really disturbing. I was at the hospital with them all night that night.”

“By yourself? Why didn’t you call me?”

“I wasn’t by myself. Raf was there, too.”

“Okay. Well, I’m glad you weren’t alone. And, hey! You let Raf into your apartment, huh? Wasn’t that your bedroom I saw on camera?”

“Uh. Yeah, it was.”

“That’s so great, Justin. I’m really glad you’re having friends over.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Think you’ll have time for a visit, soon?”

“Definitely. I’ll text you. And… could you let me know, the next time you’re planning on seeing Christine?”

“Uh… sure. Why?”

 

Raf appeared in the doorway, wearing boxers and nothing else. Justin stared for a second before he remembered he was holding the phone to his ear.

 

“Uh… I really want to see her. I need to apologize. You know… for everything. For how I used to be.”

“Oh, Justin… she knows what things were like, with Mom and Dad. She gets it. She doesn’t hold it against you.”

“She should. You both gave me way more time than I deserved. I just want to tell her that myself.”

“Y’know, I really love you, kiddo.”

“Love you too.”

“Talk soon?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

 

Justin ended the call, and Raf emerged from his closet, wearing a clean pair of Justin’s sweatpants and a white t-shirt.

“That was my sister,” Justin said, hoping to head off any assumptions Raf might make based on what he’d heard.

Raf nodded. “Allison, right?”

“Yeah. She… tends to worry. It drove me nuts when I was in college, but… she’s kind of the best, honestly.” He made a face. “Don’t tell her I said that, though.”

Raf giggled. “Frankie’s the same way. Maybe they’d get along.”

“Francisco, right? You said Francisco, earlier.”

“Yeah.”

“Can you say it again?” Raf did, and Justin nodded. “It sounds like you’re speaking Spanish, when you say it.”

Raf laughed. “I guess I am.”

“Say something else?”

Raf looked toward the ceiling, then shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to come up with something when you’re on the spot.”

Justin picked up his copy of _The Golden Compass_ from his night stand and handed it to Raf.

“Could you, like, look at a page, and then say what it’s about? But in Spanish?”

“Sure.”

Raf flipped through the book for a moment before he settled on a page. He skimmed it silently, and then looked at Justin, and started summarizing the passage in Spanish. He spoke quickly, his accent light and lilting, and Justin was grinning by the time he was finished.

“Wow. It sounds so nice.”

Raf smiled, pleased. “Thanks. Do you know any Spanish?”

“Just from high school. _Oso_ means _bear_ , right?”

Raf nodded. “Very good!”

“I like listening. I think it’s cool that you know a whole other language.”

“I’ll speak Spanish for you whenever you want. I’ll try to think of some interesting things to say.”

Justin nodded. “So… what do you want to do tonight?”

“Play video games, watch a movie, and go to bed early.”

And so they did. They played their way through half of Justin’s library of classic console games, and then they watched the original _Iron Man_ movie – Raf leaning against Justin’s chest, Justin’s arms around him from behind – and then they crawled into Justin’s bed and laid down facing each other, their hands clasped together.

 _“Hey,”_ Justin whispered. _“You made it.”_

Raf nodded, blinking sleepily. _“Thanks to you.”_

_“It’s all going to get better. I know it will.”_

Raf shook his head. His eyes were already closed. _“This is as good as it gets.”_

And Justin wanted to kiss Raf until the sun came up, but he was already asleep. So he slid off of his pillow, and pressed his cheek against their clasped hands, and closed his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Justin managed to silence his alarm before it woke Raf the next morning. Raf was on his back with both arms over his head, his dark fringe falling messily over one eye. Justin resisted the urge to brush it back from his face, and he slid carefully out of the bed and went to his closet to take his pill. He went to the kitchen and downed a protein shake, and then he went back to the bedroom and found Raf awake and yawning, but still on his back.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Justin said. “We can go back to sleep.”

Raf groaned. “No way. I’m _way_ too sore. God, how many miles did I run yesterday?”

“Uh. Eight? Ten? I lost track.” Justin went to Raf’s side of the bed and sat down next to him.

“That… was stupid,” Raf declared.

“Therapeutic, though.”

“Yeah, and now I need three more kinds of therapy to deal with the aftermath.”

Raf flattened his arms against the mattress and shifted his hips from side to side. He groaned again.

“Still your right hip?”

“Uh huh.”

“I can help with that.”

Justin pulled the blankets back and got on his knees between Raf’s legs. He bent Raf’s right leg and pushed it slowly toward his chest, and then rocked it carefully from side to side. He did all of this without thinking, and it took him a few moments to interpret the expression on Raf’s face, and the change in Raf’s breathing.

“Justin…”

He froze for a moment, his hands clasped around Raf’s knee. And then he slid his hand slowly along the exposed skin of Raf’s inner thigh. And Raf took a shallow breath, and his skin was so smooth and warm, and Justin took his hand away and pressed his lips to the spot, instead. Raf was watching him, his eyes wide, and Justin kissed his thigh again, and once more-

And then Raf was up on his knees, too, and they were kissing each other, and it was fierce and desperate and messy and perfect. Raf’s hands were under Justin’s shirt, then sliding it up his back, then pulling it off, and Justin was pulling Raf’s shirt off, too, and holding Raf’s body against himself, and moaning aloud because they were chest-to-chest – skin-to-skin – and _Oh, God_ , Raf felt so good. And then Raf’s mouth was hot against his neck, and Justin’s eyes fell closed, and his mouth fell open, and he didn’t think he’d ever get used to the absolute bliss of Raf’s teeth grazing his skin.

And then Raf’s hands were on his lower back, and sliding down-

_Wait-_

His fingertips were inside Justin’s shorts and boxers-

_Wait- not there-_

His hands were on Justin’s ass, _squeezing_ and _pulling_ -

_No no nonono-_

And all of a sudden, they weren’t Raf’s hands, anymore. They were someone else’s. And they were rough, and they were pushing him, _forcing_ him, _hurting_ him. Someone else’s mouth was by his ear. Someone’s hand was painful and heavy against his cheek, pressing his face against a cold, smooth surface-

And Justin tasted metal, and saw black. And he pulled Raf’s arms away from him, and scrambled off of the bed, and he moved backward until his back hit the wall. And he flattened himself against it, his eyes squeezed shut, his chest so tight that it hurt to breathe, and to think, and to _be_.

“Justin…”

He opened his eyes, and Raf was sitting on the edge of the bed, his arms hugged close to his body.

_Fuck- No- Not again-_

He took his hands away from the wall, and ran them through his hair.

“Raf- I’m sorry-”

“No. _I’m_ sorry. I’m hurting you.” Raf’s voice sounded small.

“No, you’re not-”

“I am. I can tell.”

“No. That’s not it. I’m just… I’m not…”

“You’re not what?” Raf was looking at the floor. “You’re not gay?”

“I’m not _ready_ ,” Justin said, because it was as close to the truth as he could get, right then.

Raf nodded, his eyes still on the ground.

“It’s okay. It’s my fault. I think we both need some time. I need to get home, anyway. I have to call my parents.”

Justin wanted to argue. He wanted to beg Raf to stay. He wanted to kneel at Raf’s feet, and tell him the whole story.

But he didn’t do any of those things. He said, “I’m sorry.”

Raf looked up at him. “I care about you _so_ much, Justin. You know that, right?”

Justin tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He nodded. “I care about you, too.”

“I know. So… let’s just give it a little time.” Raf stood up from the bed. He paused, and Justin willed him to come closer, but he didn’t. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Justin didn’t trust himself to speak, so he nodded instead, and Raf tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were the saddest Justin had ever seen, and then he turned and walked out of the room.

Justin stood frozen in place until he heard the apartment door open and close, and then he slid down to the floor, and hugged his knees to his chest, and buried his face against the sleeve of his shirt.

Except it wasn’t his shirt. It was Raf’s.


	8. Chapter 8

The next twelve hours were agony. Justin lost count of the number of times he’d tapped into his text messages with Raf, only to toss the phone away from himself.

_He needs time. Give him time._

He went to the gym and stayed for longer than he should have. He cleaned every square centimeter of his kitchen. He did several hours of work at his desk, the volume turned up loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He made himself dinner – _Stick to the routine, just keep going_ – and he cleaned the kitchen again, when he was done.

By 8:00 PM he was pacing in his bedroom, staring at his phone, which was on his bed, where he’d thrown it. And he prayed that twelve hours was enough time, and he picked up the phone, because he couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Justin: I’m sorry about this morning. Are you ok?

 

He stared at the screen, and he waited, running his thumbs over the smooth edges of the phone again and again.

 

Raf: I’m sorry, too. I just need some time.

 

Justin’s heart thrummed. Raf was still there. Eventually they would talk, and Justin would find a way to tell him everything, and Raf would understand, because he was sweet, and kind, and good. Raf would come back to him. He would. He just needed some time.

But how much time? How long would Justin have to wait? And how would he keep himself from coming apart at the seams? If he could just convince Raf to see him, to talk to him, everything would be better. Raf could make it okay. Raf could fix everything.

_No. He can’t._

Justin stood up from the bed and dropped the phone onto the comforter, recognizing an unhealthy pattern of thought. He heard someone else’s voice in his head – his therapist, back when he’d needed one regularly – telling him to fix things for himself.

_You can feel angry and sad and upset. But your illness is no one’s fault. It’s not your fault, or your sister’s fault, or your parents’ fault. It’s not your teachers’ fault, or your teammates’ fault. It’s their fault if they’re assholes, but it’s not their fault you have OCD._

Justin had been ready to take a swing at Dr. Denney the first time he’d heard that speech, and the second and third time, too. But he’d replayed it in his mind countless times since then, because he had eventually recognized it as truth, and that truth had been his saving grace. Learning to take responsibility for his symptoms and his own well-being had allowed him to function, and form relationships, and take pride in his skills and his accomplishments. It was why Allison was still in his life. It was why he’d graduated with honors from college. It was why he could function on a soccer team, and hold down a job, and have dinner with friends.

It was why he’d been able to let Raf get close to him.

And he knew they could never be together, if he tried to make Raf responsible for his mental health. It wasn’t Raf’s job to save him. And it wasn’t Raf’s fault that he felt like all the oxygen had gone out of the world.

He picked up the phone again, and tapped at the screen, and held it up to his ear.

“Ally? Can you come down here? Yeah. Right now.”

 

* * *

 

It was just after 10:30 when Justin heard his apartment door open and close. He didn’t get up. Allison had her own key.

He was laying on his back on his bed, reading _The Golden Compass_ , and he set it aside and sat up when she came into the room, wearing lounge pants a tank top with a picture of a kitten dressed as an astronaut.

“Your kitchen is scary,” she said by way of greeting. “I’ve never seen tile _gleam_ like that. Who hurt you?”

Justin managed a smile. “Thanks for coming. New tattoo?”

She sat down on the edge of the bed, close to him, but not too close. She looked down at the splash of watercolor on her left shoulder.

“Yeah. Like it?”

“Uh huh. Cool colors.”

“I know the guy who owns the shop. I could get you a discount.”

“Ha. Very funny.”

She smiled at him, then nodded toward the book on his night stand. “So… crisis of faith? It’s been a while, I think you’re due.”

“Uh. Something like that.” Justin had been trying to figure out what to say to her. He wasn’t planning to tell her anything specific, but he hadn’t gotten much further than that. “I just need some company for a while. What’s your schedule like this week?”

“I already called out sick for tomorrow,” she said, and Justin sighed.

“You didn’t need to do that.”

“Oh, yeah. I _hate_ having days off.” She nudged his leg with her elbow. “It’ll be fun. You can buy me lunch.”

“Sure.”

She looked him over, and Justin knew what was coming. She always tried to put him at ease before interrogating him, as if she could catch him off guard and drag the information out of him before he noticed her doing it.

“So… want to tell me what happened? Are you alright?”

He _did_ want to tell her. But there were so many reasons he couldn’t.

“Someone in my life… saw me at kind of a low point,” he said. “Um. A _very_ low point. And I don’t think they’re having the greatest reaction. And I’m waiting to talk to them again, but I don’t know when that will be.”

She nodded. She knew him well enough to know that any kind of unresolved conflict would be a massive struggle for him to cope with.

“Do you need to keep it all so vague? I’m not sure I can help if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I do, for now. I’m not really looking for advice, or anything. I just need to stay distracted so I don’t… obsess.”

“Got it. I’m all yours. Can I have a hug?”

He nodded, then put his arms around her, and closed his eyes.

Allison was the only person in his family that he didn’t mind touching. She was soft and round – she’d gained weight in high school, when the tension in their house had been at its peak – but she’d never seemed bothered by it, and Justin thought it suited her. He couldn’t picture her any other way, now. She had always seemed _whole_ to him, somehow, like she truly belonged to herself. Having her close by was immensely comforting.

“Want me to show you my latest project?” she asked, once they’d let each other go. “I’m sure it’ll bore you right to sleep.”

He managed a quiet laugh. “Sure.”

She went back to the living room, and then returned a moment later with a tablet. She sat cross-legged on the empty side of the bed, and Justin laid down next to her, and watched as she scrolled through photos and proofs of her work. She did custom design, lettering, and printing for an upscale shop in Santa Clarita, and he was incredibly proud that she’d managed to turn her art degree into a viable career, despite their parents’ disapproval.

He wasn’t bored by her artwork or her commentary, but the sound of her voice was calming, and he eventually closed his eyes, and a while after that, he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

On Tuesday morning, Justin woke up alone for the first time in a solid week, and the sadness of it was almost unbearable. He had his arms around the pillow Raf had been using, and he closed his eyes, and pressed his face against it, and smelled the faintest hint of Raf’s shampoo. He curled his body around the pillow and stayed that way until his alarm finally went off.

He told himself that he probably wouldn’t have any messages from Raf when he checked his phone, and he didn’t. He promised himself he’d wait until at least 8:00 that night to text him again – a full 24 hours since the last time they’d spoken. He knew he should probably wait for Raf to contact him first, but he couldn’t stand the thought of waiting with no end in sight. At least this way, he had a goal to focus on.

Allison played her part perfectly. She made him breakfast, and then they went to the beach early, so Justin could run, and she could sketch on her tablet. They walked to a nearby restaurant for lunch, and then Allison insisted on buying him groceries, and he agreed, because it gave them something else to do. They spent the afternoon working at his apartment – luckily, Allison was tech-savvy enough to bring most of her profession on the road with her – and after dinner, they went to an art house theater for a movie. It was subtitled, which Justin normally didn’t mind, but he found that he couldn’t concentrate well enough to follow it. It was a little before 8:30 when they left the theater, and he pulled out his phone while Allison went to the bathroom, and sent the message he’d already drafted for Raf.

 

Justin: I’m trying to give you time. Can you just tell me if you’re ok?

 

He put the phone back in his pocket. He knew nothing could be gained by staring at it, waiting for a response that might not come.

Allison planned to spend the night at his apartment again, much to his relief. They changed for bed and met up on the living room couch, and Allison launched back into her analysis of the movie they’d just seen, but Justin was staring at his phone on the coffee table, trying to stop himself from picking it up.

“…that was just a really creative way to get that shot, don’t you think? Justin?”

“Huh?”

He looked at her, and there was concern written all over her face.

“I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”

“I did tell you.”

“I know. But you didn’t tell me why it’s breaking your heart.” She sighed. “You should just check your phone. It’s stressing me out, watching you try to ignore it.”

He picked it up, and tapped into the single notification.

 

Raf: I don’t want you to worry about me. How are you?

 

Justin wanted to hold the phone against his chest. But he didn’t.

 

Justin: I miss you

Raf: I miss you, too

 

He ran his thumb over the words again and again, his fingers tight around the phone.

“They texted you back?” Allison said.

He looked up at her. “Yeah.”

“That’s good, right?”

He nodded. “I think so.”

“What are you going to do?”

He looked back at the screen, hoping that Raf had sent another message, but he hadn’t, and for some reason, Justin felt sure that he wouldn’t. He turned off the screen and set the phone aside.

“I’m going to wait another day.”

“Another whole _day_?”

“Yup. Twenty-four hours.”

“God, Justin… it’s like torture. I don’t even know what’s the matter, and I can barely stand it. Can’t you just tell me who they are? Is it a friend? Girlfriend? Complicated potential love interest?”

“Uh. Something like that.”

“Which one?”

“Take your pick.”

Her eyes went wide. “Really? I was joking… you actually met someone?”

“Ally… please leave it, okay?”

“Okay. I will. I’m sorry. But… wow. I can’t even imagine what this must be like, for you. God… you’re coping so well.”

“There’s no way things will get better with-” Justin stopped, and sighed. “There’s no way things will work out, if I don’t. I have no choice.”

“You have plenty of choices. And you’re making a lot of good ones.”

 

* * *

 

Allison left for Santa Clarita after breakfast the next morning, and then Justin took a shower and cleaned every inch of the bathroom, killing time before he needed to go in to the office, too. He had to go to the news station for staff meetings once in a while, and he was glad that they needed him today. He was fine when he was busy and talking; he was a wreck when he was alone with his thoughts. Allison had promised to be back by dinnertime to spend another night on his couch. He just had to make it until then.

Luckily, the staff meeting turned into a long afternoon at the office. Justin had some new colleagues to meet, and his supervisor wanted to make some adjustments to the editing style for the segments Justin had been working on. He worked through some footage at the office using the new guidelines, and his team was pleased with the result.

It felt good to be distracted and productive. He felt an intense desire to prove that he could carry on, even when he felt like his whole life was in crisis. Why would Raf want to be with someone who fell apart at the first sign of challenge?

But it was more than that. Justin didn’t _want_ to fall apart. For the first time in his life, he felt like he had too much to lose. He didn’t just want Raf to love him. He wanted to feel like he deserved it.

He met Allison at a restaurant for dinner, and then they went back to his apartment to watch YouTube videos. Allison didn’t play video games, but she appreciated them artistically, and she had asked Justin to put together a list of greatest hits from Mark and Jack’s channels so she could become more familiar with their work. They were about two hours into Mark’s playthrough of Soma when 8:00 rolled around, and Justin picked up his phone, and sent the message he’d been wanting to send all day.

 

Justin: Just checking in. How are you?

 

He turned his notification volume all the way up, and set the phone aside, and waited.

After a half hour, he picked it up again, but there were no new messages.

There weren’t any when he checked again at 9:00, either.

And at 9:30, when his phone was still silent, he stood up from the couch, flexing his fingers, smoothing at the hem of his shirt.

“Justin?”

Allison was staring at him, looking worried.

“Uhm. I’ll be right back.”

He grabbed his phone, shut himself inside his bedroom, and sat down on the bed, trying not to panic.

So far, Raf had responded to his messages, almost right away. He hadn’t seemed annoyed by Justin’s texts. He hadn’t asked for more space, or even less contact. So why wouldn’t he respond, now? Justin was starting to feel like something was very, very wrong.

He tried to think of a way to check on Raf without having to bother him. They didn’t have any close friends in common besides Mark and Jack, and Justin didn’t want to bother them while they were still in Cincinnati, except as a last resort. He wondered vaguely how Mark and Jack were coping with the aftermath of the stream. He didn’t think Jack had a Facebook account, but he could always check Mark’s-

_Right. Facebook. Raf has a Facebook page._

He went to his computer – he didn’t like to keep the Facebook app on his phone – and logged into his account. He typed Raf’s name into the search bar… and Raf’s account didn’t come up. He frowned. That wasn’t right. They were friends on Facebook, Raf’s page should have come up right away.

Unless Raf had blocked him, or deleted his account.

Justin didn’t like the implications of either option. He deliberated for a moment, and then picked up his phone, tapped into his contacts, and tapped on Raf’s name.

The call rang straight to voicemail, and Justin felt momentary relief. That explained why Raf wasn’t answering him. His phone was turned off.

But why?

The voicemail tone startled him, and he fumbled his message a bit.

 

“Uh… Raf, sorry. I wasn’t planning on leaving a message, I just… I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I really want to talk, when you’re ready. So… I’ll be here.”

 

He hung up, and then stared at his computer screen, taking in the absence of Raf’s Facebook page. _He wouldn’t just block me. He wouldn’t._

But all of a sudden, he wasn’t so sure. Maybe Raf had just responded to his texts to be nice. Maybe this was his way of letting Justin down easy. Maybe his feelings had changed. Maybe he didn’t want to work things out.

Justin went back to the living room in a daze, mumbling excuses when Allison questioned him. He stared at the TV for another hour until Allison said she was ready to go to sleep, and then he went to his bedroom, and got under the covers, and stared at the ceiling. And then he tried reading his book, and listening to music. And then he did pushups and crunches on the floor, and reorganized his closet shelves, and stared at Raf’s clothes in his drawer.

And then he put on Raf’s shorts and t-shirt, and he wrote a note for Allison and left it on his bed. He snuck past her as she slept on the couch, and he slipped into the hallway and locked the door behind him.

And then he drove to the park, and ran.

He wasn’t expecting to find Raf there, and he didn’t. He just wanted to feel close to him again. And he wanted to stay in motion. He wanted to push his body until it ached and burned. He wanted to feel something other than desperate loneliness. And most of all, he wanted to sleep. He wanted the hours to pass by without him. He wanted to wake up in the morning and find a message from Raf.

But part of him knew he wouldn’t. And even though he ran until he could barely stand, he spent another hour awake in bed, waiting for a message that didn’t come.


	9. Chapter 9

Justin woke up on Wednesday when his alarm went off at 8:00, groggy from too-little sleep, and there were still no messages waiting for him, and he felt something inside himself start to break. And it wasn’t because he had OCD, or because his parents were religious fanatics, or because he’d been traumatized by some brutes in high school. It was because the person he’d shared the most intimate moments of his life with hadn’t called him back.

He managed to hold it together through breakfast with Allison, though he could tell by her expression that his performance had been less than convincing. She had to head back to Santa Clarita for the rest of the day and night, since she had a huge custom order due by Thursday evening, but she promised to come back Friday morning if he needed her to. He almost broke down when she hugged him goodbye, but she was running late for work and anxious to get on the road, and he was grateful that she didn’t notice.

He went back to his bedroom as soon as she was gone, and sat on his bed with Raf’s pillow in his lap, and called Raf’s phone.

And this time, it rang, but Raf didn’t pick up.

Justin didn’t leave a voicemail. He ended the call, and then stared at the screen, thinking, _Just give him some time. He’ll call you back. He will. Just wait._

But he couldn’t. So he picked up the phone again, and he did what he’d told himself he wouldn’t do. He called Jack.

And Jack didn’t pick up, either. And Allison was gone, and he felt himself starting to lose his grip. So he called Jack again, and again. And then he curled up on his side, and held Raf’s pillow against his chest, and stared at the phone, and waited.

And then Jack called him back.

“Hey man,” Justin said, sitting upright, clutching the phone like a lifeline. “I’m really sorry to bother you.”

“Oh, dude, yeh’re not.” Jack sounded apologetic. “Sorry it took me a bit to get back to yeh. Everything okay?”

Justin ignored the question. “Have you heard from Raf this week?”

“No, not since Sunday… why?”

Justin paused, choosing his words carefully.

“Can you call him and make sure he’s okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll call him right now, but… dude, what’s wrong?”

“… I don’t know. I thought it was my fault, at first, but now I think something might’ve happened with his family. He… he won’t return my calls or texts.”

“Listen, man, I’m sure it’s not yer fault-”

“It might be, though. We… we hung out for the rest of the day on Sunday. After the stream, I mean. And he…”

Justin paused again, facing the same dilemma he’d been facing with Allison. He wanted to talk about what was happening with Raf, but he knew it wasn’t entirely his secret to tell. It was Raf’s, too, and he had no idea how Raf would feel about Justin telling people about something so personal. He decided to keep it vague.

“Jack, please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I swear. You know I won’t.”

Justin swallowed, but it was no use. Tears were prickling at the corners of his eyes.

“He stayed over that night. Um. I mean. He stayed… with  _me_ that night. But we… we haven’t really  _done_ anything. We just kind of… make out, sometimes… and I think he wanted something else to happen, when we were… um… but… I told him I wasn’t ready. He seemed okay with it, I thought everything was fine, but maybe… maybe he thought I didn’t like him, anymore… or maybe he doesn’t like me, after that…”

 

“Oh, Justin, that does  _not_  sound like Raf…”

Justin sniffed. “I know. That’s why I’m worried something else is going on. But… I still wanted to tell you what happened. I didn’t… I didn’t tell anyone else.”

“Does anyone else know that you’ve been seeing each other?”

“No.”

“Do you mind if I let Mark know what’s going on?”

“No… you can tell him.”

“Okay. I won’t tell anyone else, alright? I promise. I’m going to call Raf now.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jack.”

“No problem. I’ll call yeh back.”

 

Justin hung up, and wiped at his eyes. He grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and brought it back to the bedroom, and Jack called him back within five minutes.

 

“Hey, Justin.”

“Is he okay?”

“I’m not sure. He didn’t want to talk to me. But I think you were right – it sounds like something’s going on with his family.”

“Fuck. I knew it. But… why won’t he talk to me, then?”

Jack paused. “Uhm… Justin… does he know how yeh feel? Do  _you_ know how yeh feel? About Raf?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… if you really care about him… if yeh want to give things a try… you might need to think about how yeh can spell it out fer him. I’m not sure he really knows.”

Justin squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. He’d wanted to say it so many times, in so many different ways, but he knew the things he’d said to Raf had fallen short. It hurt his heart to think about how Raf must have interpreted their last encounter. Why did he have to punish Raf for things that weren’t his fault? Why couldn’t he ever explain himself when he needed to?

“I don’t… I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“That’s okay. We’ll keep it simple. Do yeh like hanging out with him?”

“Yeah. He’s, like, the coolest person I know. I’ve told him that.”

“Good. Uhm… Do yeh like how he looks?”

Justin paused, trying to figure out how to explain his recent reexamination of his sexuality to Jack.

 

“So… I had a girlfriend, last year. I dated a couple girls before, but… I guess this was more like a relationship. I  _thought_ I liked her… I mean, I  _did_ like her. I liked hanging out with her. But I didn’t… like…  _care_ about how she looked. I mean, she was beautiful, but, like… I only kissed her. We never… we didn’t do anything else. And she could tell I didn’t like her that way. So… it didn’t last very long.”

 

“Ok… so… yeh didn’t like  _her_  that way, or yeh don’t like  _girls_  that way?”

 

“I didn’t think I liked  _anyone_ that way.”

“Justin… I mean… it’s okay, if yeh don’t. Plenty of people are asexual. It’s totally normal.”

“But… I like Raf.”

“More than you liked your girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you know?”

“What do you mean?” Justin knew agitation was bleeding into his tone, but he couldn’t stop it.

“I mean, why do you like him? How do yeh know it’s more than just a friendship?”

“I don’t let my  _friends_ sleep in my  _bed_ , Jack!” Justin was practically yelling now. “I don’t let them borrow my fucking clothes because I don’t want them to go home! I don’t watch them change and fucking…  _fuck._ I don’t make out with my friends. I don’t make out with  _anyone,_ except Raf. I think… _fuck,_ Jack…”

 

Justin felt himself running out of steam, and he knew he had to say it, before he lost his nerve. He had to say what he’d known, ever since the first time Raf had kissed him. Ever since he’d held Raf in his arms and felt his mind and his heart and his body waking up, like he’d been sleeping, like he hadn’t been whole until that moment.

 

“I think I’m gay.”

“Dude. That was really good. You did a good job. I know it can be hard to talk about, but… that’s the kind of stuff yeh need to say to Raf, okay? Don’t make him guess. And… if yeh’re gay, yeh’re gay. We’ll deal with it, alright? Mark and I aren’t going anywhere.”

Justin took a long breath. It helped to hear it, but the ache in his chest wouldn’t resolve. If he’d been whole with Raf in his arms, he was in pieces, now.

“How… fuck, how did you guys do this? It’s awful.”

“I think it feels that way because yeh’re trying to do it by yerself. But, yeah, it can be awful sometimes. We’ll tell yeh all about it. We’re going to come home early, okay? We should be back at LAX by ten, tonight. I think we’ll head straight to Raf’s place after that. Why don’t yeh plan to meet us there… we can talk fer a bit, and then try to get Raf to let us in.”

“Wait… you guys are coming home right now?”

“Well, in a few hours, yeah.”

“Because of Raf?”

“Yeah… I mean, he’s my friend…”

Justin stood up from the bed, stricken, feeling like he was seeing the situation clearly for the first time.

_I know you’re not my boyfriend._

That’s what Raf had said, when he’d been trying to tell Justin about his family, and about what the livestream meant to him, and about how scared he was.

_I’m starting to get worried that you’re going to break my heart._

Raf didn’t know how to trust him. And how could he? Justin had been so wrapped up in his personal identity crisis, and so distracted by the way Raf made him feel, that he hadn’t been able to fully understand what Raf was going through. This might have been the most difficult week of Raf’s life, and Justin had only made it more challenging. Raf had needed someone he could trust without hesitation, and Justin had been too afraid and too damaged to measure up.

“Fuck. I’m an idiot.  _Fuck._ ”

“What?”

“These issues with his family… it’s a big deal. Way more important than my stupid self-loathing fucking bullshit. God, no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“What yeh’re going through is important, man, and I think normally, Raf would be tripping over himself to support yeh, but… yeah. He might not be able to deal with all of it at the same time. Especially if he’s not sure about how yeh feel.”

“You’re right. I need to fix it.”

“Well… yeh’ve got a few hours to think it over. Think about what you want to say. Write it down or something, if that helps. Just… don’t give up. Raf deserves to know how yeh feel.”

“I know. I will. Um… Jack…”

“Yeah?”

He sighed. Jack had been an incredible friend to him, despite the way Justin had first reacted to his relationship with Mark. The guilt was just one more weight on his shoulders, threatening to crush him.

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a legitimate asshole.”

“Not fer at least a month, dude. I’ve been keeping track.”

Justin laughed weakly. “Thanks, man.”

“Call back if yeh need to. I’ll text yeh when we land.”

“Okay. See you later.”

 

Justin hung up, feeling a renewed sense of hope. He knew Raf would open the door when Mark and Jack showed up at his apartment, and there was a good chance that they’d be able to convince him to talk to Justin, too. He knew he needed to make it clear that Raf was his priority, without exception. And if Raf needed to know exactly how Justin felt in order to trust him, he’d find a way to say it.

He set about cleaning every square inch of his apartment, which took less time than he’d hoped, since it was already spotless. He went to the gym and did a full-body workout, and even though he was still sore from running the night before, he ran on a treadmill until his lungs burned.

He showered back at his apartment, and when he checked his phone afterward, he found a message from Jack, linking him to several websites. He sat down at his desk and tapped into the links.

The first website was a glossary of terms pertaining to sexual orientation and gender identity. He read through them all, stunned by the sheer number of labels and descriptions. It was strange to see his own feelings and experiences written in plain language on some website he’d never heard of before, since it had taken him so long to acknowledge and explore any of it himself. He wondered what Allison would say when she found out. Would she be surprised? Or had she known all along?

The next page was a resource guide about sexual health geared toward queer men, but the third link read more like an instruction manual for sexual exploration. Jack’s message said, _I’m not making any assumptions, but this helped me a lot when Mark and I got together._

Justin did a quick scan of the headings, diagrams, and photographs, and was immediately bombarded by memories of the intimate time he’d spent with Raf so far. He thought about the way Raf had moved his hand, inviting him to feel his ass over his shorts. He remembered the way Raf had responded when he’d squeezed and kneaded. He remembered the way he’d pretended to be touching Raf’s bare skin. Raf liked to be touched there. He probably liked to be touched inside, too. And Justin was getting hard, just thinking about it.

And then he remembered Raf’s hands on his ass, under his clothes, and he stopped scrolling, and braced his forearms on his desk. He’d panicked, not because of how it felt, but because of what it had made him remember. He’d only been touched that way once before, and it had been an assault, not a lover’s caress. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine how it would have felt, if those memories hadn’t overtaken him. He imagined Raf’s hands inside his boxers, kneading and pulling at him, his fingertips exploring…

_Oh._

He was fully hard, his state of arousal at odds with the emotional turmoil he felt. He didn’t want to do this, alone in his bedroom. He wanted to do this with Raf.

It _was_ reassuring, though, to feel arousal instead of ambivalence, or even revulsion, at the prospect of expanding his repertoire of sexual experience beyond solo masturbation. Not that he’d ever jerked off with much frequency or enthusiasm; it had been more like releasing a pressure valve than anything else. He’d forget all about it for days at a time, and then wake up with a painful erection, or notice himself getting hard after a run or a soccer game, so he’d relieve the pressure, and carry on with the rest of his day. The day after he’d first kissed Raf had been the first time he’d ever linked masturbation with fantasizing about a particular person, and it had been a wholly new experience. And ejaculating with Raf in his lap, and then in his bed, had changed his entire understanding of arousal and sexuality.

And now, he wanted more. He wanted to do the things he was reading about. He wanted to put his hands all over Raf’s naked body. He wanted to make him come without his clothes on, using his hands, or his mouth. He wanted to touch Raf wherever he liked to be touched. And he wanted to be touched, too, anywhere and everywhere, without being afraid.

He went back to scrolling, ignoring the bulge in his shorts, reading up on hand-jobs, and oral sex techniques, and fingering. When he got to the section or rimming, he read it twice, just to make sure he’d understood. It was something he’d never imagined people doing willingly, let alone enthusiastically. His obsession with hygiene and general cleanliness was well controlled by his medication – it had been a decade since he’d last scrubbed his hands until they bled – but he still felt compelled to keep things clean and sanitary. In theory, he knew that sex could be messy, and that people often behaved differently in sexual situations than they did in their public lives. He’d heard almost every guy on his soccer team talk about blowjobs at one point, and how “hot” it was when their wives or girlfriends or tinder dates swallowed at the end, and he guessed that most straight adult women he knew had probably done so at some point, even though it was almost impossible for him to picture it. He wasn’t sure how far he could stretch his typical habits and preferences if he ever found himself in bed with Raf again, but he was desperate to find out.

And then there was the section on sex. Actual anal penetration. He was shocked to learn that anal sex was supposed to be pleasurable for both partners. He’d always thought that the person on the receiving end must be enduring great pain, either for the sake of their partner, or because the dynamic in the relationship demanded it. He knew that the prostate existed, in theory, but he hadn’t known anything about it from a sexual standpoint. He’d never had any close friends who were gay, before. He’d never heard a queer guy talk openly about sex. He’d never researched it, or seen gay porn before, and it was both humiliating and fascinating to be discovering so much at this point in his life.

He thought back to the livestream, and the way Mark and Jack had tried to field prying questions about their physical relationship. They had implied that neither one of them thought of themselves as a “top” or a “bottom,” and Justin had found this confusing. Did that mean they didn’t have sex? Or was it just that they alternated roles? One of the reasons Justin had initially been so unsettled by their relationship was that they didn’t fit his perception of gay relationships in general, which, he knew now, had been offensively ignorant and stereotypical. Based on what he was reading, gay relationships were just as unique and diverse as straight relationships. And he found the notion comforting. He didn’t want to be forced into a role that didn’t come naturally to him, just because he wanted to be with Raf.

But what would their roles be, with each other? He knew Raf had had sex, once before. Had he been on the giving or receiving end? Was he a top or a bottom? Or neither? Or both? Justin thought he should be able to tell, but he didn’t understand any of the rules, anymore. Raf was just _Raf._ He defied stereotype. He was strong, and athletic, and even commanding, at times, but he was also soft, and sweet, and kind. When Justin pictured them in bed together, he found that he wanted things to be equal between them. He didn’t want Raf to have to do something that he wasn’t willing to do himself. But what if he couldn’t make his body do what he wanted it to?

His phone buzzed on the desk, and he picked it up.

 

Jack: how’s it going?

Justin: Okay. I’ve been looking at the websites you sent me.

Jack: anything helpful?

Justin: Yeah. Can I tell you something?

Jack: anything you want

Justin: I was lying when I told Raf I didn’t want to hook up. I was just scared.

Jack: I bet he’d be happy to hear that

Justin: Were you scared? When you first got together with Mark?

Jack: terrified... I said some truly stupid shit that first week

Justin: Really?

Jack: yeah. I thought I was prepared, but it’s a big adjustment. we took it pretty slow… just kind of tried one thing at a time to make sure it was right

Justin: Did you ever decide to stop? Or did you ever do something you regretted after?

Jack: we decided to slow things down a couple times, but no… no regrets. I think because we talk about everything, but also because we dealt with the fact that we’re not straight. that took time, though

Justin: I’m not straight.

Jack: does it help to say it?

Justin: Yeah.

Jack: it’s ok that you’re not straight, and it’s ok to like Raf. he’s good for you

 

Justin decided to ask Jack the same question he’d been asking himself for days.

 

Justin: Do you think I’m good for him?

Jack: I know he was really happy when you started hanging out. he didn’t tell me why, or anything, it was just obvious

Justin: But… what if we hook up, and I freak out, or I don’t like it, or something?

Jack: tell him you’re worried about it and you want to go slow, before you try anything else. and if you don’t like something that happens, but you still like Raf, make sure he knows that

Justin: Would you still be with Mark if he didn’t like all the things you wanted to do?

Jack. yes. absolutely.

Justin: That helps.

 

Jack didn’t say anything else, and Justin guessed that he and Mark would be getting ready to head to the airport, soon. He still had several hours to kill before they’d be back, so he spent some more time browsing the websites Jack had sent him. Lubrication was a recurring theme across everything he read, another revelation that he’d never even considered before. He’d never used it, so he didn’t own any, although he did have some coconut oil that Allison had bought for him. He used it instead of lotion on his hands sometimes, if he forgot to monitor the number of times he washed them. The websites said that it was safe to use as a personal lubricant, although it wasn’t safe to use with condoms.

Right. Condoms. He’d never had to use those, either. He’d never even held one in his hand.

After much deliberation, and a furious bout of blushing he was grateful no one would ever see, he followed some links and ordered two different kinds of lube and two different boxes of condoms. He had no plans to tell Raf about them just yet, but he’d decided to view his sexual inexperience the same way he viewed his OCD. It wasn’t Raf’s problem that Justin was insecure and emotionally compromised, and it wasn’t Raf’s responsibility to fix it. Justin wanted to fix it for himself.

He finally dove into the editing work he’d been ignoring all day, only stopping briefly to make himself a protein smoothie around dinnertime. He wasn’t hungry, he just knew he needed the calories, and he knew he’d only get more anxious as the night went on.

He hadn’t heard from Jack yet by the time he’d finished editing, so he reorganized his spreadsheets and his folders on his computer, and his phone finally buzzed at 9:57 PM.

 

Jack: we’ll be at Raf’s in half an hour

Justin: See you there

 

He changed into jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed his keys from the kitchen, ran down the hall and down the stairs to the garage, and climbed into his car, and anxiety hit him like a punch as soon as he started the engine. What if Raf refused to see him? What if he agreed to listen, but he didn’t feel the same way Justin did? What if he said he just wanted to be friends?

Justin would, of course. He’d do just about anything to keep Raf in his life. But he couldn’t even imagine it. What if Raf never kissed him, or held his hand, or spent the night, ever again?

He cranked up the volume on the radio while he drove, trying to keep his thoughts from spiraling, and he got out of the car as soon as he’d parked in front of Raf’s building. He leaned against the passenger-side door, taking long, slow breaths, counting the windows on the building next door, until he saw Mark and Jack pull up and park a short distance down the block. He found himself half-walking, half-jogging in Jack’s direction, and he hugged him as soon as he was close enough. And then he let Jack go, and hugged Mark, too.

“Mark… thanks for coming back.”

“Oh… dude… of course. Whatever you need, okay?”

He took a step back, and took a deep breath. Hugging them might have been a bad idea. He was just barely holding himself together.

“Okay,” Jack said authoritatively. “Tell me. What’re yeh going to say to him?”

Justin blinked back at him. “What?”

“Time to practice, now. If yeh haven’t said it out loud yet, you might not be able to once he’s standing in front of yeh. I don’t need all the details, just the basics. C’mon.”

Justin swallowed. “Um. I like him. More than other people.”

“Good start.”

“And I want us to be… dating. But… his family is more important. The other stuff can wait. So right now… I just want to be there. For him.”

Jack nodded. “Good job. So… I think Mark and I should go up first. He knows we’re coming, but I didn’t tell him you were, too. I thought it might be… overwhelming. Can yeh wait down here while we figure out what’s going on?”

“Yeah. I think that makes sense. I’ll be here.”

“Okay. Hang in there, man. It’ll be alright.”

Mark put a hand on his shoulder as they passed to ring Raf’s doorbell, and the door buzzed open right away. That was a good sign. Justin watched Mark and Jack walk through the door and into the elevator, and then he leaned against his car again, and waited.

The next five minutes were the longest of his life, standing on that sidewalk, counting his breaths, wondering if he would live through the next minute, or the next, or the one after that. But he did, and eventually his phone buzzed in his pocket-

 

Raf: Ring the bell

 

And he practically dove for the doorbell panel, and scrambled inside when the door clicked open, and squeezed his fingertips into his palms while he waited for the elevator to come. And he cursed the slow pace all the way up to the top floor, thinking it would have been faster if he’d just run up the stairs, and then he practically sprinted down the hall to Raf’s door.

He paused. He took a breath. And then he knocked.

Jack was the one who opened the door, but Justin barely saw him. He was looking at Raf, who was standing in the living room, looking tired and wounded, and trying to wipe tears from his face. Justin walked straight for him and looked in his eyes. His hands were shaking – he knew they were – but he raised his right hand to Raf’s cheek anyway, and used his thumb to wipe at the corner of one of his eyes.

“You’re sad.” He heard his own voice shake. “Please tell me why.”

“You first,” Raf said softly. “Why are you here, Justin?”

“Because I was going out of my fucking mind, not talking to you. And… I care about what’s going on with you.”

“Why?”

Justin squared his shoulders, but his lower lip was shaking, and he knew he couldn’t stop it. He took a breath, and then said, “Because I like you. More than other people. More than just a friend. I can’t lose you, okay? If you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine, just…” He was crying openly now. He wiped at his eyes and sniffed. “…Just talk to me? Let me stay with you for a while? Please?”

He tried to wipe the tears from his face, unsuccessfully. Raf grabbed for some tissues – there was a box on the coffee table – and he took hold of Justin’s hand, and dabbed gently at his cheeks, looking pained.

“I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to make you sad,” Raf explained. “I just… why didn’t you say something before?”

“Because I’m an  _idiot_ ,” Justin said. “I thought… I thought I could just… take my time. Figuring things out, I mean. And I was an asshole for thinking you’d just stick around for that. I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t right. And I wouldn’t be here right now if I wasn’t sure.”

 

He had stopped crying, and he was speaking confidently now, while Raf stared back at him, wide-eyed.

 

“I’m not confused, Raf. I’m not looking to fool around. I know I’m not straight. Okay? I’m not. I want… I want to be with you.”

Raf stared for a handful of breaths before he tried to respond.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think you… I’m sorry…” He reached up and held Justin’s face with both hands, and Justin slid both arms around his back, and pulled him close, and kissed him. And Raf was kissing him back, _really_ kissing him, like he’d been dying to do it, and Justin knew that everything would be okay, if only he could kiss Raf like this, every day, forever.

When they broke apart to catch their breath, Raf still had his hands on Justin’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I should’ve said something. It wasn’t fair to put it all on you. I just… I didn’t think you were ready.”

“But I am.” Justin nodded. “I’m ready.”

“You… you want to stay, tonight?”

“Yeah. I do.”

Raf slid his hands down to rest on Justin’s chest. “Okay. Um.” He cocked his head toward the kitchen. “I think I should let Mark and Jack go home. And then we can… talk.”

“Are you sure? If you want them to stay… I mean… whatever’s best for you…”

Raf smiled. “I want  _you_ to stay.”

They said their goodbyes to Mark and Jack, who both looked ready to fall asleep on their feet, and then Raf got two glasses of water from the kitchen, and he and Justin sat on the couch together, taking small sips and trying to figure out what to say.

“I’m really sorry, Justin.” Raf was looking down at his hands. “My brother came, last night… he left this morning… I was going to call you back. I swear, I was. I just… well… I’m sure you can tell. I’m a mess. I didn’t want to have to tell you what happened. And I wasn’t sure if I should, after…”

“After I lost my shit?”

“After I saw how scared you were.” Raf shook his head. “I could just _feel_ you pulling away from me, just like I thought you would. I couldn’t take it.”

Justin nodded. “I know. I was scared. I _am_ scared. I have… baggage. I know it. And I let it affect you, when you had something way more important to worry about. I’m so sorry for that.” He sighed. “It’s going to take time for me to sort it all out, and I know I can’t expect you to wait around. But, Raf… I’ve never wanted to pull away from you. Not for a second. I never want to spend another day without seeing you, or talking to you. I know I’m not perfect, but I can be there for you, if you’ll let me. I can. I promise.”

Raf looked at him for a long moment, and then said, “I believe you.” He held out his hand, and Justin took it. “You don’t know how many times I almost drove over to your apartment.”

“I wish you had.”

“Me, too.”

“So… can you tell me what happened?”

Raf slid closer to him on the couch, and pulled his hand into his lap, and told him. He talked about the terrible things his parents had said about Mark and Jack, how he could feel their hatred, and how he prayed that that hatred could transform into compassion and understanding, if he told them who really was. And he had told them, and there had been no compassion or understanding, or hatred, either. There was nothing, now, where his parents’ love had once been. They had told him not to visit or call until he could recognize the sinful nature of his choices, and denounce the LGBTQ+ community, and repent.

And then they had called everyone else that used to love him most – his aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents – and told them about his decision to betray his faith and his family. And then the messages had started pouring in.

Some of them hadn’t been so bad.

_Get to church, get your head straight, and then come see us. You can come back from this._

Some of them had stung like a slap.

_You’re an embarrassment. Your parents will never recover from this. It’s one thing degrade yourself. It’s another thing to disgrace your entire family._

And some of them had kept him up for almost thirty-six hours, staring at his ceiling, wishing he could be anyone other than Rafael Silva.

_You filthy faggot. If you show up around here again I’m calling the cops. And if I find out you ever touched one of my kids, I’ll kill you myself._

“Your _cousin_ said that?” Justin asked, his voice quiet enough to hide the horror he felt.

“Yeah,” Raf said, staring down at their hands, which were still clasped together in his lap. “I couldn’t stop myself from reading the messages and the comments when I logged on to delete everything. I only made it through a few. And then I realized that everyone had started blocking me, so I just suspended my account. I don’t think I can stand to go through all of it myself.”

Justin squeezed his hand. “I’ll do it for you, if you want. If it would help.”

Raf nodded. “Thanks, Justin.”

“And…” Justin swallowed. “Listen. I promised myself that if you let me in here tonight, I’d try to tell you more about how I feel. It’s hard for me, and I’m sorry, so if it sounds stupid…”

“It won’t. I know it won’t. Please tell me.”

Justin nodded. “Okay. So, you know Balthamos and Baruch? The angels in _The Amber Spyglass?”_

Raf smiled. “Of course.”

“And… you remember the beach? How we were talking about the things we still believe in?”

“Yeah.”

“Well… I didn’t tell you this then, because I wasn’t sure what you would think about it, but… I believe in angels, too. Like, for real. I believe some people are just… good. Like, _pure_ good. Like, incapable of wrong or evil.”

He paused, because Raf was looking at him with wide eyes, his head tilted to one side, and Justin knew he deserved to know the rest, and he could feel himself starting to shake, but his hand was still and steady, because Raf was holding it so tight.

“And… I don’t think you should spend another minute thinking about anything your family has to say, because if you’re not an actual, legitimate angel, I think you’re about as close as a person can possibly get.”

Raf continued to stare, and then he leaned over and pressed his forehead against Justin’s. And they kept their eyes closed, and their fingers intertwined, and eventually Raf said, _“I missed you so much.”_

And Justin kissed the side of his face, and then his forehead, and then his lips. And Raf sighed, and kissed his temple, and the space under his ear. And then he stood up from the couch, and he pulled Justin up after him, and led him by the hand to his bedroom. And he shut the door behind them, and put his hands on Justin’s waist, and kissed him.

And then he said, “Will you get in bed with me, if I promise to keep my hands up here?”

Justin felt himself start to blush. He had his hands on Raf’s waist, too. And he knew why Raf was trying to play it safe, but he didn’t want to do that, anymore.

“What if I want your hands to be somewhere else?”

“Then you can show me.”

Justin nodded. And then he breathed in and out, and slipped his hands under the hem of Raf’s shirt. His hands were big – wide, with strong fingers – and he spread his fingers apart, covering as much surface area as he could around Raf’s hips and lower back, and he moved his fingertips, just the tiniest bit, to feel the softness of Raf’s skin. And Raf closed his eyes for a moment, and tilted his head to one side, like he was trying to lean into the feeling of it. And then Justin moved his hands up around his ribcage, and when Raf raised his arms above his head, he did it in a smooth, fluid motion, like he was dancing. Like he was ocean water about to crest into a wave. And Justin pulled his shirt off of him – he put his fingers inside the neckline, to protect Raf’s face – and he slid his arms around Raf’s back, and put his lips on Raf’s shoulder, and he held him, and kissed his skin, and Raf sighed, and leaned against him.

He was holding Justin loosely, though. He was being careful. He was waiting. And he hadn’t said it, but Justin knew it was true – Raf didn’t want to be the one to push them forward, anymore. He would either stay in place or follow Justin’s lead, and he was letting Justin choose what would happen next.

And all of a sudden, the choice was an easy one.

 _“Can you take these off? Can I see you? Please?”_ Justin had his hands around the waistband of Raf’s sweatpants. His lips were close to Raf’s ear.

And Raf nodded, and kissed the side of his face. And then he let go of Justin, and took a couple steps back, and slid his sweatpants down from his hips, and let them fall to the floor. His boxers were black, and they hugged close to his skin, like they were barely there at all. And Justin was still working up the courage to ask Raf to take them off, when Raf smiled at him, and pushed them down, and stepped out of them.

Justin had imagined this moment a million times in the abstract, but he still found himself utterly unprepared for the wave of emotion that hit him when he looked at Raf’s naked body for the first time. It went beyond appreciation and attraction. It was more like reverence.

“You’re perfect,” he said, and his voice sounded strong, like he wanted it to.

Raf’s expression went soft, like all the air had gone out of his lungs, and he flexed his fingers, and then brought one hand up to the back of his neck. And Justin watched how the small movements affected the line of his body, and he let himself stare, taking in the finer details of Raf’s form for the first time. He was uncircumcised, his foreskin a little darker than the caramel tone of the rest of his body. Raf had very little body hair – his chest and stomach were smooth – and the hair around his penis was jet black, and shiny, and trimmed short. Justin wondered vaguely if it would bother Raf that they looked different from each other – he was circumcised, and it had never occurred to him to trim his body hair – but he pushed the thought away, because Raf was the kindest, most accepting person he knew. It wasn’t Raf’s fault that he was nervous and insecure. Raf wanted him here. Raf had just undressed for him, in his bedroom, in the middle of the night.

“Um… your turn,” Raf said, fidgeting with his hands in front of his stomach.

Justin nodded. “Okay.” He pulled his t-shirt off, and dropped it by his feet.

“Hey… um… go slow?”

 _Not a problem,_ Justin thought. He paused with his hands at the front of his jeans. Watching Raf undress had taken his breath away; maybe Raf was experiencing something similar, watching him. He had no idea how to be intentionally sexy or seductive, but he found himself hoping that Raf would think of him that way.

He realized he was still wearing shoes, so he got down on one knee, and took his time untying his sneaker. He set one shoe and sock aside, and then switched knees, and repeated the process. And then he held Raf’s gaze while he stood up, and he hooked his thumbs into the front of his jeans, and unbuttoned them. They fit snugly through his hips and thighs, so he bent at the waist and slid them off, one leg at a time. And then he folded them, and dropped them on the floor.

He straightened up, realizing that the easy part was over. His boxers were close-fitting, like Raf’s had been, though Raf’s were short, and Justin’s hit at mid-thigh. And they were white, and semi-transparent, and Justin thought that he might as well be naked already. He wasn’t hard – Raf could probably tell – but Raf wasn’t either, so at least they were evenly matched on that count.

Justin had seen other men naked – he’d been in and out of locker rooms for most of his life – and he’d never found a reason to be self-conscious about his own anatomy before. He’d seen guys that were much smaller than he was, and much bigger, too, and he considered himself lucky to fall firmly within the realm of ‘average.’ But in this moment, he cared more about his size and shape than he ever had before. He wanted Raf to like what he saw. He wanted Raf to like how he looked. He wanted to be seen, and admired, and touched. He wanted to find out what was going to happen next. So he slid his boxers down from his hips and let them fall around his feet.

And then he held his breath, and flattened his palms against the sides of his thighs, because he couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands, because Raf was too far away… but then he wasn’t. He was moving closer, and then he was within arm’s reach, and he was saying, “Justin… would you like it if I called you beautiful? Because you are.”

And Justin opened his arms, and Raf stepped into them, and they pressed their bodies together, and Justin pressed his face against Raf’s hair, and Raf said, _“You’re beautiful. You are. So beautiful.”_

And Justin held him even tighter, and Raf felt so strong, and sturdy, and _warm_ , and he pressed his lips along his shoulder, and Raf made a small sound, and sighed, and put his mouth on Justin’s neck. And Justin slid his hands down to Raf’s lower back, and _pulled,_ and _pressed_ their hips together, and _Oh, God_ , Raf was hard now – Justin could feel his cock pressing against him – and he wanted to touch him there, but he didn’t know how, so he slid one hand between them and pressed his palm against the plane of Raf’s stomach.

_“Justin… you feel so good…”_

He slid his hand down another inch. Raf’s chin was on his shoulder, and his breathing was starting to change.

_“Keep going.”_

He slid his hand further down, and his palm made contact with Raf’s patch of jet-black hair, and he wanted to know how it felt, so he brushed his fingertips over it, and it was thick and sleek-

_“Don’t stop…”_

He stroked the spot again, and Raf shivered, and Justin said, _“You have to show me how.”_

And Raf kissed the space under his ear, and said, _“Okay, come on.”_ And he took Justin’s hand, and led him toward the bed, and then he laid down on his side, and Justin laid down facing him. And Raf put his fingers under Justin’s chin, and kissed him once, and then he rolled onto his back for a second, and pulled a small tube out of his night stand drawer. He popped the cap off, rolled back onto his side, reached for Justin’s left hand, and pumped a small amount of what looked like lotion onto his fingertips.

_“Spread it around a little.”_

Justin did, and it immediately melted into a clear, smooth liquid. It felt warm against the pads of his fingers.

_“Feel okay?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Would you mind having this all over your hands?”_

Justin throbbed at the thought. _“No. I like it.”_

Raf smiled at him, then pumped a larger amount into his own palm, and set the tube aside. Then he reached down and smoothed the lotion over the head of his cock – which was visible now, since he was fully erect – and he sighed a little as he coated himself, melting the lotion with his fingertips and his palm.

 _“Okay. So…”_ He took hold of his cock about midway down, and then stroked to the top and back again. _“See? Like that.”_

Justin’s mind broke into two parts. The first part was analyzing what Raf had just done, realizing that Raf’s foreskin could move upward to partially envelop his head, and that Raf seemed to enjoy this very much, because he rolled his hips a bit as he showed Justin twice more. The other part was focused entirely on keeping his body still – keeping his left hand neutral on the mattress between them – because the urge to tackle Raf and feel every inch of his body was almost overwhelming.

 _“One more time,”_ Justin said – because he wanted to make sure he knew what to do, and because watching Raf touch himself was setting his nerve endings on fire – and Raf stroked all the way from the base to the tip this time, and Justin took a labored breath, and reached over to him, and held his cock in his hand.

It was different than his own – a little longer, and a little thinner – but it still felt familiar, smooth and warm and pulsing. He gave it the tiniest squeeze, and he felt it swell a little, and he saw Raf’s chest rise and fall, and then he gave it a long, slow stroke, and Raf let out a musical sound.

Justin was left-handed, so his position was ideal, but he could tell right away that the angle was awkward with Raf on his side.

_“Get on your back?”_

He let go while Raf flattened himself against the mattress, and then he moved closer to him, and kissed him, and took hold of his cock again. He tried another stroke, and the angle was much better, and Raf must have thought so too, because he exhaled, and his eyelids fluttered, and Justin throbbed, and thought, _He feels like this because of me._

And he wanted to see how else Raf’s body might respond to him, so he tried a series of slow, continuous strokes, and Raf arched off of the bed a little, and flexed his feet, and made a noise at the back of his throat. And Justin stroked him some more, and Raf reached up and held the back of his head, and pulled him closer, and kissed him, and his tongue was warm and soft inside Justin’s mouth. Then he said, _“A little faster,”_ and Justin gradually increased his pace, and they went on kissing each other while Raf started to tense.

And Justin felt that tension mounting, and he moved his hand to try some firm, shallow strokes around Raf’s head, and Raf made a different sound, and said, _“Oh, fuck-”_

And Justin asked, _“Are you okay?”_

And Raf said, _“God, don’t stop, you’re amazing-”_

And Justin put his mouth on Raf’s throat, still concentrating on his head, and then switched to longer, slower strokes, and then gradually brought the pace back up again-

_“Ah- I’m close-”_

_“Good- I want you to-”_

Raf whimpered, and Justin looked down at what he was doing, and Raf was grabbing at the sheets, and bucking against his hand. And when it happened, Justin felt every aspect of it in vivid detail. He felt Raf’s breath against his neck, and the thrust of Raf’s hips against his forearm, and the pulsing, spasming rush of heat and fluid through Raf’s cock and onto his hand and Raf’s stomach.

And then Justin let go, because Raf was rolling onto his knees, and hovering over him-

_“Can I do that for you?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Can I get in your lap?”_

_“Yes.”_

And then Raf was straddling him, and both their cocks were pressed against Justin’s belly, and Raf smoothed his cum over both of them, and stroked them together with one hand, and he shuddered, and moaned – the aftershocks were still coming, Justin could tell – and he held their cocks together, and he leaned over to put his mouth on Justin’s neck, and he thrusted, and thrusted, and thrusted-

And Justin’s mind had become whole again, but there were no words in his head, only sensations – he only existed in the places Raf was touching him – and he made a sound he didn’t know he could make, and he dug his fingertips into Raf’s hips, and he was thrusting, too – they were moving together – and Raf’s teeth were pressing into his shoulder, and Raf’s moaning was vibrating against his skin-

And Justin came, and it lasted, and lasted – he was tense and hovering, and then he was shaking, and then he was grinding his hips, over and over – and then Raf was moving down his body, and looking in his eyes, and running his tongue over the cum in the center of his stomach.

“Oh… my _God…_ ” Justin breathed, between gasps, and Raf smiled, and licked him again, and swallowed. And Justin was fascinated, still pulsing with sensation, staring while Raf licked the rest of his cum off of his stomach.

“Can I kiss you?” Raf was flushed, and tousled, and so beautiful.

“Yes.”

Raf straddled him again and kissed him deeply, and Justin tasted salt, and opened his mouth for more, and the feel of Raf’s tongue was like oxygen. And he wrapped his legs around Raf’s waist, and he rolled them both to the right, so that Raf was on his back, underneath him, and Raf was laughing, and Justin put one hand in his hair, and kissed his neck and his throat, and lived inside the sound of it.


	10. Chapter 10

“Justin? Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah. Anything.”

They were dressed, now. They had showered (separately) and eaten (together), and Raf’s head was on Justin’s chest, and Justin was stroking his hair. It was after 1:00 AM, but neither of them had felt like sleeping.

“So, tonight was amazing,” Raf said. “But… what changed? I mean, on Sunday, you were…”

Justin sighed. “I know. I lost it. I’m so sorry that happened.”

“Were you just nervous? Did I startle you when I touched you like that? I know I should’ve asked, first.”

Justin shook his head. “No. It wasn’t like that. It was… something else. Something that happened to me a long time ago.”

Raf sat up and looked at him, stricken.

“Oh, God, Justin… what happened?”

He put a hand on Raf’s cheek. “Please don’t get upset. Not because of me. We can talk about it some other time, when you don’t have all this stuff going on-”

“No.” Raf put his hand over Justin’s, and pressed it against his face. “I know you’re here for me. You have to let me be here for you, too.”

Justin sighed, then sat up against Raf’s headboard, and bent his knees, and put his arms around them.

“I’ve never told anyone, before. Not even Allison.”

Raf tugged at the hem of Justin’s shirt. “So… I’ll be your first.” He smiled, and it gave Justin courage.

“Okay. But… it would help a lot if you… stayed calm.”

Raf sat up straight, and tucked his legs under himself. “I will. I promise.”

And then Justin did his best to tell him the story. He talked about how he’d been sullen and awkward in his early teens, when his OCD symptoms had first started to manifest. How his parents had brought him to therapy, and agreed to trial medications, but still told him that God’s punishments were earned. How he’d spent his 8th grade year reciting Bible verses in his head so obsessively that his grades slipped, and he stopped eating, and he learned to hate himself for the first time, but not the last.

He talked about how the therapy and the medication had slowly started to work, and how he’d excelled at athletics when academics had overwhelmed him. How there was a time when lacrosse was the only thing he really cared about, and how he’d been given the opportunity to try out for the varsity team when he was a sophomore in high school.

He talked about how he had been fast, but small, and blonde and blue-eyed and androgynous, and teased for it. And how the upperclassmen on the lacrosse team hadn’t wanted a sophomore taking up one of their slots. How they had trapped him in the locker room after tryouts, and held his body against the lockers. How they had pulled down his pants, and put their hands on him, and threatened to rape him with his lacrosse stick.

And he told Raf he believed they would have, if the coach hadn’t found them like that. And how that same coach had said nothing, and told no one. And neither had Justin, until now.

He was grateful that Raf waited to cry until he’d finished the story. He brushed the tears from Raf’s cheeks for the second time that night, and they hugged each other for a long time.

And then Raf sat back, and held his hand, and said, “You’re incredible. Do you know that?”

Justin felt himself start to blush. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… look at everything you’ve been through, and then look at who you are, now. It’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

Justin squeezed his hand. “I was going to say the same thing about you.”

Raf smiled. “I’m really glad you told me. I thought…”

Justin nodded. “I know. You thought I was confused, or that I wasn’t sure about you, or something. Right?”

“Um. Something like that.”

“But I am. I’m sure. I swear, I am. It was just… when you grabbed me… I mean, no one’s touched me liked that, since… And that day was just burned in my brain for so long…”

Raf winced. “I’m so sorry, Justin. I never would’ve, if I’d known… I won’t do it again. I promise.”

“But… I wanted you to. I still want you to. I let this one thing that happened to me control my thinking for so many years… I just want it to be over. And I know it won’t happen overnight, and I know it’s not fair to ask you to be so patient, but… I want to try again. When you’re ready.”

Raf blinked sleepily at him. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I promise. But… maybe we could talk more in the morning?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.” Justin was exhausted, too, and curling up in bed with Raf was just about the only thing he wanted to do. “Um. I didn’t bring my pills. Do you still have the couple I left here?”

“Yeah, of course. They’re in the drawer next to the fridge.” Raf yawned, and then flipped off his lamp and slid down under the covers, and Justin did the same. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Raf moved closer to Justin, and pressed his face against his chest, under his chin.

_“I’m so glad you’re here. I was so miserable without you.”_

Justin put his arms around him, and kissed the top of his head. _“Thanks for giving me a chance. Thanks for not giving up on me.”_

 _“Never,”_ Raf said, right before he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Justin’s alarm woke them up at 8:00 AM, and Justin scrambled to silence it, but it was no use – Raf had been sleeping on his chest, and they were both awake, now.

“Shit. I’m sorry. Go back to sleep.”

Raf shook his head, yawning. “I have about two days’ worth of work to finish before tomorrow morning. I want to spend some time with you first.”

Justin kissed him, and then slid out of the bed, stretching. “Should I start breakfast?”

“Sure. I just want to brush my teeth.”

They reconvened in the kitchen a few minutes later, while Justin was layering cheese onto a skillet of eggs on Raf’s stove. Raf made smoothies, and they ate at the kitchen table, trying to guess what time Mark and Jack would wake up that day, if ever.

“I still can’t believe they just got on a plane like that,” Raf said, rinsing their plates in the sink. He was facing away from Justin, so Justin said,

“I can. They love you.” _And so do I._ He wanted to say it so badly, but he didn’t. He could tell that the timing wasn’t right.

Raf paused for a moment, water from the faucet still running over the plate in his hand, but he didn’t turn around.

“…So,” he said. “How are you feeling? After last night?” He put the dish in the dishwasher, closed it, and turned around, leaning against the counter.

“Well… I know things are kind of… complicated,” Justin said. He put his hands in his lap under the table, and smoothed at the hem of his shirt. “But… I think it might’ve been the best night of my life.”

Raf nodded, but he didn’t smile, and Justin noticed some tension in his posture.

“Hey… what’s wrong?”

Raf shook his head. “Nothing. Really. It’s just…” He gestured vaguely with one hand. “I’m sure you can tell. I fell so hard for you, so fast. Head over heels.”

“Me, too.” Justin didn’t smile, either. He knew Raf wasn’t finished.

“But… I still feel like we’re moving a little fast. I think you should take some time to let things settle. Not time _apart_ , or anything. I want everything to be just like it was, last night. And I want us to be together, like you said. Eventually. But I’m just not sure we should make any decisions about the future right now. This is all so new for you… and for me, too, really… I’ve never felt this way about _anyone_. So if we decide to make that kind of… commitment… I need us both to be sure it’s going to last. And I want you to be able to take your time with… you know… coming out, and everything. I don’t want to be the reason you’re rushing into something you’re not ready for.”

Justin nodded, processing.

“I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear,” Raf said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Justin said. “I understand.”

Raf rubbed at his eyes. “Ugh. I’m so tired. I don’t think I explained myself very well. Can you come here?”

Justin stood up and walked over to him, and Raf put his hands on his shoulders, and Justin held his waist.

“All I meant was… this conversation is to-be-continued. And I want you to come back here tonight, as soon as I’m finished working. Okay?”

Justin smiled, then. He could tell Raf meant it. “I’ll be here.”

“Can you do me one more favor?”

“Anything.”

“Consider telling someone else what you told me last night? And maybe talking to someone about us, too? Like Mark or Jack, or one of your friends from soccer? I really think it might help. And it would make me feel better.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it.”

And then Raf kissed him, and it was sad, and sweet, and hopeful, all at the same time. And Justin never wanted it to end, and he could tell that Raf felt that way, too. And they held each other when it was over, and then they said goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Justin went home to take a shower and change his clothes, and then he drove over to Mark and Jack’s house to bring them some lunch and try to take Raf’s advice. They both looked disheveled when they answered the door, and Justin felt a pang of guilt – they were probably exhausted and anxious to get back to their routine. But Jack made a joke, and Justin had brought them food, after all, and he followed them to the kitchen, trying to prepare himself to tell them the story he’d told Raf the night before.

It turned out to be much more difficult the second time around. Raf really _knew_ him, knew so many of his secrets that no one else did, and had been through so many of the same challenges in his life. Justin knew it could have been residual confidence and adrenaline from the time they’d spent in bed together, but telling Raf had been a massive relief.

Telling Mark and Jack was much more challenging, without that shared context, and without the physical and emotional closeness he shared with Raf. He just barely made it through the story, and he was proud of himself for doing it, and grateful to have two more friends who knew a little more about what he’d been through, and what he was going through now. Mark and Jack were attentive, and supportive, and insightful, and as soon as he was finished with the story, he knew what he was going to do next.

He was going to come out to his parents.

He had been thinking all morning about how to convince Raf that they should be together. No, _convince_ wasn’t the right work. He knew Raf wanted it as badly as he did. He just needed to prove himself. He needed to take the pressure of his inexperience and his newly discovered identity off of Raf’s shoulders. He needed to prove that he was ready to be the person Raf had fallen for, every day, all the time.

He locked himself inside Jack’s office, and sat down, and tapped into his parents’ contact page on his phone, reflecting on the fact that he had renamed it twice over the last few years. Originally, it had been labeled ‘Home,’ since he had had a cellphone back in high school, when he’d still lived in his parents’ house. After he’d finally left, he worked hard to stop thinking of that house as ‘Home,’ and he’d changed the contact to ‘Mom and Dad.’ And after more time, and more distance, and more relief, he’d finally changed the contact to ‘Parents.’ They didn’t know this, and they probably wouldn’t think anything of it, even if they found out somehow. But for Justin, it was one more way to distance himself from their influence and their beliefs. One more way for him to feel like he had escaped, and grown, and become better.

He tapped on the ‘call’ icon, and waited for his mother to answer. She worked part time; he was sure she would be home.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mom.”

“Oh, Justin, hi. How has your week been?”

Justin let this one pass. It had been at least three weeks since they’d last spoken, but his mother liked to pretend they were much closer than they were.

“It’s been… a little crazy, actually. I have a couple of things that I need to tell you.”

“Is everything all right?”

“Yeah. Everything’s great, actually.”

“Oh? What’s going on?”

“So… you know how Erin and I ended up breaking up last year?”

“Yes. I still wish you would’ve brought her home with you.”

“Well, it didn’t work out, obviously, so… anyway. I met someone else.”

“Oh, Justin, that’s wonderful!”

Justin paused, trying to accept the fact that nothing would be ‘wonderful’ between them, ever again.

“Yeah. It is. Except… his name is Raf. And he’s incredible. But… yeah. He’s a guy.”

“…Justin… did you stop taking your medication?”

“Mom, I haven’t missed a dose in years. You know that.”

“I only know what you tell me. And you’re not making any sense. I thought you said you _met_ someone-”

“I did. And it’s a guy. That’s why things didn’t work out with Erin, or any other girl before that. I’m… I’m gay.”

There was an extended pause, and Justin found himself fidgeting, as much as he’d tried to steel himself against her reaction. His therapist had pointed it out to him a long time ago – it didn’t matter how well he’d learned to anticipate the ways his parents would let him down. He still hoped that someday, they wouldn’t.

“Did Allison put you up to this?” his mother finally asked.

“God, no, Mom-”

“Watch your _language_ , Justin.”

He sighed.

“It’s true. I’m gay. I knew you guys wouldn’t be happy about it, but there’s nothing I can do about that. And I’ve never been happier, so I hope you can try to be happy for me, too. Eventually.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Justin. Your father and I love you… if you would just come home for a weekend, we could go see Father Brown-”

“No. That’s not happening.”

“But there must be some reason God would tempt you like this. Have you found a church in LA-?”

“No, Mom, that’s not happening, either.” He decided to push the conversation, even though he knew it wouldn’t do any good. “Why do you think I’ve been so miserable for so long? Doesn’t this make sense to you? Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You’ll be happy when you get yourself right with God.”

“God made me like this.”

“No. God made you weak, so you could learn to be strong. Don’t give in to that weakness, Justin.”

Justin sighed again. He’d had different versions of this conversation with her before. He knew where it led. And still, he always hoped.

“You can tell Dad for me. But please don’t tell Ally. I want to talk to her myself when I see her.”

“Justin. You need to try harder to stay away from the homosexuals. I told you, in your line of work-”

“Mom. Enough.”

“And don’t even think about bringing any of them here-”

“Don’t worry. I won’t be home anytime soon. Actually, I won’t be home at all, until you change your mind about that.”

“Oh, Justin, _really-_ ”

“I’m done, Mom. Give me a call if you think you can listen to what I have to say.”

“But-”

 

He hung up. And he took a long, slow breath. And he smiled.

 

* * *

 

 

His phone rang while he was on his way to Raf’s apartment after dinner, and he answered it through the car speakers.

 

“Hey,” Raf said, sounding annoyed.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine, I’m just running behind schedule. I’m really sorry – can I just meet you at your place when I’m done?”

“Yeah, of course. Um. Will you… stay over?”

“As long as you still want me to.”

“I do. I really do.”

“Okay. The sooner I get back to it, the sooner I can see you.”

“See you later.”

 

Justin headed back to his apartment. He had made Raf a batch of homemade peanut butter cups in Mark and Jack’s kitchen, and he put the container in the fridge, and then went to his room to text Allison. He flopped onto his bed and typed her a message:

 

Justin: Hey, could I see you at some point this weekend? I can meet you somewhere

Allison: Of course! I have a meeting close to the city tomorrow morning, maybe after? Or Saturday?

Justin: Cool, I’ll let you know.

 

He set the phone aside, and stared up at his ceiling, and thought about what he was going to say to Raf. They had texted each other several times throughout the day, and Raf had been sweet, and reassuring. He had meant what he said. He was open to continuing the conversation. And he was planning to spend the night, here, in Justin’s bed. So Justin closed his eyes, and imagined what that would be like, and then he fell asleep, and he didn’t wake up again until his doorbell sounded from the living room.

He was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes when he opened the door, and Raf was there, looking equally exhausted, his expression serious.

“Hey,” Justin said. “Are you okay?”

“I thought about you all day,” Raf blurted.

Justin nodded. “Me, too. Come in.”

Raf was kissing him before he was fully through the door, and Justin managed to pull it closed behind them before Raf pushed him up against it. He had his hands on Justin’s waist, and Justin had his hands on his neck and in his hair, and it was like the morning had never happened, like they were back in Raf’s bedroom the night before, like they were really _together_ , the way Justin wanted to be.

 _“Um. I know we should talk,”_ Raf said, when he came up for air.

_“Yeah. We should.”_

_“Okay. Pause? Just for now?”_

_“Yeah.”_

Raf kissed his cheek, and then took a step back from him.

“Uhm… do you want some water?” Justin asked him, forcing his mind to shift gears.

“Sure.”

He filled two glasses with ice and water from the fridge, and handed one to Raf.

“…Do you want to sit down?”

Raf shook his head. “Not really.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

Raf took a sip from his glass, then put it down on the kitchen table. “Justin-”

“Wait. Uhm. Let me go first.”

Justin opened the fridge and took out the container of peanut butter cups. He took off the cover and offered it to Raf.

“Here. Eat one of these.”

Raf raised his eyebrows, took a peanut butter cup out of the container, and took a bite.

“Oh. Oh my _God._ Did you make these?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Thank you-”

“I came out to my mom.”

Raf stopped mid-bite, with chocolate melting onto his fingers, and stared at him.

“You did?”

“Yeah. And I told her about you.”

“…You did?”

“Yes. It’s done. I’ll tell Ally this weekend. I’ll tell whoever you want. If you want me to text everyone I know right now, I will. I’m not confused. I never want to go back to how things were before. I want us to be together. I need you to believe me.”

Raf nodded slowly, looking stunned. “I do. I believe you.”

“And… I’ll still do what you said, if that’s what you need. If you really want to take things slow-”

“I don’t.”

Raf put the unfinished half of his peanut butter cup back in the container, took the container out of Justin’s hands, and set it down on the table.

“You don’t?”

Raf shook his head. “I can’t. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more, in my life-”

He didn’t finish, because Justin was kissing him, pulling him close, his hands on his lower back. And Raf put his hands on Justin’s face, and his neck, and then Justin was walking him backward, into the living room, and then the hallway, and then the bedroom, and they were laughing, and Raf kicked the door shut, and kissed Justin’s face-

“Oh, _shit_ , I got chocolate all over you-”

“It’s fine, I don’t care-”

“No, really, it’s everywhere-”

Raf licked Justin’s cheek, and Justin was still laughing, and Raf did it again-

“Ah hah- that tickles-”

And then his mouth was on Justin’s jaw, and then his tongue was on Justin’s neck, and Justin wasn’t laughing anymore-

 _“Oh-_ ”

Raf nudged under Justin’s chin with the bridge of his nose to tilt his head to the side, and then put his mouth back on the exposed skin, kissing, licking slow circles, grazing his teeth-

 _“Ohh-_ ”

_“You like this?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“You love this?”_

_“Yes.”_

He pulled off Justin’s shirt, and then his own, and then he went back to what he’d been doing – exploring Justin’s neck and shoulder with his lips and tongue – while Justin put his hands on his bare skin. He felt his way from Raf’s ribcage to the narrowest part of his waist, and then he slid his hands around to Raf’s lower back, and Raf started sucking on the back of his neck-

 _“Ah-_ ”

And he slid his hands down – he felt the raised edge of the pockets on the back of Raf’s jeans – and he _squeezed_ , and Raf exhaled, and he did it again-

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can I take your pants off?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Can I put my mouth on you?”_

Justin shivered.

_“Yes.”_

And then Raf was kissing his mouth, and Raf’s fingers were at the front of his jeans, undoing the button, and then Raf’s hands were on his hips, inside his boxers, pushing them down…

And then Raf was on his knees, looking up at him, smiling.

“Don’t hold back, okay?”

Justin shook his head. “I won’t.”

Raf kissed him, first. He kissed down the crease of his hip, and his inner thigh. He kissed his way down the blonde hair under Justin’s belly button, and he pressed kisses into the coarser hair underneath. And then he kissed Justin’s cock, slowly, from the base to the tip, holding it lightly with one hand, his other hand braced against Justin’s hip.

 _“Oh…_ ”

Raf paused at the tip, looking up at him, and then kissed him there again-

_“Oh, God…”_

Raf smiled.

_“Feels good?”_

Justin nodded. The power of logical speech had left him. His heart was pounding. His skin was on fire. He needed to do something with his hands, so he put one over Raf’s on his hip, and the other in Raf’s hair.

And Raf was kissing him again, but the sensation was changing. It was warmer, now. Raf’s lips were wet. Raf’s tongue was lapping at the most sensitive part of his body. And then Raf opened his mouth, and pulled him inside, and Justin’s reality shifted once more, like he’d been walking through life in the dark, and the lights had suddenly come on. His fingers were tight in Raf’s hair, but he didn’t realize it. Raf’s mouth on his cock was the only thing he felt. And Raf was moving slow, but the pressure was already building – Raf’s lips were at the hilt, he was all the way inside – and Justin didn’t want to come yet, he didn’t want it to be over, he prayed for one more minute – but that particular prayer went unanswered. He couldn’t wait, he couldn’t stop it. He felt Raf pull him deep again, and he came inside Raf’s mouth, and Raf was moving his hips with both hands, sliding him in and out while he broke like waves on the shore.

“Holy _shit_ ,” he said eventually, when Raf stood up and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll go ahead and take that as a compliment.”

Justin nodded. “All the compliments. Every single one. They’re all yours.”

Raf giggled, and put his arms around Justin’s shoulders, and Justin hugged him close.

_“I’m sorry. I tried to make it last.”_

Raf pulled back to look at him. “You were perfect. We have all night. The next time will be even better.”

“The next time?”

“Yup. Round two. Whenever you’re ready.”

Justin squeezed his hands around Raf’s hips.

“Let me try it, first?”

Raf raised his eyebrows. “Really? You don’t have to-”

“I know. I want to. Just tell me what to do.” He was already undoing the button on the front of Raf’s jeans. It was strange, doing it backwards; it took his fingers a moment to adjust. He’d never undressed someone else, before.

He finished unzipping Raf’s jeans, but he didn’t pull them down right away. He put his hands on Raf’s lower back instead, and then slid them down inside his boxers, and spread his fingers over the curve of his ass. Raf exhaled, and then smiled.

“Feels so good, Justin.”

“You like this?”

“Yes.”

Justin got on one knee and slid Raf’s jeans down to his feet, and then he stood back up, and pulled Raf toward the bed.

“What else do you like?”

They stood at the edge of the bed, holding hands.

“I loved it when you rolled me over last night. I liked feeling your weight on me.”

“Okay.” Justin pulled the blankets back. “Lay down.”

Raf laid down on his back, and Justin climbed over him, and straddled him, and kissed him. He felt Raf’s cock pressing against his inner thigh, and he reached between them, and held it in his hand. It was halfway hard, and he felt it start to swell in response to his touch.

 _“What else?”_ he asked, looking in Raf’s eyes.

 _“I like it when you kiss me here,”_ Raf said, brushing his fingertips over his throat. _“And I think I’d like it here, too.”_ He ran his thumb over his right nipple. _“And… pretty much anywhere. Just kiss me. Anywhere you want.”_

Justin started with Raf’s mouth, and he felt like Raf was kissing him back with his whole body. He could feel that Raf was fully hard now, and Raf had one hand around the back of his head, pulling him down, or pulling himself up, pressing himself closer and closer. And Justin found it intoxicating, that he could make Raf feel this way, that he could be good at this. That Raf _wanted_ him like this. So he covered Raf’s throat in kisses, and he ran his tongue in circles over Raf’s nipple, and he kissed his way down the smooth, flat plane of Raf’s stomach. And Raf squirmed, and gasped, and said _Yeah, just like that_ , and then Justin was kneeling between his legs, and holding Raf’s cock in his hand.

“Okay,” he said. “Tell me what to do.”

“Uh.” Raf propped himself up on his elbows. “Okay. So… careful with your teeth? And… don’t try to swallow, this time. I’ll tell you when to stop. You can go slow. And… just kiss me. Like you always do.”

Justin took a breath. He had thought this would be a huge hurdle to clear, but it didn’t feel like that, now. Raf made everything feel so easy. And being inside Raf’s mouth had been the sexiest, most intimate thing that had ever happened to him. He wanted Raf to feel like that, too. He wanted to make Raf happier than he’d ever been before. He wanted Raf to remember this moment for the rest of his life.

So he bent down, and kissed the head of Raf’s cock, just like he’d kissed his lips, more times than he could count. And Raf sighed, and nodded down at him, and he did it again, and again. And then he started to use his tongue, the way he did when Raf opened his mouth for him, and Raf moaned, and put a hand in Justin’s hair, moving his fingers every time he kissed or licked. And then Raf started leaking precum, and Justin thought that was a good sign, and he only hesitated for a second before he lapped it with his tongue, licking along Raf’s slit-

 _“Ah-_ ”

The taste was faintly salty, and it was warm, and Justin found that he didn’t mind the feel of it on his lips and his tongue, and he felt incredible relief, because he wanted to be able to do this – he _needed_ to be able to do this – and he opened his mouth, and pulled the head of Raf’s cock inside. And Raf flattened himself against the bed, and let out a long, low moan, and Justin pulled him further in – it was easy, he fit perfectly – and he bobbed up and down, from the midpoint to the tip-

 _“Fuck, Justin, just like that-_ ”

And Justin kept it up while Raf sighed, and moaned, and started to rock his hips. Raf bent one leg and leaned his knee against Justin’s side, and Justin loved the extra contact between them, and he slid his free arm under Raf’s thigh and held onto him.

_“God… feels so good…”_

And then Justin remembered the way Raf had held onto him the night before, how his whole body shook with pleasure when he came, and he tightened his fingers around the base of Raf’s cock, and he moved his mouth a little faster-

 _“Oh-_ ”

Raf was getting tense – his fingers were digging into Justin’s shoulder – and Justin picked up the pace a little more-

 _“Oh- fuck- fuckfuck-_ ” He tapped Justin’s shoulder. _“I’m close- Use your hand-_ ”

And Justin pulled his mouth away, and he stroked Raf like he had the night before, and it was over in a few seconds – Raf held tight to his arm, and squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed the side of his face against his pillow, and he came all over Justin’s hand, and midway up his stomach. And Justin throbbed – he was hard again, already – and he stroked at Raf while the orgasm ran its course, watching the rise and fall of his chest and stomach, until Raf looked down at him and smiled.

“That was _incredible._ You did _amazing.”_

“Really?”

“Really. Thank you.”

Justin grinned. Did people usually thank each other after sex? Or was Raf just the sweetest person on Earth?

“It was… really fun,” he said, sincerely.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He took his hand away from Raf’s cock, and examined the cum that had splashed over the back of it.

“Uh… have you ever tasted it?” Raf asked. “Like, your own?”

“No. Never.”

“You can try it, if you want. I mean, only if you want to. No pressure.”

Justin remembered the way Raf had licked his stomach clean the night before. He’d had no idea that that was something people did, on purpose, because they enjoyed it, but watching Raf lick and swallow his cum had been inexplicably arousing.

He decided to try a small drop from the back of his hand, and he didn’t love the consistency, but the taste was surprisingly tolerable, so he bent over Raf’s stomach, and ran his tongue from the curve of his hip to his belly button.

“Holy _shit_ , that’s so hot,” Raf said, his eyes wide.

“It’s… kind of sweet,” Justin said. “The taste, I mean.”

“Okay, good. It’s the pineapple. From the smoothies.”

“Oh. Did mine taste like that, too?”

“A little bit. It works better if you have it more often. But I like the natural taste, too. I just… really like swallowing. It’s a turn-on. I was hoping it didn’t gross you out.”

“No, not at all… I liked it.”

“Really?”

Justin nodded, and licked another path up to Raf’s belly button. He was acclimating to the strange consistency, and Raf’s breathing had just caught, when he’d dragged his tongue over his skin, so he licked the rest of the cum off of Raf’s belly, and then put his mouth onto his halfway-soft cock, and licked that clean, too.

And then Raf sat up on his knees, and took hold of Justin’s face, and kissed him, and it was fierce, and desperate. And then he reached between them and wrapped his fingers around Justin’s cock – he was hard again, he’d been hard ever since he’d started trying to make Raf come – and Raf kept on kissing Justin’s mouth while he started to stroke, until Justin needed some space to vocalize, and then he put his mouth on Justin’s neck, instead.

 _“Ready for round two?”_ he breathed, close to Justin’s ear.

_“Oh, God, yes.”_

_“Don’t worry about making it last. I can do this all night. As many times as you want.”_

_“Raf?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_I love you,_ Justin thought.

_“This is… you’re…”_

Raf grinned at him. _“I know. You, too.”_

And then Raf stretched Justin’s legs out on either side of himself, and braced his hands on the bed, and swept himself onto his belly in one fluid motion. And then he braced his forearms on Justin’s thighs, and wrapped his fingers around Justin’s cock, and pulled it into his mouth.

And Justin’s sense of time dissolved, and they took turns until their bodies were sore and spent, and then they held each other, face-to-face in a tangle of limbs – Raf’s knee resting on top of Justin’s hip – and Justin kissed Raf’s forehead over and over until his eyelids started to fall shut.

_“Justin.”_

_“Uh-huh.”_

_“I wanted this so much. I’m so sorry I made you wait.”_ His eyes were closed.

_“I would’ve waited a lot longer than a day.”_

Raf smiled. _“How long, do you think?”_

_“I already waited for twenty-five years. I’d do it all over again if I knew I could be with you, after.”_

_“Twenty-five years. I think we should make up for lost time.”_

_“Me, too.”_


	11. Chapter 11

Justin woke up when his alarm went off at 8:00 AM, and he slid carefully out from underneath Raf’s arm. He silenced his phone, and Raf went on sleeping, and he paused for a moment to stare. The blankets were in complete disarray, and Raf was on his side with the sheet draped partially over his top leg and his stomach. He was naked everywhere else, a collection of gentle curves and long, straight lines, and his skin was a beautiful contrast against the bright white of the sheets. Justin resisted the temptation to kiss his way down his side and hip and leg, and went to his closet to take his pill instead. Then he went to the kitchen and downed a protein shake, and deliberated.

He felt sticky from head to toe, and even though he’d loved every second of the previous night, he’d blown right past his boundaries in terms of hygiene and general cleanliness, and it was starting to take a toll. He wanted to shower with Raf, and he briefly considered waking him up, but then decided against it. Raf needed the extra sleep. If he wanted to shower together, Justin could just take another one later on. He guessed he could be finished and back in bed before Raf woke up, but he texted him to let him know where he’d be, just in case. Then he went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth while the shower was heating up, and then stepped under the water.

It felt incredible to rub shampoo through his hair and rinse his skin clean. He couldn’t wait to try this out with Raf, to feel Raf’s fingers smoothing through his hair-

_“Justin?”_

“Oh, _FUCK-_ ” Justin said aloud.

It was Allison, calling for him from the living room.

_“My meeting got cancelled! I brought muffins!”_

“No, no- _ALLY-_ ” He yelled her name as he bolted out of the shower and grabbed for a towel, but he knew it was no use. His bedroom was the first door on the hallway, and he’d left it open. The bathroom door was further down. She’d check the bedroom first.

He scrambled down the hallway and found her standing just inside his bedroom door, staring at the far end of the room. He went inside and saw Raf sitting up in his bed, holding the sheet up around his stomach, his cheeks looking flushed.

“Uh… Justin… can you get me some pants?”

Allison’s head snapped toward Justin, and she stared at him, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open.

“Justin… there’s… there’s a naked person in your bed!”

“God- Ally- Get out of here!”

He pushed her through the doorway and shut and locked the door, and then flattened his back against it, looking in Raf’s direction.

“Oh my God, I’m _so_ sorry…”

But Raf was laughing, with his hands on his cheeks.

“I’m guessing that’s Allison?”

“Yeah. She has a key. I had _no_ idea she was going to stop over here-”

“Justin! It’s fine!” Raf slid out of the bed and started pulling on a pair of sweatpants. “Uh… what do you want to do, though?”

“Well… I want you to meet her, obviously.”

“Really?” Raf was pulling on a t-shirt, and Justin went to find some clothes in his closet.

“Of course. I’d just rather not be naked when it happens.”

“Uh. I think that ship might’ve sailed.”

Justin finished pulling on a pair of shorts, and Raf was there with a shirt, which he pulled down over Justin’s head.

“Okay.” Justin took a handful of small breaths. “Ready?”

“Hang on. Slow down for a second.” Raf put his hands on Justin’s shoulders, and kissed him. And Justin leaned into him, grateful for a moment of stillness, and sweetness. And then they hugged each other, and Raf said, “You’re sure about this?”

“I am. I promise.”

Justin led him by the hand to the living room, where Allison was leaning against the couch. She straightened up and stared at them as they approached her, hand-in-hand.

“Hey, Ally. Uh… this is Raf.” He looked at Raf’s face, and Raf smiled at him, and it made him feel brave. “My… boyfriend.”

The grin that spread across Raf’s face made it all worth it. Justin had said the word in his mind many times since Raf had come into his life, but this was the first time he’d said it out loud, and he thought that it sounded a little strange, but only because it was new, and lovely, and exciting.

Allison was still staring between the two of them, so Raf stepped forward and extended his hand. “Hey. It’s so nice to meet you. I feel like I know you already… oh, shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that Justin says nice things about you.”

She shook his hand and said, “Wow,” her tone incredulous, her eyes traveling over Raf’s face. “I’m really sorry I saw you mostly naked.”

Justin put his hand on his forehead.

 _“Jesus,_ Ally.”

But Raf was giggling. “It’s all right. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“My fault. I know I should’ve texted first.” She looked at Justin, her expression apologetic. “I just wanted to surprise you.”

“I know that. It’s just… this isn’t how I was planning to tell you.”

“I’m sure. So… let’s just have a do-over. Tell me everything.”

“Okay.” He took a deep breath, and looked at Raf, and then realized the situation was fairly self-explanatory. “So… I’m gay.”

She smiled and nodded, and then she burst into tears.

“Oh, Ally-”

She threw her arms around his shoulders.

“I’m _so_ happy for you, Justin,” she said, sniffling.

“Ally, please don’t cry-”

“I can’t help it!” she wailed, her arms still locked around Justin’s neck. “I’m just so _proud_ of you…”

Justin gave her a squeeze, embarrassed, but so grateful. He knew he couldn’t have hoped for a more supportive response. He knew he was lucky.

Raf caught his eye, and smiled at him, and then he went and grabbed a handful of tissues from the box on the coffee table. He held them out for Allison as soon as she let Justin go, and she accepted them gratefully.

“Thank you. You’re so sweet.” She looked at Justin. “He’s so sweet!”

Justin nodded. “He is.”

“Come on,” she said, wiping at her nose. “Let’s eat. I want to hear about _everything._ ”

 

* * *

 

“Wow,” Raf said, once Allison had let herself out of the apartment, and he and Justin were alone at the kitchen table. “She is _awesome._ ”

Justin nodded. “I can tell she really likes you. She’ll probably text me about it later.”

His phone buzzed on the table, and he picked it up, and laughed. “Wow. She didn’t even make it to the elevator.”

He held the screen up for Raf to see.

 

Ally: HE IS SO PERFECT I CAN’T STAND IT

 

“Oh, God, she’s so sweet.” Raf ran his hands through his hair. “Tell her I think she’s fantastic.”

Justin typed the message, and then set the phone aside.

“So… do you have to work today?” Justin asked.

“No. I’m all yours.”

He held out his hand, and Raf took it.

“What do you want to do?”

“I was actually hoping I could get my Facebook page back up,” Raf said. “I thought a lot about what you said. I don’t want to let my family beat me like that. So… maybe you could go through it for me, if you’re still up for it?”

“Absolutely. Want to do it right now?”

“Yeah. And then I need a shower. And after that… I think we should get back in bed.”

Justin raised his eyebrows. “Really? You’re not… like… sick of me, yet?”

“Not even close. I’m ready for round…” He looked up at the ceiling, counting silently on his fingers. “Four.”

Justin laughed. “Me, too.”

They went back to Justin’s bedroom, and Raf logged onto Facebook using his computer. Justin followed the prompts to reactivate Raf’s account, and then started scrolling through his page, while Raf stretched out on his bed and watched YouTube videos on his phone.

Justin scrolled through Raf’s recent posts, but he didn’t see any of the messages Raf had described. That didn’t seem right, so he logged into his own account on his phone’s browser, and checked Raf’s page… and there they were. Dozens of comments on several of his posts, all of them vicious, and cruel. Justin had to look away from the screen a few times to keep his composure.

He did some Googling, and realized that the posts were no longer visible from Raf’s account because the people who had made them had blocked him. But they were all still visible to everyone _else._ He explained this to Raf as gently as he could, and Raf gave him permission to delete the affected posts altogether. He did, and then he double- and triple-checked all of Raf’s posts from the last month, making sure he hadn’t missed any of the offending comments. Then he tapped into his own settings on his phone, and changed his status to _In a Relationship._

“Okay, I’m ninety-nine percent sure I got everything. Do you want me to go back further than a month?”

“No, you did more than enough.”

“Think you’re ready to log back on?”

“Yeah.”

Raf tapped at his phone screen; Justin assumed he must be logging back into the app.

“Okay. Uh. Check my page, too,” Justin said.

Raf was quiet for another moment, and then he looked up from his phone, and smiled.

“I’ll change my status, too.”

“Only if you want to.”

“I absolutely do. Uh… let’s not link them, yet, though. You should think about how you want to tell the rest of your friends, and everything.”

Justin nodded. “Okay. But… you want to link them? After I tell everyone?”

“Of course I do.”

“Okay. That’s good.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. “This really means a lot to me, Justin.”

“Me, too.”

“Shower with me?”

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

Raf brushed his teeth while Justin adjusted the temperature of the shower, and then they took their time undressing each other, kissing slowly, feeling each other’s skin. And then Raf stepped into the small glass enclosure, and pulled Justin in with him, and Justin protected Raf’s eyes with his hand as the water ran over his hair, and Raf traced the lines of Justin’s stomach with his fingertips.

“Justin? Want to wash my hair?”

Justin kissed his forehead. “Yeah. Here. Lean against me.”

There was barely enough room for the two of them in the stall, and Justin didn’t want water pouring over Raf’s hair while he was trying to wash it, so he leaned his back against the tile and pulled Raf’s body against him. Then he opened his shampoo bottle and squeezed some of the gel into his palm, and started smoothing it through Raf’s hair. He made sure it was evenly distributed, and then he held the back of Raf’s head and worked his fingers through, creating suds, smoothing through tangles, massaging Raf’s scalp. Raf had his eyes closed, and he was sighing happily, his hands on Justin’s hips.

“I like how your hair is longer, right here,” Justin said. “I like that I can do this.” He smoothed Raf’s fringe through his fingers, and came away with a handful of suds.

Raf nodded. “That feels so nice. I like it when you touch my hair.”

“I like it when you touch mine, too. I wish I could grow it longer.”

Raf opened his eyes. “You can’t?”

Justin shook his head. “It really bothers me if the style gets messed up. It’s just easier to keep it short. Or… that was true, a long time ago. I haven’t let it grow out for years. I’m… I’m a lot better, now, than I used to be. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me, now.”

“It’s perfect the way it is.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Raf ran his fingers through Justin’s hair, just over his forehead, where it was longest. “It’s so much softer than I thought it would be. Before I knew you, I mean.”

Justin closed his eyes for a moment, his hands still cradling Raf’s head.

“You like that?”

Justin nodded.

“I want to know all the things you like.”

“If I knew, I would tell you.”

“Don’t worry.” Raf kissed the side of his face. “We’ll figure it out.”

Justin opened his eyes. “I’m not worried about anything. And I can’t even remember the last time that was true.”

Raf was looking back at him, and there were water droplets clinging to his eyelashes, and the brightness of the overhead light had turned the center of his irises to gold.

“You make me really happy, Justin.”

Justin nodded.

“I’ve never been happier in my life.”

Shampoo was starting to trickle down the side of Raf’s forehead, and Justin didn’t want it to sting his eyes, so he tilted Raf’s head back under the water, and rinsed his hair. And then Raf picked up one of the bars of soap, and offered it to him.

“Want to?”

“Yeah.”

Justin rubbed it between his hands, and then smoothed the suds over Raf’s chest and shoulders. Then he told Raf to raise his arms over his head, and he moved the soap over his underarms and down his sides. He concentrated on Raf’s stomach for a while, moving one hand in a circular pattern, holding Raf’s hip with the other, remembering why Raf needed this shower so badly. Thinking about how Raf looked in the middle of an orgasm, his stomach contracting, and then painted white. Thinking about the expression on his face when Justin had first swallowed for him.

Justin let the water wash the suds away, and then he got down on one knee, and pressed his lips to Raf’s stomach. He smoothed suds down each one of his legs while he kissed his way around Raf’s belly button, and then he rested his face against Raf’s thigh while he lathered his hand again, and smoothed the suds over Raf’s halfway-hard cock.

 _“Mm… Justin… your hands feel so nice…_ ”

He tried to be as gentle as possible. He’d given this area of Raf’s body a lot of attention, the night before. He didn’t want to wear him out, or make him sore. He was equally cautious with Raf’s balls, since he wasn’t completely confident touching them yet – they were so delicate, it made him nervous, and he had never experimented much with his own, in a sexual context – but Raf was humming, and touching his hair, and telling him it felt so, so good.

And then he stood up, and he kissed Raf’s lips, and he went on kissing him while he smoothed suds between his shoulder blades, and down to his lower back –

 _“Oh… I can do the rest, if you want…_ ”

_“No. I want to.”_

_“Are you-? Oh- Ah-_ ”

Justin was smoothing suds over Raf’s ass, and pulling and kneading at the same time, and their hips were pressed together, and he could feel that Raf was fully hard, now. He had been kissing his way along Raf’s shoulder, but he stopped, because he needed to concentrate, because his hands were shaking a little.

He washed his own body like this every single day. He could do this, he knew he could. But he was nervous, because this wasn’t just a shower. They weren’t just washing up. He was about to establish a new level of trust and intimacy between them. He was about to get closer to Raf than he’d ever been to anyone in his life.

And Raf wanted him to, right? His breathing was shallow, his cheek pressed against Justin’s shoulder. His body was soft and warm and willing in Justin’s arms. But Justin needed to be sure.

_“Raf? Can I…?”_

_“Yes. Please.”_

Justin closed his eyes, and slid his hand between Raf’s cheeks, and smoothed his fingertips over Raf’s opening, as gently as he could. And Raf made a small sound, and leaned against him, so he did it again, and again, and Raf’s fingers caressed the back of his neck, and Raf’s lips were on his shoulder, and Justin added more suds until there was almost no friction, and he used three fingers to rub slow, gentle circles while Raf swayed and melted against him.

_“Is this okay?”_

_“It’s amazing.”_

_“I don’t know what to do next.”_

_“Do you want me to show you?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay. Let’s get back in bed.”_

They kissed each other, and rinsed themselves clean, and then they dried themselves off in the bathroom, and left their towels behind. They went back to Justin’s bedroom, and Raf grabbed his backpack from the closet, and brought it onto the bed with them.

“Uh… I wasn’t sure if you had lube, here,” he said. “I brought some with me.”

Justin raised his eyebrows. Obviously Raf had been planning on doing more than just talking when he’d been packing his bag the night before.

“I don’t have any. I… I’d actually never even used it, before.”

Raf smiled at him. “That’s totally fine. I brought options. Um… how much do you care about stains on your sheets? Like, the kind that won’t wash out.”

“I have plenty of extra sheets. I don’t care about that.”

“Okay. That’s good. I have lube that doesn’t stain, but it just doesn’t work as well for… anal stuff.” He pulled a small bottle with a pump dispenser out of his backpack. Then he took Justin’s left hand and pumped a small bead onto the pad of his thumb. Justin rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger.

“It feels thick.”

“Yeah. Friction is the enemy, in this case.”

“So… you’ve done this a lot?” Justin tried to sound casual, even though he knew might not be thrilled by the answer.

“Yeah.” Raf’s eyes went wide with realization. “Wait! No! No, no… I meant, by myself.”

“Oh.” Justin felt himself smiling. He’d vowed not to hold Raf’s prior experiences against him, but he couldn’t help feeling relieved.

“Justin… I know I haven’t really gotten that specific about my dating history, or anything, but there really isn’t much to tell. I’ve gotten a lot more creative by myself in my bedroom than I ever have with another person. You know about everything that happened with Caleb, and I’ve met guys since then, but… I haven’t even kissed anyone since we broke up.”

“Really? You could’ve, but you didn’t?” Things had happened so naturally between them, Justin had assumed that Raf must be much more experienced.

“Sure. I could’ve done lots of things, but I didn’t. I mean, before Caleb…” He put his hand on the back of his neck, looking embarrassed. “There was one guy, in college. We traded hand-jobs for a while before I figured out something that casual wasn’t going to work for me. I was nineteen. And I understand, if it makes you upset. I know I would hate thinking about you with someone else. You’re… special. To me.”

Justin stared at him for a moment, and then he took the bottle out of Raf’s hands, and put it down on the bed. And then he kissed him, and guided him down onto a pillow, until Raf was flat on his back, and Justin was partially on top of him, his hand cradling Raf’s cheek, his leg draped over Raf’s thigh.

 _“I’m not upset,”_ he said, between kisses. _“I’m glad you told me. And I wouldn’t change a thing about you, or what you’ve been through. You’re perfect.”_

And then he kissed his way down Raf’s neck while Raf held onto him, and he slid his hand down Raf’s belly, and he felt Raf’s erection brushing against his forearm.

 _“Okay,”_ he said. _“Tell me what to do with my fingers.”_

Raf smiled. He groped for the bottle, and Justin held his hand palm-up, and Raf pumped twice onto his fingers.

_“Put that on me. All around the outside, like you did with the soap.”_

Justin reached down between Raf’s legs and felt for the tight ring of his opening, and then he smoothed the lube over and around it, reminding himself to go slow.

 _“Perfect. Okay. Give me your hand again.”_ Raf held his hand vertically, and Justin did the same, and then Raf pressed their palms together. He was looking at the discrepancy; Justin’s hands were broad, his fingers longer and wider than average. Raf’s fingers were a little shorter, and much more slender. _“Alright. Start with this one.”_ Raf tapped Justin’s middle finger, then looked in his eyes. _“And, Justin… we can stop anytime. If this doesn’t work for you, we’ll just stop, okay?”_

_“It will. I want to.”_

_“Okay. Just go slow.”_ He pumped more lube onto Justin’s fingers. _“I’m ready when you are.”_

Justin put his hand between Raf’s legs again, and felt for his opening with the pad of his middle finger. He pressed around the ring of tight muscle, more to get his bearings than anything else, but Raf sighed and closed his eyes, obviously taking pleasure in the sensation. Once he had a feel for the pressure he was up against, he put the pad of his finger in the center and _pressed,_ and the tip slid inside much for easily than he’d anticipated. Raf tensed a little, but he relaxed right away, and then nodded.

Encouraged, Justin applied more pressure, and he felt his finger start to slide further in. The inside of Raf’s body felt completely different than the puckered outer rim; it was velvety soft, and incredibly warm. There was still an intense tightness – it was just more evenly distributed – and Justin wondered what actual _sex_ would feel like, if Raf’s body could put this much pressure on a single finger-

 _“Okay, pause,”_ Raf said, and Justin stopped right away. Raf started to rock his hips a little, and Justin felt the muscle around his finger contract and release several times. _“Okay. Go like this.”_ Raf put his hand on Justin’s forearm, and moved the pad of his middle finger in gentle circles. Justin imitated the movement, and Raf broke into a grin, and squirmed a little, and said, _“Uh huh. Just like that.”_

Justin concentrated until he was sure he could keep up the movement without giving it his full attention, and then he pressed his lips to Raf’s neck, and kissed his way down to his chest, and put his mouth over his nipple, moving his tongue in slow circles-

_“Oh-”_

Raf tightened around him, just for a second. Justin licked his nipple again, and it happened again. He smiled.

_“That feels good?”_

_“Oh, God, yes. Uh. You can go a little further, now.”_

Justin stopped massaging and _pressed_ instead, and then he was inside all the way past his knuckle-

_“Wait, wait- Okay, go like this-”_

Raf had his hand on Justin’s forearm again, and be bent his middle finger, pressing the pad of it into Justin’s skin. Justin tried it, and Raf gripped his arm, and arched his torso off of the bed, grinding himself against Justin’s hand in the process-

_“Ohh okay okay yes- Um- Keep doing that- Slow-”_

Justin did his best to repeat the motion. The pace and the angle were a little awkward at first, but he eventually found a rhythm-

_“A little faster-”_

And the quicker pace was even easier, and Raf was flushed along his chest and up through his cheeks, and Justin put his mouth on Raf’s nipple again and lapped his tongue-

_“Oh, fuck-”_

Raf was grinding against him continuously now, and Justin got the sense that he was seeking more contact.

_“Faster?”_

_“Uh huh… And… a little harder?”_

Justin throbbed. He’d been too nervous and too focused on Raf to notice what his own body was doing up to this point, but he was fully hard now – he was leaking precum onto Raf’s hip – because Raf was stunning, and breathless, and he was squeezing so tight around Justin’s finger that it ached-

_“Oh, God, Justin-”_

_“Want me to suck on you?”_

_“Uh huh- yes- please do that-”_

Justin grinned, and shifted his position, and pulled Raf’s cock into his mouth without hesitation. Making Raf come was quickly becoming his favorite activity. He loved everything about it. He loved the way Raf’s body felt and reacted. He loved the way Raf could be so hard and strong, and so sweet and soft, all at the same time. He loved the way Raf talked to him with lightness and humor, even when he was so worked up that he could barely speak. He loved the glow of quiet affection and happiness that came afterward – the way Raf clung to him, or melted against him, or held him. The emotions he experienced with Raf were bigger, and brighter, and stronger than anything he’d ever felt before, and he had given himself over to those feelings.

It took him a moment to find his stride, because Raf wanted his finger to move fast, and his mouth to move slow, but it was easy to tell when he’d finally got it right. Raf grabbed onto his bicep, so tight that it hurt, and the muscles in his chest and stomach rippled and contracted with his labored breathing, and his eyes were squeezed shut, and he was whimpering incoherently-

_“Ah- Uh huh- uh-”_

And this time, when he came, he _shot_ , deep into Justin’s throat, and Justin felt like he wanted to cough, but he swallowed instead-

_“SLOW-”_

And he followed Raf’s directions, contractions squeezing so tight against his aching finger while Raf rode them out, and then Raf told him to stop, and he pulled out, and sat up, and Raf tackled him onto the bed, and kissed his mouth, and pressed their bodies together.

And Justin thought that if heaven really existed, it couldn’t possibly be better than this, and that if he was supposed to choose between heaven and Raf, like he was raised to believe, then he would choose Raf, every time.

 _“Baby,”_ Raf breathed, his hands in Justin’s hair. _“Can I call you baby?”_

Justin nodded, because he liked the way it made him feel – dizzy, and light, and safe.

_“You’re amazing. Thank you.”_

Justin smiled. _“I did okay?”_

 _“You were perfect.”_ Raf kissed his forehead. _“Want to go wash your hands? I won’t be offended. I promise.”_

Justin’s smile widened.

_“Yeah. Come with me.”_

They washed up at the bathroom sink, and then they got back in bed together, laying down face-to-face.

“So… that was okay for you?” Raf asked, tracing the lines of Justin’s chest with his fingertips.

“It was amazing.”

“Okay. It’s your turn. And you have options.”

Justin grinned. “Oh yeah? Is there a pamphlet?”

Raf giggled. “I’ll type one up for you.”

“Excellent. You can give me the short version in the meantime.”

“Okay. So… obviously, anything we’ve done so far is on the table. But… we could also talk about… having sex.”

Justin sat up. Raf did, too.

“Now?”

Raf was blushing. “Well… yeah.”

“Wow,” Justin said, because thoughts were scrolling through his mind too quickly for him to process.

Raf made a face. “Too much? Too soon?”

Justin shook his head. “No. _No._ Not at all. I’m just… surprised. Based on what you told me before. I thought you were… waiting.”

Raf nodded. “I was. For you.”

 _I wish it had happened with someone who really loved me._ That was what Raf had said. Justin opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and Raf started shaking his head before he could find the right words.

“It’s totally fine if you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have brought it up- _”_

“Of _course_ I want to. More than anything.” Justin picked up his hand, and Raf met his eye. “Really. You believe me?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“It’s just… I don’t know if I can do what you just did. I don’t know if I can…” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely. He wanted to have the conversation, but the words just wouldn’t come.

“You’re not sure if you want me to finger you?” Raf’s voice was gentle.

“I _do_ want you to. I’m just not sure how I’ll react. To fingers, or… anything else.”

 _“Oh._ You’re worried about bottoming?”

Justin nodded.

“Oh, Justin… I’m sorry. I thought it was obvious. I wouldn’t ask you to do that. Not ever, if you don’t want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And I _do_ want to.”

“Oh… but… I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem… fair.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. “Even if it’s what I want?”

“Yeah.” Justin sighed. “It feels… complicated. I mean…” He paused, listening to the way to word sounded in his head, and then forced himself to say it out loud. “ _Sex_ is… such a big deal, to me. I just need it to be right. For both of us.”

Raf was quiet for a moment, and then he nodded. “You’re right. I don’t know why I keep trying to skip ahead.”

“You’re not.”

“It’s just… I needed you to know that I trust you, and I want to be close to you. As close as we can get.”

“I want that, too.”

Raf smiled. “So… you want to start a little smaller, and try to work up to it?”

“Yeah. I do. But… what if I freak out, again?”

“Then I’ll be here. I’ll bring you pizza in bed, and we’ll watch a movie, and try again when you’re ready.”

Justin studied Raf’s expression. Could it really be that easy?

“Okay. What should we do?”

“You should get on your stomach.”

Justin smiled, and rolled over, and stretched out on his belly, hugging his pillow, holding Raf’s gaze.

Raf got onto his knees, and looked Justin over from his face to his toes, and said, “Wow.”

Justin laughed. “Yeah?”

“Uh huh. Can I touch your back?”

“Yeah.”

Raf rested his hand between his shoulder blades, and slid it slowly down to the small of his back. Then he repeated the process, tracing the lines of Justin’s back with his palm, and his knuckles, and his fingertips. And then he pressed his thumb into the muscle of Justin’s left shoulder, and kneaded a small circle there, and Justin sighed, and pressed his cheek against the pillow.

“Feel good?”

“Mmmm.”

Raf giggled. “How about here?” He moved his thumb down and to the left, and Justin felt himself inhale involuntarily – a slow, calming breath that made the pressure of Raf’s hand feel even better.

“Uh huh.”

Raf concentrated on the spot for a while, then switched from his thumb to the heel of his hand, and moved it toward the center of Justin’s back, and pressed. And Justin let the air out of his lungs, and flexed his feet, and said, “Uhhhhh huh.”

Raf giggled again. He kneaded slowly down the middle of Justin’s back, and then concentrated on his lower back for a while, and Justin thought he must be melting against the mattress, and Raf’s hands felt so nice, he wanted to feel them everywhere, all over his body.

And then Raf switched from firm pressure to gentle touching, his fingertips smoothing over the fine hair on Justin’s lower back, and he stretched out along Justin’s side, and kissed his lips. And Justin shifted a little to get a better angle, and they kissed each other slowly while Raf caressed his lower back over and over. And then Raf started covering Justin’s face in kisses, and every time he pressed his lips to Justin’s skin, he moved his hand a little lower, until it was resting on the right cheek of Justin’s ass. And he kept on smoothing slow, gentle circles with his fingertips, just like he’d been doing, and his lips were on Justin’s forehead, and Justin was smiling, because he still felt calm and safe, and Raf was touching him how he wanted to be touched.

_“Justin… I want to make you feel good…”_

Raf was kissing along the back of his shoulder, now.

_“You do. It feels so good.”_

_“Can I try to touch you? Just on the outside?”_

_“Yeah. Just go slow.”_

Raf paused for a second to pump some lube onto his fingers, and then he kissed Justin’s lips again, and slid his hand between his cheeks, and smoothed the pad of his index finger over his opening.

Justin felt his limbs go rigid. The fear response was immediate, and entirely irrational. He knew he was safe, he knew that Raf was being gentle and cautious, but still his body disobeyed him.

_“Justin?”_

_“Don’t stop.”_

Raf had seen it happening, and he’d paused, and waited, but he resumed, now, smoothing a slow circle around Justin’s opening with one finger. And Justin forced himself to take a handful of measured breaths, but his fingers ached – he was gripping the pillowcase too tight – and he didn’t want Raf to stop, because it felt so, so good, but he _needed_ Raf to stop, because he could feel Raf’s desire like a weight pressing down on him. And he was on his belly, and he was helpless, and he knew Raf could just climb on top of him and-

_“Justin. You did so great.”_

He opened his eyes – he hadn’t realized he’d been squeezing them shut – and Raf was there, looking worried, and his hand was between Justin’s shoulder blades again, and Justin turned onto his side, and tucked his head under Raf’s chin.

_“It’s okay, baby. You feel so nice. Do you want to stop, now?”_

_“No.”_

_“You sure?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay.”_

Raf moved his hand gently up and down Justin’s back, and then his side, and then his stomach, and then he held Justin’s cock in his hand – Justin was still hard, he had been hard ever since Raf had put his hand on his ass – and Raf stroked him, and kissed his forehead, and told him sweet things until he came all over Raf’s hand. And then Justin put his knee over Raf’s hip, and pressed their bodies together – his face still pressed against Raf’s chest – and they stayed like that for a long time.


	12. Chapter 12

“Justin?”

“Uh huh?’

 “It means a lot that you tried that, with me.”

Justin tightened his arm around Raf’s waist. He was still laying on Raf’s chest, and their legs were intertwined.

“It means a lot to me, too. It means everything.”

“You think you’d try it again sometime?”

“Yeah. I really want to try to… get more comfortable.”

“Should I wait for you to bring it up? Or do you want me to ask you?”

“Ask me. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough, otherwise.”

“Okay.” Raf kissed the top of his head, and then his stomach growled loudly. “Oh, God. Sorry. I think I’m starving.”

Justin propped himself up and kissed Raf’s forehead. “Me, too. I have no idea what time it is. Do you?”

“None whatsoever. I’m going to guess sometime between noon and three.”

Justin rolled over and grabbed his phone off the night stand, and checked the time.

“Wow. Yeah. It’s after 1:00. Time for lunch. I’ll get you whatever you want.” He had several text notifications waiting, so he scrolled through them, and then thought for a moment.

“Uh… hey, so… Gabe is trying to get everyone together for post-season drinks tonight.”

“That’s cool. You should definitely go.”

“Uh… no. _We_ should definitely go. The guys are all bringing their… people.”

“Oh…” Raf sat up, his eyes wide, his smile huge. “You really want to go together?”

“Of course. The guys I’m actually friends with – you know, the guys you met – they’re really nice. And I don’t think they’ll be that surprised. They spent all season trying to get me to talk about girls.”

Raf laughed. “How was that?”

“Awful. But I do like them a lot. Uh… one more thing, though. There’s a chance that guy Doug will be there, and if he is, he’ll definitely try to give us a hard time.”

“Oh. Yikes. Didn’t you say he grabbed your arm before the game last week?”

“Yeah. I doubt he would do something like that in a restaurant, but… I’m honestly not sure.”

“Okay. Well, I still want to go, but… I’d rather leave than see you get in a fight. I really don’t like violence. Especially after what happened to Jack…”

Justin nodded. “No fighting. I promise. But, for the record… if anyone tried to lay a hand on you, I’d knock their teeth out.”

Raf smiled. “Fair enough.”

“Side note… Christopher is bringing Melissa.”

“No way!”

“Yeah. Sounds like they really hit it off.”

“Oh, God, she’s going to lose her shit. She has _no_ idea you’re gay, she didn’t even ask me about it at the game. Like, why would I just randomly go watch you play soccer? It didn’t even make sense, I was ready with all these excuses, and then… nope. Clueless.”

“Think she’ll make a big deal out of it?”

“Probably.”

Justin sighed. “Just stay close to me, okay?”

Raf grinned. “It’s a date.”

“Oh, shit, you’re right. This will be our first official date, right?”

“Well… yeah, I guess so. Why are you making that face?”

“Because I should’ve asked you better. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

Raf shook his head, still smiling. “It’s fine. You want a do-over?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Uh. Blah blah, thanks for the several orgasms, I’m starving…”

Justin laughed. “Hey, Raf?”

Raf blinked at him, sweetly. “Yeah?”

“Will you go out with me tonight? I really want you to spend some time with my friends.”

“I’d love to.”

“Will you dress me, too? I’m hopeless.”

Raf got on his knees, and pushed Justin down onto his back, and slid on top of him. He ran one hand from Justin’s ribs to his hip. _“You want me to cover this up? Are you out of your mind?”_

Justin laughed, and Raf kissed him from his cheek to his collarbone.

_“Ah- hah- oh, God, that feels good… but, aren’t you hungry?”_

Raf had one of Justin’s wrists over his head, and he was kissing his way down the inside of his bicep.

 _“Uh huh.”_ He traced the muscle with his tongue. _“Starving.”_

 

* * *

 

They were meeting Justin’s friends at a restaurant across town, and they decided to drive, even though the closest public parking garage was several blocks away. Justin parked the car and killed the ignition, but Raf made no move to get out, so he paused with his hand on the door handle.

“Ready?”

“Uh…” Raf’s expression was uncharacteristically neutral. “We forgot to talk about something.”

“Oh. Okay. What’s up?”

“Physical contact in public.”

Justin let go of the door handle. “Oh. Right.”

“So… I don’t do physical contact out on the street after dark, unless it’s really, really safe. Like, in a big group of people, or something. Pretty much every queer person I know has been jumped or followed at night at some point. I just don’t think it’s worth the risk.”

Justin took this in, and he briefly considered arguing the point. He and Raf were both over six feet tall, and strong. He doubted anyone would give them any trouble, and if they did, he guessed they could hold their own in an altercation. But then he remembered what Raf had said about hating violence, and he thought about what had happened to Mark and Jack.

“I understand,” he said.

Raf nodded. “That’s my only real boundary, but I wanted to check with you. I mean, I just wanted to know what you’re comfortable with, when we’re in public. And in front of your friends, and everything.”

Justin thought about it. He had already kissed Raf in public. It had happened spontaneously, and they hadn’t really talked about it since. In private, he wanted to be touching Raf all the time. But in public… he just wasn’t sure, yet.

“I remember, at the beach,” he said, “I really wanted to be able to kiss you, and hug you, and hold your hand, without worrying about it.”

Raf sighed, smiling. “That was a really good day.”

“Yeah. It was perfect. But… I don’t think I wanted us to be all over each other, like at home.”

“Right. Okay, so… non-sexual touching is okay, hugging and kissing if there’s a good reason for it?”

“That sounds good.”

“Do we hold hands? Like, walking around, and stuff?”

“Uh… maybe after I tell my friends?”

“Absolutely.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin told Raf more about Gabe, Christopher and Antonio while they walked to the restaurant. He had been to the place once before, after a game, and he was happy about the choice of location. There was a huge, four-sided bar in the middle of the place, with tons of seating and standing room, so he knew they wouldn’t be walking into a more formal menus-and-tables type of atmosphere.

He and Raf walked into the crowded place shoulder-to-shoulder, and the first person Justin actually recognized was Sophia, Gabe’s fiancée, because her bright red hair stood out from the opposite side of the bar. He led the way through the crowd and found Gabe, Sophia, Christopher, and Melissa leaning against the counter and sipping their drinks. Justin shook hands with Gabe and Christopher while Melissa stared at Raf, looking confused, with her mouth hanging open.

“Oh my gosh, hey!” she said, recovering. She gave Raf a hug. “I didn’t know you were going to be here! Are you, like… joining the team, or something?”

“Uh… I wasn’t planning on it,” Raf said. He caught Justin’s eye, looking nervous, and Justin took a breath, and said,

“He’s with me. We’re together.”

She continued to stare blankly, and Justin made a face. That wasn’t what he had meant to say. He looked at Gabe and Christopher and said, “Uh, guys… you remember Raf? My boyfriend?”

Gabe didn’t miss a beat. He smiled broadly, and extended his hand to Raf, and they shook.

“Glad you could make it, man! It’s good to see you, again.”

“Thanks!” Raf was beaming. “You too!”

“Hang on a second,” Melissa said, frowning, staring between Raf and Justin. “You’re not actually serious _._ ”

Justin nodded. “Yeah, we are.”

She shook her head. “No way.” She gestured to Raf. “Did Mark and Jack put you guys up to this?”

“No, they didn’t,” Raf said. He nudged Justin’s hand with his knuckles, and Justin threaded their fingers together. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Raf went on. “We’ve only been seeing each other for a couple weeks. Be cool, okay?”

Melissa clamped her free hand over her mouth, looking stricken. “Shit! Shit shit shit! I’m so sorry! I… I really thought you were kidding! Oh my God, Justin…” She put her arm around his neck and hugged him. “I’m _really_ sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said, and he meant it. He’d been expecting a range of reactions, including disbelief. He’d never entertained the notion that he might be gay until a couple of weeks ago; he wasn’t surprised that some of his friends hadn’t figured it out, either.

Christopher shook hands with Raf, and then he hugged Justin, too, for the first time since they’d known each other.

“Antonio totally called it,” he said, clapping Justin on the back, and then letting him go. “I said no way. I just thought you would’ve told us before. You could’ve, you know.”

Justin nodded. “I know. That’s why I’m telling you now. I didn’t know, before. This is all new for me.”

“Oh… really?” Christopher looked embarrassed. “So, when…?”

“Like, two weeks ago,” Justin said.

“ _Oh._ Jesus. Wow. But… that’s awesome, man. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

Gabe introduced Sophia to Raf, and they shook hands, and then she gave Justin a small wave. They had met each other once before, at this same bar. She was a child psychologist, and she had been dressed in her work clothes, then – long sleeves, high-waisted pants, and muted makeup – but tonight looked like she belonged on the motorcycle she rode, wearing bright red lipstick and a sleeveless shirt that showed off the tattoos that decorated one of her arms. Justin liked her a lot. She had a calm, welcoming demeanor that reminded him of other people he knew in the mental health profession.

“It’s really nice to see you again, Justin!” The comment wasn’t necessary. They didn’t know each other well. She was showing her support, and Justin liked her even better for it. She and Gabe really fit each other.

“You, too!”

Justin felt a hand on his arm, and he turned and found Antonio grinning up at him.

“Justin! You made it!”

“Yeah, hey, man!”

There was a short girl with long, wavy hair and wide hips holding tight to Antonio’s arm, looking nervous. Antonio introduced her as Amelia, and everyone in the group waved at her, and Justin shook her hand.

“Uh, Antonio… you remember Raf? My boyfriend?”

Antonio didn’t miss a beat, either.

“Of course! How’s it going, man?”

They shook, and then Raf shook Amelia’s hand, too. He leaned over Amelia’s shoulder to say something to her over the noise in the bar, and Justin was close enough to overhear.

“I don’t know anyone here except Justin. We can be overwhelmed together.”

Her expression brightened, and she nodded gratefully, and Justin felt himself start to fall in love with Raf all over again. He looked around the group, and saw Melissa pressed against Christopher’s side, and Sophia’s hand on Gabe’s shoulder, and he took a breath, and rested his hand on the small of Raf’s back. And Raf looked at him, and smiled, and did the same.

Some of the other guys from the team were starting to filter into the bar. A few of them stared a little once they realized Justin had his arm around Raf, but most of them just said hello and went to order drinks. Trevor lingered for a while, and shook hands with Raf, and congratulated Justin again.

“Gabe said you’d play with us again next season,” he said.

“Yeah. I’d love to. And I heard you’re replacing Doug as captain. You deserve it, man.”

“Thanks! Want to consider splitting forward with me? I wouldn’t mind playing defense, sometimes. You were really good.”

“Absolutely.”

“Cool. Oh, hey, my girlfriend’s here…” He waved her over, and introduced her, and then they headed off to find some space at the bar.

Raf leaned close to Justin’s shoulder.

_“Hey. How’s this going for you?”_

Justin nodded. _“Good. I’m glad you’re here. But, oh my God, I feel like I said the word ‘boyfriend’ a hundred times. Do I sound weird?”_

_“No. Welcome to coming out. You’re doing fantastic. Can I buy you a drink? Ginger Ale?”_

_“Sure. Thanks.”_

Raf kissed his cheek, and Justin blushed, and it wasn’t from embarrassment. Raf went to find an opening at the bar and leaned against the counter a few feet away, and Christopher got Justin’s attention.

“Dude. Your boyfriend is _hot._ ”

Everyone stared at him.

“What?” he said. “I can recognize a good-looking dude. He’s a seriously good-looking dude.”

Justin laughed. “Yeah. He is.”

“Does he play soccer, too?” Antonio asked. “He looks like an athlete.”

“No. He runs. He ran track in college.”

Antonio nodded. “I’m sure he could learn. He should join up.”

Raf came back with two sodas, and handed one to Justin.

“I was just saying you should join the league,” Antonio said. “Justin says you can run.”

“Oh. Yeah. A little bit. I’ve never played a real soccer game, though.”

“Come to one of our practices over the winter,” Gabe said. “See if you like it. We can always use subs.”

Raf nodded, smiling. “Sure. I’d love to.”

“What are you guys doing for Halloween?” Melissa asked. “We’re going to a club tomorrow night, if you want to come.”

“Oh, thanks!” Raf said. “I’m not sure, though.” He turned to Justin. “I forgot to tell you, earlier- Jack’s been texting me about a party at Matthias and Amanda’s. I guess they really want us to go.” He leaned a little closer. _“And I really want you to come with me.”_

Justin nodded. _“Matthias texted me, too.”_ He looked around, and saw that everyone else in the group was absorbed in conversation, so he said, _“So… costumes and everything?”_

_“Only if you want to.”_

_“I will, if you help. What should I be?”_

Raf smiled. _“A knight. You know. Shining armor. The whole deal. What should I be?”_

Justin smiled back. _“A superhero. You know. Shining beacon of all that’s good in the world.”_

Raf blushed, and Justin put his free hand on his waist, and kissed him, because it seemed like the thing to do. And Raf kissed him back, and Justin could tell that he was smiling, and he thought about how he was enjoying his friends’ company more than he ever had before, with Raf by his side, and how much safer it felt to order soda instead of a beer, since Raf wasn’t drinking either, and how much easier it was to drift in and out of conversations, because Raf was outgoing, and sweet-

“HOLY _SHIT._ I _KNEW_ IT.”

Justin’s eyes snapped open, and Doug was there, standing behind Raf, with Patrick in tow.

“He’s a fucking queer!” he said, elbowing Patrick in the ribs, and Patrick grimaced.

“Dude, you said you’d be cool-”

“Are you gonna suck his dick right here in this bar, Edwards? Jesus, dude!”

And then everyone was yelling at once. Gabe got right up in Doug’s face, yelling so loudly that Justin couldn’t hear whatever Doug said next. And Christopher slung his arm around Justin’s shoulders, hurling profanity in Doug’s direction, and Patrick was yelling too – “HE TOLD ME HE’D BE COOL, I SWEAR-” And then Trevor and Ricky were there, and Gabe was walking Doug backward toward the exit, and Trevor and Ricky joined in, and the three of them practically threw Doug out of the bar. A cheer went up all around Justin – everyone from the team had been watching the action – and then Patrick approached him, looking mortified.

“Dude… uh… I’m sorry. He told me he wouldn’t be like that.”

“And you believed him?” Christopher said, his arm still around Justin’s shoulders. “I don’t buy it. You’re not _that_ much of an idiot. Just an asshole by association.”

Patrick bowed his head for a moment. “Uh… yeah. Pretty much. Can I buy you guys a round of drinks, or something?”

Justin thought he’d rather take a swing at Patrick’s stupid face, but he took hold of Raf’s hand instead, and said, “I think we’re all set, man.”

“Okay. Uh… maybe some other time?”

“Maybe.”

Patrick looked around, found himself in the middle of hostile territory, and headed for the exit. Christopher gave Justin’s shoulder a squeeze, and then let him go, and went back to Melissa’s side. Gabe, Trevor, and Ricky came back, congratulating each other on an asshole well disposed of, and no one said anything else about the comments Doug had made, or the fact that they’d been directed at Justin. So while everyone’s attention was elsewhere, Justin put his hand on Raf’s back again, and said, “I’m so sorry that happened. Are you okay?”

And Raf smiled at him, and nodded, and said, “I really like your friends.”

And Justin smiled back. “Me, too.”

“I’m just sorry we got interrupted.”

“You want a do-over?”

“Absolutely.”

They kissed each other again, and part of Justin wished they were at home in his bedroom, and part of him was happy that they were in the middle of a bar surrounded by friends, because he was so grateful to have someone to kiss, and he was so proud that that person was Raf. And he thought that the kiss was over too fast, but it wasn’t the last time he kissed Raf that night, because Raf was charming, and witty, and sweet, and lovely, and Justin didn’t have a single drink, but he was intoxicated, just having Raf by his side, watching him light up the room and the people around him. And when they left the bar late that night, he was glad that some of his friends had parked in the same garage, because they walked through the downtown streets in a group, and Raf never let go of his hand.

 

* * *

 

 

“Justin? Hey… baby… time to get up…”

Justin felt Raf’s lips on his shoulder, and he smiled, and opened his eyes.

“There you are!” Raf said. “Are you okay? You slept through your alarm.”

“I did?”

Justin sat up, and Raf handed him his phone.

“Don’t worry! It just went off a minute ago.”

“Oh.” Justin took a breath, relieved. “That’s good. Thanks.” He rubbed at his eyes a little, trying to rouse himself. “I guess I was really tired. Oh… I didn’t fall asleep while we were talking, did I? I don’t remember…”

Raf smiled. “No. We weren’t talking.”

“Shit, were we-?”

Raf giggled. “Not really. You were so cute. You kept dozing off while I was kissing you, and then apologizing.”

“Kissing me where?!”

Raf shrugged. “I’ll give you three guesses!”

Justin laughed. “Hold that thought?”

He went to his closet and swallowed his pill.

“Hey,” Raf called after him. “I keep forgetting to ask you. Why do you keep your pills in your drawer? Like, instead of the bathroom or something?”

Justin came back out and looked at him.

“Uh… no one else knows I have OCD. Well, except Allison, obviously. And I’ve never had anyone else in my bedroom, here, so…”

“Really? None of your other friends know?”

“No.”

“You never thought about telling Christopher? Or Gabe or Antonio? Or… wait… does Mark know?”

“No. He doesn’t. And yeah, I’ve thought about it, but… I just never figured out how to bring it up. It’s hard for me to think about the assumptions people might make. It’s hard enough for me to… you know… make friends. It always felt like I’d be handing people a reason not to like me.”

“It’s one of the reasons I like you so much,” Raf said simply.

“Yeah. But you’re… special.”

Raf tilted his head to one side, looking thoughtful.

“Uh… you want some breakfast?” Justin asked, because everything else he wanted to say felt wrong for the moment.

“Later. Go get your shake. And then come back to bed.”

Justin smiled all the way to the fridge, and when he came back to the bedroom, Raf was stretched out on the left side of the bed, where Justin usually slept.

“I think there’s something wrong with your mattress, over there,” Raf said, his arms thrown over his head, his shirt riding up well above his belly button. “Guess we’ll have to share this side.”

Justin laughed. He loved how flirtatious and affectionate Raf was when they were alone, and he wished he could match him. He’d never given much thought to being perceived as attractive, physically or otherwise, until now. He’d never tried to turn someone on, before.

He hesitated for a moment, and then he walked over to the side bed, and stood over Raf’s reclining form, and pulled his shirt off, and dropped it on the floor. Raf raised an eyebrow, and Justin said, “Too bad the bed’s not bigger. We might get a little hot, all pressed together on one side.”

Raf beamed at him, clearly delighted that he’d taken the bait. “You’re _right._ God, you’re so smart. Wouldn’t want to overheat, right?” He sat up and took his time removing his shirt, and then he handed it to Justin. “There. That should solve the problem. Right?” He resumed his previous position, stretching out on the bed with his arms over his head, one wrist clasped in the opposite hand.

Justin shook his head, folding Raf’s shirt into a neat pile. “I wouldn’t leave your shorts on. It’s not worth the risk. Heat stroke is a very real concern in LA.” He placed the shirt carefully on the night stand.

“Shit. You’re right.” Raf pretended to yawn, loudly. “But I’m just so _tired._ I don’t think I can get up. What should I do?”

Justin climbed over him on the bed – his knees on either side of Raf’s hips, his hands on either side of Raf’s head.

“I might be able to help you out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Maybe.” He hesitated, just for a second. “If you ask really nicely.”

Raf actually bit his lower lip, and the butterflies in Justin’s stomach multiplied.

“Justin?”

“Uh huh?”

“Would you please take my shorts off?”

Justin smiled. “So polite.”

He moved down Raf’s body and kneeled between his legs, and put his hands on Raf’s hips, and ran his thumbs over Raf’s skin. Raf was hard – the thin fabric of his boxers concealed nothing – and Justin felt a swell of pride in his chest, and a flutter of excitement in his belly. _I did this._

He took hold of Raf’s waistband, and Raf planted his feet, and lifted his hips off of the bed. And Justin loved the graceful movement so much, he forgot what he was doing - just for a second - and then he pulled Raf’s boxers down, and pulled them off, one leg at a time.

“Can you do that again?” Justin knew he was supposed to be engaged in flirtatious banter, but he was distracted by the lines of Raf’s body.

Raf smiled down at him, and lifted his lower half off of the bed again, and Justin slid forward, and took hold of his hips, and positioned Raf’s body so that his ass was resting on top of his thighs. And then he held Raf steady with one arm, and held Raf’s cock with his other hand, and bent down, and pulled it slowly into his mouth.

Raf didn’t come like that, though. He came with two of Justin’s fingers inside him, while Justin kissed the front of his throat. And then he rolled both of them over, so that Justin was on his back, and he kissed Justin’s mouth, and slid his hand down Justin’s side, and looked in Justin’s eyes.

_“Want to try again?”_

Justin nodded. He wanted to feel what Raf had felt. He wanted to prove that he could give himself over to Raf, completely. He wanted to make love to Raf in this bed, and he wanted to get one step closer to that beautiful possibility.

And then Raf’s hands were warm and gentle on his ass while Raf kissed his face, and it felt safe, and right, and he leaned into the feeling when Raf squeezed and kneaded him, and Raf said, _“You feel so good, baby.”_

And then Raf’s fingers were warm and slick and gentle against his opening, and Justin tightened his hold on Raf’s hip, and reminded himself that his heart was _supposed_ to be pounding, and forced himself to concentrate on the feeling of Raf’s fingers. And after a while he felt himself start to relax, and he pressed his lips against Raf’s shoulder, and he sighed.

_“Justin? Feel okay?”_

_“Yeah. It feels really good.”_

_“You’re doing so great.”_

_“You, too.”_

Raf grinned, and kissed his forehead.

_“I could do this all day. Or, uh… no pressure… but I could try to put a finger inside…”_

Justin nodded. _“Just go slow.”_

_“I will. I promise.”_

Raf put more lube on his fingers, from a different bottle this time.

 _“This stuff numbs a little bit. It’ll probably be a little uncomfortable at first, but it doesn’t stay like that. The more relaxed you are, the better it’ll feel, so… I thought I would just kiss you like this…”_ Raf kissed his lips, so soft and gentle that Justin found himself holding his breath. _“Sound okay?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Okay.”_ Raf put his fingertips against Justin’s opening again. _“I’ll wait until you tell me.”_ He rubbed a slow, tiny circle with the pad of his middle finger, and Justin took several long breaths, and said,

_“Okay. Go ahead.”_

He felt pressure, and then an uncomfortable burning sensation, and he felt his arms and legs stiffen-

_“It’s okay, baby. It’ll get better. I’ll just wait while you adjust, okay?”_

He nodded, but his eyes were squeezed shut, and Raf was kissing his shoulder, and he knew it was meant to be soothing, but it felt intrusive and distracting-

_“Justin?”_

He was trying to breathe, trying to concentrate, trying to let himself feel what he was supposed to feel-

_I want this. I want you. I do. I do. I do._

He said the words in his head over and over, but it was no use. It was the discomfort. He knew it was. There was pleasure underneath it, but it kept slipping away from him. And then the pain was all he felt, and his body was locking up, and the pain got even worse, and it was terrifyingly familiar, because he’d spent years imagining what it would be like to be held down, and forced, and torn apart-

“STOP.”

The pressure was gone, but the pain lingered, and Justin opened his eyes, and Raf was there, on his knees, holding up both his hands-

“Justin… are you okay?”

Justin sat up and hugged his knees close to his chest.

“Yeah. I’m… I’m sorry.”

Raf shook his head.

“Can I hug you?”

“Yeah.”

Raf put his arms around his shoulders, and pressed their foreheads together, and Justin breathed in the smell of him. He wished he could take it back. He hadn’t wanted to tell Raf to stop. He’d wanted to push through it. He’d wanted Raf to stay close.

“Justin…” Raf let him go, and sat back on his knees. “You did really well. You did _so_ great. But… listen. I don’t need you to do this, for us to be together. And I don’t need you to bottom, for us to have sex. I promise, I don’t. I’ll prove it to you. Whenever you’re ready.”

Justin squeezed his fingertips into his palms. “Raf… just… don’t give up on me yet.”

“I’m not. I won’t.”

“I want to get better. I want to keep trying.”

Raf nodded. “Okay. We can. We will. As long as you _promise_ me that I’m not… hurting you.”

“You’re not. I promise.” Justin reached over and took his hand. “I’m pretty sure you’re healing me.”

Raf smiled a little. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

Raf kissed his lips, and that sweet sadness was there again, and Justin wanted to change it back into passion and heat, and to pull Raf back under the covers with him, and try all of it again.

But Raf pulled back from him, and said, “Maybe we should focus on some other kinds of fun today. We have to get ready for the party anyway. Can I make you breakfast?”

And Justin didn’t argue. Raf hadn’t given up on him yet, but he knew there must be a limit – that, surely, Raf would pull away from him if he couldn’t find a way to move forward from this – and he didn’t know how many chances he would get.


	13. Chapter 13

_“Justin! Come on! Let me see!”_

“Just a second!”

_“You know I’ve spent hours at a time looking at you naked, right?”_

Justin laughed to himself. “One minute!”

He was standing in front of the mirror in Raf’s bedroom, adjusting the silver-gray gauntlet on his right forearm. It still didn’t look quite right. He would need Raf’s help.

He’d told Raf he wanted some privacy so he could get his whole costume looking perfect before Raf saw him, but that was only part of the truth. In reality, being dressed up like this was further outside his comfort zone than letting Raf look at him naked. _Much_ further.

Justin hadn’t put much thought into the meaning of his queer identity beyond his relationship with Raf. Raf was the reason he didn’t mind if other people knew he was gay, because Raf deserved to be with someone who could be public about their feelings. But a part of Justin had known that he could still easily pass for straight, if he wanted to. Melissa’s reaction at the bar had been proof enough of that. And he had found himself asking, _What’s gay about me, besides this relationship?_

The answer had been… nothing that other people could readily see. He didn’t feel any particular desire to change the way he dressed, or cut his hair, though he was open to suggestions, if Raf had any. He knew he could be reserved and soft-spoken, but his tone of voice and manner of speaking were traditionally masculine. He had learned that he was, indeed, attracted to men in general, after scouring the websites Jack had sent him, but no one could figure that out just by looking at him, even though it felt like it, sometimes.

But now, staring at his reflection in Raf’s mirror, he felt that this was the first time he’d actually _looked_ gay, by his own standards. ( _By your own stereotypes,_ he reminded himself.) He was wearing a fitted bodysuit, with a chest piece fashioned to look like chainmail armor, and a silver-gray cape that matched the gauntlets on his forearms. It wasn’t something he would have _ever_ chosen to wear in the past, and he knew he wouldn’t be wearing it now, if Raf hadn’t suggested it. For some reason, wearing this costume felt like a bigger identity shift than anything that had happened between him and Raf, and he wasn’t sure why, and he had no idea how to explain his feelings to Raf, either, though he desperately wanted to.

He decided not to try, for the time being. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Raf’s feelings. They’d had fun shopping and working on their costumes through the afternoon, but Justin had felt Raf’s quiet, lingering concern after their challenging morning, and he was anxious to prove that all was well.

“Okay,” he called. “Come in.”

Raf opened the door and approached him, looking like a combination of Superman and the Silver Surfer. He was gorgeous; the snug costume complimented the lines of his body perfectly, and his hair was styled differently, up and away from his forehead.

“Wow,” Justin said, thinking that it wasn’t a stretch at all, to picture Raf saving the world.

Raf nodded, looking him over, his eyes wide. “Wow, yourself.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You look amazing.”

Justin was still fidgeting with his gauntlets. “Can you help with these? They don’t feel right.”

Raf examined the gauntlet on his left forearm, then loosened it, rotated it, and fastened it again.

“I think it goes like that. Does it feel better?”

“Yeah. It does.”

Raf fixed the other one, too, and then they looked in the mirror together, standing side-by-side. Raf was beaming, but he must have noticed the stiffness in Justin’s expression, because his smile faded a little.

“You don’t like it?”

“I do,” Justin said honestly. “It’s just… different.”

Raf nodded. “Are you nervous about the party?”

“A little bit.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. “That’s okay. Are you sure you still want to go together?”

“Oh… Raf, I’m not nervous because of you, or… us,” he said, and Raf nodded a little, listening. “I just haven’t seen Matthias since…” He paused. He had been putting off telling Raf about his last conversation with Matthias. He wasn’t particularly proud of how that day had gone. “Listen… did Jack ever tell you how I found out about him and Mark?”

“No… I just figured they told you, once you signed on.”

“No. I saw them together in some footage Mark sent me by accident.”

“Oh. Wow. I had no idea.”

“Yeah. And… I didn’t handle it so well, at first. It rubbed me the wrong way, that they were keeping it a secret, and… I said some things I regret, now. Anyway, a couple days after I found out, we all did a shoot with Team Edge… you probably saw the video.”

“Yeah, I did. It was really funny.”

“Yeah, it was actually a really fun day. Jack was just… _so_ nice to me. So much nicer than I deserved, at that point. But I was just… uncomfortable, about the whole thing, and Matthias could tell, and he totally called me out about it. He told me I’d be lucky if anyone ever cared about me, like Mark and Jack care about each other.” He picked up Raf’s hand and squeezed, and Raf squeezed back. “And that conversation really stuck with me. I thought about it nonstop for a long time. And I promised myself I would give Mark and Jack a chance, and then when I found out you and I would be working together… I mean, I just remembered how nice you were, when I met you last year, but I never thought we would really be friends, because…”

“Because I was gay,” Raf said.

Justin winced. “Yeah. And I realized how stupid that was, and I promised myself I would treat you better than that.”

Raf nodded. “You did. You were great. I knew I was in trouble before we even left Mark and Jack’s house, that day.”

Justin nodded. “Me, too.” They looked at each other for a quiet moment before Justin continued. “So… I’m really glad Matthias gave me such a hard time. I don’t know what things would be like now, if we hadn’t had that conversation. But I haven’t seen him since then.”

“But he invited you, tonight. I’m sure he’s not holding anything against you.”

Justin shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just… the reminder. Of what I used to be like.”

“Oh.” Raf put an arm around Justin’s shoulders. “I think I get that. I know you have a lot of guilt. It’ll take time to feel better about everything. But you will. And I’ll help.”

Justin kissed his cheek. “Maybe it’s good that we didn’t get to know each other last year.”

Raf raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I didn’t deserve you, then. Not even close. I mean, I still don’t. But I really, really want to.”

Raf moved to stand in front of him, and put both arms around his shoulders.

“You’re out of your mind. You deserve _everything._ You’re sweet, and loyal, and honest… you’re so _good_ , Justin. I mean… I didn’t even _kiss_ anybody for like… a year. And then you came along, and it was like… fate, or something. That’s how it feels. This thing, we have… it means _everything_ to me. I’ve never met anyone who understands me like you do. I’ve never had anyone in my life who cares so much. So… please don’t talk like it’s one-sided, or something. I know it’s not what you were trying to say, but… you have to know I’m all in. You know that, right? I wouldn’t be with you, if you didn’t deserve it. You do.”

Justin stared at him for the span of a breath, and then he held Raf’s face in his hands, and kissed him. And he wanted to pull Raf’s costume off and drag him into bed, and he also wanted to go to the party with Raf by his side and prove that he was learning to be a better person. And since he couldn’t do both at the same time, he stuck to the plan, and drove the two of them to the party while Raf played with his hair from the passenger seat.

They parked on the street at the end of a long row of cars and walked up the driveway, and then waited until they saw a group of four people approaching.

“You guys look awesome!” Jack said, his accent and enthusiasm cutting through the darkness. Raf hugged him as soon as he was close enough, and Justin did, too. They said hello to Jessie and Tyler – Justin thought they were both stunning in draped togas and golden makeup, and their elaborate costumes made him feel marginally more confident about his own – and then Mark stepped forward and extended his hand.

Justin knew it was because of the lingering awkwardness between them, and he wished it would disappear for good, so he put his arms around Mark’s shoulders, and hugged him.

“Hey, man,” Mark laughed, hugging him back. “Looking good. Who’re you supposed to be?”

“We haven’t thought of names yet,” Justin said. He squeezed Mark’s shoulders, and then let him go. “We just thought about which superpowers we felt like we needed right now.”

Jack nodded. “Armor, right?”

“Yeah.”

Jack was inspecting Raf’s costume, running his fingers over the edge of one of the gauntlets.

“It looks like a mirror,” he said, and Raf nodded.

“That’s the idea. Y’know. To reflect all the bad stuff away.” Raf raised a hand to his forehead, like he wanted to run his fingers through his hair, and then stopped himself, since it was styled up and away from his face. Justin’s heart squeezed. Raf was trying so hard to hold it all together, and Justin knew he was helping, but the pain was still there, hiding underneath his smile.

“It looks great,” Mark said, resting a hand on Raf’s arm. “Are you guys ready to go in?”

They both nodded, and Justin took a breath, and held out his hand, and Raf took it.

They were running late, which Mark and Jack had said was both acceptable and appropriate, and the party was in full swing when they stepped into the kitchen. Matthias and Amanda were at the island wearing furry bear jumpsuits, sipping from solo cups and chatting with Joey. Justin led Raf over to them, squeezing Raf’s hand a little harder than was strictly necessary, reciting his planned introduction in his head. Matthias and Amanda did a massive double-take when they saw Justin and Raf approaching hand-in-hand, but they recovered quickly, and smiled and raised their solo cups in greeting. They each gave Justin a one-armed hug, and then Amanda excused herself to go greet Mark and Jack.

“So glad you came, man!” Matthias said, sounding sincere, but looking shocked.

“Thanks. Uh… this is my boyfriend, Raf.”

“Wow,” Matthias said, shifting his attention to Raf. “I mean, _hi._ It’s great to meet you.”

“You too! Thanks for having us!”

Justin’s heart squeezed. _Us._

“Wow,” Matthias said again, looking between them. “I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t know you were coming… _together._ You guys look great! And, Raf, your videos are looking awesome. And you did really well on the livestream.”

Justin could tell Matthias was off-balance and trying to compensate. He had considered telling him about their relationship ahead of time, but he’d wanted the opportunity to talk through their last conversation in person. He still wasn’t sure whether he’d made the right choice or not.

“Oh… wow, thanks,” Raf was saying. “I was so nervous.”

“It didn’t show. Seems like you all make a good team. I know Jack is psyched to have you.”

“Thank you. Really.”

Amanda returned with Mark, Jack, Jessie, and Tyler in tow, and Justin could tell it wasn’t the right time to start a more serious conversation, so he and Raf followed Matthias to the drink table and watched him pour for Jack and Jessie.

 _“You should drink, tonight, if you want to,”_ Justin said, close to Raf’s ear.

Raf tilted his head to the side. _“Really?”_

_“Yeah. I like to see you have fun.”_

_“Hmm. I might get a little silly.”_

_“I like it when you get silly, too.”_

_“Okay.”_ Raf leaned a little closer to him. _“I’ll have a couple drinks, and then you can tell me what else you like.”_

Justin smiled, blushing a little. _“Deal.”_

They sat down at the kitchen island together to play Exploding Kittens, which Justin had only heard of, but Raf had played several times. Conversations sprang to life around them while Matthias unpacked the cards and started reviewing the rules, and Raf sipped at his drink, and rested his hand against Justin’s thigh, under the table.

“You want a sip? It tastes good,” he said, his cheeks already a little flushed, though Justin wasn’t sure if it was because of the drink.

“Okay. Just one.”

He took a sip from Raf’s cup. It was sweet, somewhere between punch and a pina colada, which seemed appropriate for Halloween in California. He guessed there was probably more alcohol in it than there seemed to be. He took another sip, and Raf raised his eyebrows.

“I’ll get you your own cup, if you want.”

“No, I’m good. I’m a lightweight.”

Raf looked him up and down. “Edwards, you’re six feet of solid muscle. You’re not so light. I should know.”

“Two inches.”

“Huh?”

“Six feet, two inches.”

“Uh huh. I know exactly how big you are.”

Raf clamped a hand over his mouth, then giggled, and Justin joined in. He didn’t think anyone had overheard the comment, and he wasn’t sure he would’ve minded, anyway. People had been interrogating him about his nonexistent sex life since high school, and even though there were plenty of things he wanted to keep private between the two of them, he was proud of the fact that they had gotten physical. He was proud that Raf wanted him, like that.

“See? I told you I’d get silly,” Raf was saying.

“Keep it up. I’ll throw you in Mark’s pool later.”

“Well, good luck with that, since you’ve warned me ahead of time.”

“Doesn’t matter. I can keep you distracted ‘til then.”

Raf laughed, shaking his head. “I’m sure you can.”

Matthias pointed out that there were too many individual players at the table for this particular game, and suggested that people team up if they wanted to.

“Hey, Matt?” Mark had just stood up from the table. His hand was on Jack’s shoulder. “You can deal us in together.”

“Us, too,” Raf said, before he took another sip of his drink.

Justin smiled to himself. He’d never had a partner for card games before. Or board games, or video games. He’d never had someone to run with, or surf with. He’d never worn a matching Halloween costume. He’d never had someone to spend holidays with. Thanksgiving was right around the corner, and then Christmas… He thought about all the ways his life would be different, now that Raf was in it, and he barely paid attention to the first round, until Raf managed to steal a green card from Amanda, which seemed like a particularly lucky move.

“She’ll explode, now, if she picks up the wrong card,” Raf explained, and Justin tried to follow the game more closely, because Raf wasn’t used to having a partner, either, and maybe he was thinking about the ways Justin could fill up empty space in his life, too, and Justin wanted to prove that he was up to the task. He and Raf giggled to themselves as Jack became increasingly more loud, and as the next round started, Justin could tell they were doing much better than some of the other teams, in part thanks to Jack’s habit of announcing his cards to the room every time he saw a new one that made him laugh.

“AWAKEN THE ‘NARNOPE.’ HA! IT’S A NARWHAL. WITH A GIANT…  _THING…”_

“Horn?” Jessie suggested from further down the table, stifling her laughter about as well as Raf was, which was not very well at all.

“And that guy is  _IMPALED- OH MY GOD-”_ Jack went on, giggling through each syllable.

“Sean. Babe. Light of my life,” Justin heard Mark murmur to him. “You know we’re not supposed to tell the other players what cards we have, right?” The teasing sweetness in Mark’s voice reminded Justin of the way Raf talked to him sometimes, and he rested his hand on Raf’s lower back.

 _“I think we can win,”_ Raf whispered conspiratorially, right before their next turn. _“Which one would you pick?”_

Justin took the small handful of cards, examined them, and pointed to one that would let them view the next three cards in the deck. Raf grinned and nodded approvingly. He played the card, then took the first three cards from the top of the deck, and hid them in his cupped hands so that no one but he and Justin could see them.

_“Okay, what should we do?”_

Justin handed him a card that would end their turn early, saving them from picking up the card that would have eliminated them from the game. Raf played it, and put the other three cards back on the top of the deck. Mark and Jack drew the exploding kitten card instead, and then Matthias and Amanda drew one, too, and the round was over, and Raf and Justin were declared the winning team. Raf leaned against Justin’s shoulder in celebration, swallowing the rest of his drink.

“Think you got the gist?”

“Yeah. You explained it really well.”

Raf smiled. “Good, because I think I drank that a little fast. I’m going to be useless any minute now.”

Justin laughed. “After one drink? Looks like you’re a lightweight, too.”

Raf leaned over his shoulder. _“Try to throw me in the pool later and see how light I am.”_

Justin swallowed, and said the first thing that came to his mind. _“We both know I can take you down.”_

_“Only when I want you to.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_

_“Uh huh. If you meet me in the bathroom later, we can test it out.”_

Raf didn’t wait for a response. He got up from his seat and headed toward the drink table, and Justin followed him, feeling a little off balance. Was Raf joking, or did he really want to hook up in Matthias’ bathroom? Justin wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He was comfortable with being seen in public together, but he wasn’t sure he liked the possibility of someone walking in on them doing more than just kissing. And even more troubling was the possibility that something could go wrong between them – that Justin might shut down again – and he wasn’t sure if he could cope with that scenario, surrounded by people in the middle of a party.

He refilled Raf’s drink for him and then poured himself some apple cider, keeping his thoughts to himself, and the two of them stopped to visit with Mark, Jack, Arin, and Suzy on the way back to their seats.

“I  _love_ this game!” Raf told them, and Justin noticed that the flush in his cheeks was starting to spread a little. He really was buzzed, already.

“It’s hilarious!” Jack agreed, and Mark nodded, too.

“What do you think, Justin?”

He smiled. “I like watching Raf play.”

He felt Raf’s free hand rest against his back, and he felt nervousness underneath the affectionate glow he usually experienced when Raf touched him like this. He found himself wondering what Raf would say (or do) if he had much more to drink.

“I lucked out with a good partner,” Raf said, looking at him, the word _partner_ sounding so intimate, all of a sudden. Justin scrambled for something to say, and Raf noticed the extended pause, and his bright expression faded a little. “I just meant-”

“I wouldn’t be partners with anyone else,” Justin said.

Raf beamed. Justin felt more pressure on his back – Raf was pulling him closer – and he was looking at him with so much affection, Justin felt himself holding his breath. And the nervousness was still there, but Raf was waiting – giving him time and space – and Justin told himself, _You’re safe, it’s supposed to be like this, it’s okay to be like this,_ and he put his hand on Raf’s waist, and kissed him. It was brief, and sweet, and when it was over, Justin thought Raf looked ready to drop his drink and drag him to the bathroom right then.

“Ready to play?” Raf asked.

Justin was very aware of the group of people around them. “I… what?”

Raf giggled, gesturing to the table. “The card game?”

Justin exhaled. “Right. Yes. Let’s play.” He let Raf steer him back to his seat and took a sip of his drink, trying to behave normally while Raf looked him over.

 _“Are you okay?”_ Raf finally asked him, too quietly for anyone else to hear.

He sighed, and leaned closer to him. _“I got a little nervous. I’m not sure why.”_

_“It’s okay. I’d be shocked if you weren’t. This is a lot, all at once. You’re doing great.”_

Justin smiled. Telling Raf the truth always paid off. He never made Justin feel stupid for saying how he felt. He always knew what to say.

 _“Do you want to take a break?”_ Raf asked him.

_“No. I want to play. I’m having fun.”_

_“Me, too.”_

Justin focused on the game again, feeling much more confident about the rules and potential strategies. They were eliminated early in the next two rounds, but they won the fourth hand, and Raf let Justin take the lead on the fifth while he finished his second drink.

 _“I was thinking this one,”_ Justin said, pointing to one of the cards.

Raf tilted his head to the side. _“Solid choice.”_

_“But you’d do something different?”_

_“I didn’t say that.”_

Justin elbowed him, and Raf elbowed him right back.

_“You got this, Justin. You don’t need me.”_

Justin smiled. _“Yes, I do.”_

Raf blinked at him, looking thoughtful, and Justin wondered what he would’ve said if it hadn’t been their turn to play. But it was, and everyone at the table was looking at them, so Justin played the card he’d selected, and two turns later, he and Raf had won the game.

“See!” Raf’s grin took up most of his face, and Justin wanted to kiss him, and hug him close, but instead he held his hand in the air, and Raf laughed, and shook his head, and high-fived him.

The group started to disperse around them, and Raf leaned over Justin’s shoulder to talk to him over the noise.

_“I’m going to head to the bathroom. If you want to join me in a few… I would love that. No pressure, though.”_

Raf kissed his cheek as he stood up, and Justin watched him walk away, wanting to follow, but unsure whether he should. He was still thinking it over when Matthias settled into the chair next to him.

“Hey!” Matthias said. “Good game, man.”

“Oh, yeah,” Justin said. “You, too. That was fun.”

Matthias nodded. “So… listen. I think I might owe you an apology. I didn’t mean to come down on you so hard, the last time we hung out.”

Justin shook his head. “I deserved it. I was being an asshole. I wanted to thank you, honestly. I think that conversation might have changed my life.”

“Yeah… I noticed. I try not to make assumptions, but it kinda seems like you might be…”

“Gay. Yeah. I am.”

“Did you know? Before?”

“No.”

Matthias nodded. “That makes a _lot_ of sense.”

“It does?”

“Yeah. I mean, we worked together so much. I thought I knew you really well, you know? And I always thought you were such a good guy. So when you had all those hang-ups about Mark and Jack… it just didn’t fit. I’d never met someone so nice who was, like… prejudiced, like that. I should’ve realized there was more going on. I really wish I could’ve been there for you. I was hoping you might give me another chance to do that. Still friends?”

Justin was stunned. Matthias felt guilty for not being a better friend to him?

“Of course, we’re still friends. I’m the one who screwed up. I feel like I owe the entire human race an apology.”

Matthias looked concerned. “You really don’t. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”

Justin stayed quiet. Raf had said the same thing.

Matthias nodded his head toward the hallway. “Seems like you and Raf have a good thing going.”

“It’s… the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Wow. Good for you, man.” They were both quiet for another moment. “So… maybe we could hang out soon, and you can tell me more about it? When I’m not dressed like a bear?”

“I dunno, man. I might have to require the bear costume from now on.”

Matthias laughed and shook his head, like he was caught off guard by the humorous remark.

“Did you see my ass?”

“Huh?”

Matthias stood up and faced away from him, pointing to the lettering on his butt, which said ‘Papa Bear.’ He turned back to Justin and grinned. “Amanda’s says ‘Mama Bear.’”

Justin smiled. “It’s awesome. You guys look great. And you seem really happy.”

“Thanks. So do you.” He nodded toward the hallway again. “You have someone waiting for you?”

“Uh. Yeah. I think I do.”

“Go ahead. Have fun.”

Justin stood up and deliberated for a moment. Matthias had always been a good friend to him, and Justin wanted him to know how grateful he was that that friendship could continue, but he couldn’t figure out how to say it, so he hugged Matthias, instead. And Matthias laughed, and hugged him back, and said, “I’m really glad you came.” And then he headed toward the living room, and Justin went down the hall, and knocked on the bathroom door.

 _“Just a sec!”_ It was Raf’s voice.

“It’s me,” he said, and the door opened, and Raf pulled him inside, and shut and locked the door behind him.

“Hey!” Raf said, beaming at him. The longest strands of his hair were creeping back toward his forehead, despite the product he’d used to style it back, and Justin reached up to push them away from his face, and ended up smoothing the strands between his fingertips, instead.

“You really do look like Superman.” He made a face. That wasn’t what he’d wanted to say. “I mean, you _are_ Superman. Except… better. And… hotter.”

Raf blinked sweetly at him. “Been checking me out, Edwards?”

“Always.”

Raf put his hands on Justin’s hips.

“Better than Superman, huh?”

Justin slid his arms around Raf’s waist.

“Way better.”

“Will you help me choose a new name?”

Justin nodded. “I will.”

Raf kissed the side of his face. _“How long would it take you to get out of that costume for a few minutes?”_

Justin swallowed against a flurry of emotions: excitement, arousal, anxiety, fear.

 _“Raf-_ ”

Raf kissed him, and walked him backwards until his back was against the door, and Justin kissed him back, because he wanted to, but he felt tension from his shoulders to his fingertips, because he could feel how badly Raf wanted this, and all he wanted was to give in, but he didn’t know how.

 _“I’m having a really good time,”_ Raf said, after he’d kissed his way from Justin’s mouth to his ear.

_“Me, too.”_

_“And you look so fucking sexy.”_

Raf’s arms were around his shoulders now, and Justin felt his fingertips at the base of his neck, where his costume was fastened with a zipper.

 _“Raf-_ ”

They both jumped, because someone knocked loudly at the door, and Justin slid out of Raf’s hold, and took a step away.

“Just a minute,” Raf called loudly. Then he blinked at Justin. “It’s okay. The door’s locked.”

“I know.” Justin was trying to catch his breath. The tangled emotions he was feeling were more confusing than ever.

“I’m sorry.” Raf shook his head, like he was trying to clear it. “I wasn’t thinking. I keep telling myself I’m not going to push, and then I keep doing it, anyway.”

“You’re not-”

“I am. I know I am. And I’m sorry. It’s just… I don’t know what I’m doing…”

Raf’s cheeks were red, and Justin knew he wasn’t drunk, but he was definitely buzzed, and he wasn’t sure this was the right time for the conversation Raf was trying to have.

“I’ve never felt like this, before,” Raf was saying. “Not ever-”

“Raf.” Justin stepped closer, and held Raf’s face in his hands. He felt calm, now that Raf was the one on the verge of a meltdown. “Me too. I feel that way, too. You’re talking like you’re all on your own, or something. You’re not. I came here with you. I’m _with_ you. Okay?”

Raf took a breath, and then nodded. Justin kissed him, lightly, just for a second.

“Can we just go talk, for a while?” he asked. “I just want to hang out with you.”

“Yeah. Of course. Uh… do you want to leave separately?”

Justin shrugged. “Nah. Let’s make a scene.”

Raf giggled, and held out his hand, and Justin took it, and they walked out into the hallway together. Matthias was there, leaning against the wall a few feet away, and he grinned at them.

“Sorry. Someone’s in the upstairs bathroom.” He pointed further down the hall. “My office is open, though.”

“Uh… thanks,” Justin said, feeling the blush in his cheeks.

Matthias nodded. “Carry on.”

He disappeared into the bathroom, and Justin pulled on Raf’s hand, and led him down another hallway to Matthias’ office. He kicked the door partially closed behind them, and then put his hands around Raf’s waist, and kissed him, and lifted him up onto the desk. He lingered for a moment – Raf’s knees were pressing against his hips – and he thought about the ways their bodies could come together in this position, and he wanted it, so badly – wanted to feel Raf’s legs wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer…

But Raf didn’t do that. Raf was smiling at him, waiting patiently. So he kissed Raf’s forehead, and took a step back, and sat down in Matthias’ office chair.

“So,” Raf said, after a long breath. “I was thinking about names. For our characters. What do you think about ‘Chainmail?’ For yours, I mean.”

“Huh. Yeah. I think ‘Chainmail’ is a cool-sounding name for a character.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It sounds strong.”

“What do you think about ‘Palladium?’”

“It’s a reflective metal, right?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s good. It sounds strong, too.”

“You really think so?” Raf sounded so eager, it tugged at Justin’s heart. It was intoxicating, the way Raf lit up whenever he had Justin’s full attention, or his approval.

“Yeah. You should do some sketches tomorrow.”

“Sure. If we ever get out of bed.”

Justin opened his mouth to respond, but he wasn’t sure of Raf’s meaning, and it made him hesitate.

“Justin…” Raf gripped the edges of the desk in frustration. “I didn’t mean… I just meant, we’ll probably be tired. From staying up late.”

Justin sighed, thinking. They kept getting stuck in this place – wanting more from each other, trying to get close, and then taking a step back. He knew Raf wasn’t just talking about kissing and sleeping. He was talking about the other things they both wanted, so much.

“You know I want to, right?” Justin said, trying to hide his frustration, trying to keep his voice soft. “I just… I can’t stand feeling like I’m going to let you down. I know how big of a deal it would be, for you, if we… got closer. It’s huge, for me, too. And I would never forgive myself if I messed it up. I need it to be perfect, for you.”

“ _You_ are perfect for me, Justin. Just the way you are. There’s nothing about you that needs to be _fixed_ or _changed_ for me to-” Raf paused, and swallowed. “…To want to be with you,” he finished.

Justin blinked, and took a shallow breath, and then he leaned forward in his seat, and rested his cheek against Raf’s thigh. And Raf stroked his hair, and held his hand, and after a long time, Justin said,

“I waited for a long time to have someone to be perfect for. I never thought I would be able to do _any_ of this. You’ve given me so much.” He lifted his head and looked up at Raf. He put his hands on Raf’s hips. “So please stop apologizing for trying to get close to me. Let me be uncomfortable. I can take it. I can work through it, as long as you keep coming back to me.”

Raf nodded. “I will.”

Justin stood up and stepped even closer to him, so that his hips were between Raf’s knees. He slid his hand down Raf’s thigh and pulled his leg closer, until Raf’s knee was pressing into his side.

“You promise?”

“I do. I promise. But… maybe we should just keep things simple for a while.” He pulled Justin’s hand away from his thigh, and kissed the back of it. “I think we pushed a lot of boundaries, this week. Maybe we should just enjoy where we are right now.”

Justin nodded. Raf had been through so much, and all Justin wanted was to be a source of comfort and safety, and yet this tension lingered between them, unresolved. “Okay. Whatever you need,” he said.

Raf adjusted the cape that was hanging around Justin’s shoulders. “Have you thought about talking to Jack some more? I bet it would help. He gets it, you know?”

“It’s… not exactly the easiest thing to talk about,” Justin said. _Obviously._ He kept trying to talk to Raf about it, and making a mess of things. Maybe Raf felt that way, too. Maybe it would take some of the pressure off if Justin asked for someone else’s help.

“I know,” Raf was saying. “But look at all the good stuff that happened when you let me get to know you. You know I’m in your corner. But I’m not the only one.”

“Okay. I’ll try to talk to him.”

Raf smiled, and touched Justin’s cheek with his fingertips. “Have I told you how amazing you are, today?”

“At least twice.”

“Not nearly enough, then.”

Raf kissed him, and it was sweet and restrained, and when Justin moved to pull him closer, Raf stopped, and slid off of the desk, and nodded toward the door.

“I’m guessing everyone will want to head back to Jack and Mark’s, soon. You ready to get going?”

_No._

“Yeah.”

They walked back to the kitchen together and found Jessie and Tyler sitting at the island. Tyler had his arm around the back of her stool, and they were both laughing while she spoke close to his ear.

“Hey guys!” she said, when she saw them approaching. “You missed all the singing! Jack and Mark were really good, and we were awful.”

Raf pulled a stool over and sat down next to them, and Justin did the same. He left a little space between them, thinking about what Raf had said about keeping things simple.

“Oh no!” Raf was saying. “I’m sure you guys were great!”

Tyler shook his head. “Nope. We’re _so_ bad.”

“We’ll have to have a do-over back at the house,” Raf said. He looked at Justin. “Can you sing?”

“Uh. Not so well.” He could carry a tune, but he hadn’t sung since he’d been forced to, in high school choir, and he preferred not to reflect on those memories.

“Me, neither,” Raf said. “I like to fake it, though. We can be bad together.”

Mark and Jack emerged from the hallway, and Jack came over to them and perched clumsily on the empty stool next to Jessie.

“What did we miss?”

“Not much,” she said. “I thought you two might be gone for longer than that.”

Mark came over and handed Jack a glass of water, and slid his arm around Jack’s shoulders while he downed it in one gulp.

“No such luck,” Jack said. “Mark says I have to wait until we get home. So I think we should go. Like, soon.”

Jessie giggled, and Justin felt himself start to blush with discomfort. Not because the idea of Mark and Jack having sex made him uncomfortable – actually, he was mildly fascinated with the notion, and trying hard to ignore it – but because Jack had referenced it so casually. He made it sound so _easy._ Justin wished he could borrow Jack’s confidence until he could find his own.

“He’s kidding,” Mark was saying.

“I’m not.”

“He’s drunk,” Mark explained.

“I am!” Jack confirmed.

Jessie nodded. “We’re ready to go, whenever you are.”

“You sure?” Mark asked.

“Definitely.”

“Guys?” Mark asked Justin and Raf.

“We’re ready,” Raf said, and Justin nodded his agreement.

 

* * *

 

Neither of them spoke on the drive to Mark and Jack’s house, but after a few minutes, Raf put his hand around the back of Justin’s head and massaged small circles with his thumb. Justin leaned into his touch – Raf knew how much he enjoyed this, and Justin loved that Raf knew – and he tried to focus on the lovely sensation, and to let some of his discomfort go.

He was finding it difficult, though. He was starting to feel confined by the tightness and the unfamiliar material of his costume, and he wanted to take it off, but he didn’t want to disappoint Raf. He had also been hoping to find some time to talk to Jack once they were back at the house, but Jack was obviously drunk, and enjoying himself. It would have to wait until morning.

“Justin?”

“Uh huh?”

“I had a really good time, tonight. Thanks for coming with me.”

Justin laughed. _Raf_ was thanking _him_?

“Raf…” He wanted them to be closer, so he moved the back of his hand along the outside of Raf’s thigh. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to have someone to go to parties with? I mean, not just parties. And not just _someone_. Someone special. You know?”

Raf trace the back of Justin’s neck with his thumb. “Yeah. I know.”

Justin sighed. He wasn’t getting his point across.

“I meant… I love it.”

“Huh?”

His voice was too quiet. Raf couldn’t hear him. He cleared his throat, and said,

“I love it. I love going places with you. I love having you around my friends. I love how it feels, having you with me.”

He kept his eyes on the road ahead, but he could tell Raf was looking at him.

“I love being with you, too.”

Raf pressed his thumb against the space behind Justin’s ear, and Justin felt himself inhale, and relax, and he smiled, and let himself be touched.


	14. Chapter 14

“Hey… where’s Jack? Is he okay?” Justin asked Mark, while they were both hunting for wine glasses in Mark and Jack’s kitchen cabinets. He and Raf had arrived at the house a few minutes ago, but Mark had answered the door alone.

“Uh… he had to make a phone call, I think,” Mark said, and Justin caught the anxious edge in his voice. He wanted to probe for more information – Jack was well over the line of intoxication, and who would he be calling this late? – but he got the impression Mark didn’t want to talk about it.

“Here,” Justin said, pulling out a pair of wine glasses from the cabinet above the sink.

“Cool. Thanks, man,” Mark took the glasses and placed them on the counter, and then held a pocket knife in the air. “Anyone know how to use the corkscrew on this thing? I don’t think we actually own a bottle opener.”

“I do!” Jessie said. She’d been chatting with Tyler and Raf at the kitchen table, but she stood up and took the knife from Mark, and pulled out the appropriate attachment. She brought the wine bottle over to the kitchen table – it was lower than the counter, and gave her a better angle – and she twisted the screw into the cork, and popped it out of the bottle. Raf and Tyler both cheered, and she took a small bow, and started pouring a glass.

“Raf? You want some?”

“Uh…” He looked at Justin, and Justin nodded. “Sure. Just a little.”

“You guys can head out back, if you want,” Mark said. “Take the bottle. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Jessie held out her hand for Tyler, and he stood up and took it, grinning with unrestrained enthusiasm. He had just enough time to grab the wine bottle before she pulled him into the hallway, and Raf giggled at the pair of them, and looked at Justin.

“Ready?”

Justin nodded, and moved closer to him, and slid an arm around his waist.

“You know you don’t need my permission to have a drink, right?”

Raf kissed his cheek. “I know that. But… we’re a team. We can decide this stuff together. Okay?”

“Okay.”

They walked to the backyard together and found Tyler sitting at the patio table, with Jessie perched on his knee.

“We need music!” she said, her cheeks rosy in the soft glow of the backyard lights. “I can’t believe they don’t have speakers back here!”

“I think Jack has a Bluetooth speaker somewhere,” Raf said. “We can ask him when he comes out.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, tapped at the screen, and handed it her. “Here. See if there’s anything you like.”

She stood up from Tyler’s lap, and they started scrolling together, Raf bent slightly at the waist to get down to her level. Justin sat down at the table with Tyler and watched Raf, smiling at the brightness in his expression, and the way he made Jessie laugh.

“How long have you guys been together?” Tyler asked, mirroring his expression as he watched Jessie burst into a giggle. Justin was surprised by the question. He figured Mark and Jack would’ve told Tyler some of the story, and it was nice that they hadn’t.

“Uh… officially? Just a couple days. Unofficially… a couple weeks.”

“Wow. Really?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well… you seem so… _together._ In a good way. Sorry, is that weird to say?”

Justin shook his head. “No. Uh. You guys, too. Jessie seems great.”

“She’s amazing. But I’m not really sure we’re together.” Tyler smiled. “Not yet, anyway.”

Jessie made I triumphant sound. “I love this song!” She tapped at Raf’s phone, and cranked up the volume, and both of them started dancing along, giggling at each other, their arms raised in the air. Mark came through the sliding doors just in time to watch Raf pull Jessie into a twirl, and Justin found himself grinning – Raf was being silly, but he was also graceful, and gorgeous, and the line of his body flowed as he spun Jessie around and dipped her dramatically. She burst out laughing, and he stood her up, and then placed her hand in Tyler’s.

And then he reached for Justin’s hand, and Justin let himself be pulled out of his seat, and Raf dipped him, too. And Justin was laughing, and dizzy, and he let Raf support his weight, and he put his arms around Raf’s shoulders and kissed him. And he heard footsteps, and Jessie’s laughter, and he and Raf opened their eyes just in time to see Jessie throw herself backwards into the pool. They stood up and cheered, and then Raf started toward the pool, unfastening the zipper at the back of his neck, and Justin followed without thinking, pulling off his cape and unzipping his costume, too. Tyler had already stripped down to his boxers and jumped in the pool after Jessie, and Raf was waiting for him at the edge, his hand outstretched. Justin stepped out of his clothes, and took Raf’s hand, and they jumped into the water together.

They came up with their arms around each other, and Raf was shivering a little, and blinking the water from his eyelashes. His face was so close, Justin forgot where they were, and he kissed Raf’s mouth, like he did when they were alone in his bedroom. And Raf’s tongue tasted like wine, and Raf’s hands were strong on his lower back, and then Raf pulled away from him, and grinned, and dunked him under the water. And Justin came up splashing, and spit a mouthful of water at him, and then tackled him under the surface, and Raf wrapped his legs around his hips, and held his face in his hands, and kissed him under the water. And Justin wished they could always be like this – perfectly alone, tangled up together – and he kept his eyes squeezed shut and his lips pressed against Raf’s until his lungs started to burn. And then they broke through the surface together, and gasped for air, and laughed, still holding each other close.

“Guys! Want to race?” Jessie’s voice rang out high and clear, bouncing off of the water and the walls of the pool, and they swam toward her and Tyler, and lined up in the shallow end. Jessie counted them off, and they started to swim, cutting through the water side-by-side. Jessie won the first lap by a head, and they all paused in the shallow end to catch their breath, and Mark was there, too, but Jack was still nowhere to be seen.

Again, Justin considered pressing Mark for information, but no one else seemed concerned, and the mood of the group was light and playful, so he decided to keep his worries to himself. But when they’d finished their second lap, Mark wasn’t in the pool anymore, and Justin heard voices – Jack and Mark, talking to each other across the yard, by the house – and he moved to the edge of the pool to see what was going on.

At first, it looked like they were making out, but then Justin saw Mark take a step _away_ from Jack. He could hear their voices, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying, until Jack’s voice became much louder, all of a sudden-

_“Yeah? And whose fault is that?”_

“Oh no…” Raf said. He was by Justin’s side, now, and he took hold of Justin’s hand under the water. “Are they fighting?”

“I’m not sure,” Justin said. He gave Raf’s hand a squeeze. “I think Jack is really drunk…”

_“No. Stop. STOP, SEAN.”_

That was Mark, sounding angry, now. Justin winced, and Raf took hold of his arm and pressed against him. Justin had been about the get out of the pool to find out what was going on, but Raf was holding onto him so tight, and Justin looked at him, and he looked _scared._

“Hey, Raf, it’s okay…”

The water rippled around them, and they turned and saw Jessie climbing out of the pool, and then heading in Mark and Jack’s direction. Jack didn’t wait for her, though – he turned his back on Mark and walked into the house – and then Jessie and Mark spoke to each other quietly, and hugged each other, and then Jessie followed Jack through the sliding doors.

“Can we get out, now?” Raf asked. He was shivering again, and Justin wasn’t sure if the cold water was the only reason for it.

“Yeah, here…” Justin pushed up on the edge of the pool and climbed out, and then he leaned down and helped Raf climb out, too. Tyler was already heading in Mark’s direction, and they followed.

“Mark?” Tyler was leaning close to him, his hand on Mark’s shoulder. “What happened?”

“Uh.” Mark sniffed, and Justin could see that he was rattled, maybe even close to tears. “He… he had too much to drink.” He paused, and then put his hand on Tyler’s arm. “I’m going to go make some coffee. Um. Anyone else need anything?”

“We’re fine, Mark,” Raf said, though Justin was concerned about the quaver in his voice. “What can we do?”

Mark shook his head. “Just get comfortable. Watch TV, or whatever you want. Uh, Ty, can you show them where everything is, upstairs?”

“Sure. No problem.”

“Thanks.”

Mark gave Tyler’s arm a squeeze, and then headed into the house.

“They’re… they’re going to be okay, right?” Raf’s voice sounded small, and he was hugging his arms close to his body. Justin put his arms around him from behind and held him close.

“Of _course_ they will,” he said. “Don’t you think, Tyler?”

“Absolutely. They’re solid. They’ll sort it out.” Raf nodded, and Tyler gestured toward the house. “Here… let’s head upstairs for now. I’ll show you guys where the guest rooms are.”

They went inside, still dripping wet, and grabbed their backpacks from the living room. They followed Tyler up the stairs, and he pointed to the door across the hall and to the left.

“That’s their room. They have their own bathroom in there, so you can use the one in the hallway.” He turned to the right and started down the hall. “We’ll be in here…” He touched the door on his right. “…And you guys are there, on the other side of the bathroom.” He pointed to two doors on the left side of the hall. “There’s a closet in there with towels and stuff.”

“Thanks, man,” Justin said, and then he turned to Raf. “What do you want to do? Think you’re ready to go to bed?”

“Yeah, but… I want to make sure Jack’s okay, first.”

Tyler nodded. “How about this. I’ll have Jessie come find you guys and fill you in. I’m sure she’ll be back soon.”

Raf nodded. “Thanks.”

Justin put his arm around Raf’s shoulders and steered him into their bedroom. He told Raf to stay put, then went to retrieve two towels from the bathroom, and headed back to Raf’s side, closing the bedroom door behind him. He draped one of the towels around Raf’s shoulders, and Raf tightened it around himself like a blanket.

“Want me to dry your hair?” Justin asked him, and he nodded, so Justin put the second towel around the back of his head, and rubbed it through his hair, and then dabbed gently at his forehead, where the longer strands were damp and falling into his eyes.

“You’re all wet, too,” Raf said quietly. “Aren’t you cold?”

“A little. I’ll be okay.”

Raf took the towel from his shoulders and slid it around Justin, instead, and then hugged him.

“I think I drank too much,” Raf said. “I was having fun, but then I got so worried.”

Justin nodded against his hair, his eyes closed. “It’s okay. I’ll take care of you.”

“I know.”

They stood like that for a while, warmth spreading wherever their bare skin was pressed together, until there was a knock at the door. Justin kissed Raf’s cheek, then opened it, and let Jessie step inside. She had a towel around her shoulders, too, and there were still drops of water dripping from the ends of her curls.

“Hey, guys,” she said. “Jack and Mark are together now. Jack just got some sad news, but I think he’ll be okay.”

“So they’re alright?” Raf asked. “They’re not, like… splitting up, or anything?” Justin could see that he was close to tears.

Jessie shook her head. “No way. Definitely not.”

“Okay.” Raf nodded, mostly to himself. “That’s good.”

Jessie stepped close to him, stood up on her tiptoes, and kissed his cheek. “Don’t worry. Just get some sleep. I’m sure it’ll be much better in the morning.” She turned to Justin, and kissed his cheek, too. “Do you guys need anything before I head to bed?”

They told her no, and thanked her, and hugged her before she stepped back into the hallway, closing the door behind her. Then Justin turned to Raf and put his hands around his waist.

“Feel a little better?”

Raf nodded.

“Want me to find you some clothes?”

“No. I just want to get in bed.”

“Okay. Your shorts are all wet, though.”

Raf pushed down on his boxers, and let them fall to the floor, and Justin smiled, and did the same. And then he flipped off the overhead light, and reached for Raf’s hand in the darkness, and they got into the bed together, facing each other, holding hands in the small space between them.

“Is it hard for you to sleep away from home?” Raf asked, sounding much more calm, now.

“It used to be. I remember traveling for lacrosse games when I was younger and staying over in hotels… I’d be up most of the night with my headphones on. But it’s not like that, now. And… you’re here. I can sleep, when you’re with me. I think I sleep better at your place than I do at mine, now.”

“Really? Why?”

Justin thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to describe the way it felt to spend the night at Raf’s apartment.

“Well… my apartment is just… a place to live. You know, shower, eat, sleep, repeat. It’s not special. But when I’m at your place, it’s because you want me there. And you remind me of that all the time. It’s so different, to be wanted, instead of to just… exist.”

Raf nodded. “I do want you. So much.”

Justin swallowed. “I want you, too.”

“I know. I can tell. You don’t just say it. You act like it, all the time. I’ve never met anyone who follows through, like you do. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so honest.” Raf’s eyes were closed, now. “That’s why you’re the first person… that’s why you can stay with me.”

 _The first person?_ Justin didn’t know what he meant by that. He almost asked, but then he stopped himself. It had sounded like Raf had said it by mistake. Maybe he wasn’t ready to tell Justin, yet. And that was okay. He could wait. So he kissed Raf’s forehead, and closed his eyes, and slept better in a room he’d never seen before than he ever had in his own bed, alone.

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up when he heard his phone beeping at 8:00 AM. Neither of them had moved – Raf was there, inches away, still sleeping – so Justin slipped out of the bed and fished his phone out of his backpack to silence it. He dug out his prescription bottle next and swallowed a pill, and then he ate a protein bar as quietly as he could, and tried to decide what to do next.

He briefly considered letting Raf sleep in, but then he looked at him, and he saw the way the white sheet was draped around his waist and his hip, and he knew that the whole of Raf’s body was bare underneath it, and he slid into the bed behind him, instead, and wrapped one arm around his chest, and pressed his face against his soft, dark hair.

_“Hey, baby.”_

_“Hey. Go back to sleep.”_

Raf stirred, and reached backward, and put his hand on Justin’s thigh.

_“No. Wake me up.”_

Justin’s chest was pressed against Raf’s back, but he’d left some space between their hips. He’d been hesitant to initiate anything too heated between them, partly because they were in an unfamiliar place, and partly because he lacked confidence in that arena in general.

But it seemed like Raf was ready to be confident enough for the both of them. Justin felt his fingertips moving over the back of his thigh, and then he was pressing, and _pulling_ , and Justin sighed, and closed his eyes, and moved his body closer until his hips and his cock were pressed against Raf’s ass.

 _“Oh, that’s better,”_ Raf breathed, and Justin kissed his neck, and moved his hand down to his stomach, and then to his hip, tracing his soft, smooth skin. He was hard already, and he wondered whether Raf could feel it- and then Raf pressed backward against him, and he throbbed, and stifled a groan, but it was no use, because his mouth was pressed behind Raf’s ear.

_“Raf-”_

Raf turned over to face him, and he put his hand around the back of Justin’s head, and wrapped his leg around Justin’s hip, and kissed him. And Justin slid his hand down to Raf’s ass, and shifted his hips, and pulled Raf against him, and their cocks pressed together between them, and Raf opened his mouth and turned on his voice…

And Justin wanted to feel his body from the inside. He wanted to be closer – as close as they could get. He wanted to feel Raf’s hands and tongue all over him, and he wanted Raf to hold him until his body ached, and he wanted to feel Raf moving inside of him-

_No- not yet- you’re not ready- you’ll ruin it- you can’t, you can’t, you can’t-_

And Raf was grinding against him, and he wanted to give in, but he couldn’t – he was desperate, and he was afraid – so he rolled Raf onto his back, and kissed his way down his body. And then he pulled Raf’s cock into his mouth, and kissed, and sucked, and stroked, until Raf was grabbing at his hair, and moaning his name, and coming against the back of his throat. And he held Raf in his mouth until he felt his breathing starting to slow, and then he put his lips on Raf’s belly instead, and Raf moved to sit up, but Justin shook his head.

“Stay there for a sec.”

He pressed slow kisses around Raf’s belly button, taking deep breaths, resisting the urge to take hold of his own painfully hard erection.

“Mm. Feels good.” Raf put a hand in his hair. “It can wait, though. It’s your turn.”

Justin shook his head again. “I’m okay. I just want to do this.” He pressed his lips under Raf’s ribs.

“Huh?” Raf propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at him, confused.

“I meant… well, we’re keeping things simple, right?” Justin said. “I’m okay. This is what I want to do right now.”

“You don’t want me to-” Raf paused, and sat upright, and examined Justin’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I swear. Everything’s perfect. I just want it to stay that way.”

Raf tilted his head to the side, and then rested his fingers against Justin’s cheek. “You know you can tell me anything, right? You know I’m always here for you?”

Justin nodded, and covered Raf’s hand with his own. “I know.”

“I think I’m starting to understand how you feel about things being fair, between us. This just feels… unfinished.”

Justin shook his head. “It’s not. I love doing that, with you.”

Raf leaned forward and hugged him. “I do, too.” He kissed his cheek, and then let him go. “I’m not going to push. See?” He held up his hands. “Not pushing. But… if you can’t talk to me right now, will you talk to someone else? Mark, or-” His eyes went wide. “Oh, God, Jack… is he okay? I was so distracted…”

“I haven’t seen anyone, yet,” Justin said. “I was thinking of heading down there to see if they’re up.”

Raf nodded. “Okay. I think I’ll wait here. In case you get a chance to… talk. You can come back for me. Whenever you’re ready.”

 

* * *

 

Justin headed into the hallway and found Jessie and Tyler’s door closed, but he heard voices, so he walked down the hall and found Mark and Jack’s door open. He peeked around the doorframe and saw Jack, Mark, and Jessie sitting on the bed together. Jack looked pale and tired, but he was smiling, and he and Mark were sitting close together.

Justin tapped on the door frame, and the three of them looked over and smiled at him.

“Hey,” he said. He wanted to find out what was going on with Jack, but he thought it would be intrusive to ask directly, so he said, “Raf said I should come talk to one of you. Or all of you. Or… I mean…” He hesitated. This was intrusive, too. Why did he have to make everything so awkward? “Later is fine, too,” he finished, hearing the strangeness in his own voice.

“Come in, man,” Jack said, reassuringly.

He approached the bed, and Mark stood up to greet him.

“You can have my seat,” he offered, before turning to Jack. “Unless you want me to stay, Sean?”

Jack shook his head. “I’m good. Go see Tyler.”

Mark kissed his cheek, then headed out of the room, and Justin hesitated for a moment, and then climbed onto the bed, turning the line between Jessie and Jack into a triangle.

“Would you like some privacy?” Jessie asked him.

“No, you can stay. Raf thinks I need to practice letting my friends get to know me better.”

“Well, no offense to Raf,” she said, “but what do  _you_ think?”

“I think he’s right,” Justin said.

She nodded. “Okay. What’s up?”

Justin ran a hand through his hair, then looked at Jack, feeling helpless. He had no idea how to start conversations like this, with friends.

“Remember when we were texting? When you guys were still in Cincinnati?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” He paused, trying to figure out what to say, smoothing the hem of his shorts between two fingers.

“…You want to talk about some of that stuff?” Jack asked. “Like relationship stuff? Or sex?”

Justin nodded.

“And it was easier to talk about through text.”

“Yes.” Justin felt himself starting to blush.

“Right. Well, why don’t I ask some questions, and you can answer however yeh’re comfortable.”

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

Justin tried his best to answer Jack’s questions, and to describe the high points of everything that had happened between him and Raf so far. He didn’t share every single detail – some of it was too private, or too special – but Jack and Jessie seemed to get the gist. And then he tried to explain how and why he had been struggling with the next level of intimacy, and how his desire to move forward with Raf was at odds with how his body responded when Raf touched him in a certain way.

“I can’t ask him,” he tried to explain. “I don’t know how. It just doesn’t seem right.”

“What do you mean?” Jessie asked.

“I mean… I can’t ask to have sex with him, if I can’t let him have sex with  _me_.”

Jack looked confused. “Are you saying, yeh don’t think you guys should have sex unless yeh’re both willing to bottom?”

“…Yeah. I have no idea when I’ll be able to do that, if ever. It just doesn’t seem right to ask him to do something for me if I can’t do it for him, too.”

Jack was quiet for a long time before he answered.

“Okay. I have a lot of things to say about that. First of all, I can relate. Mark and I have had similar fears and feelings along the way. But I learned over time that sex isn’t a trade. It’s not something you do  _to_ each other. It’s something yeh do together. And if yeh do it right, both positions feel good.”

 

Justin took this in. He knew it, in theory, but his insecurities were at odds with his common sense.

 

“I guess I’m wondering if the way yeh grew up is affecting yer view of this, a bit,” Jack went on. “Like, maybe yeh’re worried that bottoming is a bit… I don’t know…  _demeaning_ , somehow? Something to be ashamed of? Or something to fear? Something that hurts?”

Justin closed his eyes for a moment. “Maybe.”

“And you think yeh’d be demeaning Raf, or insulting him somehow, if you asked him to do it? Especially if yeh’re not ready to try it yerself?”

Justin gave a small nod.

“Okay. Well, I mean, every relationship is different. Neither of you need to do anything yeh’re not comfortable with. But… you should know that there’s nothing demeaning about having sex with someone you care about. I doubt Raf would see it that way, and you should give him the chance to decide fer himself. That’s another huge thing I’ve learned, being in a serious relationship. You shouldn’t try to make choices fer each other. If Raf says he wants something, believe him. And if yeh both want something, don’t look fer reasons to talk yerself out of it.”

Justin took a moment to process this. “How long did it take you to get comfortable with, like… being touched… like that?”

“Uh… things happened pretty quick fer Mark and me. I don’t think you should compare. Neither of us had experiences like you when we were younger. If yeh want my advice, though… I mean, it feels  _really_ good. Maybe just try to focus more on that? Or tell Raf to talk to you, or play some music yeh like, or something. Stay in the moment. And try not to get discouraged. It might take some time. Trust Raf to be patient.”

Justin nodded. “Good advice. I want to try again.”

Jack tilted his head toward the door. “Guest room’s all yers, if yeh want to go back to bed.”

Justin smiled. “Really? You guys don’t mind?”

“Nope. We’re just glad the extra bedrooms are getting some use. I’ll leave condoms and lube in the bathroom down the hall.”

Justin laughed, blushing. “Okay. Maybe after breakfast. I know Raf’s hungry. He’s a bottomless pit in the morning.”

Jack smiled. “I’m happy fer you.”

Justin nodded. “I’m happy, too.”

“Want to head downstairs, then? I’m guessing Mark and Tyler will probably have some food ready.”

“Yeah. I’ll go get Raf. Uh… he really wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, we both did.”

Jack nodded. “I’m really sorry about last night. Raf’s awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll come with you. Meet you downstairs, Jessie?”

“Sure.” She put her hand on Justin’s arm. “You’re doing great. He’s obviously head over heels. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

Justin smiled. “Thanks. And… thanks for listening.”

“Absolutely. Anytime.”

They stood up from the bed and went out to the hallway. Jessie headed down the stairs, and Jack followed Justin down the hall to the third bedroom.

“Uh… let me just make sure he’s dressed,” Justin said.

“Sure.”

Justin let himself into the room and found Raf on the floor, stretching, one of his knees held against his chest. He stood up in a fluid motion.

“Hey, want to see Jack?”

Raf nodded, and Justin let Jack into the room.

“Hey, man,” he said. He walked over to Raf, and gestured to the bed. “Can we sit?”

“Yeah.”

Raf climbed onto the bed and tucked his legs under himself, and Jack sat down on the edge, close by. Justin moved a little closer, but he didn’t sit down with them. Jack was obviously trying to put Raf at ease, and Justin guessed he had something upsetting to say.

“I’m so sorry about last night,” Jack said. “I wasn’t myself.”

Raf shook his head. “Please don’t apologize. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Jack hesitated, and then said, “My mum left my dad.”

“What? Why?” Raf asked, and the expression on his face hurt Justin’s heart.

“Because of the stream. I guess he was handling things okay until I went public, and then he… wasn’t,” Jack said. “But-”

He didn’t finish the thought, because Raf threw his arms around his shoulders and hugged him, and Jack hugged him back, and said, “I don’t want yeh to worry. It’s okay.”

Raf shook his head, and said, “It’s not. I _know_ it’s not.”

And Justin watched them, and he couldn’t tell if the sadness he felt was his own, or if theirs was so powerful that it had overtaken him, too. But he was feeling something else, underneath it. Affection? He looked at the way Raf held his arms around Jack’s shoulders, and he remembered the way Raf had taken hold of his arm in the pool, when he’d seen Jack in distress, and he realized that Raf _loved_ Jack. And it was beautiful to see, and Justin adored him for it. He’d never known someone so full of _goodness._ He couldn’t believe that Raf was _his_. It was still hitting him in waves.

He found that he wanted to hold both of them in his arms… so he did. He went over to the bed, and put his arms around them, and hugged them. And they all sat like that for a long moment, breathing together, sharing their sadness, until Raf finally sat back, and wiped at his eyes, and cleared his throat.

“What can I do?”

Jack smiled at him. “You can stop worrying and have fun today. Really. That’s all I want, right now.”

Raf nodded. “I can do that.”

“Okay. Come down fer breakfast, whenever yeh’re ready.” Jack smiled at them, and then stood up from the bed, and disappeared into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

“God, poor Jack,” Raf said. Justin slid closer to him, and put an arm around his back.

“You’re a good friend,” he said. “He’s lucky to have you. And so am I.”

Raf looked at him. “You were gone for a while.”

“Yeah. We talked. For real. I think you would’ve been proud of me.”

“I was already proud of you.”

Justin smiled, and pushed a lock of hair back from Raf’s forehead. “Extra proud, then.”

Raf’s stomach growled loudly, and Justin laughed.

“Okay. Time for breakfast. And then… I’d love it if you would come back up here, with me.”

Raf’s smile drove the rest of the darkness from the room. “Really?”

“Really.”

 

* * *

 

 

Breakfast was a wholly new experience for Justin. Growing up, his family had eaten silent meals together, his father sitting stiffly at the head of the table, encouraging him to reflect on his relationship with God. Back then, that relationship had been based on judgment. It had grown from a place of self-loathing – Justin’s acknowledgement of his OCD, and his awkward demeanor, and his mediocre grades – and it had festered until he forgot what it felt like to know that he was loved by his parents, or the one they worshipped.

But now, sitting at this kitchen table with Raf by his side, he thought that if anything like God was alive in the universe – an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-forgiving benevolent force – then it existed here, in moments like this: in bursts of laughter, and shared food, and spilled juice, and stolen kisses. And it made him wonder how his parents thought they could understand God without joy, and it made some tiny piece of him feel sad for them, because he was living inside joy, now, and he was leaving them behind.

So when the dishes were done, and the orange juice was gone, he took hold of Raf’s hand, and led him back upstairs, and pulled him into the shower in the spare bathroom, and kissed him under the warm water until every nerve in his body was on fire. And then they snuck back to the empty bedroom, towels held loosely around their waists, and Justin went to the window to close the blinds-

“Oh-”

He paused, staring down at the backyard, his fingertips on the plastic rod, and Raf slid his arms around him from behind, and kissed his cheek, and followed his gaze-

“Oh.”

Their window was overlooking the pool, and Mark and Jack were in the water, pressed together against the far wall, kissing each other, and-

“Oh, wow, are they…?”

Raf’s mouth was close to Justin’s ear, and the tone of his voice made Justin shiver.

“I think so.”

He knew he should look away, but he was frozen, staring at the way Mark had his legs locked around Jack’s hips-

“God, they’re-”

“Beautiful,” Justin finished.

“Yeah.”

“We shouldn’t watch,” Justin said.

“No. We shouldn’t.”

But he _was_ watching. He couldn’t stop himself. He’d never seen two people having sex in real life, and certainly not two queer men. Certainly not two queer men who loved each other, the way he desperately wanted to be loved by Raf.

And then he watched Jack put his mouth on Mark’s neck, and he saw Mark’s face for a moment, and he watched five different emotions play across his expression in the space of a breath. And he thought about how Mark was on the receiving end of what was happening between them, and how it looked so beautiful, and so perfect, and so pure.

And then he felt Raf’s lips on his shoulder, and he let his towel fall to the floor, and he turned around and kissed Raf’s mouth, and walked him backward toward the bed. And they laid down together, and went on kissing each other in a tangle of limbs until they were practically gasping for air, and then they smiled, and pressed their foreheads together, and held each other close.

And Raf was waiting patiently, his eyes closed, his arms strong around Justin’s back, and Justin knew whatever happened next would be up to him. He was in control – Raf had given him that gift – and he was ready to act like it.

 _“Hey,”_ he breathed. _“I have to ask you for a favor.”_

 _“Anything,”_ Raf said, and Justin knew he meant it.

_“I’m going to try my fingers. Uh… on myself. Can you show me what to do?”_

Raf bit his lower lip, and nodded. _“I would love that. Turn over, okay?”_

Justin kissed him one more time, and then rolled over, and pressed his back against Raf’s chest. And then he felt Raf’s hand on his upper thigh, and Raf pushed his top leg forward, and moved his hand slowly from his knee to his hip and back again, pressing soft kisses against his neck and his cheek. Justin groped for the bottle of lube – Jack had left it for him, in the bathroom – and he handed it to Raf.

 _“Keep your hand like that,”_ Raf said, and then Justin felt cool, smooth liquid on his fingers, and he felt Raf positioning his hand, and then he was touching himself slowly while Raf kissed the back of his neck.

_“What can I do for you, baby?”_

_“Talk to me. Please.”_

_“Okay.”_ Raf pressed a kiss into his hair, and said, _“I always think about the first day we hung out. Do you remember the restaurant? How the sun was going down, and there was all this glare from the windows?”_

Justin nodded, rubbing small circles against his opening with the pad of one finger.

_“I’d never seen eyes like yours before. They were so beautiful. So blue, like the ocean, but not just the water. Like the waves in the sun over the sand.”_

Justin felt himself inhale, and he was back there, in the restaurant, taking in every detail of Raf’s face for the first time. And when he pressed one finger inside himself, the pain was so far away, he barely noticed it.

_“I think I would’ve kissed you on your couch, if I hadn’t been so dizzy.”_

_“I would’ve let you.”_

_“I know.”_

Raf kissed his cheek, and he slid his finger further in, because the pleasure was starting to drown out the pain-

 _“It was all over, when you let me in your closet. The way you just invited me into your life, like that… it took everything I had not to kiss you, right then. I was out of my mind all night, waiting to be alone with you again. I just knew we could have something so special-_ ”

_“Raf?”_

_“Yeah?”_

Justin rolled toward him, onto his back, and he pulled one knee up toward his chest, like he’d seen Raf do several times before, and then he pulled Raf’s hand down between his legs.

_“Try again? Please?”_

And Raf nodded, and kissed his mouth, and rubbed at him slowly with three fingers, and then pressed one of them inside-

 _“Oh- ah-_ ”

_“You okay?”_

_“Yes-_ ”

And then Raf slid further inside, and hooked his finger, and _pressed_ -

 _“Ah-_ ”

And Justin’s whole body pulsed, and Raf did it again-

 _“Ah- hah-_ ”

Justin hadn’t known that there were still sensations he’d never experienced before, but there were – this was new, this was like nothing he’d ever imagined – and he inhaled, and said, _“More,”_ and Raf moaned, and pressed against him, and started working his finger in a steady rhythm-

 _“God, Justin, you’re so beautiful-_ ”

And Justin took hold of his own cock, and shuddered at the overwhelming sensitivity. He imagined that Raf was on top of him, moving inside of him, and he started stroking himself-

 _“Raf- more-_ ”

And Raf slid his finger out, and then pressed two back inside, and Justin felt himself tense, and then relax, and he exhaled while Raf found the right spot-

 _“Oh-_ ”

And Justin wanted it to last, but Raf was in control now, and he was giving in – giving himself over – and he felt himself arching off of the bed as Raf worked at him, and worked at him, teaching him how to _feel_ , and how to _want-_

 _“Oh- Oh, God-_ ”

And he felt Raf’s mouth on his neck, and he closed his eyes, and his hand was slick with the precum that was leaking from his slit, and he pumped at the base of his cock, and he felt himself coiling tight, like a spring-

 _“That’s it, baby, you’re safe with me-_ ”

And when he came, he shot high, onto his stomach and chest – there was power behind it, like he’d never felt before – and Raf made a noise that made him shudder from his shoulders to his hips, and then he moved down Justin’s body and pulled his cock _all the way_ to the back of his throat, bringing the radiating pathways of pleasure back to a concentrated point that left Justin adrift, his hands tangled in the sheets. And then Raf worked his way back up Justin’s body, licking the cum from his stomach and chest while he went on shaking, and then he put one hand on Justin’s cheek, and waited.

Justin didn’t bother trying to catch his breath. As soon as he could move, he sat up, and put his arms around Raf’s back, and hugged him so tight that he felt Raf exhale against his neck, because there were no words for how he felt. And the emotions were so massive that Justin thought he might come apart at the seams, but Raf was the one who started to cry, quietly, against his bare shoulder.

_“Raf?”_

Justin kissed his cheek, and tried to make a space between them, but Raf held on tight.

 _“Don’t move,”_ Raf said. _“Don’t let go yet.”_

Justin cradled the back of his head with one hand. _“I won’t. I’m here.”_

Raf sniffled. _“I’m sorry. I’m not sad. I’m so happy.”_ He held Justin even tighter. _“I’ve never been this close to anyone, in my life. That was… so special, to me.”_

Justin nodded, and squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed their cheeks together. _“Me, too. Thank you. For not giving up. For taking a chance on me.”_

_“Thank you for choosing me.”_

Justin loosened his hold, and sat back a little, and this time, Raf let him.

“I didn’t. It wasn’t a choice. It’s like…” Justin searched for a comparison, and said the first thing that came to his mind. “It’s like gravity. You don’t have to decide that it’s real. It just _is_. It holds everything together, even if you don’t have a name for it, even if you don’t fully understand it. It’s just this universal truth. Like you and me. You just… belong with me.”

Raf stared back at him, and one more tear spilled down his cheek, and Justin kissed it away.

“You really believe that?” Raf swallowed. His voice was quiet. “You think we belong together?”

“Of course I do. Don’t you?”

Raf nodded, and kissed him, and said, “Yes. I do.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the end of this chapter for some art of Raf and Justin by yours truly!

Justin woke up later that afternoon, and he was stiff and uncomfortable, but he didn’t move, because he’d been sleeping in Raf’s lap, on Raf’s couch. He blinked a few times, and then realized what had woken him up – Raf’s phone was buzzing on the coffee table, a few inches from his face. He guessed that Raf was still asleep, so he sat up carefully, trying not to wake him.

It was no use, though. Raf lifted his head from the couch cushion, and smiled at him, and hugged him.

“I knew we should’ve just gotten in bed,” he said. They’d fallen asleep watching YouTube, feeling sleepy after a late night and eventful morning.

“I think I could sleep anywhere, with you,” Justin said. “Your phone was buzzing, though.”

“Oh. Oops.” Raf let him go, and picked up the phone, and tapped at the screen. “Shit. It’s my brother. I told him I would call, and I totally forgot.” He scrolled for another second. “Oh… he wants to come stay over, tonight.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Yeah. Uh… do you want to meet him?”

“Oh… yeah! I mean, if you want me to…”

“I definitely do. It’s just… he can be a little… intense. I mean… he’s protective, of me. He might try to give you a hard time.”

Justin nodded. “That’s okay. I can take it.” He sounded much more confident than he felt. He needed Francisco to like him. Raf didn’t need anymore drama with his family, especially with the one person who was still in his corner. “Any tips?”

“Uh… I’d say ‘be honest,’ but you always are, so… just be yourself. And try not to worry too much. He might be standoffish at first, but he’ll come around.”

“Okay. I can handle that.”

Raf smiled. “I know you can. I’m just going to call him back real quick.”

He tapped at the screen again, and held the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Francisco- sí, yo sé- sí, lo siento- no, I’m fine. Really. Sí, está aquí. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no tenemos planes- Yeah. We can just order something. Okay. Later.”

 

He ended the call. “He knows you’re here. He’ll be here in a couple hours.”

Justin was staring. He could tell he was grinning like an idiot, but he couldn’t help it. “That was… adorable.”

Raf giggled. “The Spanglish?”

“Yeah. I love it.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. “I love that you love it.”

The words hung between them for a moment, and Justin thought about saying more, but then Raf kissed his lips, and said, “So… what do you want to do for the next couple hours?”

Justin nodded toward the hallway. “Is getting in bed still an option?”

“Getting in bed is _always_ an option.”

 

* * *

 

They were dressed and looking presentable by the time Raf’s doorbell rang, and Francisco came through the door a couple minutes later, and immediately pulled Raf into a hug. Justin noted that they had similar facial features, but Francisco was a couple inches shorter, and much more broad in the shoulders. He looked like he could hold his own in a fistfight, and based on what Raf had told him about how and where they’d grown up, Justin guessed he was no stranger to physical altercations.

He let go of Raf and turned to Justin, and extended his hand, and Justin shook it.

“Hey, man. Justin, right?”

“Yeah, it’s really nice to meet you, uh…”

“Frankie. Yeah. It’s cool to meet you, too. Raf won’t shut up about you, so… I had to come see what all the fuss is about.”

“Dude, Frankie, be cool,” Raf said, blushing a little.

Frankie smirked, and dug his thumb into one of Raf’s cheeks in a classic older-brother gesture. “Look at you. You’re a mess.” Raf swatted his hand away, and Frankie turned to Justin. “Do you blush like this over him?”

“Uh… yeah,” Justin said honestly. “All the time.”

They decided to order sandwiches for dinner, and then they sat at the kitchen table together, and Justin did his best to engage Frankie in conversation. Frankie did art design for an indie game developer in San Diego, and Justin had heard of the company. He remembered Raf mentioning that Frankie had been the first person in their family to go to college, and that he was the reason Raf had originally had access to technology. Frankie loved comic books – that was how he’d originally learned to draw – and Justin knew Raf liked to sketch sometimes, too, though he’d never pursued it as passionately as Frankie had.

Justin looked Frankie over while they talked. He had two scars on his face – one that cut a small sliver into his right eyebrow, and one close to the left corner of his lip – and Justin wondered how he’d come by them. He was obviously tough. Justin wondered whether he’d shared his interest in art with any of his friends growing up, or whether Raf had been his only confidant – the protector of his secrets – like Frankie had been for Raf, once he’d realized he was gay.

“So,” Frankie was saying to Raf. He nodded in Justin’s direction. “He knows about Mom and Dad?”

“Yeah. He knows about everything.” Justin felt Raf take hold of his hand, under the table.

“I talked to Mom last night. I told her I was going to come see you.”

“What did she say?”

“She knows they fucked up. She didn’t say it, exactly, but I can tell. I don’t know what Dad’s thinking – you know how he is – but I don’t think Mom ever wanted things to get so… out of hand. I think she thought she could, like, scare you straight, or something. Like if you understood the consequences, you’d take it all back. She doesn’t understand that it’s not something you can change. It’s like she’s waiting for you to call, and say you made a mistake, and come home for Thanksgiving.” He shrugged. “I don’t know how you want to handle it, but I think she’d talk to you, if that’s what you want.”

Raf nodded slowly, processing, squeezing Justin’s hand intermittently.

“Maybe. I have to think about it.”

“Sure. I’ll keep trying to talk to them in the meantime. They know I’m not going back to Phoenix for the holidays if they keep up with this nonsense. I thought we could start planning to have Thanksgiving here, if you want.”

“Oh.” Raf smiled a little. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

Their food arrived, and Raf seemed ready to change the topic of conversation, so Frankie started asking Justin questions, and Justin did his best to answer honestly. He described his own strict, religious upbringing in vague detail. He talked about working for different YouTubers, and playing soccer in the city league.

“He’s ridiculously good,” Raf said, and Frankie smirked.

“You told me.”

“Oh. Right.” Raf was blushing again, and Justin thought he must be, too. He hadn’t known Raf had been talking to Frankie about him so much. And not just talking. _Bragging._

“Did you play soccer in high school, too?” Frankie asked.

“Uh. Yeah, eventually. Lacrosse, before that.”

“Uh huh.” Frankie was nodding, looking him over. “You look like a jock.”

Justin didn’t know how to interpret the comment, so he didn’t say anything. Raf shot Frankie a look.

“What? He does.”

“So do you,” Raf said. “So do I. So what?”

Frankie laughed. “You do _not_ look like a jock. You look like a tall gay guy who runs.”

Raf continued to glare at him. “What’s the difference?”

“Oh, wow, I am _not_ answering that question,” Frankie said.

“No, go ahead,” Raf said, still scowling, but Justin could tell they were just teasing each other. “Tell me how I look gayer than my gay boyfriend.”

“You’re sure he’s gay?” Frankie asked, smirking at Justin now.

“Uh huh,” Raf said. “I checked.”

Frankie nodded. “Good. Wouldn’t want to skip that step.”

Raf’s phone buzzed on the table, and he picked it up and checked the screen.

“Uh. That’s work. Looks like I have to go in tomorrow…” He scrolled for a second. “I just need to call them back real quick… my battery’s almost dead, though.” He looked at Justin. “Do you know where my cable ended up?”

“Oh… it’s probably still in my backpack.”

“Where’s your backpack?”

“By my side of the bed.”

Raf and Frankie both went still, and Justin’s hand tightened into a fist under the table. Did Frankie not know that they were spending nights together? Raf hadn’t mentioned anything about keeping that a secret.

“Uh… Frankie, be cool, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

Raf left the table, looking off-balance, and Justin heard his bedroom door close a few seconds later. Frankie cleared his throat.

“You’re sleeping here?”

Justin looked at him. He didn’t seem angry. More like… confused.

“Yeah.”

“But you have your own place, right?”

“Oh, yeah. We stay there, too, sometimes.”

Frankie blinked. “Rafael stays over at your place?”

“Well… yeah. I… I figured you knew.”

“Nope. He skipped right over that detail.” Frankie tilted his head to one side, and looked very much like Raf, for a moment. “You know he’s never spent the night with anyone before, right?”

“Huh?” That couldn’t be right. Raf and Caleb had dated for months.

“He doesn’t lie to me. I _know_. No one’s _ever_ slept over here. Not even that asshole he was with before.”

Justin’s mind was spinning – Could that really be true? – but Frankie was still talking, so he forced himself to focus.

“So… either you talked him into it, somehow, or he’s in love with you.”

Justin stared, for much longer than he meant to. “I didn’t talk him into it,” he finally said. “It just… happened. We fell asleep on his couch…” Justin was racking his brain, trying to remember. “He told me not to go home.”

“When was that?”

“Uh… when we first started hanging out.”

Frankie’s expression darkened, a little.

“And he didn’t tell you that he doesn’t let guys spend the night?”

“No… he never said anything like that.”

Frankie took a long breath. “You better know what you’re doing, man. My brother doesn’t do this. This is a big fucking deal to him. And no offense, but you seem pretty straight, which is not very reassuring, from my point of view.”

Justin forced himself to breathe. He’d been prepared for some version of this conversation, but the revelation that Raf had never spent the night with another guy had caught him completely off guard.

“I’ve never spent the night with anyone else, either.”

Frankie raised his eyebrows. “For real?”

“Yeah. This is a huge deal for me, too. Things between us are… serious.”

“How serious?” Frankie looked skeptical. “You gonna bring him home for your family’s Caucasian Christmas Special? You gonna pick up the pieces if our parents never talk to him again? You gonna buy him a ring and marry him in front of all your straight friends?”

“Yes,” Justin said, because that was exactly what he planned on doing.

Frankie ran a hand through his hair. “You better not, unless you really mean it. You better think about what would happen to him if you guys split up-”

“That’s not happening,” Justin said. “Not ever.”

Frankie stared, then nodded. “Guess we’ll see.”

“See about what?”

Raf was back, looking mildly agitated. Justin guessed he hadn’t planned on leaving them alone for so long. He stood up from the table, and put one hand on Raf’s waist, and Raf focused on him, and smiled.

“Everything okay with work?”

“Yeah. I just have to go in early tomorrow, so I might not be able to stick around for breakfast.”

“I’ll get up early and make something.”

Raf looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “I’d have to be eating by six.”

“No problem.” Justin turned to Frankie. “Does that work for you?”

“Yeah. I need to get back to San Diego before lunch, anyway.”

Justin took his phone out of his pocket and set an extra alarm for 5:20 the next morning.

“Okay. All set.”

“You’re the best,” Raf told him, and Justin put his fingers under his chin, and kissed him. And Raf kissed him back, so he took his time, because he needed Raf to know how he felt, and because he needed Frankie to know, too, and because he wanted to gather Raf’s sweetness around himself, and wear it like armor.

And when they broke apart, Justin kissed his forehead for good measure, and Raf was blushing, and beaming, and holding his hand.

“Okay, rub it in a little harder,” Frankie said, teasing again. Raf giggled.

“Frankie is perpetually single.”

“Uh huh. I thought we’d be carrying that torch together for a while,” Frankie said.

“No such luck.” Raf gave Justin’s hand a squeeze. “So… should we play some games for a bit? Justin can probably give you a run for your money.”

“Oh yeah?” Frankie smirked. “We’ll see about that.”

 

* * *

 

Justin didn’t bother holding back – he knew Frankie would be able to tell, if he did – but it turned out that they were relatively evenly matched. They all took turns playing against each other – the three of them had piled onto the couch, with Raf in the middle – and Raf emerged as the winner by a narrow margin. Then they switched over to something cooperative, and Justin opted to observe rather than play.

He enjoyed watching Raf and Frankie slip into what was obviously a familiar pattern of cooperation. Raf had said they’d spent a significant portion of their young lives gaming at their cousins’ house, and that Frankie had bought them a PlayStation as soon as he was old enough to work part time and pay for it. He’d also bought the laptop they’d shared until Frankie had left for college, and then Frankie had brought it with him, and bought Raf a new one with some of his scholarship money. Justin had seen that laptop, on the bottom shelf of Raf’s bookcase. It didn’t work anymore, but he’d kept it, anyway.

“No, go-”

“Yeah, I saw-”

“It’s the-”

“Uh huh-”

“Wait-”

“Yup, now-”

Justin smiled to himself. They were a good team.

Once they got into a consistent groove, Raf shifted the topic of conversation.

“So… what happened to the last girl? Didn’t you meet someone at a conference, or something?”

“Oh.” Frankie shrugged. “Yeah. Didn’t work out.”

Raf rolled his eyes. “What was it this time? Bad taste in sandwiches? Wrong number of siblings?”

Frankie shot him a look. “Are you seriously calling me picky? _Me_? After a whole year of saving yourself for Captain America?” He looked over at Justin. “No offense, man. You just have this whole… blonde superhero thing going on.”

Raf giggled. “You should see him in a cape.”

Frankie raised his eyebrows. “You wore a cape for him?”

“Uh. Yeah. To a Halloween party.”

“Oh. Right. That was… not what I was picturing.”

Raf elbowed him. “Stop picturing, please.”

“What? You know how I feel about Captain America.”

“Ugh, Frankie, don’t be weird.”

Frankie laughed. “You’re the one with the superhero kink.”

“ _Me?_ I know where you keep your Wonder Woman comics, and I know what you do with them, too-”

“Hey! Leave Diana out of this-”

They were jostling each other, and laughing, and their progress in the game was suffering for it, but neither of them seemed to care.

Justin was fascinated. He and Allison had never teased each other like this, or joked about sex, or relationships. He had been far too awkward and reserved as a teenager to engage in this kind of banter. But it was easy for him to imagine Raf and Frankie as kids, sitting on their couch at home, having this same argument, or one very much like it. He smiled again. Seeing Raf and Frankie together made him feel like he knew Raf a little bit better, like he could get a glimpse of all the important pieces of Raf’s life he hadn’t been around for. Frankie was the one who had taken care of Raf, before, and despite the lingering awkwardness between them, Justin was grateful for that.

They decided to call it an early night, since they all had to be up so early the next morning, and Raf made up the couch for Frankie. They said goodnight, and then Justin found himself in Raf’s bedroom, staring at the bed they’d been sharing off and on for more than two weeks, thinking about everything Frankie had said to him.

“Justin?” Raf sounded nervous. He was standing close by, but not too close.

“Yeah?”

“What did he tell you?”

Justin met his eye. “He told me you never spent the night with anyone, before.”

Raf sighed. “Yeah. That’s true.”

“Even Caleb? Even when you-”

“Yeah. Even then.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried. That night you came home all scraped up, and I tried to sleep on the couch… Remember?”

Justin nodded. He’d been thinking about that night, too.

“I didn’t pressure you, right? I really tried to give you space…”

“I know. I didn’t want any.” Raf ran a hand through his hair, and Justin waited patiently until he started to speak again. “That first night, when we fell asleep on the couch, it was just so… I don’t know… innocent? I knew you weren’t trying to _take_ anything from me. It was like I could see everything through your eyes, and it was all brand new, and sweet, and fragile, and… I don’t know. I just wanted to be the one you experienced those things with. And then, once I knew what it felt like to go to sleep with you there, and wake up next to you… I couldn’t give it up.” He swallowed, searching Justin’s face. “Are you upset?”

“No.” Justin moved closer to him, and put his hands on his waist. “I’m not, it’s just… I wish I’d known. It was so special for me. It still is. I knew it was a big deal for you, too, but I didn’t know it was a _first_.”

Raf put his hands on Justin’s chest. “Justin… you’re the first person I’ve ever trusted enough to stay with me all night. The first and only.” He smiled. “How’s it feel?”

“Incredible,” Justin said, and he tightened his arms around Raf’s waist, and lifted him up. And he felt Raf’s legs wrapping around him, and he kissed Raf’s lips, and carried him to the bed, and laid him down gently, and climbed over him.

_“Can we pretend it’s the first time, again?”_

Raf nodded, smiling. _“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I want you to stay here tonight.”_

Justin would never forget the first time Rad had said those words to him. He’d been at such a low point, then – feeling so insecure and inept, he couldn’t imagine that Raf would ever want anything from him, that Raf would ever think he had something worthwhile to give. And then he’d heard those words, and Raf hadn’t been asking him, he’d been _telling_ him – _I want you to stay here tonight_ – and the certainty of it had given him a glimpse of a future he’d almost given up on.

 _“I want to stay with you,”_ he said, because Raf deserved that same certainty. “ _I want every night to be like this.”_

_“Every night?”_

Justin kissed his forehead, and his cheek, and his neck. _“Yeah. Every night.”_ He went on kissing his way from Raf’s jaw to his collarbone, and Raf sighed, and said,

_“I should have told you everything before. I’m sorry.”_

And Justin looked at him, and smiled, and said, _“It’s better this way. I can make it special, now.”_

 _“It’s always been special.”_ Justin straddled him, and pressed their foreheads together, and rocked against him. And Raf exhaled, and smiled, and said, _“Okay. Yes. This is better. This is perfect.”_

* * *

 

Justin’s alarm went off at 5:20 the next morning, and he groped for it in a groggy haze, and knocked it off of Raf’s night stand, and groaned. He was on his stomach, and Raf was pressed against the length of his body, his arm secured across his back. He opened his eyes and waited for the inevitable, as the beeping alarm grew steadily louder.

“Uhhhhh. Justin. Your phone.” Raf opened his eyes and blinked at him.

“I dropped it.”

“Noooo. Why did you do that?”

Justin smiled at Raf’s sleepy, scratchy voice. “I’m sorry. You have me pinned.”

Raf swallowed, still blinking the sleep from his eyes. “I’m going to punish you now.”

“Do your worst.”

Raf tilted his head toward Justin’s upper arm, opened his mouth, and sank his teeth into his bicep.

Justin laughed. “That tickles.”

Raf raised his eyebrows. “You want me to make it hurt?”

“Sure.”

Raf propped himself up and put his mouth midway between Justin’s shoulder and neck, and bit down. Justin liked the firm pressure, and the way Raf’s weight was pressing down on his back.

“More,” he said, and Raf made an affectionate sound, and Justin felt his tongue, and then more pressure, and then a circle of focused discomfort, and he exhaled, and closed his eyes, and pressed himself against the bed-

“Oh.”

Justin opened his eyes. Raf had propped himself up again, and he was touching the spot on Justin’s shoulder with his fingertips.

“I left a mark.”

Justin nodded against his pillow.

“Good.”

Raf kissed the spot again, gently this time.

“Have I mentioned that you’re so _fucking_ sexy?” He slid onto Justin’s back – straddling him from behind – and leaned over the edge of the bed, groping for the phone. He silenced the alarm, tossed the phone onto the night stand, and then put his hands on Justin’s back. Most of his weight was pressing on Justin’s tailbone, and they were both wearing boxers, so Justin was trying to figure out which parts of Raf were pressing against him.

“Is this okay?” Raf asked, his voice quiet.

“Yeah.”

Raf bent down, slid his arms under Justin’s shoulders, and pressed his chest against his back.

_“Is this okay?”_

_“Yeah.”_ Justin swallowed. _“Tighter.”_

Raf tightened his arms, and hugged Justin’s lower body with his legs.

_“Like that?”_

_“Yeah.”_

Raf kissed his cheek, then pressed his face against Justin’s hair.

_“I wish I didn’t have to go.”_

_“Me, too.”_

Justin was thinking about the way Raf had hugged him in the bathroom, after he’d panicked. The way Raf’s hold on him made him feel safe instead of confined.

_“Hey, Raf?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Do you like getting dressed up?”_

Raf rubbed his nose against his hair.

_“I’m going to assume you mean formalwear.”_

Justin giggled.

_“Yeah.”_

_“I love getting dressed up.”_

_“Will you go out with me tonight? For dinner?”_

_“Fancy dinner?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Yes.”_ Raf kissed the back of his neck. _“You’re going to get dressed up for me?”_

_“Uh huh.”_

Raf sighed, and Justin felt like he was sighing, too.

 _“I’ll be counting the minutes,”_ Raf said.

_“Me, too.”_

* * *

 

Frankie was already awake and showered and reclining on the couch by the time Justin went to the living room. He looked up from his phone and nodded as Justin approached him.

“Hey… you want to get some more sleep while I make breakfast? I can be quiet in the kitchen.”

Frankie shook his head. “Nah. Thanks, though.” He sat up, making some more space on the couch. “Sit for a minute.”

It didn’t sound like a request. Justin sat down, and Frankie eyed him for a second before he started talking.

“My instinct is to throw you out of here,” he said. “And it’s not really your fault. I’d feel that way about anyone who got this close to my brother. Especially this fast.”

Justin nodded. “I understand.”

Frankie sighed. “Look… you seem like a really decent dude. And Rafael would kill me if he thought I was being a dick to you. But I’ve never seen him like this. He’s obviously lost his Goddamn mind over you, and I honestly don’t think he’d recover, if you broke his heart. He’s lost too much already. So I’m going to ask you nicely to get the fuck out of his life, unless you actually plan to stick around forever.”

Justin took a second to process this, and then said, “I’m not going anywhere. As long as he wants me here, I’ll be here.”

Frankie groaned. “I kinda believe you.” He hesitated, and then said, “Keep doing what you’re doing. Whatever that is. I was planning to take a week off of work to come stay here after… you know, our parents, and everything. I wasn’t sure he’d ever get out of bed again. But you’ve been here for him. Thanks for that.”

Justin nodded. “And you were here for him through everything else, up to now. So… thanks for that.”

Frankie stood up and extended his hand, and Justin let him pull him to his feet.

“Rafael’s better in the kitchen than I am, but I can crack eggs, or whatever. If you want some help.”

Justin smiled. “Sure.”

 

* * *

 

“Justin! I’m so glad you called!”

Allison threw her arms around him, and he smiled, and hugged her back.

“You sure you can get away for a while? We’ll need at least an hour.”

“Yup. I don’t have to be back until two.”

Justin had parked on the street in front of the shop she worked in, and he opened the car door for her, then circled around to climb in behind the wheel.

“So where are we going?”

“Uh. I need clothes.”

“Huh?”

“I need something to wear. Something really nice.”

She giggled. “We’re going _shopping?_ Really?” She froze. “Wait… why do you need fancy clothes? What are you doing? You’re not, like, _proposing_ , are you?”

Justin laughed. “No! I mean… not yet, anyway.”

“Not _yet_?” She put a hand on his arm. “But eventually?”

“Well… yeah. I hope so.”

She blinked at him.

“Oh, Ally, don’t cry…” he said, but he could feel himself grinning.

“I’m not,” she said, her voice thick. She cleared her throat. “How much do you want to spend?”

“A lot.”

 

* * *

 

 

Justin stared at himself in the dressing room mirror. The shirt and pants he’d just put on weren’t too far removed from clothes he had worn before, though they were a little more slim-fitting, and much more expensive than anything he’d ever bought for himself. It made a difference. He could tell he looked good.

He’d chosen a navy-blue shirt – Raf consistently chose navy for him, whenever they got dressed together – and light gray pants that clung close to his body. He turned to the side, and smiled, imagining Raf’s reaction.

The easy part was over, though. He needed accessories – shoes, a belt, a tie – and he was totally overwhelmed by the prospect, which was why he’d asked Allison to come with him. He walked out of the dressing room and found her waiting for him, and she managed to keep her cool, like she’d promised to do, though she did squeal at him a little bit, once she’d checked to make sure none of the store employees were close enough to hear.

“Guess what,” she said.

“What?”

“That guy working the register is checking you out.”

“Huh?”

Justin turned reflexively and saw the scruffy, dark-haired guy behind the counter looking in his direction. The guy smiled at him, then looked away, and Justin swallowed, and turned back to Allison.

“He’s just… looking. We’re the only ones doing anything interesting in here.”

“No way,” she said. “He’s boning you with his eyeballs.”

“Ally!”

She laughed. “You should get used to it. You have a vibe going on.”

“A vibe?”

“Yeah. You’re all hot and mysterious, all of a sudden. It’s kinda freaking me out.”

Justin glared at her, and then they both laughed, and she showed him the belts, ties, and shoes one of the salespeople had pulled for them. He decided to defer to her judgment, and she chose a long, thin tie that was mostly light blue, with a pink and charcoal pattern, as well as brown shoes and a brown belt. She’d also set aside a pair of navy-blue pants, two other shirts, and three other ties, and he decided to get all of it, hoping this wouldn’t be the last time he and Raf would get dressed up and go out together.

It was something he’d always secretly wanted to do. He’d never had much interest in shopping as an activity, but he’d always liked the way his body looked in formalwear, and had enjoyed dressing up for school events and family weddings, though he’d never told anyone about it. When he’d been much younger – before he’d started to dwell on his ineptitude with (and, ultimately, his disinterest in) the girls he’d tried to date – he’d imagined himself in romantic scenarios all the time. He’d learned to ignore those fantasies a long time ago, but it was all coming back to him, now. He used to dream about having someone to dress up for, and do nice things for. Someone to take care of.

He and Allison went up to the register, and the dark-haired guy behind the counter flashed him another smile, and started ringing up the items.

“Do you have an account with us already?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.”

“You should definitely open one!”

Justin felt himself blushing. He was starting to think Allison might have been right about this guy. _Shane._ That’s what his nametag said.

“You probably should,” Allison prompted. “I’m guessing we’ll be back.”

“Uh… okay,” Justin said. “What do I have to do?”

Shane clicked around on his computer. “Just fill out that form, there,” he said, pointing to the screen that was facing Justin. “Don’t forget your phone number. You can type it in there, or you can write it down for me, and I can put it in the system for you.”

He wasn’t looking in Justin’s direction – he was still scanning and folding the shirts – so there was a chance that he was just trying to be helpful. But there was also a chance that he was asking for Justin’s phone number.

“I think I can figure it out,” Justin said. “Thanks, though.”

The guy nodded, still smiling. He finished folding everything and packed the clothing in boxes, and Justin paid with his credit card, and signed the receipt.

“Thanks so much…” Shane glanced down at the slip of paper. “…Mr. Edwards.” He stared directly into Justin’s eyes. “Is there anything else I can do for you, today?”

“No. Thanks for your help.”

“My pleasure. Come back soon.”

Justin nodded at the guy, who was still grinning broadly at him, and then he followed Allison out of the store.

“Oh my _God_ ,” she said, as soon as they were out on the sidewalk. “If he’d hit on you any harder you’d have a concussion. You’re welcome, by the way.”

He laughed. “For what?”

“The clothes. People are going to be drooling all over you.”

He nodded. “I think Raf’s going to be really happy.”

Justin unlocked the car, put the bags in the trunk, and climbed inside with Allison.

“You know, that guy in there is ridiculously attractive,” she said.

He shrugged. “So?”

She grinned at him. “You’re the best, Justin. Raf’s a lucky guy.”

 

* * *

 

Justin made a couple more stops on his way home. He made some preparations around his apartment, and then he did a couple hours of work before he took his second shower of the day, and got dressed for dinner in his bedroom. It felt strange to get ready without Raf there – they usually ate together at home, or met up before getting ready to go out – but he was enjoying the anticipation. His hands shook a little bit as he tied his tie in the mirror, and he knew it would probably happen at least one more time before the night was over, but it was a lighter, happier version of the anxiousness he was used to feeling, and he welcomed it. He was _excited._ He couldn’t remember feeling more excited about anything in his life.

He finished straightening his tie and then picked up his phone from his bed to check his messages.

 

Raf: I’m ready when you are

Raf: I can’t wait to see you

Raf: Like, I can’t wait to SEE you

Raf: With my eyes

Raf: And also to be in your presence

Raf: Text messaging needs an “unsend” feature, I know I sound crazy, please take pity on me, I’m so excited

Raf: I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU

 

Justin laughed to himself. They were running a little early for their reservation, but he didn’t care.

 

Justin: I can’t wait to see you. I’m leaving now.

Raf: OKAY I’LL BE TOTALLY CALM BY THE TIME YOU GET HERE DON’T WORRY

Justin: We’ll be excited together.

 

He checked his reflection again, and looked over the bedroom one more time, and then grabbed his keys from the kitchen and drove over to Raf’s apartment. Raf had told him to come upstairs, and they had plenty of time to get to the restaurant, so Justin rode the elevator to the top floor, and knocked on Raf’s door. Raf opened it right away.

“Hey! Oh… oh, wow…”

He let Justin step inside while he stared, his mouth hanging open, and Justin left about four feet of space between them so he could look Raf over from head to toe. He was wearing close-fitting navy-blue pants, a light, ocean-blue shirt, and a long, thin silver tie with a tiny bit of purple in the pattern.

“Wow,” Justin echoed, once he found his voice. “You look…”

“Amazing,” Raf said.

“Yeah. Amazing.”

Justin let himself go on staring, taking in the way Raf’s skin looked against the blue fabric, and the way his tie fell along the length of his torso, and the way his belt kept drawing Justin’s eye to his narrow waistline-

“Hey…” Raf said, his voice quiet. He was right in front of Justin, now, and he had the collar of Justin’s shirt between his thumb and his forefinger. “I’ve been all over your closet. I’ve never seen these before.”

“Oh. Yeah. They’re new.”

“You got them today? For our date?”

“Yeah. You really like them?”

“They’re perfect.”

Justin touched Raf’s tie with the pad of his index finger. “Yours look new, too.”

Raf nodded. “They are. I went out at lunch time. I had things I could’ve worn, but… I don’t know. I just wanted everything to be special.”

“Me, too.”

Raf was touching each button on the front of Justin’s shirt, now. “I have to be honest… I was kind of surprised you asked me to do this. I didn’t think you’d be dying to put on fancy clothes.”

Justin touched his fingertips to the edge of Raf’s belt. “I want you to like how I look.”

“I _love_ how you look.”

Justin smiled. “I know. But I meant… I’ve never wanted that from someone, before.”

“Oh. Wow.” Raf put his hands on Justin’s waist. “I understand.” He pressed his lips to Justin’s cheek. _“I’ll make it special, for you.”_

Justin finally kissed him, then, because he couldn’t wait anymore. And he pulled Raf’s body close, and ran his fingers over the back of his shirt, from his collar to his belt, and then he let his hands linger on his hips, tracing the places where Raf’s shirt was tucked into the waistband of his pants.

 _“So… dinner… right?”_ Raf said, his forehead pressed against Justin’s.

 _“Yeah. Dinner.”_ Justin swallowed. _“And then back to my place.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah. I have… surprises.”_

Raf was tracing the buckle on his belt.

_“I can’t wait.”_

 

* * *

 

 

They had to walk a couple of blocks from the parking garage to the restaurant, and Justin respected Raf’s no-touching rule while they were out on the street, since it was after dark. Still, he could feel the energy and anticipation between them while they walked, and he put his hand on the small of Raf’s back as soon as he could see the restaurant sign up ahead.

“See? Right up there,” he said. They were walking fast, and Raf practically skipped when he saw the sign.

“I’ve always wanted to come here!”

Justin laughed. “Yeah. You mentioned it, once. Did you know they have homemade pasta?”

“I know! I know!”

He felt Raf’s arm slide around his waist, and neither of them let go when they walked into the restaurant and up to the host.

Justin gave his name, and a tall girl with a long, black ponytail smiled at them, and led them across the dining room. The lighting in the place was dim, but there were plants and sculptures decorated with tiny amber lights that reflected off of the glassware.

 _“It’s so pretty,”_ Raf whispered while they walked, and Justin took hold of his hand and squeezed. It was a Monday night, and it was Halloween, so the restaurant wasn’t particularly crowded, but they earned themselves a few lingering glances from other guests, and Justin hoped Raf wouldn’t mind. He knew they had no hope of blending in – they were both over six feet tall, and he was certain Raf was the most attractive person on the face of the Earth – and he’d been at peace with that fact all along. He knew he had everything to gain, having Raf by his side, and the threat of judgment, or discrimination, or even violence didn’t faze him. He just hoped Raf felt that way, too.

The hostess showed them to a booth along the far wall, which leant them a fair amount of privacy, and they sat down facing each other. Justin watched the amber lights reflecting in Raf’s eyes while he looked around the room.

“It’s _so_ pretty!” he repeated. “Look at the lights!”

Justin smiled. “I looked at pictures online. I thought it would be…”

“Romantic?”

“Yeah.”

“It is. It’s perfect.”

“Check the menu. The pasta page.”

Raf opened the menu book, and scanned the page, and grinned.

“Tagliatelle!”

“Check the dessert page, too.”

Raf flipped the page, and his eyes went wide. “Peanut butter _what?_ ”

Justin laughed. “It’s supposed to be _so_ good.”

“Oh my God,” Raf said. “You’re the _best._ ”

“The drink menu looks pretty insane, too,” Justin said. “I’m driving, so…”

Raf shook his head. “No. I don’t want to feel any different than I do right now.” He held out his hand, over the table, and Justin took it.

Their waitress arrived just then, and beamed at their clasped hands, and introduced herself as Kayla.

“Are you celebrating anything special tonight?” she asked, and Justin’s mind spun, because he knew he couldn’t possibly articulate all the things they were celebrating.

“Just being together,” Raf said, and Justin smiled. That pretty much summed it up.

“Excellent. Welcome,” Kayla said. “Can I get you something to drink?”

They both decided to stick with water, but Raf ordered an appetizer, and she left them alone to keep working their way through the menu. Once they’d decided on the rest of their order, Raf set his menu book aside, and pressed his foot against Justin’s under the table.

“Hey,” he said. “So… this might sound kind of weird.”

Justin shook his head. “Tell me.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been myself like this, in public, before. When my parents didn’t know I was gay… I was always worried that it would get back to them, somehow, before I was ready to tell them. I’ve never really been on dates like this, like when we went to meet your friends, or like coming here tonight. And I _love_ it. So… thank you. For asking me to come here. For holding my hand.”

Justin picked up Raf’s hand again, and pulled it toward him, and kissed the back of it.

“I’m so sorry it’s been so hard, with your family. I would do anything to make it better.”

“You do. I can’t imagine doing this, without you. I think you even managed to get on Frankie’s good side.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You were so great, with him. I know he didn’t make it easy.”

“I’m glad he didn’t. I’m glad he’s watching out for you.”

Raf smiled, tracing the back of Justin’s hand with his thumb.

Kayla returned with their appetizer, and took the rest of their order, and they started eating, sharing from the single plate. When they were almost finished, Raf took his phone out of his pocket and swiped at the screen for a few seconds, and then put it down. Justin felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he smiled, and pulled it out.

 

Raf: I think we should make a list of all the things we could do with these clothes. Like, besides wearing them.

Justin: For example?

Raf: Button race! You can time me while I unbutton your shirt, and I’ll keep practicing until I hit peak efficiency.

 

Justin laughed out loud, and Raf smirked at him from across the table, and then finished his last bite. Kayla appeared with the rest of their food, and Justin waited until Raf took a few bites, and then swiped a response.

 

Justin: I have one for pants

Raf: Well hurry up and tell me

Justin: I can carry you to bed and see how long you can stand to keep them on

 

Raf met his eye, took a sip of water, and then swiped at his phone.

 

Raf: Maybe you can try a few things, and see which one works the best

Justin: You know I like to be thorough

Raf: One of your many incredibly attractive qualities

Raf: Though if I had to rank them

Raf: There are a few others that are higher on the list

Justin: Such as?

Raf: A sampling, in no particular order:

Raf: The way you always tell the truth

Raf: The way your ass looks in those pants

Raf: The way you kiss really slow, like you actually care about how it feels

Raf: The way you set your shoulders when you run

Raf: The way you pick me up and carry me around

Raf: The way you try to protect me all the time

Raf: The way your chest and your face get all red right before you come

Raf: The way you taste

 

Justin put his fork down. He’d only managed to eat a few bites before he had to stop.

 

Justin: I have a list too

 

He hesitated, then let himself type what he really wanted to say.

 

Justin: Of all the things I love about you

Raf: I’m guessing my morning breath is not one of them

Justin: No, but your superhero kink is

 

Raf giggled out loud, and they smiled at each other for a minute, and then took a few more bites of their dinner.

 

Raf: Tell me more

Justin: I love that you’re better at surfing than I am

Justin: I love that you can kick my ass at video games

Justin: I love it when you pick out clothes for me

Justin: I love how you care so much about everything, and how you’re so nice to everyone

Justin: I love it when my pillow smells like your hair

 

Justin took a breath.

 

Justin: I love how you look when you’re naked in my bed

Justin: I love how your voice changes when you’re close

 

“Justin?”

He looked up, and found Raf looking back at him, gripping the edge of the table.

“Yeah?”

“Can we get dessert to go?”

 

* * *

 

They were kissing before they made it inside Justin’s apartment. A middle-aged woman came out of a neighboring unit and found them like that – Justin’s keys in his hand, Raf’s hands in his hair – and she made a scandalized sound, and hurried toward the elevator, and they laughed, and fumbled with the keys, and stumbled through the door.

 _“Raf-_ ”

He had his mouth on Justin’s neck, and he was walking him backward toward the couch.

 _“Oh- ah- hang on- wait a sec-_ ”

Raf stopped, and moved his hands to a neutral position on Justin’s waist.

“Everything okay?”

“More than okay. I just want to show you a couple things.”

“Oh!” Raf grinned. “Surprises! I forgot!”

“Yeah. Come on.”

Justin led him down the hallway to the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet under the sink, and pulled out a plastic bin containing shampoo and conditioner, face wash, soap, shaving cream, and a new razor.

Raf stared for a second, and then said, “That’s my shampoo...”

“Yeah. It’s all the stuff you use, right? I mean, I don’t mind if you use mine, but I thought you might like to have your own, that you can always keep here-”

Raf’s lips pressed against his cheek for a long moment.

“Thank you,” he said. “This is amazing.”

Justin smiled. “There’s more.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

He took Raf’s hand and led him back to the bedroom door, and then he opened it, and pulled him inside. And then he held his breath, and held one hand in a fist at his side, while Raf stared around the room.

“Wow…” Raf said, turning in a circle on the spot. “It’s like the restaurant! It’s so _pretty_ …”

It was true. Justin had lined the doorframes, the desk, and the headboard with strings of tiny lights. He’d also draped three strands across the ceiling, over the bed. The lamp and the overhead light were switched off, so the room was awash in a dim, amber glow.

Raf stepped close to him, and put his hands on his waist. “This is _beautiful_. I love it.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do.” Raf tilted his head to the side. “You were nervous?”

Justin nodded.

“Why?”

He put his arms around Raf’s shoulders.

“It’s something I used to think about, when I was younger. Before I ever dated anyone, or anything, I would sort of… picture what it would be like, I guess. And it was really hard, because I had no idea what I wanted that person to look like, so sometimes I just pictured, like, kissing… or being in a certain place…” He swallowed. His hands were shaking a little. “Remember how I told you about the house we used to go to? On the lake?”

“Yeah.” Raf was smiling, listening patiently.

“I used to lay on the dock at night, sometimes, and I used to think… maybe my first time would happen like that. Under the stars, I mean.”

“Oh.” Raf looked up at the ceiling – at the tiny lights – and then back at Justin’s face. _“Oh._ Justin…”

“Hang on,” he said. “I have a couple more things to show you.”

Raf nodded. “Okay.”

Justin led him over to the closet and opened the door, and the dim light filtered in, just enough for them to see inside.

“I rearranged a little bit,” he said. “In case you want to leave some more things here. You could hang some shirts, there.” He pointed to the right end of the hanging bar, which was empty, now. “And I emptied out one more drawer for you, under the first one. So… you should go check it out.”

Raf squeezed his hand, then went to the drawer and opened it, and pulled out the small box he found inside. He opened that, too, and held up a small metal ring with two keys on it.

“The big one is for the door downstairs,” Justin said. “The little one is for up here.”

Raf stared at the keys, and then stared at Justin.

“Uh… I mean, you know I love staying at your place. But I wanted you to know how much I love having you here, too. I wanted you to know how serious I am. About you. And… I wanted you to know I’m ready. For us to be together. I’m ready when you are.”

Raf took his own keys out of his pocket, and slid the new ones onto the ring. Then he put them all back in his pocket, and walked over to Justin, and put one hand on his cheek, and one hand on his tie.

“This is perfect. _You’re_ perfect.” He pressed their foreheads together. _“I’m ready, too.”_

_“You’re sure?”_

_“I’m sure.”_

Justin took a breath, and then kissed Raf’s lips, and slid his hands around his waist, and pulled him close. And he felt Raf loosening his tie, and undoing the buttons on his shirt, and undoing the buckle on his belt. And then he took his time doing the same – undressing Raf slowly, touching his fingertips to every inch of bare skin he was uncovering. And when they were both undressed down to their boxers, he lifted Raf off of the ground, and carried him to the bed, and laid him down in the space where he used to sleep alone.

And then he kneeled between Raf’s thighs, and put his mouth on Raf’s neck, and practiced. He rolled his hips against Raf’s body, and he heard Raf moan, and he felt Raf’s legs wrapping around him-

_“Like that?”_

_“Yes. Just like that.”_

He did it again, and Raf pressed back against him, and they kissed each other, and touched each other’s skin. And then Justin felt Raf’s hands inside his boxers, pushing them down, pulling him closer, and he slid his hand down Raf’s side and around his hip, and he pushed Raf’s boxers down, too. And then he sat back, and pulled them all the way off, and kicked his own aside.

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“You’re so beautiful.”_

Raf found one of his hands, and pulled it to his lips, and kissed his fingertips. And Justin bent over him, and kissed his forehead, and said,

_“Because of you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”_

And Raf was reaching for the bottle on the night stand, and pouring liquid onto Justin’s fingers, and blinking and sighing as Justin slid two of them inside him. And Justin was brushing Raf’s hair back from his eyes, and kissing his face, and trying to control his breathing-

 _“Justin.”_ Raf’s hand was on the back of his neck. _“It’s okay. Breathe with me, okay?”_

He nodded, and pressed his cheek against Raf’s, and let his lungs fill with air. And he tried not to worry about coming too early, or going too fast, or pushing too hard-

_“Do you know why I want to do this with you?”_

Justin looked at him, and thought about all the things Raf had typed to him in the restaurant-

 _“It’s because I trust you. I can feel how much you want to stay with me. And I know you want everything to go a certain way, but… firsts can be messy. And that’s fine. Nothing could make this less perfect than it already is.”_ He held Justin’s face with both hands, and smiled. _“So… you want to make a mess with me?”_

Justin smiled. _“More than anything.”_ He moved his fingers some more, and watched the way Raf’s expression changed, and he bent his fingers and _pressed_ , and Raf made a lovely sound, and bit his lip, and shifted underneath him. And he’d spent all night falling in love with Raf all over again, and he wanted him to feel it – he wanted them both to live inside this feeling, forever – and he kissed Raf’s lips, and tasted the inside of his mouth, and felt desperate to get closer…

And then Raf grabbed a condom from the night stand, and opened the package-

_“Can I put it on for you?”_

And Justin nodded, and pulled his fingers away from Raf’s body, and braced both of his hands on the bed, by Raf’s shoulders, because they were shaking. And Raf looked in his eyes, and stroked him gently for a handful of breaths, and then rolled the condom onto him. And then he shifted his hips, and pressed Justin’s head against his opening-

_“Go slow, okay?”_

_“I will. I promise.”_

_“Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”_

And Justin sat back on his knees, and braced one hand against Raf’s thigh, and lined himself up, and _pressed._

Nothing happened at first. He wasn’t using enough force. He looked at Raf, and Raf grasped his arm, and smiled at him, taking measured breaths. So he tried again, and applied a bit more pressure – and he felt Raf’s body give way, felt himself sliding inside-

“Oh- Fuck! Ah!”

Justin froze, his heart pounding, and looked down at Raf, who was making noise through gritted teeth.

“Are you okay??”

“Mhm-”

“Why are you making that face??”

“I’m not-”

“Yes, you are-”

“Just- pretend I’m sexy-”

Justin laughed out loud, and Raf laughed, too.

“You _are_ sexy.”

Raf groaned. “Just give me a second-”

“What should I do?”

“Nothing- you’re perfect- stay just like that-”

Raf continued to breathe, digging his fingers into Justin’s arm, wearing a pained expression, and Justin held himself as still as he possibly could, trying to focus on the sensation of Raf’s hand instead of the blissful, aching pressure around the head of his cock-

“Justin?”

“Uh huh?”

“Talk to me?”

Justin swallowed. This was still a challenge for him, especially under pressure. He was getting better at talking about how he felt, but he usually practiced in his head, first, sometimes for days before finding a way to share something important with Raf.

“I thought about getting you flowers,” he said, because it was true. “I wasn’t sure if you would like that, or not.”

Raf nodded, his eyes closed. “I would. I like everything you do, for me.”

“I got you something else, too. I was going to give it to you in the morning. It’s kind of silly, and I wanted tonight to be… romantic.”

Raf smiled. He put his hands on Justin’s hips, and pulled him a little closer, and Justin slid further inside, and bowed his head, and whimpered.

“Tell me,” Raf said, his voice sounding strained.

Justin took a shaky breath, and tried to focus on Raf’s face, because the urge to push, to _thrust_ , was almost overwhelming.

“Uh- it’s- it’s a keychain. Shaped like Captain America’s shield. For the keys-”

Raf pulled on his hips again, and Justin made a strangled sound, because he was _all the way_ inside, and it was heaven, and it was agony, and for a horrifying moment, he thought he might actually cry-

“I wanted you, before- before I knew you were sweet, like this-” Raf said, panting, his eyebrows drawn together. “I already wanted you, so much… you have no idea how much…”

“I do know,” Justin said, his voice sounding strange to his own ears. “I do. Can I come down there?”

Raf nodded, and Justin bent down slowly, and braced his forearms on either side of Raf’s head, and kissed him. He moved slow, even though his body was on fire, his cock begging for friction. He knew how he wanted this to happen, and he knew Raf could support his weight, so he looped one arm under Raf’s shoulder, and put his other arm around Raf’s head, and he pressed their chests together, and buried his face against Raf’s neck.

_“I wanted you, too. Since the first night we kissed. And every day since then.”_

Raf rocked against him, and a jolt of pleasure hit Justin so hard he felt dizzy, and he squeezed Raf’s body against himself-

 _“Baby- move now, okay?_ ”

Justin held his breath, and held Raf tight, and rocked his hips-

 _“Mmh-_ ”

 _“Oh, God, Justin-_ ”

And then he tried it again-

 _“Yeah, like that, more-_ ”

And then three more times-

 _“Ah- ha- uh huh-_ ”

_“It’s okay?”_

_“It’s perfect don’t stop-_ ”

He didn’t. He rolled his hips over and over, the awkwardness of the unfamiliar movement dissipating quickly, since Raf was moaning in his arms, and grabbing at his hips, and reaching between them to stroke himself-

_“Raf? Let me do that?”_

_“Yes please please I want you to-_ ”

Justin propped himself up on his forearm, and reached between them, and took hold of Raf’s cock. It was slick and dripping with precum – much more than usual – and it glided easily against his palm each time he thrusted-

 _“Oh, God- Justin- ah- I’m close already-_ ”

 _“Uh huh- me too-_ ”

Raf was looking up at him, his mouth partially open, and Justin slowed his pace to a crawl, and kissed him, because he’d been waiting his whole life for this moment, and it was perfect, and he was desperate for it to last. And Raf put one hand around the back of his head, and kissed him back with a fierceness that made his breath catch in his chest. And Justin rolled his hips, moving slow and deep, and he felt Raf’s arm tight around his back, and Raf’s fingers tight in his hair, and then Raf moaned against his mouth, and hugged him tighter, and said,

_“Faster.”_

And Justin bit down on his lower lip so hard that it hurt, because he didn’t want to come yet – he wanted Raf to come, first – and he closed his eyes, and thrusted into him, and Raf made a sound every time he collided with that wall deep inside. And Justin moved even faster, because Raf was nodding against his neck, and he knew it was jerky, and unrefined – because this was his first time, and firsts can be messy – but it didn’t matter, because Raf was already falling-

 _“Justin- ah- AH-_ ”

And the pressure was crushing him, and he couldn’t wait, anymore, so he pressed his face against Raf’s cheek, and he let the moment overtake him.

And the first thing he heard, when he came to his senses, was Raf’s breathing, close to his ear.

And then he felt Raf’s hand, moving slowly over his back.

And then he felt Raf’s lips on his shoulder, and his neck.

And then he heard Raf whisper:

_“Justin.”_

And he whispered back:

_“Rafael.”_

 

* * *

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

_“Justin. Baby.”_

_“Mm.”_

_“Time to wake up.”_

Justin opened his eyes, and Raf was right there, sitting on the edge of the bed, bending over him.

“Hey,” Raf said, smiling. “Don’t move. You look perfect like that.”

Justin blinked, trying to rouse himself. He reached up to smooth Raf’s hair, and then touched his cheek with his fingertips.

“You’re here,” he said. “Raf… last night…”

Raf pressed his lips to his forehead.

“I know. It was perfect.”

“It was more than that.”

Raf nodded. “You know what the best part is?”

“What?”

“We can do it whenever we want.”

“Oh. Wow.” Justin paused, letting the notion sink in. “I think it’s going to take me a while to get my head around that.”

“Don’t bother,” Raf said. “You can be amazed every time.”

“I’ll be amazed every time, regardless.” He put his hand on Raf’s hip, over his boxers. “How does it feel, after? Does it hurt?”

“No. Not at all. You were so careful…”

“I would never hurt you.”

“I know.”

Raf picked up Justin’s pill bottle from the night stand and handed it to him.

“It’s a little after eight. I didn’t want you to get up. I brought you a protein bar.”

“You’re the best.” Justin swallowed a pill, and took a few bites of the bar while Raf traced patterns on his bare stomach.

“I think you have some messages,” Raf said. “I didn’t snoop, or anything. I just saw the icons when I turned off your alarm.”

Justin smiled. “You can snoop. I trust you.”

He picked up his phone and found two voicemails from his parents’ home number. He sighed.

“I think my mom was calling, yesterday. I didn’t pick up. I haven’t talked to her since I told her about everything.”

“Do you want some privacy?”

“Definitely not.”

Justin tapped on the message and held the phone to his ear.

 

“Justin… it’s your mother. I just got off the phone with Allison… I really think you should come home. Please call me back when you get this.”

 

He looked at the timestamp. She had called at 3:46 in the afternoon, and the next message was from 7:32 in the evening.

 

“Justin. Your father and I are very worried. We need to talk to you. Call us back tonight, even if it’s late.”

 

He made a face.

“She sounds pretty upset.”

Raf rested a hand on his arm.

“What do you want to do?”

“I’ll call her back. But not right now.”

He put the phone back on the night stand, and then opened the top drawer, and pulled out a small piece of circular metal attached to a keyring. It was decorated with rings of red, white, and blue enamel, with a white star in the middle. He handed it to Raf.

“I know it’s silly,” he said. “It just reminded me of you. Everything does, now. I’m always wondering what you’re thinking, or wishing I could show you something, and see you smile.”

Raf grinned.

“Uh huh. Just like that.”

“I love it. I’ll put it on whenever I find my keys. I think my pants are still in your closet.”

Justin nodded. “That’s a good place for them.” He put his hand on Raf’s thigh, below the hem of his boxers, and moved his fingers over his smooth skin.

“Do you want to go back to sleep?” Raf asked.

“No.”

“Good. Me neither.”

He pulled back the sheet and slid onto Justin’s lap, and kissed him. And Justin moved his hands down his sides, and over his hips, remembering what it felt like to be moving inside him. Could they have sex like this? How would it feel, if Raf was the one in control? How long could he last? He was hard already, and Raf’s tongue was in his mouth, and he held onto Raf’s hips, and pulled his body against him-

And then Raf stopped kissing him, and sat up, because Justin’s doorbell was ringing in the apartment.

“Uh… is it Allison?”

Justin shook his head, and Raf climbed off of him, and stood up next to the bed.

“No, she said she’d been working on an order today, so… oh. Oh, no.”

Justin jumped out of the bed and went straight to the intercom panel by the outer door, with Raf following close behind. He pressed one of the buttons.

“Hello?”

“Justin? It’s Mom.”

He yanked his hand away from the panel.

“Oh, my God.”

“Justin? Hey, look at me…”

Raf was there in front of him, pressing down firmly on his shoulders.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“Oh my _God_.”

Raf gave him a sympathetic look, then pressed the button on the panel again.

“Just a minute!”

He took hold of Justin’s hand. “Why don’t you buzz her in, and then we can go get dressed, okay?”

Justin felt like the whole world had tilted under his feet. Last night had been more incredible than he ever could have imagined, and waking up next to Raf had extended the feelings of intimacy and comfort, leaving Justin more vulnerable than he’d ever been in his life.

And now his homophobic mother was downstairs, waiting to come up, while he and Raf stared at each other in their underwear.

“Justin,” Raf said again. “You can do this.”

“I don’t want you to have to hear what’s she’s going to say,” he said.

Raf shook his head. “Don’t worry about me. I can take it.”

“I know you can. But I can’t. I’d never be able to forgive her. And I’d never forgive myself for letting it happen.”

Raf tilted his head to the side. “You want me to go?”

“No.” Justin swallowed. “But you should.”

Raf nodded slowly. “Okay. I’ll go down the block for coffee. I’ll come right back if you need me.”

Justin nodded, and then pressed the button on the panel that would unlock the door downstairs.

He let Raf lead him back to the bedroom, and they dressed in t-shirts and jeans as quickly as they could. Raf fished his keys and his wallet from the pocket of his discarded dress pants, where he’d left them the night before, and then they tried to fix their hair in the mirror. Justin was still smoothing Raf’s fringe away from his face when they heard knocking at the outer door.

“I’ll just say hi, and then go, okay?” Raf said. “Text me if you need _anything._ If things get out of hand… Justin, I don’t care how bad it is, just, please, let me help. Let me be here for you.”

He nodded. “I will.”

They walked back to the living room – Justin shut the bedroom door behind them – and he opened the outer door, and let his mother through.

She was tall and slim, like Justin, and she wore a collared shirt tucked into a pair of dark blue pants. Justin was used to her meticulous grooming habits, but he noticed that a few strands of her silver-blonde hair had come untucked from her low ponytail. She must have left in a hurry, or been distressed when she was getting ready. She didn’t bother trying to hide her shock when she saw Raf standing in Justin’s living room, either. She was off her game.

“I didn’t know you’d have a guest,” she said by way of greeting, in a tone Justin didn’t bother trying to decipher.

“Mom… I told you about Raf. My boyfriend.”

She flinched, like she’d been stung by something.

“Uh… hi, Mrs. Edwards. I was just about to go get some coffee… would you like anything?”

She looked away from him, and fixed her blue-gray eyes on Justin, instead.

“No. I wouldn’t.”

Raf moved toward the door, and took hold of Justin’s arm, and turned him away from his mother. He leaned close to his ear and just barely whispered:

_“Last night was the best night of my life. I miss you already. I’ll come right back, if you need me.”_

And Justin took a breath, and put his hands on Raf’s waist, and kissed him. And then they hugged each other for the space of a breath, and Raf left, closing the door behind him. Justin lingered there, with his thumb on the lock, until he heard it latch from the other side. Raf had his own key.

He almost smiled.

Almost.

He turned around and found his mother sitting on the couch with her face in her hands, and she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

“Justin… how could you let this happen? Who _is_ that person? How did he convince you to-?”

“Stop,” Justin said, cutting her off. “He didn’t _convince_ me of anything. You don’t even know him. You don’t get to judge him. Leave him out of it.”

“Leave him out of it? After that display? It’s eight o’clock in the morning, Justin. What was he doing here? Please tell me you’re not-”

“What? Living in sin?” Justin paused, hearing the venom in his own voice, sounding so much like his father that he couldn’t bear it.

He knew getting angry would accomplish nothing, so he walked away from her and into the kitchen, and filled two glasses with ice and water. Then he went back to the living room, and handed one to her, and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, with his legs tucked underneath him.

“What did you picture for me, when I was younger?” he asked, forcing a neutral tone of voice. “When you used to think about my future, what did you want it to look like?”

She looked surprised by the question. They didn’t usually talk to each other, like this.

“Well, of course, I wanted you to live your life in the service of God. Your father and I did our best to set that example for you.”

He nodded. “I know. And I’ve tried my best, even though it might not seem like it, to you. We just… understand God differently.”

She let out a small laugh, but there was no humor in it. “Allison used to say that, all the time. Back when I could get her to talk to me at all.”

“Mom… Allison is a saint. If you can’t get her to talk to you, it’s time to consider that you and Dad might be the problem.”

He was shocked to see her nodding slowly. “That’s why I’m here. I feel like I’m losing you both. This is not what I wanted, for any of us.”

“So what did you want?”

She smoothed at her hair, and at the sleeve of her shirt.

“I wanted you both to be happy. I wanted to see you both married, and taken care of. I wanted to bring your children to the lake, so it could be like it was, when you were both little…”

Justin nodded. “I want those things, too. That’s what Raf is, to me. Family. A future.”

“But, Justin… that doesn’t make any sense. You’re so talented, and handsome… just because you haven’t met the right girl, yet-”

“I don’t like girls. I _can’t_ like girls.”

“That’s ridiculous. I understand that you have an affliction, and I want to help you-”

“No- Mom, listen…” He ran a hand through his hair. “If you want to have this conversation, you need to understand that I’m gay. I always have been. If God made me, he made me gay. I’m sick of feeling like-” He paused, and tried to swallow, but the tears were inevitable. He felt them falling onto his cheeks, and he took hold of a throw pillow, and squeezed, and forced the words out. “I’m sick of feeling like a mistake! I’m sick of feeling like there’s something wrong with me! Why do you want me to feel like that?”

She looked stricken, and Justin tried to remember the last time he had cried in front of her, like this. Not since elementary school. Maybe even before then. There had been plenty of arguing in his house, growing up – slammed doors, raised voices – and he had cried at night, in his room sometimes, but never in front of his mother.

“You are _not_ a mistake,” she finally said, wiping at her eyes. “I’ve _never_ felt that way. But you have to understand… we wanted to protect you from temptations, like this. We want to _help_ you-”

“You helped me hate myself.”

She finally lost her composure, then. Her face crumpled, and her shoulders started to shake, and Justin wiped at his cheeks with the heel of his hand, and said, “If you keep on telling me there’s something wrong with me, I’ll never forgive you. God might, but I won’t. You’ve always made it clear who you cared about more. And that’s why Ally doesn’t talk to you. That’s why we don’t come home.”

He'd never spoken to her like this, before – he’d never spoken to _anyone_ like this, before – but once he’d started, he found he couldn’t stop. More than a decade’s worth of blame and anger had risen to the surface of his mind, and even though there were tissues on the coffee table, he didn’t reach for them, or offer them to her. He watched her suffering from a distance, like she had been doing, for so many years.

“Justin,” she finally said, pleading. “This is about your _soul_. It’s more important than anything. It’s the only thing that matters.”

“I know it is,” he said, feeling strangely calm, all of a sudden. “I wasn’t even sure I had one, until I met Raf.”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t.” He took a steadying breath. “Being gay… it doesn’t mean what you think it means. It’s the same as any other relationship. It’s just… talking, and being together, and caring about each other. If you really believe people have souls… if you really believe people _are_ souls… then what does it matter what someone’s body looks like? Why should that change anything?”

“Because he spent the night here, Justin.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Because I love him.”

“That’s not love. That’s lust.”

He shrugged. “I guess we understand love differently, too.”

She sniffed, and wiped at her face. “I’m listening. Explain it to me.”

He thought for a minute. How could he put it into terms she’d understand?

“He knows I have OCD. He’s the only person in my life who knows, besides Ally. I had a panic attack at his apartment, once, and… he was there for me. It’s like, he knows all these things about me that I used to think were my biggest flaws. Like, if anyone knew about them, they wouldn’t think I was worth getting to know, or they wouldn’t want to spend any time around me. But he does. He cares about me so much. It’s making me a better person.”

“That sounds like a really nice friendship. So why can’t it just be that?”

“Why didn’t you and Dad just decide to be friends, instead of getting married?”

“You’re not married, Justin.”

“I know. But I want to be. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who understands me like he does. I’m not giving him up. Not ever.”

She was quiet for a long time, and then she said, “So what happens now? He comes back here with coffee, and then what?”

“He’d bring me tea. He knows I don’t drink caffeine.”

She sighed. “That’s not what I was getting at.”

“I know. I’m just trying to tell you… we just do normal stuff. He knows what I like to drink. I know what he likes for breakfast. We eat together, and run together, and watch movies and play video games. We went out to dinner, last night.” He took his phone out of his pocket and tapped into his photo library, and selected the photo their waitress had taken for them the night before. He and Raf were standing in front of one of the light sculptures in the restaurant, with one arm around each other.

He handed the phone to his mother, and she stared at it for a long time.

“Allison told me you were buying clothes for a date,” she finally said. She handed the phone back to him. “You looked so handsome. So grown-up.”

Justin could feel something shifting between them. She didn’t usually compliment him, like this. Some of the things he had said were starting to get through.

“Mom… I know all this is hard to understand. And I’m not asking you to give up on your faith. I think, if you still feel like you have to choose between God and me… well, I don’t think that’s what God really wants.”

She shook her head a little. “I’ve _always_ chosen you, Justin. I’m sorry if it hasn’t felt that way.”

He stared. She’d never apologized to him, before.

She let the silence hang between them for a moment, and then she said, “I think I should go. I’m sure you have things to get back to. I only came because I hadn’t heard from you…” She looked directly at him. “You _have_ to call me back. Whatever else is going on… I need to know that you’re okay.”

“And what about Dad?” He swallowed. “Does he need to know I’m okay?”

“Of course he does. He’s just… hoping for a different path, for you.”

“What are you going to tell him?”

She shook her head. “I honestly don’t know.” She stood up from the couch. “I understand why you think you need to do this, but… you _just_ met this person. I just can’t believe you’re willing to throw everything away for someone you barely know. I know you think you’re in love-”

“I am in love. I know I am.”

She sighed. “I just wish you could believe there was another way. Another choice.”

“I have plenty of choices,” Justin said. “I could choose to lie about who I am, or who I’m supposed to be. I could choose to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life. But I’m not going to. I’m choosing him. And if you want us to have a future as a family… you’re going to have to accept that he’ll be part of it.”

“And what if I can’t accept that?”

“Then I’ll make a new family with people who can.”

She looked away.

“You’re taking your pills on time?”

“Yeah.”

“Getting enough sleep?”

“Yes, Mom.”

She nodded. “I got a notice in the mail about one of your student loans. I forgot to bring it, so… we’ll have to see each other again.”

“Okay.”

She looked at him again. “The Lord be with you, Justin.”

“And with your spirit.”

She left, and Justin stared after her for a moment, and then picked up his phone.

 

Raf: I’m at Starbucks

Raf: I wish you were here, even though I know the smell would give you an instant headache

Raf: I’m sorry this all had to happen this morning

Raf: I know I’m supposed to be all serious and supportive but all I can think about is last night

Raf: And there are lots of inappropriate things I want to say about it

Raf: But mostly I just loved every second, and I feel a little dizzy when I think about it, and I can’t wait to do it again

Raf: And I know everything’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now

Raf: Because we belong together

Raf: I know we do

Raf: So just tell me when you need me, because I’m right here

 

He smiled.

 

Justin: I need you. Come back.

 

* * *

 

Justin drove them both over to Mark and Jack’s house around dinner time. Jessie and Tyler would be there too, and Raf and Justin had volunteered to pick up dinner on their way, since the six of them would be meeting to talk about a mentorship project Mark and Jack were proposing to the Point Foundation. Jack had told them a little bit about a teenager named Cody who needed some help, and Raf and Justin had agreed to dedicate some time to the project over the coming weeks. Justin hadn’t spent any time around teenagers since he’d been in high school himself, and he was anxious at the prospect, but it sounded like Cody’s family was a lot like his own, and if there was any chance he could help spare him from the kind of misery he’d endured as a teenager and young adult, he knew he had to try.

He was preoccupied, though. Raf’s hand was on the back of his neck – Raf’s fingers were in his hair – and he was thinking about something his mother had said to him.

_…You just met this person. I just can’t believe you’re willing to throw everything away for someone you barely know._

He knew he was in love with Raf. He’d known it all along. He’d told his mother so, more than once, and he’d implied as much to Frankie, too. But he hadn’t actually said the words to Raf, yet, and his mother had helped him understand why.

He was afraid that it was too soon.

In the back of his mind, he’d been concerned that it was too early for them to have sex, too. But Raf had been so certain – both of them had wanted it, so much – and Justin knew, now, that it was a way for them to express their closeness without having to hash out every detail of their future. The intimacy between them was real, but parts of it were still undefined, and that had seemed fine, last night, when they’d been holding each other close.

But Justin felt uneasy, now. He felt that they’d missed a step, that they’d left too much unsaid and unfinished, and he wished he could go back, and say the words he wanted to say. He thought about telling Raf right now, but all the what-ifs stopped him. What if it really was too soon? What if Raf wasn’t ready to define all the details of their commitment? What if they weren’t on the same page?

He felt Raf pulling on the neckline of his shirt, exposing his bare shoulder, and the bruise he still had there, from Raf’s mouth. It wasn’t the first time Raf had examined it, that day.

“How’s it look?” Justin asked.

“Pretty. How’s it feel?”

“Good. Kind of warm.”

“I think it would look even prettier if it was right here.” Raf rested his hand on the inside of Justin’s thigh.

“Uhm.” Justin nodded. “I think you’re probably right.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Any other spots you can think of?”

Justin took one hand off the wheel and pointed to the space above his hip bone.

“Oh yeah?” Raf smirked, then lifted up Justin’s shirt, and leaned over, and kissed the spot. Justin exhaled, and gripped the steering wheel.

“Right there?” Raf asked, innocently.

“Uh. A little to the right.”

Raf grinned, and kissed him again.

“There?”

“Down.”

Raf giggled. “Are you messing with me, Edwards?”

“Maybe. Oh. _Oh._ Okay, okay, wait… wait until we get home-”

Raf had been kissing his way down Justin’s hip bone, pulling at the waistband of his jeans. He paused and sat up.

“I’m sorry. Too much?”

“No. Just enough.”

Raf went back to playing with his hair, and Justin took a slow breath, hoping his partial erection would go down in the next couple of minutes, and also wishing it wouldn’t, because Raf was intoxicating, and he was already counting the hours until they could be alone in his bedroom again.

 

* * *

 

 

They ate dinner with Mark, Jack, Jessie, and Tyler at the patio table in the backyard, while Mark and Jack explained more about the program they were proposing to the Foundation. They’d be selecting high school juniors with YouTube channels to design a project and learn more about the different aspects of digital media, including concept development, filming, audio and video editing, graphic design, and whatever else the six of them could come up with.

Raf proposed that they add social media and identity management as topics to cover, and everyone agreed, and Justin felt a swell of pride and affection. It wasn’t hard for him to imagine Raf in a mentorship role. He was confident, and brilliant, and funny, and so, so kind. Justin guessed the kids would probably adore him, and look up to him, too. They hadn’t talked about it at length, but he knew Raf had younger relatives – some cousins, and older cousins’ children – and that he had spent a lot of time with them when he’d still lived in Phoenix. His heart ached for Raf – would he ever see those kids again? Did he miss them?

Did he want children of his own someday? He couldn’t believe he didn’t know. There was still so much they hadn’t talked about.

Justin had entered adulthood assuming that he would eventually get married and have children, mostly because of the culture of the church and the high school he’d come from. But after his failed attempts at dating, he’d become cynical about what he would have to offer as a husband or a father.

But what he’d said to his mother was true. He wanted to feel like he belonged in a family. It was part of why he loved Raf so much. It felt so easy for them to occupy the same space, like they were always working in harmony, like they were each filling a void the other had been living with for far too long. Justin had never understood how powerful it was to have a partner in all the mundane tasks of daily living – making meals, getting dressed in the morning, planning for the weekend. Shopping. Sleeping. And there were so many new aspects of life he got to experience, now, too. Having a shoulder to cry on. Having someone to kiss.

Having someone to make love to.

And even though he still held Raf responsible for bringing out the best in him, he knew he contributed significantly to the happiness they’d found together. For the first time in his life, he felt capable of taking care of someone besides himself. He felt capable of being a partner, and eventually a husband.

And eventually, a father.

Did Raf think he was capable, too? Did he want to walk through those phases of life with Justin by his side? Was it too soon to ask? Was it too soon for either of them to really know?

When the group had finished eating, and Mark had left for his meeting at the Foundation, Justin and Raf did the dishes together in the kitchen, touching arms and elbows while they stood at the sink. Justin could tell Raf was in a playful mood, since he kept looking for opportunities to flick water from the faucet in his direction. And they laughed together, and made a mess of the counter, and Justin eventually pinned Raf against the sink from behind, holding one of his wrists behind his back. And since Jack and Jessie and Tyler had already moved to the back of the house, Raf reached backward for Justin’s hip, and leaned his head back onto Justin’s shoulder, and said,

_“We match up perfectly, see?”_

And he pulled Justin against himself, and Justin understood what he meant. The angle was just right; he could slide himself inside of Raf, standing up, like this, and he closed his eyes, and leaned into Raf’s hold on him, and put his mouth on Raf’s exposed throat. And he felt Raf exhale, and he held Raf’s wrist a little tighter, and he rolled his hips-

 _“Ah-_ ”

And he stopped, and forced himself to breathe, because when Raf made sounds like that, he started losing his grip on reality-

 _“Justin-_ ”

Raf turned to face him, and kissed him, _hard_ , and he knew that they should stop, but he didn’t care, _couldn’t_ care-

 _“Come on,”_ Raf whispered, and he took hold of Justin’s hand, and pulled him into the hallway. And Justin heard Jessie’s laughter at the back of the house, but Raf was leading him further away, toward Jack’s office, and then into the bathroom next door-

 _“Raf- what-?_ ”

 _“Shh- Come here-_ ”

Raf kicked the bathroom door shut behind them, and locked it, and then kissed him again, and Justin couldn’t catch his breath- he’d never be able to calm down, now-

_“Justin- trust me, okay?”_

_“Okay-_ ”

Raf was unbuttoning Justin’s jeans, and then his own, and then he was on his knees, and his hands were inside Justin’s boxers-

 _“Mh-_ ”

And Justin clamped one hand over his own mouth as his cock made contact with the back of Raf’s throat, and he looked down and saw Raf take him deep, and then shallow, and then deep again, holding his hip with one hand, and stroking himself with the other. And he was already ready to fall over the edge, and he thought about holding Raf’s body against himself and penetrating him from behind – feeling that blissful, unbearable pressure – and he braced one hand against the sink and came inside Raf’s mouth.

And then he felt Raf lapping gently at him for a moment, and then Raf was on his feet, and Justin kissed him – it was messy, and hurried – and then he kneeled in front of Raf, and pulled his cock into his mouth. And he could tell Raf was already close from the way he gripped his hair and his shoulder, so he sucked on the tip and stroked at the base, like Raf had shown him how to do-

 _“Oh, God, Justin-_ ”

And then Raf came hard and fast, and the now-familiar taste spread over his tongue, and he poured every ounce of affection he had into pulling Raf through the aftershocks, until Raf’s fingers were caressing his neck and his cheek.

 _“Baby… come on up here…_ ”

Justin got to his feet, and Raf kissed him so sweetly, and then hugged him close, and said, _“Thank you. I wasn’t going to make it home.”_

_“Me neither.”_

_“So this was okay?”_

_“This was amazing.”_

_“Fast is fun sometimes, right?”_

_“Yes.”_

Raf kissed the back of his neck.

_“And we can go slow later… right?”_

_“Yes.”_ Justin nodded. _“As slow as you want.”_

 

* * *

 

 

No one said anything when they re-joined the group – they’d been in the bathroom for less than five minutes – and they sat close together on the couch and joined in for a few rounds of video games. Justin found his attention wandering, though, and he eventually gave up his controller and traced patterns across Raf’s back instead. Jack was spectating too, so he decided to follow the thread of his wandering thoughts. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent Jack a text.

 

 _J_ ustin: Thanks again for this weekend.

Jack: anytime, dude. you guys seem good. how are things?

Justin: We actually slept together last night. Raf said I could tell you.

Jack: slept together? like slept in the same bed? or had sex?

Justin: We had sex.

Jack: that’s good, right? how was it?

 

Justin smiled to himself.

 

Justin: It was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Jack: wow. that’s amazing. happy for you, dude!

Justin: When did you know you were in love with Mark?

Jack: I’ve loved him for as long as I’ve known him, but not the same way I do now. it happened in stages and it changed over time.

Justin: Do you think it’s too early for me to be in love with Raf?

Jack: I’m sure you had plenty of opportunities to fall in love with someone else over the years. if this is the first time it’s felt real, then it’s real. I dunno if I’d start planning your wedding just yet, but you should make sure he knows how you feel.

Justin: Do you think he loves me, too?

Jack: only one way to find out!

Justin: Thanks, Jack.

 

Justin put the phone down, and sat back against the couch, and leaned against the person he loved.

Mark came back shortly after that, bearing good news on two fronts: The Foundation had approved their proposal, and Tyler had been offered the project manager position. This meant that he could move to LA permanently, if he wanted to, and he didn’t bother trying to hide his excitement. He pulled Jessie off of the couch and into a tight embrace, and Raf took hold of Justin’s arm and leaned against him. Justin smiled, and pressed a kiss against Raf’s temple. He felt happy for Jessie and Tyler, too, but he loved the way Raf wore his empathy on his sleeve, like he felt so strongly and so much, he couldn’t keep it in.

They stayed for a while longer to celebrate, and then said their goodbyes and made their way back to the driveway to climb into Justin’s car. It was after nine, and they were both yawning already, but Justin didn’t take his keys out of his pocket.

“I’m so happy for them,” Raf was saying. “Did you see Jessie’s face? And Tyler’s? I thought he seemed sort of serious, before, but-”

“Raf?”

“Yeah?”

Justin turned to him, and swallowed, and said,

“I love you.”

Raf stared at him, wide-eyed, so he added, “…And I’m sorry. The only thing I regret about last night is that I didn’t tell you, first.”

A smile was spreading slowly across Raf’s face.

“You did tell me.”

“Huh?”

“I mean… you _showed_ me.”

Raf reached into his pocket and pulled out his keyring. He touched the keys and the charm Justin had given him, and then he started removing another pair of keys from the larger ring.

“People think loving someone is about saying the words. But it isn’t. It’s about all the things you do to prove it. Do you really think I would’ve slept with you, if I didn’t know you loved me?”

He finished removing the pair of silver keys, and handed them to Justin.

“For my apartment. I had them made days ago. I was trying to figure out when I should give them to you, but… you beat me to it.” He put his fingers under Justin’s chin, and looked in his eyes. “I love you, too.”

And then they kissed each other slowly, and pressed their foreheads together, and Justin said,

_“Can you say it again?”_

And Raf smiled, and said,

_“I love you, Justin. I love you so, so much.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

_“Baby?”_

_“Uh huh?”_

_“Can we go back to your place?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay. Good. I want to see the lights again.”_


	17. Chapter 17

Justin kept his arm secured around Raf’s waist while they rode the elevator up to his apartment, trying to concentrate on what he was going to say to him once they were inside, and hoping that he wouldn’t lose his nerve. The pressure of Raf’s hand between his shoulder blades was helping. He found himself wishing it would spread. He wanted Raf’s touch to be the only thing he could feel.

He still had his keys in his hand, but Raf stepped forward when they got to his door, and unlocked it with the set Justin had given him. They walked to the bedroom hand-in-hand, and Raf closed the door behind them, and then plugged in the strands of lights that were still decorating Justin’s room. He took his phone out of his pocket and tapped at the screen, and music started playing softly from the speaker on Justin’s desk.

“Dance with me?” Raf said, stepping close to him, and Justin nodded, and put his hands on Raf’s waist, while Raf slid his arms around his shoulders.

Justin had never danced with anyone his own height before – it had been years since he’d danced with anyone, at all – but he and Raf held each other like this all the time, and it was easy to fall into a simple sway.

“I wanted to do this last night,” Raf said, his face so close. “When we were all dressed up. I guess we got distracted.”

“We can get dressed up again. Anytime you want.”

Raf moved even closer to him, and pressed their foreheads together, and Justin closed his eyes and let himself be moved, by Raf, and by the music.

 

 _And I'm following lightning_  
I'll recover if you keep me alive  
Don't leave me behind  
Can you see me? I'm shining  
And it's you that I've been waiting to find

 

Raf kissed his cheek. “Any other secret romantic fantasies I should know about?”

“Don’t you want to be surprised?”

Raf looked at him for a moment, then nodded. “Yes. I do.”

“This is one of them, though. I’ve wanted to dance with you since… I’m not sure when. Surfing, maybe. I remember thinking you moved like you were dancing, and then I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

“Want to know a secret?”

“Yeah.”

“I was trying to make you fall in love with me.”

“I was, already. That was probably the first day I knew.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. In your bathroom. On the floor. When you were there for me, like that… I knew I’d do anything to try to deserve you.”

Raf nodded. “That’s what I was doing, too. Trying to deserve you.”

“You deserve everything. Everything I have.” Justin swallowed. “I want to do what you did, last night. I want you to feel what I felt.”

Raf stopped swaying, and stared at him, and said, “Oh.” And then he recovered a little, and put one hand on Justin’s cheek, and said, “Justin… are you really, really sure?”

Justin nodded. “I am. If you can be patient, like before… I can do it. I know I can.”

Raf stroked his cheek with his thumb. “You know last night was perfect, right? I don’t need anything else from you. If we could have that, every day, forever… it would be everything I’ve ever wanted. I need you to know that.”

Justin’s heart leaped. _Forever._

“I do know. But when we were together, last night… it was like you were giving me this gift. I had no idea that I could ever feel the way you made me feel. I just want to give it back to you. So if you want me, like that… that’s what I want.”

Raf hugged him close, and kissed the back of his neck. _“I do want you. I want you so much. Can we wait, though? I want to make it special for you, like you did for me.”_

Justin smiled. _“Okay. I can be patient.”_

Raf mouthed at his ear. _“That’s good. I can’t.”_

 _“Uh… uh huh… I noticed...”_ Justin raised his arms over his head while Raf pulled off his shirt, and then watched as he removed his own. Then Raf moved Justin’s left arm back over his head and kissed him there, from his elbow to the space just above his armpit. He looked in Justin’s eyes and lapped at the sensitive skin there, and Justin was wholly unprepared for how erotic the gesture would be, and he shivered, and felt himself going rigid inside his jeans.

_“Feels good, baby?”_

Justin nodded, and Raf lapped at him again, and then kissed, licked, and nosed his way down the sensitive skin at the edge of Justin’s underarm.

 _“You taste good all over,”_ he said. _“I could lick you all day.”_

Justin shivered again. He loved it when Raf talked to him like this. It didn’t come as naturally to him, but he was giving it his best effort.

_“I love it when you pull me against you. Like earlier.”_

Raf grinned at him, then turned around and pulled Justin’s arms around his chest and stomach. He reached back for Justin’s hip and pulled his body against himself, and Justin exhaled, and ran his hands over Raf’s bare skin, and over the bulge in his jeans-

 _“Can we try it like this?”_ Raf’s head was leaning back, onto his shoulder. His mouth was close to his ear.

_“Uh… standing up?”_

_“Side by side?”_

_“Oh… okay… but, I don’t know how…”_

_“Me neither. We’ll figure it out.”_

Raf kissed the side of his face, and pulled his hands to the front of his jeans, and Justin unbuttoned them, and unzipped them, and felt Raf’s rigid cock pulse through his boxers. And he squeezed – _“Mh-”_ – and Raf pressed backward against him, and Justin kissed his mouth, and practiced rolling his hips. And the pressure on his cock made his head spin, so he pressed his palm against Raf’s belly and held him even tighter against himself-

 _“Okay- bed- now-”_ Raf managed, breathing shallow, close to his ear, so Justin pushed his jeans and boxers down, and Raf turned around and undid his jeans, too, and they kicked off the rest of their clothes while they stumbled to the bed. Raf went down on his back, with Justin partially on top of him, and they kissed each other in slow, exaggerated movements, while Justin pressed the heel of his hand against Raf’s opening-

_“Justin?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Finger stage. Level two.”_

Justin laughed, and covered Raf’s face and neck and chest in kisses, and fingered him until his chin tipped back and his cheeks burned red-

_“Okay- okay- God, you’re getting good at that-”_

_“I like making you feel good.”_

_“I’m gonna come if you don’t stop-”_

_“You can, it’s okay-”_

_“No, not yet- Together-”_

Justin kissed his lips, and pulled his fingers out, and Raf grinned at him, and then turned onto his stomach in a movement so graceful, Justin lost his sense of perspective for a moment.

_How is this real? What did I do to deserve him?_

“Maybe we can start like this, and then… adjust?” Raf said, and Justin nodded, and hugged him with one arm, and kissed his shoulder.

“Make sure I can hear you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t. You’ll be perfect.”

Justin sat up, and surveyed the length of Raf’s body, and scrolled through his limited mental library of sex positions, trying to figure out where his legs were supposed to go. Missionary had been comfortingly straightforward, though he knew from his research that it wasn’t necessarily the most comfortable position for the person on the receiving end. Raf’s current position was much more ideal, and even though Justin wished Raf were facing him, getting inside without causing him any harm was his top priority.

He put lube and a couple of condoms within arm’s reach, and then positioned his knees on either side of Raf’s thighs. Then he put his hands on Raf’s lower back and _pressed_ , and Raf groaned happily, and reached backward, and brushed Justin’s arm with his fingertips.

“Feels good, baby.”

He went on massaging Raf’s back with the heel of his right hand, and used his left thumb to rub circles around Raf’s opening, and he was leaking precum onto one of Raf’s cheeks, because it was almost unbearably erotic, knowing that he was the reason Raf was grinding himself against the bed. And eventually Raf lifted his hips a little, and Justin watched the subtle ripple of muscle along his back as he moved, and he rolled a condom onto himself, and held onto Raf’s hip, and _pressed_ until his head slid past the tight ring of muscle-

_“Ah-”_

_“Oh-”_

And then he paused – _Stay still stay still stay still_ – while Raf’s shallow breathing changed the pattern of his ribs beneath his skin, and he massaged Raf’s hip, and wished the pain away-

_“Raf?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“You’re beautiful.”_

Raf gave him a thumbs-up, and thumbs-up meant _move_ , so Justin rocked his hips forward until he ran out of room-

 _“Ah- hah- and you’re- fucking- huge-”_ Raf said, and then he giggled, and Justin did, too, and he bent over Raf’s shoulders and covered them in kisses while they laughed together. And then he felt Raf grind back against him, and he was wholly unprepared – Raf hadn’t had much leverage, the first time they’d done this – and he pressed his forehead against the back of Raf’s neck and said,

_“Oh- fucking- fuck-”_

And Raf moaned, and said, _“That’s right, talk to me-”_

And Justin pressed his face against Raf’s hair, and breathed in the smell of him, and rolled his hips, and said,

_“Oh- God-”_

_“Again-”_

_“Ah-”_

_“Again-”_

_“Oh- fuck-”_

_“Justin?”_

_“Mh-”_

_“Can we move? I want to kiss you-”_

_“Uh huh-”_

Justin paused, then braced his right forearm next to Raf’s head, and looped his left arm around Raf’s belly. He tightened his hold until he could tell that Raf was still and stable against him-

_“Ready-?”_

_“Yeah-”_

And then he rolled them both into a spooning position that was comfortingly familiar, but also new, because he was still buried to the hilt inside Raf, and the pressure on all sides was making it hard for him to think. Raf spared him any decision-making, though; he turned his head and shoulders in Justin’s direction, and Justin shifted to meet him, and they kissed each other with building intensity – Justin’s hand cradling Raf’s head, Raf’s fingertips digging into his forearm – and when Justin started moving again, he felt Raf’s whole body responding, felt the heat and closeness between them from the inside out-

_“Justin-”_

_“Uh- uh huh-?”_

_“I love you-”_

_“I love you too-”_

And they went on kissing each other between shallow breaths, and Justin rolled his hips over and over, struggling at first with the unfamiliar angle, then settling into a more confident stride as Raf rocked backward against him-

_“Baby-”_

_“Mh-”_

_“Faster-”_

And Justin slid his hand down Raf’s stomach, and then grasped his hip, and held him still, and thrusted. And Raf moaned against his mouth, so he put his lips on Raf’s neck, instead, and he tried to concentrate on kissing Raf’s burning skin, because he already felt like a bottle of champagne, shaken up and ready to burst-

_“Justin- baby- just like that-”_

He could feel the tension mounting in Raf’s posture, and he could hear it in the lovely strain in Raf’s voice, and he watched Raf stroking himself and felt a renewed wave of pleasure and pressure-

_“Fuck- Raf- I’m gonna-”_

_“It’s okay baby come on-”_

He couldn’t wait – he was already breaking – so he slid his arm around Raf’s belly, and held Raf’s body tight against himself, and came with his face pressed against Raf’s cheek. And he heard Raf gasping through the headrush, and he was still riding out the waves when Raf turned over, and slid one leg over his hip, and hugged him close. And he was high, and floating, and he watched the lights on the ceiling while Raf’s lips and tongue traveled from his ear to his shoulder and back again.

He took it all in in stages: the way Raf’s hair felt as it brushed against his cheek; the way Raf’s leg was draped over him, like it was meant to fit into the space above his hip; the way he could feel Raf’s belly contracting, still slick and warm…

He slid down the length of Raf’s body, kissing his chest, then lapped at his stomach, looking up to see the expression on his face, finding that his usual look of arousal and affection had been replaced with utter devotion. The kind of expression Justin had dreamed of seeing on someone else’s face, ever since he was young. And he licked Raf clean, and mouthed his cock with careful precision. And he smiled when Raf slid down to join him, and pulled the sheets over both of their heads, and kissed him so slow, he saw stars all over again.

 

* * *

 

He woke up with his alarm the next morning, and found himself alone in bed. He frowned. This had never happened before. He and Raf both needed to work today, but they’d decided that an 8:00 AM wakeup call would be plenty early enough.

He sat up, blinking the sleep from his eyes, and pulled his pills out of his night stand drawer. He’d decided to keep them there, from now on, so he wouldn’t have to disturb Raf to take them. He swallowed one dry, and then opened a protein bar, and took a bite, trying to reassure himself. Raf was probably just in the bathroom, or getting a glass of water. He’d probably be back by the time Justin finished eating.

So Justin took his time, chewing and swallowing mechanically, trying to ignore the fake-chocolate taste of the bar. He’d grown sick of the flavor a long time ago. It didn’t bother him when he was half-asleep and getting ready to go back to bed, but he was wide awake now, and hating the way the chewy pseudo-food was coating the inside of his mouth. He needed a drink of water.

He finished the bar, threw away the wrapper, and then went to find some boxers. He found some in a heap at the end of the bed, and pulled them on, and realized they were Raf’s – they were short, barely covering a full inch of his thigh – but he didn’t want to take the time to change them, and he figured Raf wouldn’t mind, anyway.

He made his way to the living room and found Raf sitting cross-legged on the couch with his laptop.

“Hey,” he said, and then he stopped, and stared, because Raf was wiping at his face, and sniffling, and… _crying._

He was kneeling next to Raf in an instant, examining his face, his heart pounding with distress and concern.

“Babe?” He’d never used the nickname before, but it came naturally, like he’d been using it all along.

“Justin,” Raf said, and then his face crumpled, and he let out a small sob, and he said, “You look… really fucking sexy… in my shorts.”

And Justin hugged him while he sobbed a little more, and he took the laptop out of his hands, and glanced at the screen while he set it aside. The browser was open to the American Airlines homepage. Was Raf supposed to fly somewhere?

He didn’t ask. He just held Raf while he cried, and kissed his forehead, and his hair, and his cheek. And eventually Raf started to calm, and he rested his chin on Justin’s shoulder, and said,

“I already had tickets booked. For Thanksgiving. For home. And… today’s the deadline for canceling the reservation.” He sniffed. “I know I should’ve told you. I thought I was okay… and I didn’t want anything to take away from last night…”

Justin sighed, and held him tighter. “Nothing will _ever_ take away from last night.”

Raf sat back a little bit, and looked at him, and Justin brushed his cheek with his thumb.

“Is this like before?” Justin asked. “When you didn’t call me back? When you tried to get me to stay away?”

Raf winced, and then nodded.

“Yeah. But not like you think. I just… I didn’t want you to see me all gross and sad. I want you to be happy, when you’re with me. I don’t want you to have to think about this _feeling_ I can’t get rid of- _”_

“Hey.” Justin cradled his cheek, and shook his head. “I want all of this. Even the gross, sad parts. _Especially_ the gross, sad parts. I want to be the one you can trust. I _love_ you, Raf.”

Another tear splashed onto Raf’s cheek.

“My parents used to love me, too.”

Justin knew what he meant. _They left me. So could you._

“I know I can’t convince you all at once,” he said softly. “But I’m going to take care of you.” He hesitated, and then said, “For as long as you want me to. For as long as you’ll let me.”

Raf swallowed, and then nodded, and said, “I’m sorry. I do trust you. I just wanted everything to be perfect, for you.”

“I know. It is.”

Raf sighed. “I should just cancel the tickets. I need to get it over with.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ve thought about it a lot. Even if things change… I’m not going to be ready to go back anytime soon. And definitely not for a holiday.”

“You want to spend it with me, instead?”

Raf’s expression brightened a little. “I’d love to.” He kissed Justin’s cheek, and then picked up his computer. He logged into his account, clicked into the only existing reservation, and cancelled it.

Justin put a hand on his back. “What can I do for you?”

“Let me buy you more shorts like that, and wear them every day, forever.”

Justin laughed. “Are you serious?”

Raf flashed him a grin. “Completely serious.”

“Okay. You got it. I’ll wear anything you want.”

“Anything?”

“Yeah.”

“Literally anything?”

“…Yeah.”

“Huh.” Raf giggled. “Noted.”

Justin pushed Raf’s hair back from his forehead. “Anything else?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Come meet my friends today.”

“Really?” Justin smiled. “Yeah. Of course.”

It had been lingering at the back of his mind – the fact that he hadn’t met Raf’s friends, yet – but neither of them had been putting it off intentionally. They’d been so wrapped up in each other, and everything else going on in their personal lives, they just hadn’t made a concrete plan for it.

“Dinner, maybe?” Raf said. “My place? Takeout?”

“Yeah. Or… we could make something. Together.”

Raf grinned. “Yeah. That’d be great.” His smile faded a little. “Uh… I think we should talk, first, though.”

“Okay… what’s up?”

“Well… my friends are all… gay.”

Justin laughed. “I know.”

“No, I mean… well, Oliver is a lot like me, I know you guys will get along, but… a couple of the other guys are, like… gayer.”

“Than who? Than you?”

“Uh… yeah. And… you.”

Justin opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.

“Are you worried I won’t like your friends because they’re too _gay_?”

Raf put his hands on his cheeks. “It sounds ridiculous, when you say it like that.”

“It _is_ ridiculous. I would never…”

He stopped. His evolution in this area had begun a lot more recently than he liked to admit to himself, and he knew it was still a work in progress. Raf, Mark, and Jack were the only queer people he’d spent any quality time with, and he was learning that the LGBTQ+ community was incredibly diverse. Raf’s apprehension was justified.

“I won’t let you down,” he said. “I promise.”

“Oh, Justin… that’s not what I meant. This is coming out all wrong.”

Justin shook his head. “It’s okay. You’re right. I haven’t exactly had a lot of… diversity… in my social life. I’ll do my best, okay? It’ll be great.”

Raf hugged him, and held on tight for a long time.

“I wish I didn’t have to go home to work today.”

Justin pressed a kiss into his hair. “I’ll come keep you company, if you help me pack up my stuff.”

Raf sat back to look at him. “Really?”

“Yeah. I can set up at the kitchen table.”

“Are you sure it’s worth it? We’ll both be busy all day, anyway…”

“Of _course_ , it’s worth it.”

Raf sighed. “I really love you.” His lower lip trembled a bit. “But I might cry a little more.”

Justin nodded. “Want to cry in the shower with me?”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay.” Justin stood up, and held out his hand. “Come on.”

 

* * *

 

“Raf? Do you think this needs salt?”

“Uh… no. Sugar. Just a little bit.”

“Huh. Okay. You should do it, I’ll just ruin it-”

“No! It’s awesome! You did great-”

“Okay… so, like, a teaspoon?”

“Yeah, try that-”

The doorbell sounded in Raf’s apartment, and Justin stopped stirring, and looked down at his outfit for the hundredth time since Raf had picked it out for him.

“Are you sure this looks okay?”

Raf put his hands on Justin’s shoulders. “Baby. You are _literally_ the most attractive person I’ve ever seen in real life. You have nothing to worry about. They’re going to love you.”

“But… what if I say something stupid?”

Raf shook his head. “You won’t be worried about that once you meet them. They’re crazy. And they’ve all been through something like what you’re going through. It’ll be okay.”

Justin took a breath, resisting the urge to run to the bathroom and check his clothes for wrinkles. His anxiousness had reached an unexpected peak, and Raf was looking at him with concern, which was only making it worse.

“Justin.”

“Huh?”

“Close your eyes.”

He did, and he let Raf hug him close.

“Deep breath, now. Ready?”

He nodded, and he felt Raf’s chest move against his own, and he tried to match his breathing.

“I was thinking I could get lights for my ceiling, too.” Raf said. “Would you like that?”

“Yeah.”

“You can help me hang them up. We’ll do it together. Can you picture it?”

Justin thought about stringing lights across the ceiling in Raf’s bedroom, and laying down with him under the sheets, and falling asleep inside the amber glow, with Raf’s head tucked under his chin…

Raf kissed his cheek.

“Better?”

Justin nodded. “Better.”

He went back to stirring the sauce on the stove while Raf hit the button on the panel by the door and waited for his friends to come up the elevator. Justin heard voices and footsteps in the hallway a couple minutes later, and he watched from the kitchen as Raf opened the door and let four guys step inside. They were all wearing variations of close-fitting pants, but they were diverse in appearance in every other way, from the colors and prints of their shirts to their array of hairstyles. The leader of the group was sandy-haired and scruffy, and he pulled Raf into a close hug as soon as he stepped into the living room. Justin guessed this was probably Oliver, Raf’s closest friend, and the only one in the group who knew the extent of what was happening with his family.

He realized that staring at the four newcomers from across the room wasn’t going to score him any points, so he turned the heat down on the stove and made his way over to the group. The scruffy guy smiled at him and extended his hand, since Raf was busy greeting his other friends, and Justin shook it, trying his best to keep his breathing under control.

“Justin, right? I’m Oliver.”

“Hey, man. It’s nice to meet you. Raf talks about you all the time.”

“Ditto,” Oliver said, giving him a not-so-subtle once-over. “We’ve been dying to meet you.”

“Oh my _Lord_ ,” one of the other guys said, looking Justin over from head to toe, his tight-fitting clothes exaggerating his slight stature. 

“Charlie,” Raf said in a warning tone, but the guy made a shooing motion with one hand and took a step in Justin’s direction.

“You’re gonna need to give me a minute, honey, because you are just a thing of beauty.”

Justin felt himself start to blush. Raf caught his eye and mouthed _I’m sorry,_ looking mortified _._

“Uh… thank you,” Justin said, because he couldn’t think of another response, and Charlie clasped his hands close to his face in a swooning gesture.

“Such a gentleman! We’ve been so curious about you. Raf doesn’t kiss and tell. Actually, Raf doesn’t usually kiss-”

“I’ve told you everything that’s any of your business,” Raf said, cutting him off.

“Yeah, and you conveniently left out the fact that your boyfriend could probably bench-press me and Lex without breaking a sweat.”

“Ugh, Charlie, can you be extra without dragging me into it?” One of the other guys stepped forward and held out his hand, and Justin shook it, grateful to get back to a more familiar script. “It’s nice to meet you,” the guy said. “I’m Lex.”

He and Charlie were about the same height – somewhere around 5’8, Justin guessed – though Lex had a bulkier build, and a full beard, where Charlie was clean-shaven.

“You too,” Justin said, taking in Lex’s curly hair, and the colorful tattoos on his forearms.

“I’ll give you some advice,” the fourth guy said, stepping forward and offering his hand to Justin. He was tall and tanned, and his hair was gathered into a bun at the back of his head. “Assume everything Charlie says is a compliment, no matter how offensive it might seem.”

“Bitch! Who’s offensive?”

The guy smiled. “I’m Wes. Did you know your eyes are a very particular shade of blue?”

“Uh… hey! I’m Justin.”

“Oh, we know your name, honey,” Charlie said, taking hold of Wes’s arm. “Tell us something else.”

“Uh… okay,” Justin said, flexing his fingers. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, Raf was basically a big giant virgin until five minutes ago, so-”

“Wow! Okay! I think we should eat some fucking food!” Raf said. He’d appeared at Justin’s side and put a hand on his back. “Kitchen! Now, please!”

Charlie smirked, and Wes and Lex steered him toward the kitchen. Oliver hung back and gave Justin and Raf a wide-eyed look.

“I told them to behave, but you know they never listen to me.”

“Yeah, me neither, apparently,” Raf said, looking a little rattled.

“Charlie really does mean well,” Oliver told Justin, and then he made a face. “Most of the time.”

“It’s fine,” Justin said. “Really.”

He was hoping to make a good impression with all of Raf’s friends, but especially Oliver. He had been Raf’s closest friend since college, which Justin found both intimidating and intriguing. Oliver was a few inches shorter than Raf, and aside from the facial hair and green eyes, they were similarly built, which made sense, since they had run track together at school. He was a good-looking guy, and even though Raf and Justin had been over their respective dating histories, and Raf hadn’t mentioned any kind of more-then-friends connection between himself and Oliver, it was difficult not to be jealous of their shared experiences and their bond.

He was a little jealous of all the guys, actually. Raf had known Lex since college, too, and he’d become friends with Wes and Charlie shortly after that. Wes was a yoga instructor, and Raf and Charlie had taken one of his classes at the same time, a couple years back. Charlie had flirted with Raf relentlessly at first, but Raf had quickly discovered that he acted that way with pretty much everyone he knew, and even though Raf was uncomfortable with the flirtation at first, Charlie turned out to be a thoughtful friend. He had understood what gay life was like in LA when Raf was still relatively new to the area, and he’d helped Raf find a place in it.

Wes was the only one in the group who’d made an explicit pass at Raf, but they had decided on friendship rather than romance about five minutes into their first coffee date. Raf said that Wes was kind and exceptionally intelligent, but quirky, and he didn’t date monogamously. Justin wondered whether Raf would’ve been interested in a serious relationship if it had been an option, but Raf had reassured him that he and Wes were better off as friends. They’d never even kissed, in all the time they’d known each other, and Justin had vowed not to let his discomfort get in the way of making a good impression on some of the most important people in Raf’s life.

“Raf, honey,” Charlie called from the kitchen. “We’ve got six gays and four chairs, so unless you’re gonna let me sit in Justin’s lap-”

“Nope!” Raf called back, giving Justin an exasperated look. “Just drag a couple chairs in here!”

Justin kissed his cheek. “I’ll go do that.” He went to the kitchen and took the chair Charlie was holding, and carried it out to the living room area.

“I think we should let Justin have dominion over his own lap,” Wes told Charlie, as he followed Justin with a second chair. “At least until he gets to know us better.” He gave Justin a serene smile, and Justin tried to return it.

“Well, let’s get a move on, then,” Charlie said, while Raf started portioning food onto six plates. “You’re kinda famous, we’ve all seen you on YouTube, much hotter in person, blah blah… so you’re into video games, and stuff?”

“Uh… yeah, when I can find the time.”

“We stopped playing with Raf a long time ago,” Lex said. “He always wins. It’s no fun.”

Justin smiled. “He usually beats me, too. I don’t mind, though.”

“We’re an even split, and you know it,” Raf said, pouring sauce over pasta and vegetables. “He’s just being nice.”

Justin shrugged. “I guess I’m biased.”

“I’ll give you something pretty if you show us how to beat him,” Charlie said.

Justin held up his hands. “No guarantees. He’s a worthy opponent.”

“Uhhh huh. We’ve all been wondering what Raf is like in a struggle.” Charlie leaned a little closer to him, and lowered his voice. “So what’s he like? In a struggle?”

“Hey! Charlie!” Raf said, his tone chipper with an edge of warning. “Take some drinks over to the coffee table for me!”

Charlie rolled his eyes at Justin and complied with Raf’s request.

“You don’t need to be embarrassed,” Wes told Justin. “Your body was designed for physical affection, and I’d guess that Raf is a superlative partner. I’m sure your union is stunning.”

Justin resisted the urge to laugh. It was, by far, the strangest compliment he’d ever received.

“Thanks.”

“Hold your arms out like this,” Wes said, and he spread his arms straight out on either side of his chest. Justin humored him, and copied him as he moved them upward until they were vertical above his head.

“You look very strong,” Wes said, “but I think you could improve your range of motion. Have you tried yoga?”

“Uh… I haven’t. And, yeah. You’re right. I probably focus on strength too much at the gym.”

Wes nodded. “Balance is always something to strive for.” He was looking Justin over with his pale, gray eyes. “You carry your tension in your shoulders.” He hesitated, and then said, “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I’m sorry. Is it getting better?”

Justin blinked, and then said, “Yeah. It is.”

Raf finished plating and went to Justin’s side. He put a tentative hand on his arm.

“Hey… ready to eat?”

“Yeah. It looks great.”

Raf smiled. “Thanks to you.”

They sat side-by-side in the kitchen chairs while the rest of the guys piled onto Raf’s couch, and they all started showering Justin with compliments as soon as they tasted the food. He tried to clarify that he and Raf had made the meal together, but it didn’t matter. He could tell they were all eager for an excuse to say nice things to him, and he appreciated it. In fact, he was enjoying it quite a bit. He had been apprehensive about being the center of attention all night, but now that it was happening, he was enjoying the banter, and the varied personalities, and the undercurrent of lightness and goodwill between the six of them.

“So,” Charlie announced, when there was a lull in conversation. He was looking at Raf. “The sex better be _amazing_ , sweetness. We’ve barely heard from you. I almost called the police when your Facebook page went down.”

“Like you need an excuse to call the police,” Oliver teased.

Charlie batted his eyelashes at him. “Men in uniform, honey, you know how it is.”

“Really, though,” Lex said, looking at Raf. “Did you get into it with some hate group, or something? I saw a couple crazy comments on your page before you disappeared.”

Raf finished the bite of food he’d been chewing, and then put his plate down on the coffee table.

“Um… I have some things to tell you guys,” he said, and they all looked appropriately attentive. “I came out to my parents after the livestream.”

They all nodded.

“We thought you might have,” Lex said. “When I saw your relationship status go up… I figured your family must have found out.”

“Raf,” Wes prompted. His voice was gentle. “Tell us what happened?”

Raf looked at Justin, and Justin slid an arm around his waist, and then Raf told them the story. He made it to the end without breaking down, but Wes, Charlie, and Lex didn’t; they were all wiping at their eyes by the time he’d finished talking. Charlie actually let out an audible sob, and Wes put an arm around him, and kissed the top of his head. Justin guessed that their reactions went beyond concern for their friend. He wondered what each of them had been through with their own families, and what life had been like for them, growing up. He wondered what the seniors on the lacrosse team at his high school would have done to someone like Charlie.

Lex stood up from the couch and walked over to Raf, and Raf stood up, too, and they hugged each other. Lex’s face was set, like he was having a hard time keeping his composure, and when he finally spoke, he said, “I’ll get started on the dishes.”

And Raf nodded, and let him go, and Justin wasn’t sure how long he could swallow the swell of sadness he felt, either, so he stood up, and kissed the side of Raf’s face, and then helped Lex gather up the plates. It seemed like Raf could use some space to talk to his friends, so Justin helped Lex bring the dishes to the sink, and he started rounding up knives and measuring cups and pans while Lex started rinsing and loading the dishwasher.

“He didn’t tell me at first, either,” Justin said, when he couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

Lex nodded. He was starting to look a little more composed, though his beard obscured his expression a bit.

“He retreats, sometimes, when he’s going through something. He doesn’t like bringing other people down. Doesn’t matter how many times we tell him…” He shook his head. “He’s been there for all of us, you know? I just wish he would let us return the favor.”

“He is,” Justin said. “I mean, he’s trying to.”

Lex loaded a couple of plates into the dishwasher.

“So how’d you get him talking?”

“I showed up here and waited on the sidewalk until he let me up. And then…”

Lex raised his eyebrows. “What? You swept him off his feet?”

“Uh. I think I was the one that got swept.”

He nodded. “He told me you started coming out pretty recently.”

“Yeah. After we started seeing each other. I wasn’t… I didn’t know, before.”

Lex paused, holding a plate under the faucet, and looked at him.

“You didn’t know you were queer before you met Raf?”

“No.”

“You dated girls before?”

“Uh. Barely. Very unsuccessfully.”

“That’s a lot to take on, all at once. How’s it going?”

“It’s awesome, honestly. Being with Raf is like…”

“Like what?”

Justin swallowed. He knew Raf had been purposely vague about the details of their relationship with his friends. He wanted to give Justin the chance to share information in his own way, whenever he was ready. But Justin had permission to share anything he wanted to, and even though he felt relieved that he could maintain some privacy, he wanted Raf’s friends to be sure of how he felt.

“It’s like, if you were in the dark for your whole life, and then one day, the sun came up,” he said. “Raf is the most special person I’ve ever met.”

“Huh.” Lex nodded. “You know, I think we were all a little worried you might not be aware of that. The fact that he’s a masterpiece of a person, I mean.”

“I am. Believe me.”

Lex blinked at him, then went back to rinsing the dish he was still holding.

“So how’s your family handling everything?”

“I don’t think my sister was that surprised, and she loves Raf. My parents are probably still deciding if they’re ever going to talk to me again, but… I’m pretty much okay with that.”

“Wow. I wish I’d felt that way when I first started coming out.”

“When did you know you were gay?”

“I’m pan, actually.” Justin blinked, and Lex clarified. “Pansexual.”

“Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t know…”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind being under the big gay umbrella.” He smiled.

“Did your family have a hard time with it?”

Lex finished rinsing the last of the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Then he met Justin’s eye, and said, “I never bothered telling them I was pan. I came out as trans, first, and… yeah. They had a hard time with it.”

Justin had to replay that last bit a couple of times before it registered.

“Oh… Raf didn’t tell me…”

Lex nodded. “He’s awesome like that. I wasn’t sure if I would either, but…” He shrugged. “Raf seems to think you’re worth the risk.”

“I really want to be.”

Charlie walked up to them, his eyes still rimmed with red. He gave Lex a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and then he turned to Justin, and hesitated for a second, and then hugged him, too.

“Thanks for being there for him,” he said, his tone serious for the first time that night. Justin ignored the minor discomfort of unexpected physical contact, and gave him a small squeeze.

“Yeah. Of course.”

Charlie took a step back, and said, “We were thinking of opening the wine Oliver brought. That okay with you, Lex?”

“Yup. Seems appropriate.”

“Want a glass, Justin?”

“No. Thank you, though.”

Charlie pulled four glasses from a cabinet and brought them back to the living room, leaving Justin and Lex alone again.

“You don’t drink?” Justin asked.

“Nope.”

“Me neither.”

“Oh yeah?” Lex looked him over. “Mormon? Recovering addict? Heavily medicated?”

“Uh… not so heavily.” Justin hesitated. “I have OCD.”

Lex nodded. “Prozac?”

“Not anymore. Anafranil.”

Lex raised his hand.

“Zoloft.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh.”

“OCD?”

“Nah. Just regular old depression.”

He took two glasses out of a cabinet, filled them with water from the fridge, and handed one to Justin. He raised his glass. “To medications, and the people who make them worth taking.”

Justin smiled. “Cheers.”

“What are we celebrating?” Raf walked up to them, looking a bit more settled.

“You,” Justin said honestly.

“And all the unexpected things we have in common,” Lex said.

Raf put a hand on Justin’s back. “I knew you guys would get along.”

“I’m sorry I bailed,” Lex told him. “I just needed a minute to get my shit together.”

“It’s okay. I knew it was going to be hard for you to hear.”

“I’m alright. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

Raf nodded. “I know. Right now I need to lighten the mood a little bit.” He pressed his hand against Justin’s lower back. “Play some games with me?”

 

* * *

 

 

“I can feel you breathing down my neck, Edwards.”

Charlie snickered. “You can breathe down my neck whenever you want, honey.”

“No worries, Silva, you’ve got a solid lead.”

“I can see myself on your screen!”

Justin laughed, and blew past Raf with a boost, taking first place, while Raf’s friends whistled and cheered.

“I KNEW IT!”

Raf jabbed an elbow at him – they were on the couch now, between Lex and Charlie – but Justin dodged it, and hit an accelerator just before a straightaway-

“Nope- Nope- No, you don’t-”

Raf socked him with a turtle shell, but then wiped out on a banana peel-

“Karma, Silva, what do I keep telling you?”

“Oh, we both know you’d shove me off the edge of the map if you could-”

“I would not!”

“RAINBOW ROAD. EVERY TIME.”

“THE MAP IS JUST _LIKE_ THAT!”

“COME ON! HOP, MOTHERFUCKER!”

Raf was yelling at his own character, now, who had just taken a particularly messy corner. Justin laughed, and kicked at his ankle, and Raf kicked him right back, and they were neck-and-neck, and the finish line was just up ahead-

And Justin dropped his controller and clamped his hand over Raf’s eyes as they whizzed across the finish line-

“AH! EVERY FUCKING TIME, EDWARDS-”

Justin laughed, and cupped both hands around Raf’s face, trying to keep him from seeing the screen.

“You’re such a goober! Why do you always do that?”

Justin shrugged, and kept his hold on Raf’s cheeks.

“I want you to think there’s a chance you might’ve won.”

“What a perfectly delightful thing to say,” Wes said.

Raf giggled, holding Justin’s gaze.

“Uh huh. Perfectly delightful.”

He kissed Justin with abandon, and Justin leaned into him, enjoying the cheer that went up around them, wondering if this was what people felt like on their wedding day – kissing the person they loved most, in front of a room full of people who thought it was a thing worth celebrating.

When they finally broke apart, Justin saw Charlie smirking and staring unapologetically over Raf’s shoulder.

“Looks like ya’ll’ve had some practice with that,” he said. He nudged Raf with an elbow. “How’s it feel to be kissed by someone so pretty?”

Raf grinned. “It feels amazing.”

“Please tell me he hasn’t been too much of a gentleman. Did I see an extra toothbrush in the bathroom?”

Justin nodded. “That’s mine.”

“And you sleep on which side of the bed?”

He smiled. “The left.”

“And your favorite position is…?”

Raf rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, and he gave Justin a slight nod.

“I don’t think I have a favorite, yet.”

Charlie laughed. “Gentlemen, we have a top!”

“I didn’t catch that implication,” Wes said.

Charlie shrugged. “Bottoms have favorite positions.”

“And you’re king of all bottoms?” Oliver said.

Charlie pretended to brush his hair back from his shoulder. “Queen, actually.”

“Oh?” Oliver said. “Enlighten us.”

“Oh, you know what I mean,” Charlie said. “No one likes to get railed in missionary.”

“Some people do!” Lex said.

“I don’t like to get _railed_ in any configuration,” Wes added.

“We know, Wes,” Charlie said. “You can only make sweet, switchy, poly love under the full moon with a pile of crystals nearby.”

Everyone laughed, including Wes.

“It’s not about the crystals,” Wes said. “It’s about the spirit. You know I’d be happy to show you.”

“I know,” Charlie said. “And it’s not getting any easier to turn you down.”

“Self-denial is a burdensome path, Charlie.”

“Lord, can you turn your smolder on someone else, please?”

Wes looked at Justin.

“Your role in intimacy doesn’t have to define you. Charlie is entrenched in stereotype.”

“Uh… thanks. I’m not sure we have ‘roles’ yet, though.”

Raf smiled. “We’re an even split. Right?”

Justin smiled back. “Right.” He looked around the room. “Uh… so what about you guys? Anybody seeing anyone?”

“I live with two of my partners,” Wes said. “It’s a recent experiment. So far, so good.”

“And they’re both… men?” Justin thought the question sounded a little silly, but he’d made assumptions about Lex that had turned out to be untrue, so there was a chance that Raf had overgeneralized in describing his friends’ orientations.

“They are, though one of them has a female partner, too. I can be flexible, but not as much as I’d like. I envy Lex’s breadth of spirit.”

Lex smiled at him, and said, “I met up with someone new this week. I think it actually went pretty well. I’ll see them again this weekend.”

Charlie leaned forward and gawked at him from the other end of the couch. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?! What’s their name?”

“Devon.”

“Want to make it a double date?” Oliver asked. “JJ and I are going out on Friday night. We haven’t decided what we’re doing yet. And… you know… better safe than sorry.”

Lex nodded. “They seem legit, but, maybe. Thanks. I’ll let you know.”

“We should all go dancing!” Charlie said, and Lex, Oliver, and Raf all rolled their eyes. “Oh, come on! You guys never want to, anymore. Raf? Justin? You guys would look so hot at the club.”

“Sorry, Charlie. We’re busy this weekend,” Raf said. This was news to Justin, but he was relieved to hear Raf say it. A night out at a club sounded like a panic attack waiting to happen.

Charlie arranged his features into a pout, and Wes said, “I’ll dance with you, Charlie.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“You gonna try to take me home, after?”

“Yes.”

Charlie feigned an exasperated sigh. “Fine.”

“Speaking of home,” Oliver said. “I think I should get going. I have an early start, tomorrow.”

“Me, too,” Lex said, and Charlie and Wes nodded their agreement.

They all spent another five minutes complimenting Raf and Justin on dinner, and showering Raf with words of sympathy and support. Oliver and Lex left Justin with smiles and firm handshakes, while Charlie hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. Wes gave Justin a penetrating stare, then put his hands on his shoulders and left a lingering kiss on his forehead. Then he hugged Raf one more time, and the four of them left, and Raf locked the door behind them, and flattened himself against it. He took a handful of deep breaths while their footsteps and voices faded, and then he said,

“Please tell me that wasn’t a complete disaster.”

“What?” Justin shook his head and stepped close to him. “No! It was great!”

“Really?”

“Really. I like all of them. I had a great time.”

Raf tried to smile, and then burst into tears, instead. Justin pulled him away from the door and into a hug.

“What is it, babe? Didn’t you have fun?”

Raf sniffled. “Uh huh. You were _perfect._ ” He wiped at his eyes and held Justin tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m just so relieved. You were so great, and they loved you.”

Justin pressed a kiss into his hair.

“They did?”

“Yeah.” Raf sniffed one more time, but Justin could tell he wasn’t crying anymore. “They were texting me all night. Except for Wes, but I think the forehead kiss spoke for itself.”

Justin laughed. “I figured I should take it as a compliment.”

Raf made a small space between them, and he kissed Justin’s forehead, and both of his cheeks, and his nose.

“Definitely.”

Justin brushed Raf’s hair away from his eyes.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think Wes would really sleep with Charlie?”

“Oh, yeah, he’d sleep with any one of us, including you. He’ll sleep with anyone he respects.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’ve never been… tempted?”

Raf studied his face for a moment before he answered.

“Maybe at first. He cares really deeply about the people he has sex with, in his own way.”

Justin nodded. “It seems like it would’ve made sense. He seems nice, and trustworthy, and he’s good-looking, and everything… and, you know, no strings attached… I guess I was just wondering why you didn’t do it.”

“Well… I don’t really disagree with the way he goes about things.” Raf put one hand around the back of Justin’s head, and stroked his hair. “But I didn’t want to be a name on such a long list. I wanted to be one of the few, for someone. Or… one of the only.”

“Oh.” Justin slid his hands down to Raf’s waist. “Is that why you picked me?”

“It’s one of the reasons. One of a million reasons. Is that okay?”

Justin nodded. “So… you want to be my only one?” He tried to say the last three words with emphasis. _My Only One._

Raf tilted his head to the side. “I know it’s selfish. I know you might not always want what you want now. But I don’t care. I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone but you.”

Justin swallowed. “Me neither.”

They kissed each other, and it was slow and sweet, and Raf’s mouth was so soft and warm, Justin thought he could go on like this all night, if Raf wanted to. He focused on Raf’s upper lip first, holding it gently between his own, thinking about the way their mouths fit together, like they’d been designed for this purpose. And then he moved on to the bottom of Raf’s mouth, feeling it slowly with his lips, and then his tongue, pulling on it just a tiny bit, and then a little bit more-

And Raf swayed in his arms, and tightened his arms around his shoulders, and said,

_“I feel dizzy when you do that.”_

And Justin held him close, and said, _“Do you like it?”_

And Raf nodded, and said, _“Do it some more?”_

And they went on kissing each other while the urgency between them started to build. Justin was already thinking several steps ahead; was tonight the night? This was special, wasn’t it? He’d met Raf’s friends, and they’d had a great time. Maybe Raf was ready, now. Justin pictured himself laying face down on Raf’s bed, with Raf’s weight pressing down on him, and he felt himself getting hard inside his jeans…

But then he remembered what Raf had said to Charlie, earlier.

_“Hey… Raf?”_

_“Uh huh?”_ Raf’s face was so close. He looked happy, and dazed, and flushed.

_“What’s happening this weekend?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“You said we were busy.”_

Raf smiled. _“Guess I should’ve asked you first. Will you come away with me?”_

_“Where?”_

_“It’s a surprise. Friday to Sunday. I’ll pack for both of us.”_

Justin grinned. _“Okay.”_

Raf stroked his cheek with his knuckles.

_“Can we try something new tonight?”_

_“Yeah. Anything.”_

_“Okay. Wait here for a sec.”_

Raf kissed him one more time, then flipped off the overhead light in the living room. The recessed lights in the kitchen had a dimmer switch, so he went to that next, and turned the lights down to a faint glow. Then he disappeared down the hall, and Justin rolled his neck and shoulders, trying not to get too worked up. His stamina had improved noticeably over the last couple of weeks, but it was still something he wanted to work on; whatever Raf had in mind for tonight, he wanted it to last.

He rounded up the remaining glasses from the coffee table, brought them to the kitchen, and put them in the dishwasher. Then he refilled his own glass, drank it in two gulps, and refilled it again.

Raf was back in the living room now, and Justin watched him from a distance for a moment as he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over the cushions. He took another sip of water, then left the glass by the sink, and walked over to Raf, who was fidgeting a little in the dim light.

“Hey… everything okay?”

“Yeah. Um.” He smiled and shook his head. “I want to try something I’ve never done before.”

“Another first?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay… what should I do?”

“Uh… enjoy yourself?” Raf giggled, and Justin laughed, too, and he put his hands on Raf’s waist, and pulled him closer, and kissed him. And he felt Raf undoing the buttons on his shirt, and sliding it off his shoulders, and unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans-

 _“Take those off,”_ Raf said, close to his ear, so he kicked off his shoes and socks, and pushed his pants and boxers to the floor, and stepped out of them.

Raf looked him over, touching his fingertips briefly to his stomach.

_“Okay. Sit down.”_

Justin’s mind flashed back to the night of his last soccer game, when they’d stumbled to the couch together in a tangle of limbs, and Raf had climbed into his lap-

He throbbed, and he swallowed, and he sat down on the blanket Raf had draped over the couch.

And Raf held his gaze while he pulled his own shirt slowly over his head, and then unbuttoned his jeans, and pulled the zipper down. And Justin got the sense that he was meant to watch, but he was compelled to participate, so he sat forward and pressed his face against Raf’s bare stomach, and kissed him there while he pushed his jeans and his shorts down. And then he kissed the head of Raf’s cock, and he felt Raf’s hands cradling his head, and he ran his tongue lightly around the edge, and then followed the same path with his lips. And then he pulled the whole length into his mouth, thinking once again that it fit like it belonged there, like Raf had been shaped to be touched and tasted like this, by him. And he felt strong, and powerful, because he knew he could make Raf tense and break like a string on a violin.

And that was what he wanted to do, more than anything, so he straightened up, and he found Raf’s eyes, and took hold of his arms, and pulled him onto his lap. And Raf planted his knees on either side of his thighs, and he tipped his chin back with one hand, and kissed him. And Justin ran his hands from Raf’s hips, down to his knees, and back up to his ass, and he squeezed and kneaded until Raf made a noise against his lips. And then he slid his index finger over Raf’s opening, and found that it was slick already – Raf wanted this, he had prepared for this – and he pressed himself down against the couch as an ache pulsed from his belly, along his groin. And he pressed the tip of his finger inside Raf, and it slid in easily to the knuckle and beyond, and he tasted Raf’s tongue while he moved his finger in and out.

And then Raf reached back and pulled his hand away, and he took hold of Justin’s cock, and pressed the head against his opening instead, and Justin heard his own voice-

_“Ah-”_

_“Baby?”_

He opened his eyes, and Raf was there, hovering over him in the dim light. He smiled.

_“Hey.”_

_“So… I brought condoms. We can use one, if you want.”_

Justin tried to process this. It sounded more like a prompt than a statement.

_“What do you want?”_

Raf hesitated, then said, _“I want to feel you. Just you.”_

Justin nodded, and then realized he was holding his breath, and said, _“Me too. I trust you.”_

_“Okay. Ready?”_

_“Yeah.”_

But Raf didn’t move. He swallowed, his expression serious, and Justin stroked his lower back with his fingertips.

_“Raf? What’s wrong?”_

_“Um.”_ Raf shook his head. _“I have no idea what I’m doing.”_

Justin smiled. _“Me neither. We’ll figure it out, right?”_

_“I know, I just… I want it to be perfect.”_

His expression was still serious, and a little distressed, so Justin said,

_“Hey. Guess what.”_

And Raf said, _“What?”_

And Justin grinned, and bent down, and blew a raspberry against his stomach.

“HEY!”

Justin looked up at him, his eyebrows raised, and then did it again.

“AH- HAH- THAT TICKLES-”

“What are you gonna do about it?”

Raf tickled him up one side, and Justin laughed, and squirmed, and caught hold of his wrist, and blew a raspberry there, too-

“Oh, you’ll pay for that-”

“Bring it on, Silva-”

Raf tickled under his chin with his free hand, and Justin giggled, and tried to swat him away, but it was no use – Raf was on top of him, he had the advantage – and Raf forced his chin upward with the heel of his hand, and licked him from his collarbone all the way to his cheek.

And then Justin stopped struggling, because the feeling of Raf’s tongue moving over his skin was distracting, and Raf was holding him in place, and he found that he wanted to be held-

“You like that-?”

“Yes-”

Raf applied more pressure under his chin, driving his head backward against the couch, and Justin whimpered, and felt Raf’s tongue near the base of his throat, and he was licking, and then sucking-

“More-?”

 _“Yes-_ ”

The sensation changed, and then deepened. Raf’s teeth were digging into him, and Raf was grinding himself against him, and he could feel his own precum leaking down his shaft, and he put his hand on Raf’s stomach, and slid it down to his cock, and _stroked_ -

 _“Justin-?_ ”

 _“Yeah-_?”

 _“Ready-?_ ”

 _“Yes-_ ”

And Raf kissed his mouth, and then straightened up, and closed his eyes, and pressed the head of Justin’s cock against his opening. And he shifted his hips, and applied more pressure, and opened his mouth and drew his eyebrows together as Justin finally slid inside. And then he squeezed Justin’s shoulder so hard that it ached, and lowered himself in slow stages, while Justin took small, shallow breaths, and memorized every last inch of his expression. And when he was finally settled in Justin’s lap, he put one hand on Justin’s neck, and the other around the back of his head, and he pressed their foreheads together.

And every inch of Justin’s body was on fire – there was no barrier between them, and the sensation was new, and exquisite, and almost unbearably intense – but he forced himself to be still, and to concentrate on Raf’s gentle fingertips, and his broken breathing, and his warmth, and his closeness. And then Raf reached between them with his right hand and stroked himself, and Justin felt pressure on all sides, and they exhaled together, and pressed against each other, and kissed each other.

And then Raf straightened up a little, and braced one hand against the back of the couch, near Justin’s ear, and rolled his hips. And Justin watched his mouth fall open, and his eyelids flutter, and he tightened his hands around Raf’s waist so he could anticipate the next thrust – but it didn’t matter, it hit him like a wave just the same, and he let his head fall back against the couch, and he moaned out loud, and he felt for Raf’s hip bones with his thumbs-

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“It feels okay?”_

Justin grinned.

_“It feels so fucking good.”_

Raf’s face lit up, and he rolled his hips a few more times-

 _“Like that-_?”

 _“Uh- uh huh- just like that-_ ”

And then he bent down and kissed Justin’s face, and his neck, and his shoulder, and Justin felt his tongue, and then his teeth. And Raf was sucking at his skin, and rocking against him, and he was trying not to think about the pressure behind his navel, because he didn’t want this to be over – he _never_ wanted this to be over-

 _“More-_ ”

Pain bloomed in his shoulder, and that was good – it was distracting, and _delicious_ – and then Raf forced his left arm up, and Justin gripped the top of the couch cushion while Raf kissed the inside of his bicep, and sucked on the space above his underarm. And he squirmed a little, and Raf pushed back on his shoulder, pinning him against the couch, the heel of his hand hot and hard, and Justin wanted more – more of _everything_ – more pressure, more contact, more kissing, more speed…

And Raf obliged. He nipped one more time at Justin’s underarm and then kissed his mouth, and it was deep, and then hard, and then reckless. And then he straightened up, and braced one hand on Justin’s shoulder, and one hand against the couch, and thrusted. And Justin stared up at his face – at the ecstasy in his expression – for as long as he could bear to, and then he secured his right hand around Raf’s hip, and wrapped his left hand around Raf’s cock, because Raf had wound them both so tight, and Justin was desperate to see him break-

 _“Justin- you first-_ ”

Justin blinked up at him. He couldn’t speak.

 _“Please, baby-_ ”

He nodded, and he tipped his head back against the couch, and he let his control slip away, until the heat and the pressure and the power of Raf’s body were all that he could feel…

And then he let himself break.

And Raf didn’t pause, he didn’t let up, and the sensation kept on coming, kept on pounding away, spreading from his core, down to his knees, and up to his chest, and he made a sound with every thrust-

 _“Ah- Ah- Ah-_ ”

 _“Oh, God, Justin-_ ”

And he tightened his hold on Raf’s cock, and it was white-hot and rigid against his palm, and then it was throbbing, and slick, and Raf was gasping, and shaking-

And then he was pressing his face against Justin’s neck, and Justin was holding him tight-

_“Raf.”_

Justin kissed his cheek, and his throat, and his shoulder.

_“Yeah?”_

_“This is my favorite position.”_

Raf looked at him, and smiled, and nodded.

 _“So far they’re all my favorite.”_ He kissed Justin’s lips. _“Um. I don’t think I can walk.”_

Justin tightened his arms around Raf’s waist.

_“That’s okay. I’ll carry you.”_


	18. Chapter 18

Justin woke up before his alarm the next morning. He was holding Raf from behind – Raf’s back was pressed against his chest – and Raf had just shifted in his sleep. Justin could tell he was still out, because his hand was on Raf’s stomach, and it rose and fell evenly with his breath.

What an intimate thing, Justin thought, to have memorized the way a person breathed in their sleep. He had fantasized about sharing a bed with someone over the years, but he hadn’t been able to imagine the particulars of the experience: the heat of skin-on-skin contact; the careful repositioning of a hand, or an arm; the half-asleep kisses in the early morning hours; the smell of skin and soap and shampoo; the bouts of arousal from bodies pressed so close together.

Justin was inching in that direction, now, because of the way his body was curled around Raf’s, particularly the way his half-hard cock was pressing against Raf’s lower back. He considered rolling over – he didn’t want to wake Raf up – but then Raf shifted again, his hips moving in a slow stretch, and Justin took a slow breath, trying to hold himself still-

_“Baby?”_

He lifted his head and kissed Raf’s cheek.

_“Hey. Sorry. Go back to sleep.”_

_“Mm. You’re so warm.”_

Raf was mumbling, still half asleep. Justin moved his hand from his stomach to his chest, and hugged him close, and Raf reached back for his hip, and pulled. And Justin exhaled, and Raf found his cock and _squeezed_ , and his head swam, and he pressed his lips to Raf’s shoulder.

 _“I love it when you get hard for me,”_ Raf mumbled. His eyes were still closed.

_“I thought the novelty would’ve worn off by now.”_

Raf smiled, and stroked him in a long, slow movement.

 _“Definitely not.”_ He grasped Justin’s arm with his free hand. _“Is it morning yet?”_

_“I’m not sure. I didn’t check.”_

_“Can we say it is?”_ Raf stroked him again. _“I’ve always wanted to have morning sex.”_

Justin pressed a kiss into his hair.

_“You’re not too sore?”_

_“No. I feel all tingly. I think I was dreaming about last night.”_

_“Mm. You were amazing.”_

_“Yeah?”_ Raf propped himself up, grabbed a bottle of lube from his night stand, and passed it back to Justin. _“Go on.”_

Justin laughed, and poured lube onto his fingers while Raf snuggled back into his previous position.

 _“I love it when you do this.”_ He put his lips behind Raf’s ear, and kissed his way down his neck. _“And this.”_ He lapped at Raf’s shoulder with his tongue, then sucked on the spot a little – gently, gauging his response – and Raf made a sound that was half giggle, half moan, so Justin put his mouth on the spot again, and reached between them, and pressed his fingertips against Raf’s opening-

_“Mh- What else-?”_

Justin slid two fingers inside, taking pride in his confidence with the now-familiar gesture.

 _“I love it when you laugh.”_ He nipped at Raf’s earlobe, and Raf giggled. _“I can feel it from the inside.”_

Raf pressed backward against him, and then turned his head so they could look at each other.

 _“Go ahead,”_ he said. _“Feel it from the inside.”_

Justin exhaled. _“I love it when you say things like that.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah.”_

Justin was slick and throbbing, and he kept his face pressed close to Raf’s neck while he slid himself inside. And then he wrapped his arm across Raf’s chest, and Raf curved against him, and they breathed together, and leaned into the connection. And then Justin kissed Raf’s cheek, and moved his hand close to Raf’s underarm, and tickled him there, and Raf’s sleepy laughter filled the room, and Justin felt it surrounding him – pressing on him from all sides – and he moved his hips, and the laughter resolved into a half-whispered groan.

_“Just like that. Slow.”_

Justin moved his hips again, and Raf sighed, and took hold of his hand.

_“Like that?”_

_“Yeah. Feels like a dream.”_

_“It is a dream.”_

_“Justin?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I want to feel you come.”_

Justin nodded against his hair.

_“What else do you want?”_

Raf shifted against him, meeting him in a slow thrust, and tilted his head, and looked in his eyes.

_“I want to wake up like this every day.”_

_“Me, too.”_

And they kissed each other, and they rocked each other back to bliss, and then back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“Raf?”

“Yeah baby?”

Raf was in front of his mirror, rubbing a towel through his hair, and Justin was sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring at his cell phone. Raf was even more energetic and upbeat than usual, and the last thing Justin wanted to do was put a damper on his mood.

“What time do we have to leave tonight?”

“Whenever we’re done working. No real timeframe. Why?”

Justin watched him hang the towel on the hook on the back of his door.

“I think I have to go see my mom today. I know the timing’s not great, but…” He shrugged. “I don’t think I can put it off. I’ll just be anxious about it all weekend.”

Raf finished pulling on a t-shirt and then sat down next to him on the edge of the bed.

“What did she say?”

“She has some mail for me. I think that’s just an excuse to get me in the room with her, though. I was thinking I’d just meet her at a café for a bit.”

Raf held out a hand, and Justin took it.

“Let me come with you? Please?”

Justin sighed. “What if she’s horrible? What if she says something-”

“Like what?” Raf interrupted. “I’ve heard it all from my own family.”

“I know. That’s why I don’t want you to have to go through it again.”

“I’m not. _You_ are. And I’m supposed to be the one you can count on. I don’t know if I can protect you, but… please let me try.” He smirked a little, and nodded toward his closet. “I’ll get my cape, if you want.”

Justin laughed. “Wear the whole costume. That’d finish her off.”

Raf giggled. “You’re telling me she hasn’t been daydreaming about her son being whisked away by a six-foot Mexican superhero?”

Justin laughed even harder. “Oh my God… she’d have a stroke…”

“And that’s… _bad_ … right?” Raf teased, and they laughed together for another moment, before Justin sighed, and nodded.

“Okay. Come with me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you ready to get out of the car?”

“Nope.”

Raf nodded.

“How can I help?”

“Uh… go in without me while I stay here and throw up?”

Raf unscrewed the cap from a bottle of water and handed it to Justin, who took a series of small sips.

“It’s going to suck for, like, twenty minutes, and then it’ll be over. The sooner it’s done, the sooner we can get back to an amazing weekend.”

“I know, I just… I should’ve told her you were coming. She’s going to feel like we’re ganging up on her.”

“Why are you worried about how she feels?”

Justin looked at him. He hesitated.

“…I’m not sure.”

“That’s supposed to be her job, isn’t it? Worrying about how _you_ feel? I’m not saying you shouldn’t _care_ about her, I just mean… I think you’ve earned the right to prioritize your own feelings.”

Justin nodded slowly. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me, too.”

They walked through the strip mall parking lot to the café entrance. Justin paused on the sidewalk, and smoothed at his hair, and the hem of his shirt.

“Justin?”

Raf was holding out a hand for him, and he stopped fidgeting, and took it, and they walked into the café together.

Justin spotted his mother right away. She was sitting in a booth by a window, facing the entrance they’d just come through, and she saw them right away, too. Her mouth fell open, and her eyes widened in shock, and it was an incredible effort for Justin to start walking in her direction, instead of bolting right back out the door.

“Hey, Mom,” he said, as they approached the booth.

She stayed silent while they both slid onto the bench across from her, and then she shook her head, and said, “Really, Justin? In public?”

He felt Raf’s knee pressing against his thigh, and he groped for Raf’s hand under the table, and squeezed.

“Hi, Mrs. Edwards,” Raf said, ignoring the comment. “I know you weren’t expecting me. I really wanted the chance to meet you properly.”

Justin could see the conflict in her expression – her obsession with politeness warring with her distaste – and he wondered which side of her would win out.

“I wasn’t expecting any of this.” She was looking at Justin, ignoring Raf altogether.

“Neither was I,” Justin said. “But that doesn’t matter anymore. We both have to move forward.”

She nodded. “Yes. We do. We can. You can move past this, Justin. You don’t have to let him-”

“Mom.” He didn’t let her finish. “You can’t talk about him like he’s not here.”

She grimaced. “I don’t know why you felt you needed to bring your friend-”

“Boyfriend,” Justin corrected.

“Oh, Justin, _really-_ ”

“Mom, I didn’t come here to argue about this. I came to get my mail.”

She sighed, and opened her handbag, and pulled out a small stack of envelopes. She handed them to him.

“We opened the one about your loans, just to make sure it wasn’t too urgent. Your father said…” She made a face, then pulled a notepad out of her bag, and paraphrased what was written there. “The original company was bought out, so you’ll need to make a new account with the new company. The instructions are there. It goes into effect next month.”

He nodded. “Thanks. I think I’m going to pay this one off soon, anyway.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think I can actually pay everything off by the end of the year.”

“Everything?”

“Uh huh. I was already in good shape, but the new job is going really well.”

“You’re editing for a different… channel? Is that what it’s called?”

“Yeah. Raf does the same thing. He went to San Jose State.”

“Oh.” She spared Raf a brief glance, then looked back at Justin. “Didn’t you apply there?”

“Yeah. For the same degree program.”

“Right.”

“Justin told me you work for a Catholic charity?” Raf said.

Justin watched her struggle again, but she finally looked at Raf, and said, stiffly, “I do.”

Raf nodded. “I grew up Catholic, too.”

“And how does your family feel about your… lifestyle?”

“ _Mom_ ,” Justin said, glaring at her, but Raf looked at him, and squeezed his hand under the table.

“It’s okay.” He looked back at Justin’s mother. “I’m not sure if I really have a family, anymore.”

“And how does that make you feel about your choices?”

_He hesitated, then quoted: “’Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always…’” He paused, and swallowed, and his voice shook a little when he finally finished the verse. “’It always protects.’” He took a long breath, then said, “Being gay isn’t a choice, and there’s nothing Christlike about turning your back on your child.”_

_She stared at him for a moment, and then said, “’For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters, but don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature.’”_

_He smiled. “You forgot the rest. ‘Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For_ _the whole law_ can be summed up in this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself.’” He let go of Justin’s hand, and linked arms with him instead, so that she could see it. “I know it’s still hard for you to understand, but being gay is about who you _love_. God doesn’t care about what our bodies look like. He cares about how well we love each other.”

She shook her head. “’For even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness.’”

Raf raised his eyebrows. “Is it really so hard to believe that Justin could inspire righteousness? Don’t you know what a beautiful soul he is?”

She didn’t answer – she just went on staring – so he said, “I agree with you, anyway. Anyone can twist a verse to suit their own purposes, including the Pope, and the priests, and you. If you want to follow that logic, you have to admit that you might be the one masquerading as righteous. And if you’re doing harm to the ones you love…” He shrugged. “’Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds.’”

She folded her hands, and closed her eyes, and took a long, slow breath. Justin had seen her do this countless times over the years. She was praying. He pressed the back of his hand against Raf’s thigh under the table, and held himself still until she opened her eyes again.

She cleared her throat.

“Would either of you like something to drink?”

Justin blinked. Raf was looking at him, and squeezing his arm.

“Uh… we can stay for a few minutes, right?”

Raf nodded. “Of course. Iced tea?”

“Yeah.”

He looked at Justin’s mother. “I can go up. What would you like?”

“I’ll have iced tea, too.”

He smiled at her, then slid out of the booth, and went to stand in line behind the counter. She stared after him for a moment, and then looked at Justin, and said,

“He’s… tall.”

Justin burst out laughing. “Really, Mom?”

“What? He is.”

He took a breath, trying to let some of the tension out of his posture.

“He’s amazing. You’ll see, if you give him a chance.”

She folded her hands again.

“At your apartment, you… and just now… you let him touch you. Your arm. You didn’t even flinch. I thought…” She shook her head. “I thought you hated to be touched.”

“Not like that. Not by him.”

“Just by me?”

It was true. He hadn’t let either of his parents touch him since he was a teenager.

“It used to make me anxious. It still does, sometimes, with strangers, or… certain people. But not like it used to. Not like when I was young.”

She smoothed at her silver-blonde hair: a superfluous gesture, since it was tucked perfectly into a low ponytail.

“Why didn’t I know that?”

The question sounded rhetorical, and Justin decided to let it pass, since Raf was walking toward them with a tray of drinks.

He set it down on the table, then slid into the booth next to Justin.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted sugar,” he said to Justin’s mother. He slid two packets across to her, and she nodded, and picked one of them up.

“Thank you.”

Justin stared in confusion as she took the plastic cover off of her cup, emptied the packet into it, and stirred it with her straw.

“Justin?”

Raf had put his straw in his drink for him. He was holding a cookie, which he’d just broken into two pieces. “It’s peanut butter. Want to share?”

“Uh… yeah. Thanks. What did you get?”

“Peach smoothie! It’s really good, want to try it?”

Justin accepted the drink, and took a sip. It _was_ really good. He took another sip, and Raf giggled.

“I can go back up, if you want one.”

“No. Thanks, though.”

Justin took a bite of the cookie, and that tasted good, too.

“So…” his mother said. She was holding her drink between her palms. “Are you going back to your office, Justin?”

“No. I’m working from home today.”

She looked at Raf. “And you?”

“Same for me. I have another job, kind of like Justin does, but the schedule is unpredictable.”

“What is the other job like?”

“I’m editing footage for a web series. It’s like a TV show, but online.”

“He’s really talented,” Justin said. Raf shook his head, blushing a little.

“Justin’s so quick, though. I’ve never seen anything like it. And Allison, with her design work… your kids are brilliant.”

Justin stared between them. His mother was _smiling._

“Allison told me you met.”

Raf nodded. “She’s wonderful.”

Justin’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he took it out and checked the notification.

“It’s Mark,” he said. “We should probably get back.”

They slid out of the booth and walked out to the sidewalk together. It was a sunny afternoon, but there was a cool breeze, and Justin’s mother hugged her arms against herself.

“Thanks for the mail, Mom,” Justin said.

“Justin… could we do this again? Same time next week?”

“Uh… sure. That should work.”

She nodded. “Okay. You can let me know if a different day is better.”

“It was really nice talking with you,” Raf said. He extended his hand to her, and she stared at it for a moment, and then shook it.

“I’ll see you next week,” she told him.

Justin swallowed against the lump of emotion that was rising in the back of his throat. He stepped forward, and put his arms around her, and hugged her. And she hugged him back, and it felt familiar, even after so many years.

_“Thanks, Mom.”_

He let her go, and then picked up Raf’s hand, and they walked away from her to Justin’s car. Justin took his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the doors, then handed them to Raf and climbed into the passenger seat. He managed to shut the door before the tears started to fall, but he broke down as soon as Raf was sitting next to him.

“It’s okay, baby.” Raf was cradling his head with one hand, and wiping at his tears with the other. “I’m so proud of you.”

Justin’s chest was starting to ache from holding in the sobs, so he let one of them out, and then said, “She doesn’t like sugar.”

“Huh, baby?”

“She doesn’t like sugar in her tea. But she… she took it anyway.” He sobbed a couple more times. “You’re incredible.” He took hold of Raf’s forearm, and kissed the inside of his wrist. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. So much.”

Raf’s expression was so soft, Justin felt himself starting to calm a little.

“I know I’m so gross,” he said, wiping at his chin. “Can I kiss you anyway?”

Raf grinned, and then kissed him with enthusiasm. And Justin didn’t care that they were in a parking lot in broad daylight; he slid his arms around Raf’s back, and held a fistful of his shirt, and kissed him until his cheeks were dry.

 

* * *

 

“Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“Come here for a sec?”

“Okay!”

Justin saved the file he was editing – he’d been working off of his portable hard drive at Raf’s kitchen table – and then he stood up and stretched. He hadn’t gotten as far ahead as he would’ve liked, but he’d finished everything that was actually due by the end of the weekend. He was free for the next forty-eight hours, and ready to leave everything behind him. Except for Raf.

He walked down the hall to Raf’s bedroom and found him staring down at one huge suitcase and four large duffel bags.

“I think you’re better at visualizing than I am,” Raf said. “Think all this stuff will fit in my car?”

“Uh… Raf? I thought we were only leaving for two days…”

“We are. But we need a bunch of stuff.”

“For what?”

“None of your business!”

Justin laughed. “Okay… I’m pretty sure we can fit it all in. It’ll be tight, though.”

Raf stepped close to him, and put a hand on his stomach.

“Yeah?” he said, his voice quiet. “How tight?”

He slid his hand down an inch, then bit his lower lip, then broke into a smirk, and Justin scrambled for an equally flirtatious response. He took hold of Raf’s wrist, and squeezed, and leaned close to his ear, and said,

_“Unimaginably tight.”_

Raf exhaled, and said, _“Show me.”_

And Justin squeezed his wrist even harder, and pressed a single kiss against the space behind his ear.

 _“Oh, God,”_ Raf breathed _._ He flashed Justin a grin. _“Time to go. You ready to get the fuck out of here?”_


	19. Chapter 19

They drove east out of the city while the sun was starting to set, wearing sunglasses against the glare, and hoodies against the chill of the early November air. Raf had packed for both of them – he’d left Justin alone for part of the afternoon to pick up supplies and swing by his apartment – and Justin had found the notion thrilling. There was no one else in the world that he’d allow into his apartment unaccompanied, to search through his belongings. Raf was the only one.

His only one.

They spent the first hour talking. They talked about their families, and their time in college, and their favorite childhood movies, and their first best friends. They talked about foods they hated, and trips they’d taken, and favorite teachers, and terrible professors. Raf told Justin about the punches Frankie had taken for him in high school, once the other kids had started to figure out that he was different. Justin told Raf about the compulsions and rituals he’d worked for years to overcome – how he’d learned to replace the scripts in his head with comforting words, and how he still repeated phrases to himself sometimes, especially when he and Raf were alone together.

_Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop._

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

He counted them in threes. The same way he counted kisses, and blinks, and breaths.

They spent the second hour working their way through their soundtrack playlists, humming and drumming along, and reciting movie dialogue.

“Okay, okay, you ready?” Raf said.

“Hit me.”

Raf put on his best wide-eyed, dramatic expression.

“’Fifty years from now, when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?’”

“Transformers.”

Raf giggled. “Your turn.”

“Okay. Um… Okay.” Justin cleared his throat. “’You’re made of metal, but you have feelings, and you think about things, and that means you have a soul. And souls don’t die.’”

Raf grinned. “The Iron Giant!”

“Yup!”

“Okay. I have one.” He took a breath, and kept his eyes on the road. “’You and I could belong to each other. If you need a friend, I’m the one to fly to. If you need to be loved… here I am.’”

Justin reached over and rested his fingertips on the back of Raf’s neck. “Superman.”

“Wow. You’re good. One more?”

Justin thought for a moment, then said, “’I would rather share one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone.’”

Raf smiled. “I love that you memorized that line.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to say it to anyone. And I didn’t think I’d ever be brave enough to say it, regardless.”

“That’s crazy. You’re _so_ brave.”

“You think?”

“You don’t?”

“Uh… I guess I don’t know.”

“Justin… I can’t even count all the reasons. Remember the beach? You kissed me that day. In public. Before we were together. Before you even told me you knew you were gay.”

Justin smiled. “Yeah.”

“You hugged me on the soccer field. In front of all your friends. In front of _Doug._ You wore a cape to a house party. You wore a _tie_ for me.”

Justin laughed, and nodded.

“And the sex! Seriously! I would’ve been happy with hand jobs and grinding forever, and I’m literally not kidding about that, but _holy shit_ , the sex.” Raf flashed him a grin, half-teasing, half-not. “You’re amazing, you know? And brave. Really, really brave.”

Justin moved his hand to Raf’s lap, and threaded their fingers together.

“You’ll help me be brave like that, tonight?”

Raf nodded. “I will.”

They spent the last twenty minutes of the trip like that: holding hands, and imagining.

 

* * *

 

It was fully dark by the time Raf pulled off the main route and onto a long, winding road surrounded by trees. Justin had managed to restrain himself from attending closely to road signs or to the GPS on Raf’s phone, so he didn’t know exactly where they were, except that it was far from any major city. Raf was driving slowly now, watching for a driveway, but he still almost missed it in the darkness. He hit the breaks just in time.

“Shit! Sorry! I’ve never been here before, it’s fucking _dark_ …”

He pulled onto a narrow, dirt driveway, and they drove into the trees for a full thirty seconds before a dim light appeared in the distance, illuminating the outline of a two-story house. Raf parked next to it, and killed the ignition, and flashed Justin a grin.

“Ready?”

Justin smiled.

“Yes.”

They got out of the car, and Raf walked in front of it, and waited.

“Shouldn’t we grab our stuff?” Justin asked.

“Nope! Come with me, first.”

He held out his hand, and Justin took it, and they followed a stone path together along the edge of the house. They were still surrounded by trees, but once they reached the front of the structure, the yard opened up. It was so dark, Justin couldn’t tell what he was looking at, at first. It almost looked like a field, stretching toward the horizon in the distance.

But then Raf flipped on the flashlight on his phone, and led him further down the path, and the details came into focus, and butterflies started fluttering around his insides.

It was a lake.

He squeezed Raf’s hand, and Raf squeezed back, and led him down the path to a wide, wooden dock that extended out into the inky blackness. They walked hand-in-hand to the very edge, and then turned to face each other, and Raf put his hands on Justin’s waist, and Justin put his hands on Raf’s chest.

“Baby?”

“Yeah?”

“Look up.”

Justin tipped his chin back, and found himself at the center of the universe, surrounded by an endless network of shimmering stars.

 _“Wow,”_ he whispered.

_“Surprised?”_

The expression on Raf’s face turned the butterflies into birds in flight. Justin was sure Raf must be able to hear his heartbeat hammering away in his chest.

 _“Yes.”_ He swallowed. _“Thank you. This is incredible.”_

Raf pulled him close, and kissed his cheek. _“You make me so happy, Justin. I’d do anything to make you happy, too.”_

Justin nodded, and closed his eyes, and breathed in the smell of Raf’s hair.

_“I am.”_

They settled for a limited tour of the house, which Raf had rented for the weekend from a coworker’s family. There was a set of sliding glass doors that led into a wide open living space, with a sectional couch, a TV, and a fireplace. They found a half bathroom and a small kitchen on the ground level, too, and a wooden staircase that led up to the second floor.

They brought their bags straight up to the master bedroom, which they found off of a hallway at the front of the house. They dropped everything at the foot of the bed so they could explore the space, and found a private bathroom with a large, glass shower and separate tub, and another set of sliding doors that led onto a deck overlooking the lake. Justin leaned against the railing, breathing deeply, and Raf held him from behind, pressing slow kisses into his hair.

_“Justin?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Do you want to go to sleep?”_

_“No.”_

Raf kissed the back of his neck.

_“You want to stay up with me?”_

_“Yes.”_

Raf held him even closer.

_“Okay. I just need a few minutes. Will you go wait for me in the shower?”_

_“Yes.”_

 

* * *

 

Justin shut himself inside the bathroom with his own backpack, which he found neatly packed with all of his shower and shaving supplies, his medication, and protein bars and shakes. He also found a bottle of waterproof lube, which he put on the shelf inside the shower, along with his shampoo, face wash, and soap.

He examined his reflection in the mirror, then ran the inside of his wrist over his face, from his ear to his chin. His stubble wasn’t really visible, but it felt prickly when it was growing in, and he knew Raf liked him best clean-shaven, so he undressed down to his boxers and ran some water in the sink. He shivered a little – Raf had turned on the heat when they’d first arrived, but the house was still warming up – so he turned on the shower to let the warm water run, and then started shaving his face.

He was inspecting his handiwork when Raf knocked at the door and peeked inside. He gave him a quick once-over with one eyebrow raised.

“You’re supposed to be naked.”

Justin laughed. “I got distracted. Come feel?”

Raf stepped close to him, and touched his cheek with the back of his hand.

“Ooh. Yes. I forgive you.” He pressed his cheek against Justin’s. “Am I scruffy?”

“Not too bad.”

“Hmm. I’ll shave too.” He put his own backpack down on the counter and pulled off his sweatshirt and t-shirt. “Want to get started in the shower? I don’t want you to get cold.”

Justin shook his head. “I’m warming up. Uh. Could I watch you?”

“Sure.”

He found Raf’s razor and shaving cream while Raf finished undressing, and then he perched on the counter next to the sink and watched Raf spread shaving cream over his face. He enjoyed watching Raf engage in mundane tasks. There was a comforting intimacy about it, a welcome reminder that he’d been granted access to the most private corners of Raf’s life.

And then there was Raf’s grace of movement, which he never tired of watching. Raf held the razor lightly and moved it with careful precision, his shoulders loose, his expression set in concentration. Justin guessed he probably looked this way when he was sketching, too. He had shown Justin some of his artwork, but he hadn’t let Justin watch him, yet. He said he wanted to set aside a chunk of time for it, so he could really focus on a project, and, of course, Justin had agreed to wait. Raf seemed to have a never-ending supply of patience whenever Justin needed it, and he had every intention of giving Raf just as much room to breathe.

“See anything you like?” Raf locked eyes with him briefly, teasing.

“I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Try!”

Justin smiled. “I was just thinking that you do everything so perfectly. I mean, you _move_ perfectly. The way you touch things and hold things and move your body… it’s beautiful. And you make everything around you beautiful, too. Like today. With my mom.”

Raf paused with his hand in midair, and then lowered it to the sink again, his face still partially covered by white foam.

“I’m going to have to start recording all our conversations. I’m still not used to things like that coming out of your mouth.” He took a breath. “I know how lucky I am to be the one you can say these things to. I know how lucky I am to be with you, like this.”

Justin nodded, then leaned over and kissed his shoulder. “Your ass is spectacular in those shorts, too.”

Raf burst out laughing, and Justin did, too, and the sound of it echoed off the walls of the enclosed space. And then Raf went back to shaving along the left side of his jaw, and said,

“It’s your hands, for me. They’re just so _big_ and super strong, but you’re still so gentle, when you want to be. Your hands are my favorite.” He rinsed his razor. “And your ass, too. Your ass is also my favorite. And your eyes. And your mouth. God, your mouth. Don’t make me choose, I can’t do it.”

Justin giggled. “I won’t make you choose.”

Raf finished with his face, and wiped it clean with a towel.

“Okay,” he said. “Come here.”

Justin slid off the counter, and put his hands on Raf’s chest, and pressed their cheeks together. And he closed his eyes, because Raf’s skin was so smooth, and Raf’s hair was so soft against his forehead, and Raf’s hands were so warm against his waist…

 _“Perfect,”_ he whispered.

Raf kissed him, lightly, just for a second, and then sighed happily.

“Okay. Ready for the plan?”

“Yes.”

“The only thing you need to think about tonight is enjoying yourself. That means you need to tell me _right away_ if something doesn’t feel right. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

Raf nodded. “Step One… get super relaxed. Do you think you’ll be able to stay relaxed if I start touching you right now?”

Justin did a quick body scan, and made note of the way his erection was already straining against his boxers.

“Uh. I’m not sure.”

Raf grinned, and leaned close to his ear. _“Okay. I’m gonna make you come in the shower. Just for starters. Sound okay?”_

_“Yes.”_

_God, yes._

He sighed while Raf pressed a slow kiss against his neck and slid his hands inside his boxers, pushing them down, massaging his hips. He pulled down on Raf’s boxers, too, then followed him into the shower, pulling the glass door shut behind them. The shower was modern – the water was falling like rain from a rectangular panel above them – and there was more than enough space for both of them underneath it, so Justin pulled Raf close to him, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and kissed him. And the water running down his back helped to balance out the nervous butterflies inside his stomach, and Raf’s hands on his lower back felt strong and safe, and his rigid length was pressing against Raf’s inner thigh-

_“Oh-”_

Raf’s teeth grazed his shoulder, just for a moment, and then Raf grinned at him and reached for the soap, and started smoothing it over Justin’s chest, and down his sides and his stomach, and over his swollen cock, kissing his lips and his face as he worked. And when Justin was covered in suds, Raf pulled his body against himself, and they stroked each other, and grinded against each other, exchanging shallow breaths and slow kisses.

And then Raf rested his head against Justin’s, still holding him so close, and he started smoothing the soap over his shoulders, and down his back – touching, pressing, caressing – and then he moved on to Justin’s ass, massaging one cheek at a time, then spreading soap all around his opening. And Justin exhaled, and moaned against Raf’s hair, because the warm water, and the slick of the soap, and Raf’s gentle fingertips felt incredible against his sensitive skin.

Raf put the soap back on the shelf, but he went on manipulating the suds, running one hand back up to Justin’s shoulders, then down his back again – between his cheeks, around his hole – and Justin closed his eyes and felt every last inch of his body waking up.

And then Raf pulled him further under the water, and rinsed the suds away. And then he kissed Justin’s mouth, and walked him backwards until his back made contact with the tile. And then he said,

_“Justin… turn around.”_

And Justin shivered, despite the hazy heat surrounding them, and he held Raf’s gaze for a moment before he turned and braced his palms against the tile. And then Raf’s weight was pressing against him – one arm was around his belly, one hand was grinding against his hole – and Raf was kissing his way from the back of his neck to the front of his throat-

_“Baby?”_

Justin moaned in response. Raf pressed one fingertip against his opening.

_“Can I lick you here?”_

His breath caught at the thought of it.

_“Really? You want to?”_

Raf lapped at the space beneath his ear.

_“Desperately.”_

_“Okay. Yes. I want you to.”_

Raf moaned, and pressed against him, and kissed his cheek, and his neck, and his shoulder. And then he went on kissing him – between his shoulder blades, across the small of his back, down one hip and then the other. And Justin braced his forearms against the tile, and pressed his forehead against one arm, and closed his eyes as Raf spread his cheeks and lapped his tongue slowly over his opening-

_“Oh-”_

Raf did it again.

_“Ah-”_

And then he licked a slow, continuous circle before he paused one more time.

“Okay, baby?”

“Fuck- yes- _”_

Justin felt Raf’s giggle vibrating against him as he put his whole mouth over his opening and licked him in long, lazy strokes-

_“Oh holy shit Jesus fucking Christ-”_

Raf giggled some more and pulled on his hips, and the intensity doubled, and Justin exhaled another string of expletives while the lapping sensation switched to a pulse, and he grasped his aching cock with one hand, because Raf was fucking him with his tongue-

“Not yet, baby, I want to kiss you while you come- _”_

“Ah- hah- okay- _”_

He let go of his cock – he would’ve done anything Raf asked him to, just then – and he felt Raf’s tongue press inside him again, and he squeezed his eyes shut, and leaned into the pulsing pressure, wondering how he could’ve possibly been so skeptical about something so exquisite. The sensation was warm and varied and intense. It was like being kissed, if kissing alone could drive you toward orgasmic release; Justin was an inch away from shooting all over the wall while Raf’s tongue caressed and pulsed and explored…

And then the sensation stopped-

“Turn around, Justin- _”_

And Raf’s tongue was in his mouth, now, and Raf’s fingers were slick and strong against his opening, and then they were sliding inside him-

_“Touch yourself, baby-”_

And Justin didn’t bother trying to respond, because Raf was kissing him again, and pulsing his fingers deep inside, so he wrapped his fingers around his cock, and gave it a tentative stroke that made his head swim. And then he tried it again, and again, until he was stroking in time with Raf’s fingers-

And then Raf bit down on his lower lip, and _pulled_ , and he came with so much force that he practically staggered, but Raf was so strong, and solid, and he kept him on his feet-

_“It’s okay, baby, I got you-”_

And Raf was still working at him – pulsing and stretching with his fingers – and Justin pressed his forehead against Raf’s neck, and shook with every stroke.

And then the shaking started to subside, and the aching tension in his groin was replaced with a warm and gently pulsing glow. And it started to spread, and he started to catch his breath, and he ran his hand down Raf’s stomach and felt for his cock, and found that it was soft-

“Babe?” He lifted his head and found Raf’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

Raf smiled. “Yeah. I came while I was eating you out.”

“Seriously?”

“Uh huh. I’ve been dying to try it. How’d I do?”

“Are you kidding? I thought I was going to black out. It was incredible.”

“You _cannot_ black out.” Raf pulsed his fingers; they were still pressed against Justin’s prostate. “We’re just getting started.”

Justin exhaled in a half-laugh, half-groan, and Raf pressed his lips against his cheek.

“Don’t worry. You can have a little break now.”

Justin smiled, and leaned against him.

“What if I don’t want a break?”

Raf giggled, and held him close.

_“Then you should come with me, right now.”_

 

* * *

 

Justin wasn’t sure why Raf insisted on towel-drying their hair so thoroughly, but he didn’t bother asking. He would’ve followed Raf to the ends of the Earth without a second thought.

Once Raf made sure they were both completely dry, he took Justin’s hand, and opened the bathroom door, and led him back out to the bedroom. Justin had been expecting complete darkness, but instead he was met with a soft, flickering glow. Raf had set up candles on the night stands on either side of the bed. Justin took a breath, and found that the air was fresh and clear. The candles were unscented. Raf knew strong smells could give him a headache and make him anxious.

Raf knew him, inside and out.

“I didn’t think we could string lights in here,” Raf was saying. “So, you know, next best thing.”

“It’s beautiful,” Justin said, staring at the bed. The butterflies were back.

“So, we can stay in here, if you want…” Raf said, pulling him toward the glass doors, and sliding one of them open. “Or we can go out there.”

Justin stared, realizing why Raf had packed so many bags.

He’d turned most of the deck into a bed.

It looked slightly raised, like there might have been an actual, portable mattress underneath the pile of blankets and pillows. There were no candles out here, but there were three small lanterns casting a pale glow against the darkness.

“I know it’s cold,” Raf said. “I can keep you warm, though. I thought… you know… you’d be able to see the stars. I mean, if you still want to- _”_

“I do,” Justin said, stepping close to him. “I want to.”

Raf nodded, shivering a little. “Lay down with me?”

He led Justin out onto the deck, and slid the door shut behind them. Then he pulled some of the blankets back and slid underneath them, and Justin followed, settling inside the circle of his arms so they were face-to-face, sharing a pillow. Raf pulled the blankets up around their shoulders.

“I’m going to help you relax, now,” he said, smoothing his right hand through Justin’s hair. “Tell me if you have any special requests.”

“I trust you. You always know what to do.”

Raf smiled, massaging Justin’s scalp with his fingertips. “You have no idea how much that means to me. I thought I’d be so bad at all these things. All these firsts. And I didn’t think I’d ever trust someone enough to end up here.” He hesitated, then said, “Sometimes I think we really were made for each other.”

Justin sighed. “We were. I know it.”

“You believe in that? Soulmates?”

“I didn’t before, but I don’t know how else to explain what we are.”

Raf’s fingers were on the back of his neck, now, massaging slow circles.

“Maybe we’re just a really good fit. Without any kind of cosmic destiny.”

Justin smiled.

“Raf.”

“Mm?”

“Look up.”

They both fixed their eyes on the stars, and Justin said, “That’s infinity, right there. An endless expanse of random chance. The universe is a disorganized mess. My whole life, there were a million things keeping me from becoming the person I am, right now. None of this should’ve been possible.” He swallowed. “What we have is a miracle.”

Raf pressed a slow kiss against his forehead.

“I think you might be right.”

“I am. You’ll see.”

Raf’s hand was on his lower back now, moving slow.

“Are you warm enough, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Get on your stomach for me.”

Justin happily complied, and he felt Raf slide on top of him, straddling his lower back. Then he felt the heels of Raf’s hands pressing between his shoulder blades, and he exhaled in a contented groan.

“Feel okay?”

“Feels amazing.”

He felt Raf shifting, and then felt Raf’s lips moving over the back of his neck while he worked at the tension in his shoulders and upper arms. And then Raf was looping an arm under his shoulder, and leaning heavily against his left side, and massaging his way down Justin’s back with his other hand.

“Ooohh.”

Raf giggled.

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.”

“Justin?”

“Uh huh?”

“I love your body. I love everything about it.” He pressed his lips to Justin’s cheek. _“I want to show you how much. And I really want to kiss you now.”_

He braced his hands near Justin’s shoulders and pushed himself up off of Justin’s back, and Justin turned over, and wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him back down. And they kissed each other slowly, under the blankets, under the stars. And then Raf kissed Justin’s forehead, and his cheeks, and his neck, and his chest, until he was taking long, sighing breaths.

“Baby?”

“Mm?”

“How do you feel?”

Justin smiled up at him. “Happy. Calm.”

“Relaxed?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. That’s really good. So, you want to try to hang on to this feeling. Think about how good you feel right now. Think about keeping your muscles relaxed.” He smiled. “Think about letting me do all the work.”

Justin nodded. “I can do that.”

_I can do this. I can do this. I can do this._

Raf reached for a nearby bottle and poured lube onto his fingers. He shifted to the left, so he was only partially on top of Justin, and then he moved his hand between Justin’s legs, and moved his fingers slowly over his opening.

“Ready?”

“Yes.”

_Yes yes yes._

Justin felt one of Raf’s fingers pressing into him, and he watched Raf’s eyes and inhaled slowly until it was all the way inside. There was no pain or resistance; he was still slick from earlier, in the shower. He took this as a good sign.

“That’s it, baby. Keep looking at me. You look so perfect, right now.”

The pressure eased and disappeared, but then it was back, and it was doubled, and it ached a little, but it still wasn’t painful.

“That’s two, baby. You’re doing so great.”

Justin took a slow breath while Raf massaged inside him with the tips of his fingers, and he focused on Raf’s weight pressing down on him, and the lantern light reflecting bronze in his eyes.

And then the pressure was gone, and Justin felt himself start to tense, because he knew what was coming – he’d only taken three fingers once before, and it had been a very real challenge – and a shadow of doubt passed over his thoughts, and he was holding his breath, and trying not to-

“Justin?”

“Huh?”

“I’m nervous.”

“What?” Justin blinked, and touched his fingertips to Raf’s cheek. “Why?”

“Because I’ve never done this before. Because I didn’t think anyone would ever want me to.”

The pressure was back, and it resolved into a painful, burning fullness, but Justin was busy touching the pad of his thumb to Raf’s lips-

“How could you think that?”

Raf sighed. “Most people wouldn’t want to try this with someone so inexperienced. When I was younger I knew a bunch of people who’d never had sex, and it seemed so normal, then, so I felt like it was okay that I wasn’t ready, or I wasn’t sure about it, yet, or I just hadn’t met the right person. But then time just kept going by, and I felt like… I don’t know. I guess I felt like there had to be something wrong with me.” He paused for the span of a breath. “And then I met you. And you made me feel normal for the first time in so many years. And when you did this for me, it was like… the most perfect moment of my life. I just really want to get it right, for you.”

“It is. It’s perfect.”

“Does it hurt?”

Justin shifted his hips, and felt the burning stretch of Raf’s fingers inside. He took a long breath.

“Only a little.”

“Okay. Remember how we practiced?”

Justin nodded, and closed his eyes, and focused on his breathing, and pressed back against the pressure of Raf’s fingers. It felt awkward at first, but then Raf’s lips were on his neck, so soft and gentle, and then Raf was kissing his mouth, and moving his fingers so slow, and pulling him along to a place of calm and safety he’d never known before.

And then the butterflies disappeared. Justin opened his eyes, and saw the only person in the world he could imagine spending the rest of his life with, and he found that he wanted the rest of his life to start _right now_. So he reached for a condom and rolled it onto the person he loved, and then he lay back and watched Raf’s eyes, and the halo of stars around his head, while Raf filled in the emptiness he had been carrying inside himself.

And Raf was careful, and graceful, and lovely – his eyelids fluttering, his hair falling into his eyes – and Justin wanted to tell him so, but the words wouldn’t come-

_“Raf-”_

_“Baby?”_

Raf’s voice sounded as strangled as his own, and he was breathing shallow, and holding himself still, and his lips were parted, and his eyes were as dark and deep as the space between the stars. And Justin’s body was on fire, because Raf was inside him, and his mind was a tangle of words and images-

_Yes – now – please – always – finally –_

He opened his mouth, and another strangled sound came out, and he exhaled in frustration, and slid one hand onto Raf’s ass and _pulled-_

“Oh- God- _baby_ -”

Justin nodded confidently, and Raf let out a breath, and bent down close to him, and put a hand in his hair, and rolled his hips. And the movement set Justin adrift in sensation, and he tightened his hold on Raf’s ass, and slid his other hand around the back of Raf’s neck, and rocked back against him, and Raf whimpered, and set his shoulders, and started to move.

There wasn’t much friction as first, just a pulsing pressure that made Justin feel dizzy and desperate, and left his cock rigid and aching and leaking against his belly. And then the desperation started to grow, and Justin pulled Raf’s head down and kissed his open mouth, and tried to match his stride so that they connected with throbbing precision, over and over again. And Raf kissed him slowly, and then deeply, and then recklessly, and then he stopped, and let out a high, broken moan-

 _“Justin-_ ”

 _“Ah-_ ”

 _“Look up-_ ”

And Justin felt Raf’s mouth pressing against his neck, and he felt Raf’s fingers wrapping around his cock, and he tipped his chin skyward while Raf started thrusting into him with a new degree of power. And the throbbing ache inside him had spread and transformed into a full-body pulse, and he felt like Raf was everywhere – rewiring his nervous system, reordering his thoughts, infusing him with more sensation than his body could hold-

_“Baby- baby- baby-“_

And he opened his mouth, and arched his back, and came with his eyes still locked on the heavens.

And then he closed his eyes, and pressed his face against Raf’s shoulder, and let Raf rock him through the aftershocks. And when Raf came, he felt it deep inside himself, like Raf’s body was his own.

And then they were looking at each other, and Raf was smiling, and stroking his hair.

_“Wow.”_

Justin nodded.

_“I love you.”_

And Raf said, _“I love you, I love you, I love you.”_

 

* * *

 

 

They laid together for a long time afterward, kissing, and touching, and clasping hands. Justin found that he wanted to be held, so he tucked his head under Raf’s chin, and let Raf pull the blankets up to his cheek, and he counted Raf’s heartbeats while Raf stroked his hair, and his back, and kissed the top of his head.

“Raf?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Were you really nervous? Or were you just trying to distract me?”

Raf rubbed his nose in Justin’s hair. “I was trying to distract you. And I was also terrified.”

“Really?”

“Only at first. Once we got started, it was like…”

“A miracle,” Justin finished. Raf tightened his arms around him.

“Yeah. A miracle.”

Justin ran his hand down Raf’s side and onto his hip.

“Do you feel different?”

Raf traced a pattern across the small of his back.

“Yeah. I thought I could picture what it would be like, but I was wrong. It’s like stepping outside of reality.”

“Like magic.”

Raf sighed. “You always surprise me. I can’t get over it.”

Justin propped himself up so he could see Raf’s eyes.

“Like how?”

“Like… I mean, I knew you wanted to do this with me, but I wasn’t convinced you’d actually enjoy it. I didn’t know if you’d like giving up control, like that.”

“Oh.” Justin thought about it, then said, “I do. I trust you.”

Raf tilted his head to one side. “I promise I’ll take care of you.”

“I know. I’ll take care of you, too.”

Raf touched his cheek with gentle fingertips. “So… you want to eat some snacks and make out until the sun comes up?”

Justin smiled. “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

“Justin?”

“Mmh.”

“I’m sorry, baby, I know you’re tired.”

Justin opened his eyes and found Raf sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, looking tousled and half asleep. He propped himself up.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything’s fine.”

Raf opened his hand. There was a small, yellow pill at the center of it.

“Oh.” Justin blinked. “God, I would’ve slept right through…”

They’d stayed up all night, wrapped up in the blankets, and each other, until the sun had started to rise. Justin barely remembered falling into bed, but he remembered the way the red-and-orange sky had turned Raf’s eyes to gold when the sun had slipped over the horizon.

He swallowed the pill, then took a long sip of the protein shake Raf handed him, then replaced the plastic cover, and set it down on the night stand.

Raf yawned, then kissed him sleepily, then climbed over him and settled onto the pillow next to him. He kept one arm across Justin’s chest, and one leg on top of him, too.

 _“Don’t worry,”_ he mumbled. _“I won’t let you forget.”_ His eyes were already closed.

Justin watched his face for a moment, then sniffed, and swallowed, and wiped a tear from his own cheek. Then he pressed his face against Raf’s hand, and closed his eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Raf, I’m pretty sure we’re too big-”

“No way! We can fit-”

“Shit- shit- I’m gonna tip the boat over-”

“No, you won’t- hang onto me-”

Justin grasped Raf’s forearms. They were standing up in a canoe in the middle of the lake, their feet planted awkwardly, trying to maintain their balance.

“That’s better. Keep hanging on, I’ll lower you down.”

“Uh… okay. But I’m blaming you if we fall in the lake.”

Raf shrugged. “I’m always up for a swim.”

“Babe, the water’s freezing.”

“So? You’re like a sexy space heater.”

Justin laughed, and let Raf support some of his weight while he walked his feet forward and lowered himself into a sitting position on the floor of the canoe. He braced his hands on the inner walls and shifted his body slightly to one side, and then he lay back on the pile of folded towels they’d brought with them.

“See? Perfect!”

“Yeah, but how are you going to-”

Raf slipped into a one-armed plank with his forearm braced near Justin’s head, and then slid easily into the space beside him. He turned a little, so he was partially on his side, and rested his right hand on Justin’s stomach.

“See? Cozy.”

Justin smiled. “You really never took dance classes when you were younger?”

“Uh… I don’t think dancing in my bedroom to Fall Out Boy counts.”

“Oh my God. You have to show me.”

Raf giggled. “I’ll trade you for something equally embarrassing.”

Justin thought about it. “I know all the words to Killer Queen.”

Raf sat up on his elbow. “No way. Since when?”

“Uh… I think my Queen phase started around 15.”

Raf raised his eyebrows. “That’s kinda gay, baby.”

Justin laughed. “Uh huh.”

“You’ll sing for me?”

“If you sing along.”

Raf laid down next to him again and looked up at the sky.

“The clouds are so pretty.”

“Uh huh. It’s beautiful, here. I want to buy a house on a lake like this. We could keep an apartment near the city and then go to the lake every weekend.”

It was out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying. He had thoughts like this all the time, but he was usually more cautious about how much he said out loud.

“You and me?” Raf said.

“Um. Yeah. I just meant… it’s nice to think about.”

Raf was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “When’s your lease up?”

“January.”

“Okay.” He found Justin’s hand and held it. “My lease is month-by-month, so… Anyway. We’ll need at least two bedrooms if we ever want to get any work done. Or a living room that can double as an office.”

“Um… yeah. We’ll probably have to look in a different neighborhood.”

“Uh huh. Cheaper would be better, so we can start saving more.”

“And my loans will be paid off by January, anyway.”

“Right. That’ll make a big difference.”

“It’ll probably still take a while to save for a down payment…”

Raf shrugged. “No rush. We can always rent this place. Kevin said it gets booked up in the summer, but there are usually a bunch of free weekends through the rest of the year.”

Justin swallowed.

“Raf… is this a plan?”

Raf pressed closer to him. “Yeah. It’s a plan.”

They laid together quietly for a while, watching the clouds travel across the blue expanse of the sky. It was late afternoon and chilly, and Raf shivered a little, even though he was wearing a sweatshirt. Justin turned his body so he could pull Raf closer, and Raf looked at him, and said,

“I hope we can find a lake house with skylights. And a deck on the second floor, like here.”

Justin nodded. “We can sleep outside when it’s warm.”

“I’ll sleep outside with you when it’s cold, too.” He rested his fingers on Justin’s neck. “Or I can keep you awake until the sun comes up.”

Justin put his hand around the back of Raf’s head. “The clouds are changing.”

Raf nodded. “Looks like rain.”

“We should get back.”

“Uh huh.”

They kissed each other, and they didn’t stop until the raindrops started to fall.

 

* * *

 

 

“Baby! Come here! Quick!”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing! Just come over here!”

Justin had been shuffling a deck of cards on the bed. He got up and joined Raf at the sliding doors, and Raf stood behind him, and put his chin on his shoulder, and pointed.

“Look right there.”

He couldn’t see much. It was dark, and a steady rain was falling, and the blackness of the lake bled right into the shadow of the tree line, far off in the distance.

But then a flash of lightning cut a jagged edge along the horizon, and the lake and the trees were illuminated by the momentary whitish glow.

“Oh, _wow_ ,” Justin said.

“I know!”

Raf went and flipped off most of the lights in the room, and then he came back, and held Justin from behind, and they watched the lightning travel over the trees, and listened to the rain pounding on the roof.

“I saw a storm like this, once, when I was a kid,” Justin said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. At the lake house we used to go to. It was more like a cabin, really. The only staircase was outside, and Ally and I got trapped downstairs under the porch in this downpour.” He smiled to himself. “We were arguing. She was trying to bribe me so I would go get an umbrella and come back for her. We were always fighting over who could use the best tube for swimming. I was about to cave when the lightning started, and we just stayed down there and watched it until it stopped.”

Raf kissed his cheek.

“It’s hard for me to picture you arguing with Ally.”

“Oh, God, we did nothing _but_ argue for years. But she was still my best friend, even then. She’s the only reason I ever thought about having a family.”

Raf had been stroking Justin’s arm with his fingertips. He stopped.

“You want to have a family?”

“Um… well, I want to get married. I mean, eventually.”

Raf let go of him, and he turned around, so they were facing each other.

“You do?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“So do I.”

“Okay. So, what about-”

“Kids?” Raf finished. “Not for a while. But, yes. Eventually.”

“I think you would be the best father in the whole world,” Justin blurted. He’d thought it so often over the last few weeks, it was a relief to say the words out loud.

Raf’s eyes went wide.

“You’ve been thinking about what kind of father I’d be?”

“Yes.” He felt a pang. “Too much? Too soon?”

Raf hesitated, then said, “Maybe. But I don’t care. I’ve been thinking about it, too. About you, I mean. And what our family would be like. I can’t help it.”

Justin shook his head. “Me neither.”

Raf chewed his lower lip for a moment. “So, I know there are some things we shouldn’t rush, but I’m going to stop pretending I’m not thinking about our future all the time. Is that okay with you?”

Justin put his hands on Raf’s waist. “Yes.”

Raf put his hands on Justin’s chest. “I was thinking of e-mailing Kevin to see if we could come back here next weekend.”

“You should. I can pay for it.”

“Or… we could split it. Might be a good practice run for… you know… future financial entanglement.”

Justin laughed. “’Financial entanglement’? Really?”

Raf made a face. “I guess you’re the romantic one, now.”

Justin pulled him closer.

“Are you kidding me? I think I’m officially out of fantasies. You made them all come true.”

“Huh.” Raf grinned. “You should probably get started on some new ones, then. Or I could make some suggestions.”

“Like?”

Raf tilted his head to one side. “I’ve never made out with anyone in the pouring rain before.”

Justin laughed, and kissed him, and slid the door open, and pulled him outside.

 

* * *

 

 

Justin opened his eyes and found himself staring at an unfamiliar wall. He was naked underneath the sheets, and he’d fallen asleep with Raf’s back pressed against his chest, but Raf wasn’t there anymore.

He rolled over and saw him standing a few feet away, facing away from him, leaning against the sliding door. He was naked, too, and the room was dark, but there was pre-dawn light filtering through the glass, and it made a halo around his body, like his skin was glowing. Justin stared at the angle of his neck, and the lines of his torso, and the curve of his lower back, torn between his desire to observe and his compulsion to taste and touch and hold.

“Raf?”

He turned around, and Justin could just barely make out his smile in the dim light.

“Hey, baby.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted everything to last longer.”

Justin sighed. “Me too.”

“The sun’s about to come up. Want to watch with me?”

“Yeah.”

Raf nodded toward the night stand. “Bring that with you.”

Justin slid out of the bed, and picked up the small bottle, and walked straight into Raf’s arms. He felt Raf’s lips on the back of his neck as they held each other.

“Raf?”

“Mm?”

“I want you to wake me up when you can’t sleep.”

Raf’s lips were on his shoulder, now.

“I was going to. You just looked so perfect… I didn’t want to pull you out of a good dream.”

Justin shook his head. “ _This_ is my good dream.”

Raf stopped and looked at him, and Justin held his face with one hand.

“I can picture you doing this a year from now. Worrying over something. Getting out of bed without me.” He moved his thumb slowly over Raf’s cheek. “And if that’s what you need, I’ll try to learn to live with it. But that’s not what I want. I want you to bring me with you. I want to be right next to you. Through everything.”

Raf’s expression went soft. He moved his hands onto Justin’s lower back, and pulled him closer, and kissed him. And his mouth was warm and familiar, and Justin thought about how that familiarity made this even more exciting and extraordinary, because Raf knew how he loved to be kissed and touched. Raf was the only one who knew. There was no doubt or hesitation between them anymore- just gentle affection, and confident exploration, and dizzying comfort, and desperate anticipation. Justin focused his attention on Raf’s lower lip, and Raf sighed and swayed, like Justin had known he would. And then he felt Raf’s hands - low and strong on his hips, pulling him close - and he moaned out loud, like he was sure Raf wanted him to.

And then he opened his mouth for Raf’s tongue, and he let Raf take the bottle out of his hand, and he felt Raf’s fingers sliding down his belly, and tracing the bone of his hip, and wrapping around his cock, making him slick. Switching him on. Waking him up.

And then Raf’s eyes were on him, watching his expression change while he stroked, and Justin let the sensation show. He let his mouth fall open, and his chin tip backward, and his eyelids flutter. He let go of his breathing – let it become ragged and shallow. He exhaled in a moan. He licked his lips. And then he let his eyes fall shut, because Raf was kissing him – his cheeks, his forehead, his jawline, his throat – and then the sensation stopped, and he opened his eyes, and he found that Raf was facing away from him, with his palms braced against the glass door.

And he held himself still for a moment, taking in the way Raf’s shoulders rose and fell with his breath, thinking it would take a lifetime to catalog the beauty of every inch of this perfect person. And then he practically fell forward, and he held Raf so tight that he felt the air go out of his lungs, and he kissed him over and over again – his hair, his ear, his throat, his shoulder. And he went on kissing him once he was deep inside, and Raf’s body was soft and fluid in his arms – Raf was sighing and arching and making sweet, broken sounds – and then his head was tilting back, and they were kissing each other while Justin moved inside him, and let himself be moved.

And then Justin felt light kissing his closed eyelids, and he opened his eyes, and found the sky ablaze in reds and yellows. And he held Raf’s cock in his hand, and he held Raf’s body against his chest, and he tried to emulate Raf’s grace of movement, rolling his hips in a slow, fluid rhythm, like the gentle waves coming home to the shore.

And it occurred to him that the phrase _making love_ could mean more than passionate sex, that the _making_ extended beyond this moment, that the _making_ was actually _building._ The were building a structure of trust and devotion that would last much longer than the burst of pleasure the were moving toward in the here and now, and every time the came together like this – penetrated each other, like this – it was like laying another brick in a wall. It was a healing of wounds. It was a keeping of promises. It was a demonstration of visceral need, and a giving, and a receiving.

 _“Justin,”_ Raf breathed. Their cheeks were pressed together, their breathing erratic, their eyes on the burning sky. _“I was on my own, for so long… I don’t know how to tell you how much I want you with me… I don’t know how to ask- Ah-_ ”

He stopped. He was tense, and sighing, and bracing for release. So Justin kissed his cheek, and held him tight, and said,

_“You don’t have to ask. You just have to wake me up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the tentative end of this story! Raf and Justin will continue to be featured in the rest of the More Than Friends chapters, so you can find updates about them there! I MIGHT add one more chapter here when the final chapter of MTF goes up, but I'm not sure yet.
> 
> Also, if you made it this far, please consider leaving a comment or sending me a message on Tumblr. I'd love any feedback you'd like to share, but mostly it's just awesome to know that this story has been read. I love it, and I hope you did, too.


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